It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • Help, my wife has Bi-Polar and OCD..

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 02-10-2010, 02:11 PM   #1
    RDeMoN
    Newbie
    (male)
     
    RDeMoN's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2010
    Posts: 5
    RDeMoN HB User
    Help, my wife has Bi-Polar and OCD..

    Hello,

    My beautiful loving wife of only 4 months was diagnosed with Bi-Polar and OCD as a child. She REFUSES TREATMENT! I'm afraid to press the issue because she gets so so very mean about it.

    Our relationship is falling apart, and falling apart fast and I feel like its all my fault. She blames me for anything and everything.

    I've sacrificed all of me and everything about me for that girl, and its seems like its not enough. She always presses how I'm not there for her and how I don't protect her and how she deserves much better. I'm talking something simple such as me unable to come home early because she's at home alone and scared and her a noise outside.

    I'm never able to reassure her of ANYTHING, she just crys and cry's sometimes and then will be so mad and demanding that she just wants a loving husband who will be there for her when she needs him the most.

    If it weren't for the military I would have been fired already because I spent 70% or more of my time txting and talking with her on the phone instead of paying attention to my job. I've drained my bank account which at the time when we met (almost a year ago), several thousand dollars and I'm in debt by several grand (20+ thousand).

    She is also very uncomfortable around me. She won't get changed in front of me, forces me to turn around or leave the room. And our sex life.. well there isn't one!

    98% of the time she is either ignoring me or yelling at me. And she seems like she has absolutly NO concept on reality. WHAT SO EVER! She is living in a fairy tale fictional world and I can't seem to concvince her of anything without starting a wicked violant fight that consists of her lashing out at me with the meanest comments I've ever heard. I've broken down and cryed in front of her and she just laughs at me says I'm rediculous. She has told me I'm a **** pour excuse for a man and a husband.

    I'm 25y/o and she is 19, so I figured it was just her being a teen ager and as the months went on it got worse and worse. Her mom is bipolar as well but is medicated.

    THe thing that confuses me is 2% of the time when she is mentally stable, I look into her eyes and I get reminded of the girl I fell in love with, that I would die for. That I would kill for. I've given her my entire heart and soul. I've done everything I can and it seems like its not enough!!! She always threatens to leave and wants a divorce.

    Right now her stuff is packed and she hasn't worn her wedding ring in months. She says unless I can come up with a good excuse for why I have hurt her all these months she's gone. I'm unable to come up with one becuase there isn't one! I never hurt her!

    Any and all help is appreciated!!!

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 02-10-2010, 02:13 PM   #2
    RDeMoN
    Newbie
    (male)
     
    RDeMoN's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2010
    Posts: 5
    RDeMoN HB User
    Re: Help, my wife has Bi-Polar and OCD..

    Let me also include that I've turned my back on ALL my friends, I don't go anywhere, don't have any hobbies (anymore) becuase I focus all my efforts on her! I use to be BIG into bodybuilding and weightlifting, and I don't go anymore becuase it started so many fights. I am not very fat and out of shape which is bad for the military, and everytime I say I'm gonna go to the gym she's like "WHY?" or I'll get yelled at if I mention that I was with a friend at work she assumes that I was laughing and partying.

    I get yelled at for going to sleep at night "HOW CAN YOU JUST SLEEP WHEN YOU AND YOUR WIFE ARE FIGHTING!!"

    I don't get it. I love this girl so much...

     
    Old 02-10-2010, 03:01 PM   #3
    ny305
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Feb 2010
    Location: ny-usa
    Posts: 13
    ny305 HB User
    Re: Help, my wife has Bi-Polar and OCD..

    your situation sounds a lot like mine except my husband to be is the victim an im the 1 being the guy in the relationship.. my husband to be tells me he feels forced to marry me.. im bipolar, ocd, borderline too.. i have no friends too.. i refuse meds too.. your wife sounds like me except im almost 26 and my husband to be is already 26.. medication would help a whole lot to make right decisions.. sometimes medications cant change our selfish ways though.. you understand me.. like for me i dont work and collect ssi and food stamps and section 8 while my man works.. we have a 7month old daughter together.. i am always lonely and very needy when my man is not home, so i go on myspace an ******** and look for lesbian woman.. i understand what your going through with your wife, because me and my man always fight too over my bad decisions and manic ways.. our sex life is not really there either.. i think your wife needs to find other friends then just you-same with myself.. i have none..

     
    Old 02-10-2010, 05:29 PM   #4
    tattoogirl
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    tattoogirl's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Dec 2004
    Posts: 1,043
    tattoogirl HB User
    Re: Help, my wife has Bi-Polar and OCD..

