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livinon1 03-05-2010 05:02 PM

The stress never ends w my ex (really long)
I am going crazy. I have this really long sordid story that has basically been making me a basket case for some time now. Sorry its long.

My ex, C, and I were together and very much in love. We never fought, and had a very trusting relationship. I got pregnant with a baby girl and we were ecstatic. We made plans and looked forward to being a family. It was in the works for months that we would follow my mother to Texas after the baby was born and have a new start.

I got a rude awakening. When I was 6 mos pregnant my ex broke up with me, saying he needed time to think and such. I knew it was bs. I had found out the same night he had cheated on me with someone else. A girl who hadn't even graduated high school,who had known I was with him and pregnant with our child. (I am 22 and my ex is 20 btw). The next week he declared he was with her now, and I had to get over it (for all intensive purposes).

He pretty much ignored me the last 3 months of my pregnancy, his new gf feeling "uncomfortable" with us talking or being in the same room. He was with her every single day and night. I cried alot and tried to muddle through as best I could. When our daughter was born, I let him be in the delivery room-- letting him promise me that he meant to be there for our baby..

A week after giving birth, his gf went through his phone and read my txts. Promptly calling me and telling me to "back off her boyfriend". Seriously? I'm busy nursing mine and his kid right now....could you leave me alone about something that stupid...? I was pretty livid. My ex just said she shouldn't have done it, and left it alone.

5 weeks went by with the hell continuing. He was there the first week and then slowly dissapated. He wouldn't come watch the baby at my house for 5 minutes, let alone to help. I kept track of every day when we spoke at my mother's advice. Every day he either was 2 hours late picking up our newborn, 2-4 hours late bringing her home, or just didn't show up at all. Effectively screwing up my breastfeeding plans and I lived on no sleep, since I was alone. I reached my breaking point when for the hundreth time, he brought her home late-- and despite me being physically ill and throwing up-- could offer me no assitance and ran out of the house after dropping our daughter n her carseat on the floor...because his girlfriend was paging him to leave.

I bought a ticket to texas the next day. I told C that I had to up the date because I needed the help. He didn't come say goodbye to our daughter at the airport, as he was with his gf and mad at me...that hurt. I had my mother's help in taking care of my newborn. I tried for a few months to keep in contact with C, sending him pictures and telling him about our daughter. But the constant of me being the only person calling, and never getting replies or him being too busy to care killed me. In the first 3 months he never called once. I also found out that in the week I had moved... he had moved his little girlfriend into the house and room we had prepared for us to live in with the baby... that was a horrible blow.

When he hit the 6 month mark with his gf he got engaged, just this past Christmas. I had to hear it through our friends, as he didn't bother to tell me. I finally lost it with him, and told him under no uncertain terms that if he wanted to be with her that badly-- that he could walk out on me and our kid, but promise to take care of a high schooler the rest of her life (he has yet to buy our baby a diaper or a bottle) -- then he could have her but he needed to stay the hell away from me. And not to worry because I was sure someone else would step up to be a father to our daughter.

He only called twice in Jan-Feb. I didn't pick up. The end of Feb, I broke down n called him when I was freaking out about our baby throwing up sick (new mom nerves I suppose). He jumped a conversation, and he started asking me if I was still mad... how he didn't want our baby to have someone else be her dad...he was trying to he knew I couldn't believe him because we hadn't talked in a few months, but he was trying...he got a job...and said he wasn't partying anymore... blah blah blah...

He called everyday twice a day for about 5 or 6 days. Then once a day for about 2 minutes the last couple of days. He is still with the horrid girlfriend (fiance now), and I caught him lying to me about something as stupid as him "going to dinner with his family". I have been curbing my urge to tell him off and hang up on him the entire time he has been calling me the whole GIANT week he has been calling. And now...what...? He's lying about something that stupid? As if I care about what his plans for the evening are? If he's going to lie about something that little and insignificant, I feel I should be getting ready for another fallout.

What am I doing? Seriously? I want this girlfriend of his out of my life. I'm pretty certain he hasn't been the person I fell in love with for a very long time. My hope on him being the person he used to be has been gone for awhile. And while I want my daughter to know her father if she wants-- I can't live with the stress he brings me. Am I crazy? Is there an obvious answer here that I am missing that will let me keep my pride and not hurt my daughter? And not make me want to beat the living daylights out of my ex, and the homewrecker who ruined it all?

