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    Old 03-20-2010, 07:42 AM   #31
    justmel30
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    The problem with all of this preplanning of confrontation is that rarely does it go the way we preplan it to in our minds. You can have this wonderful bevy of very insightful questions that in your mind, he will have no answere to, be left speechless, and confirm your correctness. However, the reality of it is most often something completely the oposite. I first of all would not recommend snooping through his phone or text msg's. I believe in that gut intuition and if it's telling you that something more is there, then probably there is. I get a bad vibe from her more then him. My guess is he isn't going anywhere over an office crush. And lets face it, even when we are completely happy with someone, even if we've been married for a hundred years, every once in a while, somebody new or exciting comes around and we develop a very childish crush. But i think he is crossing some lines. You should at least tell him you dont appreciate him talking about you to her. He needs to leave you, or anything personal between the two of you, out of it. And I dont know that I trust her at all. All of this, I just seen your sweety, what a bunch of b.s. I think she's doing it on purpose, just to get to you, and let you know that she IS there. And I think she is being overly friendly so it doesn't come off as too blatent. And I think that rather then attacking at him for taking a look, I would challenge her. I would tell him that you dont trust her, she just gives you a bad vibe, and you would appreciate it if he could keep her out of your hair. Then, I would get really busy away from him. Let him know you have your own life. He doesnt get to have his cake and eat it too. If he wants the adoring girlfriend who is allways there, then he needs to deserve it. If he cant jump on board and make up his mind as to which way he wants to go, then I would say, although he probably wouldn't cheat "technically", he isn't man enough to stay faithful "mentally", and that just isn't enough man for you. Good luck to you sweety.
    Melissa

    Last edited by justmel30; 03-20-2010 at 07:45 AM.

     
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    Old 03-22-2010, 01:12 PM   #32
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    UPDATE:

    You all were so thoughtful and insigtful, I thought I better get back here with the update.

    Friday I asked of we could go out, have a couple of drinks and chat. He said yes but that a game he wanted to watch came on at 6:30. He suggested we go to a restaurant that has the game on, watch the game, then discuss. I said fine. I figured it would be good to break the ice with some light hearted dtuff first anyway. When the game was over we moved from the bar to a booth where we could talk. Apparently, he was braced for the worst because he already had responses/defenses lines up .

    I said told him my theory of his needing to rescue "drama" type women. He laughed that off, denied it, and said that I am drama enough for him. I don't think I'm drama but whatever, he denies his friendships are for drama reasons.

    I said I can't believe the boss would have issue over only 15 minutes a week with this woman. This is where he got very upset and said he was so dissapointed that I don't believe him. He swears it is 15 minutes approx each week, and they they only talk about kids and family at the most. He was so mad at me for accusing him of having intentions that he doesn't have. Because at one point, yeah, it may have been the cocktails I had that wound me up a little, I said that I felt he was looking for more excitement beyond me, maybe I was becoming boring and didn't feed his need to be needed ego enough anymore.

    He DID admit that the initial sex talk was wrong and he shouldnt have ever gone there. He said it was an ego thing, and it didnt mean he was trying to sleep with her. He just got some ego boost out of boasting a bit. He said he never says anything anymore.

    I got mad, and said I wanted an appology for that to have ever happened in the forst place. He said he'd appologize when he was ready but that I he wouldnt let me force one out of him. I slammed my hand down on the restaurant table and said (way too loudly) "I want a f****** appology!"
    He responded by saiy "Well youre not going to get one here" and slammed HIS hand down. We both stormed out of there. Walked to the car in silence. In the car I told him that I think he assumes that I would never leave him. He assume I need him too much so he can just act however he wants and thinks I wont leave. I told him he was dead wrong. I said if he can't even appoligize for something he ADMITS is wrong, then I dont know where this relationship is going and I sure as heck would consider moving out. HE said he couldnt believe I would let this break us up.

    We got home and he took a walk without me. He got back and we talked more calmly. I brought up the issues, again without all the screaming or drama. He said he was begining to see that his worlds to woman have come accross as inappropriate, even though he says he never meant any of it to be a come on. He ended up appologizing to me. The rest of the night was still a bit uneasy but we got through it. Saturday we were much better, and seemed to have gotten over the hump.

    Sunday he told me (sincerely) he was sorry I was hurt. He said he loves me now more than ever. He appologized for being an A**. However he did ask me to NOT get that upset in a public place again. I agreed.

    End result is he will not talk sexual to other women, even is he is joking. I will not lose it in a public place and I will try to explain my case to him without pushing his buttons.

    Thanks for listening! We are a work in progress but both feel our relationship has more worth than to break up over this.

