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    Old 03-18-2010, 03:28 PM   #16
    meg4
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
    I don't recommend checking his phone. That would be a great way to really get him upset and have something to complain to Dawn about!

    What about plain, old fashioned talking to him in person? After 3 years, you shouldn't be afraid to ask him straight out. If you are afraid, why?
    The reason I am afraid is because I've battled insecurity issues frequently, and have literally broken down and cried before in front of him, over suspisions I never confirm. I bring things up, but he adamantly denies he would ever cheat on me. I put my foot down about the one girl from a few years ago, and he fully understands why. So I fear he will see this as controlling him more or yet another bout of insecurity. Its hard to feel confidant about approaching him on these matters when I battle insecurity that sometimes play with my mind. I know I have over reacted to things in the past so I don't want him to roll his eyes and get tired of my insecurity. Even though honestly I think I'm justified on this.

    Last edited by meg4; 03-18-2010 at 03:29 PM.

     
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    Old 03-19-2010, 02:53 AM   #17
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    meg,
    every woman has been in your shoes at one point.
    when you bring it up to him, he validates it, apologizes, makes some disparaging remarks about pathetic dawn, then does the bare minimum to keep you happy.
    except you're not happy.
    and you mistake the constant insecurity that stems from your relationship for personal insecurity, further undermining your attempts to communicate.
    it must be very frustrating for your man to tell you you're being heard and then completely disregard your concerns, when your concerns are for the relationship.
    first, him coming to you about his boss getting on him about his carrying on with dawn are 100% his covering his lying butt. no boss cares about 15 min's a week. he just wants to get his side of the story in first before you hear the real story. who knows what's going on there. if it's like any other workplace their computers might be monitored, they could be emailing each other and hanging out all day.
    also maybe he's not cheating maybe he just needs to feel like a big guy surrounded by females who adore him. guys like that can sniff out desperate ladies anywhere. it's pathetic. and it's a losing situation for you because you'll never have his full attention. even if dawn gets hit by a bus tomorrow, there will always be some sad female who needs his chatter, you can bet he'll see to that.
    ok so i take it ya'll have no kids?

     
    Old 03-19-2010, 05:35 AM   #18
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    You will be fine ***hugs***

    Trust me, he has absolutely NO RIGHT to roll his eyes at you, let alone be mad! He is THE ONE putting you thru this. I agree with nobody, I believe he brought that to your attention - aboutt he boss calling him in the office - as a means to cover his butt. Its better to tell you NOW and get it over it as opposed to you finding out somehow thru somebody else!

    There are men that love damsels in distress. 4 years ago, when I first started working at my job. There was a 24 year old gal working here. Her and my boss were having an affair to say the least. My boss is married with 3 kids. I have met his wife on numeous occassions and she sounds like your happy housewife consumed with the responsilities that come with being a stay at home. We are close in the office just because there is not lot of us there so from what I gathered his wife is a great mom but is not such a great wife, meaning he does not get that one on one time with her because her life completely centers around their three kids. Well my ex coworker - holy cow - had D.R.A.M.A everyday. It was like watching a soap opera. Her mom was obese and made her feel like crap, she was always broke, some guy dumped her, somebody in her family was fighting, she fell out with her bestfriend, she wants to stop her coccaine habit. Yep, she was messing with coccaine and he still kept her - duh, for obvious reasons. Well my boss absolutely thrived off that drama. I soon realized that he just wants to feel needed and important to someone. He basically can rescue this girl (and he did with his money) and just be her knight and shining armor.

    From what you are saying he sounds like the type. Now I am not saying life with you is boring. But some men want that because it makes them feel special. You are right, I dont want MY MAN to be the knight and shining armor of ANOTHER WOMAN! I would tell him, he has a bad habit. Address how he was doing the same thing in the past with that girl! Its not like this is first time around, its his second. That probably explains why he feels the need to explain to you that he is talking to her and its just platonic... blah blah blah... he wants to go on ahead and "reassure" you that its all harmless. Also, to cover his butt again. If he never told you abut Dawn, and you find out thru somebody else, it makes him look VERY BAD. It definitely looks like he is doing something he is not supposed to. Atleast if he is open, its not a big deal since you already know that they simply have a "platonic relationship"

    AGAIN. I AM NOT SAYING HE IS CHEATING ON YOU. No ma'am. All I'm saying is he is being very INCONSIDERATE and he needs to know that he has a BAD BAD HABIT, that he must break.... that is if he wants to keep you in his life. Dont be afraid to stand up! Nobody else will but you! He is taking advantage of your kindness and playing you for a fool

    Please do not be afraid. This man has now created DRAMA with you. He has created tension, insecurities and doubts. He should be more concerned about how you feel!!! His feelings SHOULD BE THE LAST THING ON YOUR MIND.