    You need to look at why you have gotten into and stay in such a relationship if what you said is the reality of it. She "hasn't worn her wedding ring in months" and you've only been married 4months. I suspect you had a whirlwind courtship that was very intense and perhaps was driven by the excitement she provided for you and her "needing" you stroked your ego. You can't get into a relationship thinking you are going to "save" or "fix" someone. This relationship is codependent and if you weren't getting something out of her being a "mess" you would not be involved any longer. Often times people get with others with "weaknesses" or issues to be a savior. When you see, mental illness aside, a 25yr old man marrying a 19yr old "teenager" one has to wonder why. It would seem the first logical thing would be the need to control someone else. I am by NO means saying her behavior is acceptable but I also think when one presents themselves as the martyr in a relationship red flags go up. The only behavior and actions you can control are your own. She hasn't made you do anything. You have chosen to separate from friends, spend money or risk losing your job to focus on her. There is a reason you are doing this and I must say this kind of pathology doesn't stem from love. I'm not saying you don't feel like you love her but love is an ACTION and what actions are going on between the 2 of you that is love?

    "THe thing that confuses me is 2% of the time when she is mentally stable, I look into her eyes and I get reminded of the girl I fell in love with, that I would die for." The preceding comment you made actually kind of scares me. Read it and re read it, does that sound rational on your part? How long have you been with her? Who was the girl you fell in love with before? You are talking as if you were together for 20yrs and things changed.....you were married 4 months and she's only 19. You think she's only "mentally stable" 2% of the time? If that were true, than you love mental instability! Just put yourself on the outside and read your post, what would you think? I'm sorry I'm not more empathetic to your situation but I don't think you truly have good intentions. Sometimes, actually quite often, when the other person gets "well" the dynamic of the relationship will change and she might no longer "need" you and I have to wonder how you will react to such a situation. Sometimes partners think they want the other person to become stronger but, when they do, the person who originally had the "control" can begin to lose said control and no good can from that and it can actually become a dangerous situation which you eluded it was already. Others might disagree with me but I think you both need serious mental health support, NOT just her.

    Last edited by tattoogirl; 02-10-2010 at 09:52 PM.

     
    Old 02-10-2010, 10:01 PM   #5
    brookanna
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    brookanna's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2010
    Location: usa
    Posts: 3
    brookanna HB User
    Re: Help, my wife has Bi-Polar and OCD..

    manicness is so very very well it sucks all the life out of her and it takes every bit of strength you have and then some.what we call the high's can cause severe damage to any relationship and the lowest of low's should be monitered if not on medication.I know how hard it is to live with such an unpredictable illness.Please sir i beg you to try to get her on medication, the first try may not work but please keep at it she may feel like a guinni pig till the right med.is working for her but its worth it and it just may save you and your marriage. take care,brookanna

     
    Old 02-12-2010, 07:25 AM   #6
    esolc
    Senior Member
    (male)
     
    esolc's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2009
    Location: Christiansburg, Va.
    Posts: 190
    esolc HB User
    Re: Help, my wife has Bi-Polar and OCD..

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by RDeMoN View Post
    Hello,

    My beautiful loving wife of only 4 months was diagnosed with Bi-Polar and OCD as a child. She REFUSES TREATMENT! I'm afraid to press the issue because she gets so so very mean about it.

    Our relationship is falling apart, and falling apart fast and I feel like its all my fault. She blames me for anything and everything.

    I've sacrificed all of me and everything about me for that girl, and its seems like its not enough. She always presses how I'm not there for her and how I don't protect her and how she deserves much better. I'm talking something simple such as me unable to come home early because she's at home alone and scared and her a noise outside.

    I'm never able to reassure her of ANYTHING, she just crys and cry's sometimes and then will be so mad and demanding that she just wants a loving husband who will be there for her when she needs him the most.

    If it weren't for the military I would have been fired already because I spent 70% or more of my time txting and talking with her on the phone instead of paying attention to my job. I've drained my bank account which at the time when we met (almost a year ago), several thousand dollars and I'm in debt by several grand (20+ thousand).

    She is also very uncomfortable around me. She won't get changed in front of me, forces me to turn around or leave the room. And our sex life.. well there isn't one!

    98% of the time she is either ignoring me or yelling at me. And she seems like she has absolutly NO concept on reality. WHAT SO EVER! She is living in a fairy tale fictional world and I can't seem to concvince her of anything without starting a wicked violant fight that consists of her lashing out at me with the meanest comments I've ever heard. I've broken down and cryed in front of her and she just laughs at me says I'm rediculous. She has told me I'm a **** pour excuse for a man and a husband.

