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  • Boyfriend's Mom... call her "mom"?

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    Old 02-26-2010, 04:25 PM   #1
    desertgirl
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    Boyfriend's Mom... call her "mom"?

    Okay, so two weeks ago, my boyfriend's mother took both he and I out to dinner. She ended dinner, which was awesome, by saying that she didn't like me calling her "Mrs. L" after 3 years of dating her son. Instead, she wants me to call her "mom." I'm incredibly uncomfortable about this. True, I really love his mom and she's great, but my mom is my mom. I don't feel comfortable calling her that. How do I approach this? I told my boyfriend that I thought it was weird, and he and his sister both said it's not a big deal, as their friends have always called their mom "mom." However, I'm just not another friend and the connotations of me calling her mom are totally different.

    I have no problem with her, my relationship with her son is great, I just don't like that closeness. I'd rather call her by her first name, but she says that no one younger than her can call her by her first name.

    someone please offer advice on how to approach this! Should I just suck it up and call her mom, or should I say that it's slightly creepy for me? (In nicer words, obviously.)

    Thanks!

     
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    Old 02-26-2010, 04:40 PM   #2
    angela5271
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    Re: Boyfriend's Mom... call her "mom"?

    Is there something else you could call her besides "mom" or her 1st name? My ex-SIL called my mom, "Ma." She didn't feel comfortable with "mom" either so she found something kinda in between.

    You should never do anything that feels creepy to you, and if calling her anything beside her name feels creepy don't compromise. She will have to understand your position.

    good luck

    Angela

    Added 2/27 : I didn't even take into consideration that you are not married...so yeah to call her "mom" or anything resembling that is quite creepy. Like I said above don't compromise and she'll have to understand. Angela

    Last edited by angela5271; 02-27-2010 at 08:53 AM. Reason: added something

     
    Old 02-27-2010, 05:20 AM   #3
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    Re: Boyfriend's Mom... call her "mom"?

    I have been married for 7 years and known my husband and his family for 11 years. My MIL is still called by her first name.

     
    Old 02-27-2010, 05:56 AM   #4
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    Re: Boyfriend's Mom... call her "mom"?

    I was married to my first husband for 24 years and I never felt comfortable calling my MIL "Mom". I just called her by her first name. In my family, the in laws called my parents by their first names or Granny or Paw Paw once they began to have their grandchildren. But for someone that is not even your MIL yet, first name would be most appropriate.
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    Old 03-03-2010, 03:14 AM   #5
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    Re: Boyfriend's Mom... call her "mom"?

    She is off base insisting that you call her mom. If she is all about manners, and not wanting you to call her by her first name, where are her manners making you feel uncomfortable with the mom thing?

    What mom wouldn't be impressed by a young woman who respected her own mother enough to reserve the title of mom, to only her? I would never call anyone mom, except my mom. If someone asked me to, I would laugh and say "Oh, I couldn't possibly call any one mom, except my mom"!

    She should not be the least bit offended!



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    Old 03-03-2010, 08:12 AM   #6
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    Re: Boyfriend's Mom... call her "mom"?

    I wouldn't call her mom.....if she's so adamant about it, I wouldn't call her anything.....if you need to get her attention just say "hey" LOL
    I think it's better than "hey you"

     
    Old 03-03-2010, 08:53 AM   #7
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    Re: Boyfriend's Mom... call her "mom"?

    "Mom" is very personal, you shouldnt feel obligated to call her that.
    I always called my (now ex) mother in law by her first name. My mom called her mother in law by her first name..its normal.
    Your bf's mom probably has a mother hen complex where she likes to feel all important or something. Don't do it if it doesnt come naturally.
    Maybe you could ask her or her boyfriend if she has a nick name (if her real name is to formal or stuffy) or come up with a nice, complimentary or cute nick name for her. Do what feel right. I'd be uncomfortable calling anyone except my own mom "mom" also.

     
    Old 03-03-2010, 09:41 AM   #8
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    Re: Boyfriend's Mom... call her "mom"?