    Let us know how it went!

     
    Old 03-19-2010, 06:12 AM   #19
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    I keep thinking about how that Dawn girl always makes it a point to say something about how she just saw him. I think that's very strange too and it's maybe her way of saying to you "I was just with your man NANANANA!" I mean I can't think of any occasion that when I went to see my husband at work that someone always made it a point to say something like this? I find it baffling and suspicious.
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    Old 03-19-2010, 08:03 AM   #20
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    Lightbulb Re: Is this a red flag?

    Mmh Been there !
    My boyfriend did the same and used to have a couple of these complicated/troubled woman around, who demanded his attention non stop. When I found out, he said he was just helping, that he felt good and boost his ego to help and give advice, blah, blah... and that he loved me cuz I was not like that, etc. So I tried to be "cool" but I really couldn't, because I thought the same thing you mention, if he needs these kind of girls what am I doing here.
    I was very upset; a week after trying to be cool-girlfriend I sat down with him and directly told him that I was not comfortable with that, for me sex conversations were intimate and what they were doing was more like mental masturbation and I couldn't role with that, so I asked him to explain me his point of view.
    I asked who were this girls (pseudo intellectuals) and let him talk and talk.
    At the end he realized why I felt disrespected and admitted he wouldn't like I did the same with other men. And he cut the links with them...
    I think talking helped him reflect and I was able to understand his (and the girls) actions. He understood it was not jealousy or being possessive, but a breach in our intimacy and relation. Even if he has low self-esteem, that doesn't justifies creating complicity with other woman.

    You have a strong bonds so I am confident that you can work this out if you talk straight. If you didn't express how you really felt when you first found out about the sex conversations, you can tell him now, I literally told him "I was trying to be cool but I am sorry, I have been very upset about the sex talks..." and as he speaks maybe you will know if he just liked the flattery this woman gave him, if his job is boring so he is killing time, or he just likes the flirting thing. The fact others call attention on him spending so much time should help him realize he needs to put a limit.

    And once you agree on something, plan a little break off the routine and drop the subject, don't bring her name back again unless he does.

    As for the woman, I find weird she comes and says she just saw him, and well what to do with her, depends on your personality (I will probably ignore her and giver her an ironic smile next time she says that!), you can just keep things like now professional and keep your distance.

    I hope it helps and good luck!


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by meg4 View Post
    And another thing. I just realized how drawn to drama my boyfriend is. The previous girl (who I put my foot down with early in our relatiionship) was always full of drama. So is Dawn. Maybe I'm just normal and calm and functional, and he needs "broken women" in his life to feel valued.

    Ugh. I feel sick

     
    Old 03-19-2010, 09:16 AM   #21
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by nobodyknows View Post
    meg,
    every woman has been in your shoes at one point.
    when you bring it up to him, he validates it, apologizes, makes some disparaging remarks about pathetic dawn, then does the bare minimum to keep you happy.
    except you're not happy.
    and you mistake the constant insecurity that stems from your relationship for personal insecurity, further undermining your attempts to communicate.
    it must be very frustrating for your man to tell you you're being heard and then completely disregard your concerns, when your concerns are for the relationship.
    first, him coming to you about his boss getting on him about his carrying on with dawn are 100% his covering his lying butt. no boss cares about 15 min's a week. he just wants to get his side of the story in first before you hear the real story. who knows what's going on there. if it's like any other workplace their computers might be monitored, they could be emailing each other and hanging out all day.
    also maybe he's not cheating maybe he just needs to feel like a big guy surrounded by females who adore him. guys like that can sniff out desperate ladies anywhere. it's pathetic. and it's a losing situation for you because you'll never have his full attention. even if dawn gets hit by a bus tomorrow, there will always be some sad female who needs his chatter, you can bet he'll see to that.
    ok so i take it ya'll have no kids?
    Nobodyknows- you are right. I really don't think I have heard the whole story. This has to come out entirley. I need to know the extent of their "friendships"..its killing me knowing. I agree also that he was probably covering his buttocks by telling me anything at all. I just really doubt it was tuly only 15 minutes a week. Who would complain about that?
    And as sad as it is, I knew he had this "knight in shining armour" complex long ago. I just niavely believe him when he said he was "done with drama" and that he was drawn to my coolness, my down to earht spirit. He actually WAS drawn to my solid nature...it was a relief to him to have someone down to earth and stable in his life! But....now I am thinking that he needs drama again, because he is bored with my solidness. Now he is CREATING drama... by sniffing out the damsels in distress that make him feel important, somehow he knows this creates drama between the two of US. And you know, I'm just too grown up and beyond that kind of crap. I desire a relationship that can flourish and be passionate without drama as the fuel.
    Thanks for your words. Again I'm feeling validated.