    I'm 25y/o and she is 19, so I figured it was just her being a teen ager and as the months went on it got worse and worse. Her mom is bipolar as well but is medicated.

    THe thing that confuses me is 2% of the time when she is mentally stable, I look into her eyes and I get reminded of the girl I fell in love with, that I would die for. That I would kill for. I've given her my entire heart and soul. I've done everything I can and it seems like its not enough!!! She always threatens to leave and wants a divorce.

    Right now her stuff is packed and she hasn't worn her wedding ring in months. She says unless I can come up with a good excuse for why I have hurt her all these months she's gone. I'm unable to come up with one becuase there isn't one! I never hurt her!

    Any and all help is appreciated!!!
    I know this is unbearable. 70% of any category medicaly do not follow their precriptions. They take to much some days, to little other days, the medicene disagrees with them physicaly, etc. I know your wife refuses treatment but I would let go, I would with my spouse make a little tough love. I have found with myself, I am the Bipoar one, I try to manipulate situations to my atvantage and make the person I am with an innocent enabler to my illness. My wife as I did her once, gave me a little tough love, she told me I knew where the door was:Sirca 40 years latter of marriage same woman. We still squable once in a while but have to respect one another for what are, the owners of ourselves individually.

    Case

     
    Old 04-16-2010, 01:38 PM   #7
    mommafloyd
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    mommafloyd's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2010
    Posts: 3
    mommafloyd HB User
    Re: Help, my wife has Bi-Polar and OCD..

    RDeMoN,
    I hope you are still hanging in there and get this post since you haven't posted since
    Feb and it's mid April. I am a bipolar wife. My disorder has gotten worse at times and better at times over the years. I have been married almost 19 years, we have 4 kids. I have blamed my husband for some of the same things; not being the "take charge" man, not helping me and being there for me, going to sleep when I am raging mad etc... I get it all. I am fortunate that I am #1 much older than your wife (married at 23) and have stuck it out and that I finally was diagnosed and take my medication. Your wife is at least diagnosed so you know what's wrong. I wasn't diagnosed until about 7 years ago. So my husband stayed not knowing what the heck was so wrong for 12 years.
    Your wife HAS to take medication. Unfortunately, part of the disorder makes us not want medication because it is scary not knowing how it may affect us and it may get worse before it gets better because it may take many different trys before you find the right one. I knew I had to take medication to get better and it took at least 2 years until I found a good one.
    There are support groups that may or may not help but if she will go with you and hear testimony from others like her, it may help her to realize she is not the only one with this disorder and she can get better with medication.
    Right now your wife is out of control and scared. I have a book called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." You may want to read it. Your wife doesn't want you to leave her but she feels out of control and wants help. You have to be tough with her and force the issue of meds and a psychiatrist or you have to leave because you love her, not because you don't. Her disorder is not your fault but I do feel a spouse can help if they understand like you do but do not allow being a punching bag. You have to take care of yourself too. You have to tell her that because you love her you want her to take medication. Diet, excercise and medication is the only way to lead a normal life with bipolar.
    I don't know if it has been much help but if she has demands and she is screaming them at you, write them down or videotape her (with her knowing) and then follow through on what she asks of you. Listen and act. If she is still out of control and blaming you as we all know she will because she is unmedicated, you point out rationally that you have done all of those things and it didn't help so she either needs meds and you will stay or you have to leave. It takes two. Sounds like you are more than willing to help but if she isn't willing to do her part there is nothing more you can do.
    If you leave and she gets worse or something bad happens, know that it is not your fault. The only thing I can imagine is if you work with her mother to force her to get help. Seroquel has helped me immensely but everyone is very different. It made my son sleep for two days (also bipolar) but I take 3 times what he took and sleep well at night and helps me to stay more stable during the day. If she is extremely manic she could use some calming down meds to take the rage out. Nobody likes being that out of control so if she asks you to step up and be a man, then step up and demand she go to a psychiatrist and go with her. Tell her YOU are gone if she doesn't. Don't let her control this situation, you need to be in control, you are the one who is rational and stable. I think that is what she is really asking for even though she fights you to no end when you try. It's all part of the disorder. Don't back down, stay tough and follow through.
    When I demanded my mother feel sorry for me before my diagnosis, the best thing she did was tell me she didn't have time for me and I needed to take care of my own life. I felt abandoned but it made me wake up and realize I had to change. My greatest fear was my husband leaving me (which he should have, really) but what I would threaten is to leave him. She doesn't want to leave. Deep down she wants help and has no idea what that looks like.
    Good luck, I say hang in there but with tough love and demand she get help and be serious that you will leave her otherwise. You may have to leave only for her to beg you to come back. In that case you will have the upper hand and only come back if she gets help. PERIOD!