     
    Old 03-22-2010, 01:23 PM   #33
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    good for you!
    I'm so glad you stood your ground, and I believe you are/were right.....he never thought you'd have the guts to leave him......and you showed him you're not playing! Seems that he took you seriously and is willing to give you the respect you deserve.

     
    Old 03-22-2010, 02:32 PM   #34
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    Thanks, Rosequartz. Yeah, it took some pretty bold statements to get through his head, but it seems like a breakthrough. At the very least, he now knows what the boundaries are, regardless of however harmless the words are to him.

    I'll have to ear a disguise next time I want to go to that restaurant though LOL! I can't imagine what the staff was thinking. At least I didn't throw the silverware at him :-)

     
    Old 03-22-2010, 02:41 PM   #35
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    haha.....I bet he thought by going out in public, he'd avoid a "scene"....LOL
    again.....you showed him!!!
    yeah I'd probably avoid that restaraunt for a while....

     
    Old 03-22-2010, 02:43 PM   #36
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by justmel30 View Post
    The problem with all of this preplanning of confrontation is that rarely does it go the way we preplan it to in our minds. You can have this wonderful bevy of very insightful questions that in your mind, he will have no answere to, be left speechless, and confirm your correctness. However, the reality of it is most often something completely the oposite. I first of all would not recommend snooping through his phone or text msg's. I believe in that gut intuition and if it's telling you that something more is there, then probably there is. I get a bad vibe from her more then him. My guess is he isn't going anywhere over an office crush. And lets face it, even when we are completely happy with someone, even if we've been married for a hundred years, every once in a while, somebody new or exciting comes around and we develop a very childish crush. But i think he is crossing some lines. You should at least tell him you dont appreciate him talking about you to her. He needs to leave you, or anything personal between the two of you, out of it. And I dont know that I trust her at all. All of this, I just seen your sweety, what a bunch of b.s. I think she's doing it on purpose, just to get to you, and let you know that she IS there. And I think she is being overly friendly so it doesn't come off as too blatent. And I think that rather then attacking at him for taking a look, I would challenge her. I would tell him that you dont trust her, she just gives you a bad vibe, and you would appreciate it if he could keep her out of your hair. Then, I would get really busy away from him. Let him know you have your own life. He doesnt get to have his cake and eat it too. If he wants the adoring girlfriend who is allways there, then he needs to deserve it. If he cant jump on board and make up his mind as to which way he wants to go, then I would say, although he probably wouldn't cheat "technically", he isn't man enough to stay faithful "mentally", and that just isn't enough man for you. Good luck to you sweety.
    Melissa

    Very good points, Melissa.
    I kinda wish I this post before I confronted him.. We did both agree that SHE is somewhat of a busy-body. Apparently, my boyfriend is not the only one who has been talked to. My boyfriend says that she is becoming too much of a social butterfly and others are being warned to not interact with her so much. My boyfriend also was upset that every time she sees me she makes a point of telling me she just saw him. He thinks now she is stirring up trouble and he is wondering if he can even trust her. But, he did say that he would not end his friendship with her. He said he's able to keep things platonic so he won't end his friendship.
    I also told him that his behavior at home lately has been the same kind of distant that he was back when the same situation happened with another girl a couple years ago. Like he gets sucked up in thier lives and therefor gets distant with me. I told him next time I won't wait for him to snap out of it and to realize it. I'll have a foot out the door while he plays hero to them and disengages with me. I know, sounds like I was quite the bee-otch in our conversation but I had a lot to get accross.
    Thanks for your words!!

     
    Old 03-22-2010, 03:36 PM   #37
    justmel30
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    I dont think you sound bad at all! It's really hard to be with the "nice" guy. Sometimes it seems like all of there niceness gets sucked out of them on everyone else's behalf, and you get stuck with the left overs. If this is a problem that has been repeating itself, then I think you have every right to say what you said. And I hope you meant it! There is no good sense in repeating the same bad patterns over and over again. However, I certainly hope for the best for the two of you. And hey, if it doesnt work out......you can take comfort in knowing that most of us have been there too and your definately not alone. Best of luck to you!
    Melissa

     
    Old 03-23-2010, 06:51 AM   #38
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    Hei, I am glad you worked it out
    I think we all do things sometimes without thinking on consequences, but it seems he really cares for you so I hope it all goes well.

     
    Old 03-23-2010, 07:49 PM   #39
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    I cracked up when I read your post! Thats right, you want a f****** apology and you deserve one! Sometimes you need to get ugly and I bet it took him by surprise. I'm glad he came around and geniunely apologized to you!

     
    Old 03-24-2010, 10:38 AM   #40
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    Yeah, the demanding of an appology - I shocked myself! I was kinda wound up from the cocktails. But I did mean it, even though I could have expressed myself a bit more eloquently. But you know, the feelings had festered to a boiling point and so the lid shot right off the teapot.

