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  • What is left for me in the future, ive never felt so alone than what I do right now!!

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    Old 03-15-2010, 04:16 AM   #1
    alanmcm
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    What is left for me in the future, ive never felt so alone than what I do right now!!

    Hi,
    Thanks for taking the time to read my story and sending me replies. I have just recently (14/03/10) split with my partner of nearly 10 years and I was to blame for this. Im not after sympathy I just have no idea what to do from here. When we first met I was a really shy person around girls and hadnt much experience of dating at all. We attended the same school but never seen each other about school, but after I had left school we started to hang around with each other. I never took any notice of Lisa at all or any girls for that matter but we got on really well and were friends, not close friends but we enjoyed each others company. I think the reason I never noticed girls was because I smoked weed quite heavily at this stage and didnt really care about anything. This lasted for about a year or so as friends before I received a phone call from her best friend and a close friend of mine Gemma. She knew that Lisa really liked me so she took it upon herself to ask me out with her. I panicked and said no at the start as I was scared of the prospect of dating and didnt know what to do, but after a few minutes I said yes. This is to date the best decision of my life.

    As I smoked weed this was expensive and I didnt have a job and so me and another friend Marc stole things to pay for it. We eventually got caught after some one was injured quite badly, by the police and were brought to court for this. While I was out on bail, I was hated by alot of people for what Marc and I had done, I was walking into the park where we hung around and there was a group of fellas there that didnt like me. I never realised they where there and when I did it was too late, id been knocked unconscious and had the head kicked off me before they poured beer over my head to bring me round. Once I was up I ran for home but didnt make it and was taken to hospital by ambulance. My friend Gemma came up with me to hospital. I was scared to come out of the house for a few months after this and when I did I went back to the park again and a different set of people who didnt like me started on me, this is when Lisa stood up for me in front of her friends and told them to leave me alone. They wouldnt so I ran away, and behind me was Lisa, who took off her boots and was running through muck in her socks after me. The significance of this is the fact that this all happened before the phone call from Gemma and we where together at the time, yet she wanted me no matter what and would do anything for me and stand by me. When we started dating it was brilliant id never been happier it was the best feeling in the world.

    After a few months after we met my wee sister died of pneumonia she was disabled and was only 15 at the time. This was a strange time in my life as I was close with my sister for years until my brother was born, then it sortof disappeared. I never grieved properly over my loss or did it seem to affect my life (this sounds awful but trying to be honest). Exactly one month later I was in court and I had met Lisa at 6am that morning to spend as much time with her as possible as I knew I was going to jail. We went to court where I received a custodial sentence of 12 months in prison and 3 years probation. I was devastated and told Lisa to move on, but she refused and came up every week to visit me.

    When I was released me and lisa got on brilliant again and then after about a year or so later our first daughter Abigale was born. Id never planned this and didnt know what to expect but Lisa really wanted a family with me. This is where things dis-solved, a few months after her birth Lisa suffered from PND and I was taking steriods as I was going to the gym. I ended up with mood swings and my head was all over the place I just didnt know what I was doing. So when another girl showed interest in me I left Lisa for her. I was out of control at the time and was drink driving and then messing with Lisas head by telling my daughter id found a new mum for her, I was a really horrible person. This lasted for a few weeks or so, then one morning I came down to Lisas house for a shower and she was sitting there spaced out. It was a few hours later before I was told she had taken an overdose, with our daughter sitting there. I dont blame her for this, I blame myself for being so horrible. I went to the hospital to see her and then after a few weeks we got back together.

    I used Lisa as I knew I could do anything I wanted and she would never leave me, I took her for granted most of the time. We carried on with the relationship and our 2nd daughter Amy was born, again I never planned any of our children but Lisa did. I think this was to try and bring us closer together. Again PND set in, and it didn't help me being nasty to her. I wasn't always nasty to her, but during these years I was.

    Less than a year later our son Kristian was born. When this happened I was in trouble again for driving offenses such as no insurance etc. I was up in court the day after we moved house together and was put away for 6 months. Lisa found this very hard, coupled with child birth moving house and losing me she went off the rails and couldnt cope with things. She had cheated on me with someone I thought was good and was going to be nice to her, but he got inside her head and well it happened. It only happened the once and Lisa told me it was the worst thing in the world that she had done. I blame myself again for this, for not being supportive and not being there at all for her when she needed me the most.

    When I was out I was a changed person and was really nice to Lisa for a few months, then the thought of her with some one else took over, plus the fact I seen this person on the odd occasion made it harder. I turned nasty and was hurtful to her and treated her like crap. She tried making it up to me but nothing worked and we just continued on together and stuck at it hoping I would change, but for 2 years or so afterwards nothing changed.