     
    Old 04-16-2010, 01:44 PM   #8
    rosequartz
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    rosequartz's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Location: Chicago,IL
    Posts: 11,283
    rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
    Re: Help, my wife has Bi-Polar and OCD..

    a relationship that is good 2% of the time is not worth staying in.
    I was married to an unmedicated bi-polar man for 10 years.....I know what I'm talking about.
    If she won't get help, your marriage doesn't stand a chance.
    It's not your fault, but she will be very manipulative to get you to feel like it's your fault. Also the book, I hate you don't leave me, is about BPD, borderline personality disorder......not bi-polar, although there are some similarities.
    I urge you to think of your own health.....you can't fix her.

     
    Old 04-17-2010, 09:09 AM   #9
    00lady00
    Veteran
    (female)
     
    00lady00's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2009
    Posts: 338
    00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User
    Re: Help, my wife has Bi-Polar and OCD..

    WoW, well, coming from someone that suffers from a PTSD and possibly some other type of panic disorder I can definitely relate to how you're wife is feeling. I've screwed up a few relationships because of these issues too, and i guess i would have to say that part of loving her is loving yourself, take care of yourself first and she will be taken care of as well. I'm going to agree with some of the other people and suggest that you seperate for a while, it's obvious that you care, but you have to care enough about yourself first, and I can tell you've already given up so much and it isn't paying off. I would suggest to her that she needs to find professional help in order to control herself and seperate until she does so.

    When i realized how badly i was hurting myself and other people with my problems, I started seeing a therapist and education myself on my self development. Your wife is an adult, she knows what she's doing and it's simply a bad habit she needs to learn to cope with, manage and control is key, but also awareness.

    This is no different then the women who stays with the alcoholic, she belives she is trying to help him, but in reality she is only giving him an excuse to keep the bad habit and ruin her life.

    take some time off, give her the help she really needs.

    best of luck!

     
    Old 04-17-2010, 01:08 PM   #10
    RDeMoN
    Newbie
    (male)
     
    RDeMoN's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2010
    Posts: 5
    RDeMoN HB User
    Re: Help, my wife has Bi-Polar and OCD..

    I'm hanging in there. CUrrently working up divorce paper work. I just can't bear it anymore.

    About a month ago she had the audisty to tell me "I'm gonna hang out with an old buddy of mine" some dude that I didn't know. I kinda had a problem with it but I was chill about it at the same time. They were out ALLL day long, then went out to dinner and a movie. and I had a problem with that, then she txted me for the first time in HOURS saying that she didn't feel good and was gonna get a hotel room for the night. And he was in the room with her.

    I was furious about it. But didn't flip out on her cause I know how she is, but she was mad at me for being upset about it and told me it wasn't a big deal and how I'm a jerk for not worrying about if she was feeling better or not. And how dare I not offer to come pick her up.


    I have made SEVERAL attempts in the past few months to talk to her about bi-polar and all situations put me into a corner of the room with a slap across the face/punch in the eye.

    Our sex life become completely 0. Married 5-6 months now and had sex 4 times. No hugs, kisses, cuddling. Nothing completely no affection.

    I can't do it anymore. I've been reading up on Bipolar "rapid cycling" where you have 12-15 episodes a year. What is it when you go from skipping around giggling and singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall in the middle of walmart.. then immediatly without any hesitation yelling and screaming at me for not "skipping with her" and not "having fun" and being to "serious". It took me almost an hour to find her cause she ran away from me.

    I am leaving her becuase I love her. She thinks she's happier now without me then with me. I know this is fact because since the day I left she started inviting all these friends over and going out all the time. Her friends buy her everything and take her to all these places. And I pay her bills all of them. I told her that's why she's happy. I wish her the best of luck I really do.

    I really hope she finds a man that'll better be able to take care of me cause I was more patient then anyone I know!!!

    But I'll tell you this, if anyone ever hurts her.. I'm probably going away for a while.

     
    Old 04-17-2010, 01:27 PM   #11
    Redneon82
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Redneon82's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2007
    Location: California
    Posts: 2,093
    Redneon82 HB User
    Re: Help, my wife has Bi-Polar and OCD..

