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    Old 01-15-2010, 08:47 AM   #1
    Erin942
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    Great connection, but now he's vanished

    A month ago I met a great guy. We're both 30. We had fantastic dates -- lots of chemistry and laughs, good conversation, a lot in common. It was flirtatious and really enjoyable. We texted and spoke a bit in between dates - we'd seen each other once a week for the past four weeks. He'd send very sweet texts saying he had a great time, couldn't wait to see me again. On our third date, very naturally, things became intimate. It was incredible. We had a great chemisty but it was not just physical, we just seemed to connect very easily and quickly in a number of ways. He peppered in a few things referencing the future "you'll undertstand better when you meet my dad," "I'll take you with me next time I go," "we should do this together." He complimented me often, said I made him nervous, but in a good way, was very affectionate and just real. No games, no pretense. He wasn't feeding me lines. The fourth time we got together we had a relaxing evening and I stayed overnight. He asked if I had missed him during the week, said he'd been thinking about me. We laughed, had great conversations, the physical connection was fantastic. He talked about how comfortable he was with me, how it surprised him how easy things were, how we had no awkwardness together. He'd been in a few serious relationships but has been single for about 1.5 years. He wants the same things I do in the future -- marriage and family. And he talked about being ready for a new chapter in his life after being out of the dating game for awhile. Since it was only four dates, we didn't get into the what-are-we talk at all, which was just not needed and too early. All we touched on was to say neither of us were being intimate with another, which is a good quick talk to have for health aspects, obviously. The next morning he had to go into work early. He told me to stay at his house, to sleep in as late as I wanted, but it seemed too early for that, and I left the house when he did. We said goodbye, talked about getting together during the week, but didn't make definite plans for any day. We agreed to both check schedules and sort something out. I left his house really happy, excited that something good was starting to build with him. I felt in control and happy and was eager to see him again soon.

    I texted him that evening to say I had a great time, he replied he did, as well. A few days went by. In trying to sort out our schedules, he'd mentioned he would be free on Wednesday, but I'd had plans in place. Wednesday morning my plans were cancelled, so I texted him to see if he was still free that evening. He said he had messed up his schedule and had a committment Wednesday night, not Thursday as he had originally thought. I asked if he wanted to shoot for Thursday, he said he might have something to do but would let me know later in the day Wednesday if he could. So, where does this leave me? It's Friday and I have yet to hear from him. He never contacted me Wednesday as he said he would, not yesterday at all, and not today. I am miffed. And crestfallen. He has a demanding job and other committments, but I do as well. If something came up -- other plans or having to work -- I'd at least expect a text saying he couldn't make it. He seems like a direct guy, so if something bigger happened -- he got back with an ex, wanted to pursue someone else, just decided to take himself out of dating -- he seems the type to be open and straight forward. Perhaps I'm wrong. The lack of contact is hard. It hurts. I really thought he was different and I now feel like I have been played. All the other typical excuse scenarious I run through just seem like excuses (e.g. lost phone - he has my email address and other ways of contacting me besides phone). I am just hurt. I'm especially hurt that my intuition about him was wrong. It's been said by millions of girls millions of times, but I honestly thought he was different. I believed what he said to me because he is an honorable, good person. I don't feel like any of it was a line or a come on or that he is the type to date a lot of girls at once or blow people off.

    I know to stay away from the phone. Not to text or to call. It's his pursuit and it's in his court. But I am really saddened. I feel like I somehow duped myself by thinking something would happen with him, by getting too excited too early on. I've been hurt before as most of us have. Each time you open up to someone and it does not work, it just nicks away a little part of you -- your heart, your hope, all of it. What do you think -- do I stay mum and let this go?

     
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    Old 01-15-2010, 09:13 AM   #2
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    Re: Great connection, but now he's vanished

    Hi Erin,

    If it has only been a few days, I would not let yourself go so far as to say he has vanished, but certainly he is being less than thoughtful. This has obviously put a red flag up in your mind, which is a good thing to acknowledge in yourself...but after only a month, this is too early to have such tight reins on a self described single man.