     
    Old 03-19-2010, 09:23 AM   #22
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Idris View Post
    You will be fine ***hugs***

    All I'm saying is he is being very INCONSIDERATE and he needs to know that he has a BAD BAD HABIT, that he must break.... that is if he wants to keep you in his life. Dont be afraid to stand up! Nobody else will but you! He is taking advantage of your kindness and playing you for a fool

    Please do not be afraid. This man has now created DRAMA with you. He has created tension, insecurities and doubts. He should be more concerned about how you feel!!! His feelings SHOULD BE THE LAST THING ON YOUR MIND.


    Let us know how it went!
    Thanks, Idris. I agree that this is a very bad habit. I need to get that accross to him. We didnt have a chance to talk last night because my daughter was there. But he know I want to talk and we will today.
    I thought about this last night. He was being cold and acting all bothered ever since I called him yesterday to say we need to talk. He didn't even say good bye or kiss me this morning before he left for work which is a first, ever. To be honest I don't know of this kind of habit is one I will accept or live with. It will hurt like heck, but if he doesn't see a need to change then I will have no choice but to start looking for another place to live.
    I will let you know the outcome. The support and advice has been awesome, thank you so much.

     
    Old 03-19-2010, 09:27 AM   #23
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    Good for you!

    I read your post and I got to thinking I have friends that claim they are tired of drama and would like to have some normalcy in their lives... however, they date/attract individuals that have nothing but drama. Honestly, I think you get so used to the drama that it becomes a part of your lifestyle. Seriously tho, my friends complain but they THRIVE OFF of it. It gives them something to do and something to talk about. I know of a girl who has two chidren from two different men. She is talking them to court, filing for child support, dropping the charges, then putting them back on, paternity tests etc. It just goes on and on. She CAN live a normal life but she chooses to take herself thru all of this. She honestly has nothing better to do. Every time I see her and she asks how I'm doing... I talk about work, school and my family. Yet with her... its a long drawn out crazy roller coaster ride... something you would see on the J. Springer show.

     
    Old 03-19-2010, 09:34 AM   #24
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by BeaTrade View Post
    I keep thinking about how that Dawn girl always makes it a point to say something about how she just saw him. I think that's very strange too and it's maybe her way of saying to you "I was just with your man NANANANA!" I mean I can't think of any occasion that when I went to see my husband at work that someone always made it a point to say something like this? I find it baffling and suspicious.
    I wonder the same thing. Either she is just being friendly, or she is trying to make a point that sees my boyfriend on a regular basis. Either way, I'm keeping my distance. Unless I find out definitely there has been something going on...in which case Dawn will be very sorry next time she walk by and says something. I'll come unglued.

     
    Old 03-19-2010, 09:44 AM   #25
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by meg4 View Post
    EagleRiverDee-
    Thanks for the positive spin on things. May I ask if you confronted your guy and how did he explain? Did he feel justified?
    You are right that he loves me. That I know, however I'm just not OK with his need to go "fix" these women and have them lean on him. What if it is just who he is? (the kind to needs to feel needed by more than his girlfriend)? I will have to accept that or move on.
    Well- it started out that I had a "bad feeling" and suspected there was another woman he was interested in. I pegged the wrong woman, however, and he showed me his email to prove nothing was going on. Then he showed me emails to this other woman, where they had completely inappropriate discussions about their sex lives and he never once mentioned my existence. She clearly thought he was available and it was also clear she was seeing if he was interested in dating her. I pretty much blew up when I saw those. His only saving grace was he showed them to me himself. Initially he didn't agree he'd done anything wrong, but since he has admitted he was out of line not only with me but with her as well. I never blamed her, because as soon as she found out I existed she cut all ties with him. But it has really affected my trust.