    She eventually got fed up and tried to break up with me, I took an overdose and she felt guilty so got back with me. This is when I changed, I fell back in love head over heels in love with her but it was too late she was tired of trying and I dont blame her at all. She then stuck it out for another few months until I messed up again, I went to a party where there was a girl there she knew. Nothing happened but i had her and her friend in my car going to get drink, which Lisa didnt like. She couldnt understand why they where in my car at all, as she knows the girl is a slapper. I lied and said it never happened but was brought down to the house and exposed. Lisa stayed with me again for a another month after I pleaded with her not to leave me. After the month she ended it and said she needed space, I didnt do anything silly or beg her I respected her decision but always had hope of getting back together. We were apart for 2 months, even though I was down every night seeing her and the kids.

    She was taken into hospital with chest pains, as a reult of her asthma. Lisa was in all week and I took the time off work to look after her and keep her company all that week. We got back together while she was in hospital and agreed to make 1 final go of things, but she told me not to expect her to go back to the way she was before, it would never happen. I didnt believe her and thought I could change her mind. I was the perfect other half for the next 8 months, I never argued with her, gave her everything I could. I bought her clothes, a new car, new stuff for the house, and took her away to a concert. I even booked a dream holiday to Rome for the both of us for our 10 year anniversary in June this year. I told her often how much I loved her how beautiful she was and I was obsessed with her and madly in love with her.

    However over the last 4 months we never had sex if she was sober and had only slept together 4 times during this time. It bothered me but I didnt moan too much about this, as long as we where together I didnt care. The two of us got on brilliantly but then over the last week id noticed she was being distant so I text her on Friday and asked if there was anything wrong and she told me she was fed up with everything, and was tired. She then went out after work with friends and she text me saying it wasnt me and it was her and she would be ok. That evening she text again and aksed me to bring her money and a coat in to her as she was staying out for a while, which I did. I very rarely refused to do anything for her as I was trying to make amends for the past. She came home after 2am that night, I waited up on her and we enjoyed each others company. The next morning I started talking to her I said I thought she was using me, id been doing everything for her but nothing seemed to get through to her, she seemed heartless. Then she said well I think you owe it to me for the past, she was angry at the time because of me saying she was using me and didnt mean it. I then brought up the lack of sex and she said that sex had never been important to her at all, which I understood and didnt dwell on. From this discussion it led to the inevitable question, Do you still want a relationship?? She said no!! I was in denial and couldnt come to terms with it. I asked her if she wanted me to move out and she wouldnt said yes or no. I didnt want to move out because I didnt want to give up on her because she never gave up on me so I tried to stick it out and hope things would disappear and we would be happy again. Lisa hadnt been happy for a while, I wasnt happy either but I didnt care because if I was with her and the kids I wouldnt be as miserable as if I was on my own. Then on Sunday I talked to her and she asked me if my dad would put a wooden floor down in the house, I said I doubt he would do it if I wasnt living here, she replied very sharply well youre still here arnt you!! This is when I knew I needed to be a man and move out myself and stop being selfish.

    Lisa is the most wonderful person in the world and I have made her the way she is today. If only we had met a few years later when we had grown up abit first, we might still be together for the rest of our lives. I am heartbroken as I realized too late that Lisa is the one for me and will always be the one for me and there's absolutely nothing I can do to change the fact we arnt together anymore. Im living back at my mums again, as I cant afford a place of my own, which is going to kill me as I cannot take my kids over night at my mums as there isnt enough room. I adore my children and have been amazing with them, I take them loads of different places all the time and they are my life. She text me yesterday and asked about being friends, which I agreed to but I desperately want her back, but I do know that ive done everything possible for her over the last 6 months and that theres nothing left for me to do to get her back now. Also with the Rome trip coming up, she still wants to go with me and just be friends. I dont know if this is her being selfish or me just being paranoid but I thought this was a bad idea, I didnt say this to her as I see this as a glimmer of hope for us, but think that I might be wasting my energy. I love her more than anything in this world but have to face facts that its over now, I have no idea what to do and really want her back, but ive left it too long to start being the man she always wanted. Im in agony and ive only myself to blame, im such a horrible horrible person.


    Thanks Alan


    Sorry its so long winded but think I needed everything out in the open. PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE ME A COMMENT IM IN A DARK PLACE AT THE MINUTE AND NEED WORDS OF ADVICE, IVE NEVER KNOWN ANYTHING APART FROM ME AND LISA.