    I personally have a code of conduct with my friends that we all agree to...If you say you are going to do something DO IT, or make a quick call to let the other know. Anything short of that, is simply rude and selfish, and will not be acceptable on more than a very occasional basis. I think this is a basic courtesy that many of us do not seem to find important...but I do, and it is one of my few rules. I would not sleep with a man who was less considerate than a friend, in fact I would expect the opposite. Perhaps next time you get together, you two have a little conversation about these expectations, and find out where he stands. It should be right up there with "Do you have any diseases?".

    I imagine this man is going to call you real soon. This could just be a bad week for him. I am glad you chose to air your feelings here, it is a safe place for that, and I am sure you will get a wide variety of responses to help you decide what is best for you. Smothering men is a relationship killer, but lack of consideration shouldn't be stood for either. It is a question of balance.

    I wish you well, and remember one thing...we have all been there, and it an aggravating place to be. The ball is in his court, then you get to choose whether to bump it, spike it, or let it go out of bounds.

     
    Old 01-15-2010, 09:17 AM   #3
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    Re: Great connection, but now he's vanished

    Hi Erin,

    I'm sorry to hear that your new found guy is playing hermit crab. The one thing I can come up with is that I've heard it said often that sometimes men freak out early in a relationship. It seems like he genuinely began to care about you, felt a true connection. And that scared him quite a bit. You said that he mentioned being surprised by how easy things were going. In my experience and with my friends experiences I've seen it happen more often that not.. when things get good for some guys (not all) they play "ghost" for a while to let things cool off. Their own feelings freak them out a bit. Some women also probably do this, but more often its men. Intimacy can scare them, even when they feel that they are really ready for it.

    I'd give it another few days before you throw in the towel. Like you already know, don't call or text again. Its in his court. If he gets past his freak out he will call again. If he doesn't , then he really wasn't as ready as he thought he was, he still has some growing up and learning to do.

    Either way, keep busy with your self and friends so you don't go mad and stir crazy!!
    Keep us posted!!

    Last edited by River rocks; 01-15-2010 at 09:19 AM.

     
    Old 01-15-2010, 09:56 AM   #4
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    Re: Great connection, but now he's vanished

    I understand your frustration as you are clearly falling fast for this guy. A word to the wise........DO NOT SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ON THE THIRD DATE! No matter how perfect it feels and how wonderful its seems.....its just too early and you've removed a huge piece of the mystery and excitement of a new relationship much too early.

    Also, play a little harder to get..........calling him back to let him know you were available on Wednesday after your plans changed and then mentioning Thursday.....implies you are over-eager! I realize all this sounds silly, but it always works. After just a month you have little new to share and if it really was a "good connection" you would not be upset or hurt .......... perhaps he is busy.....BUT SO ARE YOU AND YOU SHOULD BE! Take a step back, take a deep breathe and re-prioritize your life...........he might call this afternoon, but do not answer his call! And when you eventually do talk.....later tonight or early tomorrow morning.....tell him you are busy and may even go away skiing with friends for the day, etc. This is not playing games....BUT you are an attractive, busy and successful 30 year old woman-----you should have lots going on.............no man will ever want someone clinging to him.......let him chase you! If he doesn't then you did spook him, but it may only be temporary. My guess is he'll be back and all will fall into place..........but you still will be busy and have lots to do with your own time! Get it? Good Luck, keep us posted!

     
    Old 01-15-2010, 01:30 PM   #5
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    Re: Great connection, but now he's vanished

    how did you meet this guy?
    online?

     
    Old 01-15-2010, 01:55 PM   #6
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    Re: Great connection, but now he's vanished

    Thanks for reading, all. And yes, it was online. We've both been on for a couple months, but I was the first person he "took it offline" with.