    Needless to say I doubt he'll forget that "talk" and will most likely remember it next time he talks with that woman.

    Thanks everyone

    Last edited by meg4; 03-24-2010 at 10:39 AM.

     
    Old 03-25-2010, 11:07 AM   #41
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    This happened between my fiancé and one of his female friends.

    When we were starting to date, he would meet her for coffee on a regular basis. At first, I was ok with it. But then we started getting serious, and I found out that she was relaying very personal information to him. I felt that those sorts of things were best discussed with her husband or female relatives/friends. So I told him I was no longer ok with it, especially because of the subject matter, and the fact that she never asked how I was doing, or how our relationship was going. I couldn’t say “you may not ever talk to her again,” but I didn’t trust her. So I suggested that we all go on a double date, so that I could meet her, and she could meet me, and maybe it would shed some light on the situation. So we did.

    It went horribly, due to her behavior. Basically, she threw herself at my fiance in front of me and her husband. To say it was awkward would be a gross understatement. It took every shred of my being to keep from going medieval on her. The good thing is that she showed her true colors, and he no longer speaks to her. He didn’t want to believe it at first, but he finally realized that she wasn’t as good a friend as he originally thought.

    I'm lucky it turned out like it did. Maybe it will for you.

     
    Old 03-25-2010, 11:39 AM   #42
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    Thanks for sharing your experience! In her case it is so obvious of what her intentions were. She probably threw herself at your fiance to try and show some kind of warped sense of "ownership". You are very lucky and have a great guy, one who saw through it and sees her for what she is and her intentions.

    I have considered having her come with us out to dinner or drinks. But my boyfriend says she never has anyone steady in her life, so she'd probably come by herself which would be pretty akward, the three of us.

    Honestly, I was pretty much over this since early this week. But for some reason my boyfriend brought it up again last nigt (I did not). He was going off about how he is upset at the woman who "turned him in". He says he feels targeted for no real good reason by some "nosey-bodies" in his workplace. I told him- no matter what the truth is, people are complaining. Is your 15 minutes with her worth your JOB? I've been asked in my own workplace to keep socializing at a minimum and have heeded that warning. No big deal!

    Last edited by meg4; 03-25-2010 at 11:43 AM.

     
    Old 03-25-2010, 01:38 PM   #43
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    He just needs to stop putting himself in a bad spot. He may have thought chatting with her was harmless and it may have aggravated somebody else. The thing is, he is there to WORK not to socialize. He has spent enough time with this woman. I mean, he obviously chats with her on a pretty consistent level if he even know that she does not have anyone steady in her life. If you stop and think about it... how do you get that close and personal to somebody when you technically only spend 15 minutes what.... a week with her?

    He needs to be more concerned about doing his job as opposed to worrying about who tattled on him. If he was more concerned about doing what he needs to do and keeping the socializing to a bare minimum -- he would not have time to know if she is seeing somebody steady and he would not be creating room for complaints!!!

    Im just glad you set him straight

    Last edited by Idris; 03-25-2010 at 01:39 PM.

     
    Old 03-25-2010, 03:17 PM   #44
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    I read your reply a few days ago and noticed a few things right off of the top that really bothered me. I didnt say anything becuase I liked how you had handled it, however, he's bringing it up and still trying to defend himself.......when the plain fact is, what he did was wrong. When he told you that he was sorry that you were hurt.......not that he was sorry he hurt you. That's like telling somebody that you poisoned that your sorry they got sick. That really bothered me. Second, he really blew over it all. It was inappropriate but meant nothing to him, she's a busy body but he trusts her and wont give up his friendship, and now he's upset that somebody turned him in. I feel like he really is not taking any responsibility........and to prove it......he said that he couldn't believe YOU would ruin the relationship over this. Sounds to me like he still isn't taking it very seriously. I dont know, what I said earlier still stands, I dont think he would cheat "technically". But I dont like his reactions to all of this, not one bit. I really hope yoyu meant what you said to him because I really feel like you haven't seen the end of this. I sooooooooooooo hope I'm wrong. And I wish you all the best.
    Melissa

     
    Old 03-25-2010, 03:33 PM   #45
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    Re: Is this a red flag?

    The other thing that bothers me about this is that he doesn't seem to want the two of you to meet. I mean, who cares if she shows up alone??? If it was legit, maybe the two of you (you and her) might hit it off and want to hang out together! It just seems like he's looking for excuses for you to NOT meet her. I'd wonder, why?

    Maybe arrange a Happy Hour or coffee and invite someone else, one of your guy friends or even a girl friend, and get your take on her. That's what I'd suggest, anyway.
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