    Last edited by alanmcm; 03-15-2010 at 06:02 AM. Reason: LEFT OUT STUFF

     
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    Old 03-15-2010, 06:49 AM   #2
    rosequartz
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    Re: What is left for me in the future, ive never felt so alone than what I do right n

    wow yes that was long......there's a lot of manipulation in this relationship from both sides.....and sometimes things just can't be fixed.....
    actions have consequences. Even if she would give you a chance, something has died in this relationship. It will never be the same, there is too much resentment on both sides. It just won't work. In order for it to not be a total waste, please take these lessons you've learned and put them to good use in your NEXT relationship.....this one is dead.

     
    Old 03-15-2010, 10:40 AM   #3
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    Re: What is left for me in the future, ive never felt so alone than what I do right n

    Your children are your future, put your focus there for now. I think that it is best if you let this go forever.

     
    Old 03-15-2010, 11:04 AM   #4
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    Re: What is left for me in the future, ive never felt so alone than what I do right n

    I'm sorry, your story is pretty sad, for all of you. But breakups and broken hearts do heal, only with time.
    There is a lot in your post that shows how disfunctional you both are with each other. Cheating, drugs, alcohol, broken trust. I'm not judging you or anything. It is what it is...a realtionship with a lot of history of struggle and turbulance.
    Although you are not innocent in all of your actions, it is at least good to see that you recognize your part in the problems. At the very least you know that you have issues that you have to address within yourself. With or without her, you have problem to face and get healthy. Have you considered counseling?
    It is a great thing that you love your children. Keep working on yourself to become a great man and father. That will be your greatest reward and the best for your kids.
    I wish could say you have a change with Lisa. But there is way too much water under that bridge to be optimistic. She needs counseling too, so she can understand herself.

    My best wishes to you that you and your family will get through this and live happier and healthier!

     
    Old 03-15-2010, 11:37 AM   #5
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    Re: What is left for me in the future, ive never felt so alone than what I do right n

    You have three children who need you, and need for you to be strong, and in charge of your life.

    It sounds like you have had numerous chances, and she has too. I would use this time to focus on overcoming whatever issues are plaguing you. Are you free of the drugs/alcohol? If not, that would be a good place to start. Are you free of the criminal life? Are you working? If any of these issues are still in your life, it is time to cut them out. Time to clean out the old, to prepare for the new.

    I wish you well..

     
    Old 03-15-2010, 03:50 PM   #6
    alanmcm
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    Re: What is left for me in the future, ive never felt so alone than what I do right n

    Thanks for replying everyone, I am free of all drugs and have been for the last two years or so now. I very rarely drink and it wasnt much of an issue for me at all. Ive been employed consistently for most of my working life and have also put to an end any criminality. I love my children more than anything in the world and love being around them, which makes it harder not seeing them all the time as I dont have the space at my parents house and dont have the funds to survive alone. I really wish that it wouldve worked between the two of us but as I said I think I left it too long to start being the man she wanted.

    No idea what im going to do about Rome!!!!

     
    Old 03-15-2010, 03:53 PM   #7
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    Re: What is left for me in the future, ive never felt so alone than what I do right n

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    wow yes that was long......there's a lot of manipulation in this relationship from both sides.....and sometimes things just can't be fixed.....
    actions have consequences. Even if she would give you a chance, something has died in this relationship. It will never be the same, there is too much resentment on both sides. It just won't work. In order for it to not be a total waste, please take these lessons you've learned and put them to good use in your NEXT relationship.....this one is dead.
    thanks for the reply, maybe im reading too much into it but why on earth does she still want to go to Rome with me?? Probably a stupid question, why would anyone pass up a free holiday. But I dont understand her reasoning behind this, im scared to ask incase she decides against going, I think ive got too much false hope in me that im going to get hurt again.

     
    Old 03-15-2010, 09:39 PM   #8
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    Re: What is left for me in the future, ive never felt so alone than what I do right n

    Good to hear you have made so many strides in your personal life..no drugs, no crime, etc.

    The Rome trip seems like a moot issue. I would put that money toward getting yourself a place you can have your children with you...That is most important here.

     
    Old 03-16-2010, 12:52 AM   #9
    alanmcm
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    Re: What is left for me in the future, ive never felt so alone than what I do right n

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by writeleft View Post
    Good to hear you have made so many strides in your personal life..no drugs, no crime, etc.

    The Rome trip seems like a moot issue. I would put that money toward getting yourself a place you can have your children with you...That is most important here.

    I booked the holiday 3 weeks ago as a ten year anniversary present for the two of us and so cannot get a refund as it is a package holiday. I mentioned it being awkward, but she said that we can still be friends and go together, im having doubts as I think this will set me further back. But on the other hand I wont say anything purely because im selfish and think that we may be back together if we go!! Im at a loss as to what to do, ive never been on my own before and it scares the hell out of me.

    Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to me, it really helps having an outside perspective.

     
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