     
    Old 01-15-2010, 02:09 PM   #7
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    Re: Great connection, but now he's vanished

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Erin94402 View Post
    Thanks for reading, all. And yes, it was online. We've both been on for a couple months, but I was the first person he "took it offline" with.
    these things happen with online relationships sometimes, because of timing....he may have met someone before you and she was dating others, and decided to give him a try.....or something like that...
    has he removed his profile?

     
    Old 01-15-2010, 02:22 PM   #8
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    Re: Great connection, but now he's vanished

    No, his profile is still open and he hasn't closed/deleted me as a connection. I was a little wary as this was his first foray online and I was the first girl he had gone out with from it. I thought he might be seduced by all of the options. But, you never know. I went online once before and after two weeks met a guy I dated for 1.5 years. It sometimes happens that quickly.

    He could very well be dating others or find someone, new or old, who he prefers. But he seemed very real and genuine with me and honest how he was starting to feel. This is a man who held me, looked into my eyes and said "I'm trembling, I'm nervous with you, you intimidate me, but I'm so attracted to you." And when I jokingly said "you know, there's more to me than just a good time," he said he asbolutely knew it and pulled me to him so sweetly. Gag, I know. What I am trying to say is this is someone I thought to be honest in words and actions and up until now, did not lead me to believe otherwise.

    It's confusing.

     
    Old 01-15-2010, 02:26 PM   #9
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    Re: Great connection, but now he's vanished

    not all relationships that started online are bad, and not all people online are bad.....I've done my share and then some of online dating.....
    I have a great BF now (that I met online) for the last 7 months, however I have had experiences such as yours in the past.....
    you could create a fake profile and see if he bites, then you'll know if he's still shopping around.

    Last edited by rosequartz; 01-15-2010 at 02:27 PM.

     
    Old 01-15-2010, 03:11 PM   #10
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    Re: Great connection, but now he's vanished

    I wouldn't assume the worst just yet. It's only been 3 days since you heard from him? I would take the call, assuming it's at a decent hour (not past 9 pm) and ask him what happened. Not in an accusing way, but just say that you'd expected to hear from him and when you didn't, you went ahead and made other plans. That way he has a chance to explain. Then you can decide if he's giving you a genuine reason or a lame excuse. I mean, I've done this before, when I made plans and was unable to get out of work and didn't have the guy's phone number with me...poor guy showed up where we agreed to meet and waited for 2 hours. Boy did I feel like a schmuck...so I'd give him a chance to explain, then go from there. But...DON"T call him, no matter how badly you want to know. He needs to make the effort.
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    Last edited by Redneon82; 01-15-2010 at 03:12 PM.

     
    Old 01-16-2010, 10:18 AM   #11
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    Re: Great connection, but now he's vanished

    It would seem he likes you, and wants to keep you around, but is not as into you as you were into him.

    The fact is, anyone can act sweet and attentive for four dates. It's a mistake to assume that just because he was sweet on those dates, that's who and how is really is through and through. I'm not saying he was playing a part, but maybe just putting on his best face. Now that he's slept with you, he's gotten the main thing he possibly could have been after since he didin't know you long enough to have really fallen for your mind or heart. I'm guessing when he has some free time and he's thinking of it, he'll call you again. If you want to keep it light and have some laughs and just get to know him a little better, then fine, answer. But I think you just kind of got a little ahead of yourself and took it all to be more serious than it was.

    p.s. congrats Rose on the relationshp! I hadn't "heard."

     
    Old 01-16-2010, 10:40 AM   #12
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    Re: Great connection, but now he's vanished

    Thanks for your words. I obviously got ahead of myself in a short time. But I didn't think too much about it all until the last time I saw him. It all snuck up on me, how I was starting to feel about him, what could happen with him, in the past week.