    I do see some positives in your situation mostly because she clearly knows about you, she is willing to say things that indicate she knows you're in a relationship with him, she doesn't avoid you, and he admits that he talks to her. There seems to be some transparency, at least.

    I guess the biggest red flag I see is that he was reported by another co-worker. If it really is 15 minutes a week, I'd have to wonder what the co-worker is so upset about. So either there is more going on than there appears, or the co-worker has a jealousy issue or an ax to grind.

    In any case, I agree with the others that your guy has no right to roll his eyes at you or to treat you with any disrespect over this issue. You have every right to question things to make sure he is being true to you.

     
    Old 03-19-2010, 09:52 AM   #26
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    Tapatia-
    Thank you for that post. Your boyfriend sounds like he has the same issues...the need to sniff out the drama queens to feel something inside or to make their egos feel satisfied. The more I think about it the more I find myself upset, this may be who he is, and I may never be able to break though that. It sounds like the way you handled it worked...and your boyfriend really understood you. This has happened with us once before with another girl and it took a lot out of me to move forward. I trusted he was done with that need. Apparently not.

    You make a good point about making this not be about jealousy or possesiveness, but about intimacy that should stay within our relationship. The sentence you said that sticks out (and I will probably say it to him word for word is that even if he has esteem issues, that doesn't justify creating complicity with other women.
    Agreed!!!!

    This has been extremely helpful, all of these posts.

    As a side note, I had called him yesterday to give him the heads up we need to talk. I said I wasnt angry, but that I had come to a realization about somethings and had some observations to discuss. I tried to be as unthreatneing as I could so he wouldnt get that feeling he was in for a beat down style talk. When he came home I was pleasant. But we didnt have time to talk because my daughter was there and needed help with homework and it got very late. He wanst feeling very well anyway and at 11pm we just went to bed. He didnt say much of anything to me, no good night kiss, no cuddle, no nothing.
    I got up and showered this morning, and he got up and got ready for work. He didnt say one freaking word to me this morning. He left the house without a kiss or even a "see you later". Nothing. Which is very wierd. In the past even if we had something on the table we were going to discuss, we are at least cordial to each other .

    Oh and one more thing. The news was on and a segment about Sandra Bullock came on, how her husband cheated on her and it all came out yesterday. My boyfriend said, very sarcasticlly to me "so, I guess she should just DUMP him...right??" He said it in an angry tone as if Sandra was the bad one on this?? As of women are SOOO cold because they call their men out on cheating. ***??

    Anyway. My plan is to call him and get out of the house this evening to discuss. I will tak all the advice with me, and I will state my peace in a non threating, honest way.

    Thank you to everyone here. Your help has been incredible. I will be back to update.

     
    Old 03-19-2010, 09:55 AM   #27
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by nobodyknows View Post
    meg,
    ok so i take it ya'll have no kids?
    I forgot to answer this.
    I have a daughter who is almost 13. It would suck to have to leave this relationship knowing my daughter would have to move again and things would be tough for awhile, but, I will do what ever turns out to best.

     
    Old 03-19-2010, 09:56 AM   #28
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    He is not stupid. He knows whats up and I think he is being super defensive, which is really retarded and immature. The sooner you talk to him, the better. Dont you let him have an attitude with you - make sure to remind him that YOU DID NOT CREATE THIS. He did so he can chill with the attitude.

     
    Old 03-19-2010, 09:59 AM   #29
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by meg4 View Post
    .

    Oh and one more thing. The news was on and a segment about Sandra Bullock came on, how her husband cheated on her and it all came out yesterday. My boyfriend said, very sarcasticlly to me "so, I guess she should just DUMP him...right??" He said it in an angry tone as if Sandra was the bad one on this?? As of women are SOOO cold because they call their men out on cheating. ***??
    I sure HOPE you answered back that YES she SHOULD just dump him......

     
    Old 03-19-2010, 02:38 PM   #30
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    wow!
    meg, your bf sure is passive-aggressive!
    he can't discuss the situation with you in an upfront manner but he can bite your head off b/c sandra bullock's bf cheated on her? how is that your problem to answer to?

    sounds like he knows he can't defend HIS behavior so he's just going to 1.avoid you & 2.throw you off balance by taking jabs at you.

     
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