HealthBoards (
-   Relationship Health (
-   -   My gf play fights with her guy friends... out of line? (

mani82 01-28-2010 08:38 PM

My gf play fights with her guy friends... out of line?
I was at a house party with my gf (she's 23) yesterday and we were sitting against a wall watching a game of beer pong. One of her managers (a guy around 30) called her a ***** in a joking way. She said, "Oh yeah!? I'll show you!" and jumped up and ran across to the other side of the room and slugged him. Then they started play fighting back-and-forth for about 10 seconds until he wrapped his arms around her to subdue her. One of her other managers came over to me and said, "Oh don't worry about him - he's got a girlfriend (the guy my gf was messing with)."

Now, my gf is the jealous type and always questioning me about things. I know that if roles were reversed and a girl called me a "jerk" and I ran across the room and slapped her arm and got into a 10 second play fight that ended with her wrapping her arms around me... well, I know my gf would be upset. I actually proposed that scenario to her and she said it would upset her if it happened. She also said "it would be different because all my friends that are girls like me." But I said, "You don't know what's running through the guy you were messing with's head..."

Well we didn't talk about it anymore until when we got home that night. I asked her if I gave her enough attention. She said, "Yes, and why?" I said, "I was just wondering if you feel the need to flirt with other guys like at the party..." She got quiet for 10 minutes (formulating her battle plan I guess...)

She starts off with, "Well he's my bro." (She calls all her guy friends 'bros') I'm like, "What?" She: "He's like a brother. Brothers and sisters fight." I said, "He's not even a close friend of yours. He's just a guy you know at work. So don't say it's a brother-sister thing because if an adult male and adult female who are not related play-fight, then to me that's flirting."

Then she said no one else thought that was flirting. And I said your other manager came over to me during it and said "to not worry about that.. that the guy had a gf.. So obviously even he could see the flirting in it..."

Then she got quiet for another minute and said, "I was angry that he called me a ***** and I went over there to hurt him but not too much because he's my manager and I could get in trouble." I said, "If what he said bothered you and he's like your "bro" can't you just tell him to his face that what he said bothered you and you felt disrespected?" That I don't know many people who are genuinely upset would handle it like she did.

Also, she ran over there laughing.. and they were laughing the entire time they were messing throughout. I've seen her mad. She was definitely not mad. So I didn't appreciate her last defense - it seemed insulting for me for her to say something so far-fetched.

I don't mind her slapping her guy friends every now and then but a 10 second play fight ending with the guy's arms wrapped around my gf seems a little too touchy-feely for me. She's an attractive girl and I know how guy's think. Even if she had innocent intentions it's still comes off poorly. I wouldn't do it with another girl. And also that my gf initiated the physical contact by going all the way across the room bothers me. And the fact that she wouldn't be cool at all with me play-fighting with other girls.

One other thing to mention - pretty much all of our flirting is play-fighting. It turns her on. She's feisty. So I know that her preferred method of flirting is play-fighting like that... that makes a little more uncomfortable when she play-fights with other guys.

So after we talked about it casually I asked her for any input and she just stayed silent for a long time. She kept glaring at me so I asked if she was angry. She said she was angry that I accused her of going to him to flirt. I said, "I don't think you ran over there specifically to flirt. But you ending up play-fighting with him and play-fighting to me is flirting. So do I think you flirted? Yes."

My gf is very pretty but also has some self-esteem issues. She was cheated on in every relationship she's ever had before me. She always thinks I'm going to break up with her. She has dreams that I cheat on her. I've only been true to her throughout the 4 months we've dated and I get her little anniversary gifts all the time. She always says how happy I make her and that I'm bar far the best bf she's ever had. Anyways... I'm just checking to see if I handled this situation in a decent manner. I try to present it unbiased. Everyone I've asked so far has told me I was justified in getting upset over her behavior.

digmusic 01-28-2010 11:01 PM

Re: My gf play fights with her guy friends... out of line?
Honestly, I think your original suspicions are correct - she was trying to make you jealous on purpose to get a sense of control back, because she is tired of feeling jealous and insecure. I used to do that all the time until I learned how bad that is and how it doesn't actually help at all. Maybe she liked you confronting her and giving her that attention, but she's probably not going to admit that. On the other hand, maybe she's just a bit self-centered and honestly didn't think of that as flirting, whereas if you did the same thing, she would. I've done the same thing as well. It's like I KNOW in my mind that I don't have feelings for another guy, so if I joke around with a guy or whatever, I know it's not a big deal, especially if my boyfriend isn't jealous. However if my boyfriend did the same thing, it would be a big deal because I can never really "know" his intentions or feelings except what he tells me. In her case though with her history, I do think it was more intentional. Nothing to worry about, especially since she did it in front of you - she was probably looking for a little ego boost and is relieved that you feel she is worth fighting for. I wouldn't worry about it too much unless she keeps doing it or it gets worse. Bummer that she can't be honest with you, or maybe even herself, about what's going on... seems like her justifications are a little empty. Just my opinion though, as I don't know her and wasn't there.

rosequartz 01-29-2010 06:45 AM

Re: My gf play fights with her guy friends... out of line?
I think she like the attention from the guys.....

caberg 01-29-2010 08:03 AM

Re: My gf play fights with her guy friends... out of line?
I don't know if it was done on purpose to make you jealous (that may be giving her too much credit in the brains department), but I do agree: it's definitely flirting and definitely inappropriate. It sounds like she needs to grow up, and she may not be mature enough for a relationship with you.

Kszan 01-29-2010 08:26 AM

Re: My gf play fights with her guy friends... out of line?
High maintenance!! Looks like you've got yourself an attention seeking drama queen! She is clearly too immature to be in a relationship.

There are other things more important in this world than looks. It sounds like the only reason you're with her is cause of how she looks. She is clearly not too bright and she has issues with needing to be the center of attention. Sounds like a real winner!

River rocks 01-29-2010 11:17 AM

Re: My gf play fights with her guy friends... out of line?
I agree with the others. I think she likes the attention. I doubt it has anything to do with her liking the other guy. She is insecure so another mans attention made her feel good. Its good that you put the shoe on the other foot for her to understand that she would NOT like it if you did the same thing. Sounds to me you talked to her reasonably. I'd let this one go but if she continues to need to flirt, then she is just too imature for you.

Tubular 02-01-2010 11:28 AM

Re: My gf play fights with her guy friends... out of line?
She likes the attention and if she's doing it in front of you, you can be sure she's doing it to a greater extent behind your back. They seem pretty comfortable with one another, don't ya think.

They work together...he's her boss...she's younger than him and attractive. That's a recipe right there.

Doesn't matter that he's got a gf. Wouldn't even matter if he were married.

She knows the behavior is unacceptable and yet she defends her actions. :nono:

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:58 AM.