    I know I did not come on too strong at any point. He pursued -- he called, made plans, always got in touch right away for our first few dates. I didn't gush about anything, jump the gun in conversation, nothing. He was the one showing me photos of his family and friends, talking about very personal things (about his mother, who passed a few years ago), talking about when I'd meet his father and places we'd go, etc.

    If it was just purely sex I think I'd pick up on it. I wouldn't stay the night, he wouldn't have stayed right next to me, holding me, while we slept. He wouldn't have told me to stay and sleep in at his house while he went to work, he wouldn't have said how he hated leaving me to go to work that day. Maybe I am way off, I just didn't see any signs that it was only a hook up. He just didn't seem like the player type.

    I guess the bottom line is I wound up being wrong about him. That maybe hurts the most. I open up to someone and get excited about him for the first time in a long time...and it hurts to wind up being so wrong about who he was. I never felt like I was being fed lines or misled in any way. But I am hurt and ticked off and sad. Especially upset that my intuition was so off. That is just so difficult to figure out...it makes me feel like I can't trust myself or my instincts about someone.

     
    Old 01-16-2010, 10:53 AM   #13
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    Re: Great connection, but now he's vanished

    I went with someone for four years. He stayed at my place during the week, and on weekends. Not all of the time, but most of the time. I called him at his place. He would hold me and look into my eyes and cry, (real tears) and tell me he loved me so much. It was the most romantic relationship I have ever had in my life, one I put so much into of myself, maybe too much. I heard rumors that he was married. I said no way. I called his home, a girl answered and I asked to speak to him, he came to the phone. He told me later that yes he was married in name only, they slept in separate bedrooms, etc. I believed all of this, as I was always able to call him at home, she always put him on the phone, my stepdad went to work for him at his house making something, as he has a home business. So I thought all ws O.K. This went on for 4 years, I believed him, as I said, he was always at my home anyway. Then one Monday morning I heard another rumor, that he was at our company picnic with another girl. O.K., this is a very long story and I have left things out because it is too long, but you get the picture, he was totally believable for years. I called his wife and got the whole truth. He had not only been lying about her, but other women as well, he had business trips out of town, you know, a woman in every port.

    I guess I am saying, please get to know him better than you have. Men are very good at this.

    Sunny

    Last edited by 1sunny1; 01-16-2010 at 10:54 AM.

     
    Old 01-16-2010, 11:16 AM   #14
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    Re: Great connection, but now he's vanished

    I'm presuming from your post today that you haven't yet heard from him. That's puzzling, you'd think by now if he was sincere that he would have at least checked in.

    But yes, men (and women) are capable of saying and doing all the things that get us hooked, then simply vanishing or turning out to be not at all what we thought. I mean, my ex would wake me up in the middle of the night to say "I love you baby", he told me he wanted nothing to break us up...and he was sleeping with his nephew's fiancee, who he is now living with. And he too pursued me and begged me to give him a chance to prove how much he loved me.

    I hope this isn't the case with your guy, but if you don't hear from him soon then I guess you need to assume he's moved on and didn't have the nerve to tell you, or didn't feel obligated to do so since you only had 4 dates.
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    Old 01-16-2010, 11:37 AM   #15
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    Re: Great connection, but now he's vanished

    The same thing happened to me once. Several years ago I dated a guy and everything was going good, he was very attentive. About 2 months later I got a call from a woman you had found a card I gave him and found out my phone number. He had been living with her for 6 years! We talked for 2 hours about him. I was the other woman but never knew it! I dumped him the same day. Imagine how much of a fool I felt.
    I agree with LarryLousmom, it's easy to be someone else you're not early in the relationship. Next time please don't sleep with the person right away.
    I haven't dated since the internet has come out so I've never done any online dating, don't know exactly how it works. He might have been contacted by another person and he may have had a date with her on Wednesday. Maybe he's still deciding and wanting to date you both for a while but hasn't come back to you yet. Keep your options open with other guys but move slower physically and emotionally next time.

     
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