Any advice is appreciated! :confused: Just be gentle! :)

justmel30 03-05-2010 07:21 PM

Re: The stress never ends w my ex (really long)
Hmmmmm. First of all, congratulations on your new baby! Second, to begin with, his girlfriend isnt in your life. Neither is he for that matter. Let them go. I think you would be protecting your daughter, not hurting her by doing this. And you cant step forward till you get your feet out of the past. It hurts! And it's scary to do this alone. I am recently pregnant with my fourth.......very long story. But dad of baby 4 was not who he presented himself to be, and I wasnt being the best me I could be while I was waiting on him to be the best that he could be. So I decided, this was MY baby. And I am going to do this alone. Period, end of subject. Not looking for someone else, not wishing it were different with him. In the end, we are who we are, no amount of kicking or screaming or tantrum throwing is going to fix it. This guy, up until this week, has made his stand pretty clear. You can yell, cry, kick, scream........he's done. Now, after only a week, he's lying. Is that the kind of person you want in your babies life? Is that what you think will make your baby feel loved and secure at night? He isnt going to pay, you cant make him. And even with getting friend of the court involved, that doesnt mean he wont quit his job and get a cash under the table one. You can put him in jail, but what good will that do for you daughter or your pocket book? I had to look at all of this, and decided my child will be safer, and better, if I just pull my big girl panties on now, get over the loser, and decide to do this on my own, the very best way I know how without the interference or complication of my ex. I'm sure it isnt what you want to hear, but I think it would be best. Protect your daughter from the heartache of a dad who abandons her, comes back, takes off, comes back, doesnt have a job, has a job, is nice to me, ignores my calls. You are talking about serious complications for the wellfare and the emotional development of your baby.

Larrylou'smom 03-05-2010 07:46 PM

Re: The stress never ends w my ex (really long)
I agree with Justmel. I think it would be more harmful than helpful to your daughter if you kept trying to keep this bum in her life just because he donated the sperm. he obviously doesn't really want to be in her life, and only gave any kind of attempt to step up when you threatened his macho male ego with having another man come in and take his place as her dad. As coincidence would have it, a collegue of mine was just talking about this the other day. His son, the young man he considers his son, is getting married and he told the story of when he married the mother of the son the son wanted him to adopt him, but the birth father was against it, so he told the birth father, "hey, it was his idea, not mine. But tell you what. You don't want this to happen? You are X tens of thousands of dollars in arrears in child support payments. Pay it all within the next 24 hours and we won't go through with the paper work. If you won't give up parental rights, we'll take you to court to collect." Well, six hours later he called back and said "ok, go ahead and adopt him."

If your ex wants to fade from your daughter's life, I think the best thing would be to just let him. It would be much better for her in the long run than force her to have a psuedo-relationship with some guy who's there one minute and gone the next, who forgets birthdays, blows off holidays, etc. She doesn't need that and neither do you. The stress will end the minute you stop expecting him to become someone he just doesn't want to be, the minute you accept that he is marrying this girl and will do her bidding, and that includes staying away from you and his own child, and the minute you stop wishing things were different with him, and being angry over things you can't control.

digmusic 03-06-2010 03:05 PM

Re: The stress never ends w my ex (really long)
He brings out the bad in you, and that isn't good for your child. Accept being a single mother and focus all your attention where it should be, on your child. Not whether or not he's gonna call. He never will for long. He is immature at best and I don't think he deserves to be in his daughter's life.

livinon1 03-06-2010 08:02 PM

Re: The stress never ends w my ex (really long)
I appreciate the replies. And yes, I do feel the same way... I have been feeling that way for a long while now... That he would be better not in mine or my daughter's life. I guess...I guess I just didn't want to come off as a *****, or a bad person, for trying to block him from his daughter. And it sounds bad, "blocking", someone from being a parent. But its been eating at me, that if he cannot be a father full-time (or at all actually), then isn't it better that I protect her? He (and others) may see it as me being bitter, or jealous, or vindictive-- I don't know. But I don't know what else to do... that would be the best thing for my child. And me. I suppose I just wanted some kind of insight as to whether it was right for me to do so. Obviously cutting him out is something I never wanted to do, but I wonder if I would be a worse mother by letting him do the things he does instead.

I hope I'm not being cruel by choosing to cut him out?
As always thoughts are welcome and appreciated!