    I believe that people in these types of relationships honestly think they're "in love", but what they really get into is the ups and downs, the roller coaster aspect of the relationship. It's like a huge adrenaline rush to be around someone who is completely unpredictable, with whom you never know if they're going to fling their arms around you and smother you with hugs and kisses, or fly at you in a hurtful rage, spitting hateful words.

    I know because it was like that with my ex. He's not diagnosable, but I would never know if he was going to be sweet and loving with me and act happy that he was with me, or if he was going to spend the evening flirting with someone else. One minute he loved me beyond reason, the next he was telling me I was just his friend and we weren't together. It got to where I was really looking forward to the times he chose to be nice and I just stayed quiet during the times he was mean, waiting for him to be nice again.

    Looking back, I can see how absolutely unhealthy this was. And that I didn't "love" him, I just wanted desperately for him to love me. It's not the same thing.

    You are wise to let her go. It took me a while, but the perspective time gave me on the whole situation made me realize that I could never have a relationship like that again. It's no good for anyone to live like that.

    I'd advise you to stop paying for her party lifestyle too. What if you meet someone else eventually? Someone healthy and wonderful? I don't think you'd want to be financing your ex's party if you're seeing someone else. I think letting her go 100% would be healthiest for you.
    __________________
    "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong

     
    Old 04-19-2010, 08:47 AM   #12
    00lady00
    Veteran
    (female)
     
    00lady00's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2009
    Posts: 338
    00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User00lady00 HB User
    Re: Help, my wife has Bi-Polar and OCD..

    I definitely agree, I found myself in the same situation. well, not with someone who would say they loved me one minute and not the next, but with someone who did love me, i just never belived it.

    I'm glad that you're looking out for yourself and removing yourself from this marriage, it's just not healthy.

    Don't give up your life for anyone, ever.

     
    Old 04-20-2010, 05:03 AM   #13
    esolc
    Senior Member
    (male)
     
    esolc's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2009
    Location: Christiansburg, Va.
    Posts: 190
    esolc HB User
    Re: Help, my wife has Bi-Polar and OCD..

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by 00lady00 View Post
    I definitely agree, I found myself in the same situation. well, not with someone who would say they loved me one minute and not the next, but with someone who did love me, i just never belived it.

    I'm glad that you're looking out for yourself and removing yourself from this marriage, it's just not healthy.

    Don't give up your life for anyone, ever.
    I am just getting out of my 4 th hopital stay and what you say sparks a raw nerve with me. Even though I know my wife is with me I have trouble internally beleiving the same which makes for some tense moments. Thus the only way I can avoid clashing with her is to be quiet, but when I do that the Dr.' think I am depressed and want to put me back in the hospital. I feel all I do is go in circles and that really does depress me. Now the doctors have me medicated me up to where I am a walking relic of myself. Thanks for letting me vent.

    Case

     
    Old 04-21-2010, 03:34 AM   #14
    RDeMoN
    Newbie
    (male)
     
    RDeMoN's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2010
    Posts: 5
    RDeMoN HB User
    Re: Help, my wife has Bi-Polar and OCD..

    I have a question for you folks.

    I am truly truly bothered by soemthing. I've been out of the house (removed myself) for a little over a month now. I pay all her bills (she has no job, and wants to join the military). In addition to paying her rent, elec/water, cable/tv, phone and carpayments/insurance (car I bought for her birthday). I'm also giving her 400 a month for food/gas.

    IN ADDITION to all that, she barely EVER talks to me, and is literally partying all the time. Always going out with her friends, and her friends take her everywhere and treat her out. And she's the happiest little thing on earth. She's been pretty much happy for the entire month (so she says).

    Now what has me concerned and very worried for her. Is she truly happy and better off without me? Or is it the fact that everything is provided for her and the fact that she is always going out and has her own place for free has caused her to be manic?

    One of my buddies (his wife is medicated bpd), told me that she is in a super state of manic right now and when she cycles its going to be HARD and to make sure someone is with her.

     
    Old 04-21-2010, 05:18 AM   #15
    trystme
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Apr 2004
    Location: Atlanta, GA
    Posts: 1,097
    trystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB User
    Re: Help, my wife has Bi-Polar and OCD..

    I'd be pretty happy if everyone provided everything for me, if I didn't have to work and all I had to do was party on someone else's dime. Sounds like a super sweet situation.

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    HELP ME PUT A NAME TO MY ILLNESS 14allall41 Lupus 9 10-17-2007 07:41 AM
    help me, i need motivation, a purpose... skyangel_4_ever Depression 7 04-30-2006 02:12 PM
    Married to a BPD and needing help! Please... STzenn Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 58 01-20-2006 11:43 AM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:12 PM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!