    Call her Mrs. Mom. or nothing at all...like the rest of us just don't call her anything. If she ever asks why you can't call her mom just say you can only call one person mom and leave it at that.

     
    Old 03-03-2010, 10:10 AM   #9
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    Re: Boyfriend's Mom... call her "mom"?

    I'd wait for an opportunity to present itself to lightly bring it up. I also wouldn't say you think it's creepy. Make it about you and use a word like "uncomfortable."

    If I were you, I'd continue calling her Mrs. _____ (whatever her last name is). Let her bring up calling her mom and then you can wiggle in your seat or look a bit squeamish and awkward and politely and gently tell her you feel awkward about it ... "but what else can I call you?"

    I mean, you know her personality. Is she flamboyant or an attention-seeker? Is she more down to earth or reserved? I'd either keep it real light-hearted and matter of fact, "Hey, next round's on me, Mrs. -- Maa -- yanno, I feel kinda uncomfortable calling you Mom yet. What are some other options?" or earnest and sincere when the opportunity presents itself, "Mrs. -- Maa -- listen, please don't take this personally or offensive, but I'm a bit uncomfortable calling you mom at this point, but I need to be able to address you comfortably in conversation and writing. What else can I call you?"

    Good luck. I've been with my guy over 19 years now, married for nearly 12 of them, and I don't call his mother mom. I love her like my own and she's a huge part of my life (blessed with in-laws over here for the most part), but it's a just awkward for me. And she doesn't seem to mind. She'll even leave messages for me at home or on the cell and refer to herself with her first name.

    ETA: I also agree with that Ann said. Mrs. Mom is a nice alternative. I'd also imagine that you could just avoid using any name at all in most circumstances.

    Last edited by StenoLady1; 03-03-2010 at 10:12 AM.

     
    Old 03-03-2010, 12:33 PM   #10
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    Re: Boyfriend's Mom... call her "mom"?

    I started dating my husband 7 years ago and we got married a year and a half ago. My parents always taught me to have manners when I was growing up, so I didn't feel comfortable calling my in-laws by their first name for the first few years. I usually just tried to avoid calling them anything. I'd just look at them, make sure they were paying attention, and start talking... never really had to say "hey you!" lol... that would be even more uncomfortable. Now that it' been 7 years I feel more comfortable and can easily call them by their first names. I totally agree with you not wanting to call her "mom" because I think that would be disrespectful to your own mother. I think your future MIL (I assumed you're planning on getting married) is being a bit ridiculous by not letting you call her by her first name. If she wants to be formal, I think calling her "mom" would be way more informal than calling her by her first name. So if she's going to make it more complicated than necessary, just try not to call her anything, and if you need to get her attention just keep calling her Mrs. because that's really the only option she's given you.

     
    Old 03-04-2010, 06:44 AM   #11
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    Re: Boyfriend's Mom... call her "mom"?

    If you're not comfortable about doing something, . . . if someone insist, . . . it's called "a controlling personality". Your [potential] mother in law needs to be a little more humble. She isn't the queen.
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    Old 03-08-2010, 01:37 PM   #12
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    Re: Boyfriend's Mom... call her "mom"?

    my two cents....
    it may be a cultural thing so tread lightly.
    i am american but of a different ethnicity, brought up very old fashioned, part of a large family. i am the only sibling not married. all the in law children call my parents mom and dad, and my siblings call their in-laws mom and dad. that is so strong in our tradition anything else is considered very disrespectful and not just some sort of personal expression.

    **********

    okay i am now editing the rest of my post, because it was basically that you should give her some benefit of the doubt and maybe she was trying to be nice... but then i went back and read your previous posts which i vaguely remembered & i think this guy & his family are nuts.

    you're not his wife.... and he's not even the world's best bf, if i remember correctly? i'd be a little creeped out.

    so yes i do think married couples should treat each other's parents as their own but this guy is not even consistent to keep dates with you and you're supposed to call his mom, mom?

    Last edited by nobodyknows; 03-08-2010 at 01:47 PM. Reason: had to edit

     
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