Larrylou'smom 03-07-2010 09:22 AM

Re: The stress never ends w my ex (really long)
Have you gone to court yet to get visistation and child support sorted out? If not, I suggest you do that. That will give you both the chance to get things down on paper. And when your daughter gets older she will know he had every opportunity to be her dad but chose not to, so she can't blame you for keeping her father away from her. Then you can have documentation of how many child support payments and visits he's missed, then you'll have a better leg to stand on should you ever want to get his parental rights severed, for example if you do meet a good man who wants to adopt her for his own down the line.

livinon1 03-07-2010 10:21 AM

Re: The stress never ends w my ex (really long)
I did file for child support back in November. Since we across the country from eachother it is considered an interstate case. As far as I know though they have yet to contact him. Its a bit stressful waiting on the legal people to get everything done.

Legally I plan to have everything in place. Its more the emotional aspects of all this that throw me.

AnnD 03-07-2010 10:28 AM

Re: The stress never ends w my ex (really long)
The stress will end but you are the one that has to end it. What you should do is use all this frustration and anger and turn it into something positive by caring for that precious little one you brought into this world. She doesn't deserve a mom who is forever begging her daddy be involved. Stop all the calls and stop taking any calls. His girlfriend/fiance didn't break you two up HE did(she had nothing to do with it) and he will probably leave her too when she gets pregnant or demands more from him. He just isn't mature enough to handle the responsibility of a being a daddy...but he does need to pay you child support so that is where you should be focusing your energy. File for child support...doesn't matter what his financial situation is ...let the state figure out how to get the money out of him. I am sorry you have to do this on your own... at least you have your mom to help you out but you have to stop contacting this guy. You can't force him to be involved. Perhaps someday when he grows up he will step up but I doubt it so at the very least you owe it to your baby to file for child support. He is full of empty promises and your baby doesn't need that in her life either. I certainly would never allow such a young baby to be going anywhere with this guy if he is can't be responsible to pick her up or return her at appropriate times. Along with child support you need to get some sort of enforcement in order that gives him specific visitation times...and not whenever the mood strikes. And no matter what you need to stop trying to get him back into your life...she doesn't deserve all this drama that you keep fueling. Just be the best mom in the world and someday mr. right will come along. Someday down the line he will probably marry someone and you owe it to your daughter to be friends with anyone he hooks up with if you are going to allow your daughter to stay with them. You need to be sure that your daughter will be safe while in both their care so you are going to have to be the responsible adult and make nice to ensure your daughter has a positive experience...but if he or they both drink to excess or do drugs then you will have to say no. Good luck.

livinon1 03-07-2010 10:34 AM

Re: The stress never ends w my ex (really long)
I agree. And I'm sorry if it sounded like I was still trying to have him in my life... I'm not. I ceased contact with him two months ago. It has been him initiating contact these past 2 weeks. Which is what made all the stress come back. I'm doing my best to put him behind me, and do right by my daughter.

Redneon82 03-07-2010 11:27 AM

Re: The stress never ends w my ex (really long)
I think what confused everyone is where you said you wanted HER (his GF) out of YOUR life...and we can't see where she's IN your it sounded like you wanted her gone so you two could get back together.

If/when he calls, I'd tell him that unless the call has to do with your daughter, he shouldn't call. And yes, pursue with the district attorney how to get child support from him. The DA will arrange to have the support taken directly from his paycheck so you aren't at the mercy of waiting until he gets around to sending it. Lots of men hate this, but many like it because they know they can't get behind on the support and there's a record.

And continue to love your precious daughter! If you give her love and security, she won't feel like she's missing out if her dad's not around. Later, when she asks questions, you can decide how to tell her that her dad chose not to be around for her, but if she's surrounded by love from you and her grandmother, she will grow up fine.

livinon1 03-08-2010 02:05 PM

Re: The stress never ends w my ex (really long)
Oh I see. No, when I said that it was more because of resentment I have. She really does not seem to care about C having a child, and she isn't a good influence at all. She says and does very stupid things. My ex continually brings her up in my face, so it does feel that she is in my life-- even if its just verbally. She influences much of what my ex does, and I don't like the person she is. I don't want my daughter to be around someone with such low morals. Something my ex insists I need to just get over and is blind to.

Anyway, yes. I plan to smother my kid with love. Haha. I just hate to think of what her reaction will be one day when she is older. I never want her to hurt, or be hurt by C. That's all.

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