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meg4 03-18-2010 08:58 AM

Is this a red flag?

May I get your opinions please? It would be appreciated.

I live with my boyfriend. He has a co-worker "Dawn" who he admitted about a year ago that he finds attractive, and that when they met they became friends, and she became flirtatious with him. He also adimitted that one time only, the conversation between them got sort of personal and they talked about her sex life and she said how she was dissatisfied etc. My boyfriend told her he always satisfies the woman first...blah blah blah, tooting his own horn. He actually admitted this conversation to me. He said she was attracted to him, and she even asked him out for drinks. He just brushed it off and came home and told me (we are very open with each other). Obviously he never went for drinks with her, and he has openly tells her about me. My boyfriend swears that their friendship is strictly platonic, and that the conversations these days do not get sexual or overly personal. They talk about her life, but not sex.
I have met her, and I see her about once a week (she brings her son into my clinic for some medical reasons). She always is friendly with me. She seems to know about things I have never told her (she knows about me daughter etc) so I figure my boyfriend tells her stuff, which is fine- at least he is mentioning me. Aomething I find sort of odd is that every time she sees me she says "I just saw your sweetie" or, I just got done talking to your honey" (always referring to my boyfriend). How come every time I see her she has "just seen him".? I told this to my boyfriend and he said that is odd because he only sees he about once a week.

Here is the potential red flag. Last night he told me that his boss called him into his office. He told my boyfriend that someone in his workplace went to the boss and said that my boyfriend was spending too much time with Dawn. My boyfriend has to collect equipment every cubicle and everyone has to interact with my boyfriend and sign off on a log sheet when he takes their instruments, that is part of his job. But someone told the boss he doesnt need to be spending 15 minuets in there with her every week when it should only take a minute or two. My boyfriend says he talks to her, just as friends and yes, sometimes for 15 minutes or so. Apparently someone in the office finds this inapproriate enough to bring it to the bosses attention.

His boss asked him to just teach her how to do the stuff that my boyfriend claims she always needs help with (which prolongs the time he spends with her). He said he will do that.

So I became a bit suspisious about his intentions and I asked him point blank. We talked it out last night and he swears that he is being honest with me and he has no interest in her that way. I am 85-90 percent convinced. But there is a bit of doubt.

He called me this morning at work to make sure we had cleared the air. I said I am cool, and we can move on. I didnt want to tell him I have a few lingering concerns.

Was I wrong to talk to him about feeling suspisious? Should I just have trusted and believed him without voicing concerns?

rosequartz 03-18-2010 09:12 AM

Re: Is this a red flag?
red flags.......yes

were you wrong for not just blindly trusting him?.......nope

AnnD 03-18-2010 10:10 AM

Re: Is this a red flag?
Where does it say in the 'rule book of relationships' that you have to be cool with any of what he is doing. He is playing a game with both you and this gal and not being respectful of you. And I certainly don't get that he is telling you all about it....and she too is telling you all about it. She is actually saying to you that you aren't that special if I too can get his attention. Are you just a glutton for punishment or what?! It's not cool and it isn't the right thing to do. I have been in your shoes before and I didn't find that game particular fun or funny it was just downright immature and not funny. I understood it was a game but it wasn't my game and told him to stop or I'm gone. Stop giving him permission to keep doing it...tell him it hurts your feelings and frankly it is not the trusting relationship you were hoping for...and certainly your most intimate life is not to be shared with another female he finds attractive...why on earth is he telling her your secrets and your moments with 'your man'. It would be a bit different if he was just a blabber puss and talked to every female about everything but he isn't doing that...he picked one female he finds very attractive in some way. Even a best girlfriend doesn't blab to anyone else what you tell her so why does he feel he needs her shoulder to 'cry' on? It makes no difference that he says that it is 'nothing' it is 'something' and you want it to stop as does the whole office what him to stop and if he can't stop or just moves on to someone else then be gone. It is a huge red flag.

meg4 03-18-2010 12:26 PM

Re: Is this a red flag?
I do appreciate your opinion. I guess now I am not sure hope to approach this. I have already told him I'm OK, even though I'm not really. My fault. How should I bring this up again?

Idris 03-18-2010 01:15 PM

Re: Is this a red flag?
Just be honest. You are not okay with it. You gave yourself time to think and process everything and you have come to the conclusion that you are not okay with this "platonic" relationship. I thought it was a red flag when he told you that they were sharing each other's sex life :nono:. This woman does not really know your man. You even said his encounter with her should be brief and someone in the office complained/addressed how his encounters with her were seemingly excessive. If they only see each other once a week, how do they have time to be sharing their sex lives?! This woman is apparently attractive. She decides to share intimate details about her sex life and how disatisfied she is. Your bf responds (lets know forget he finds her attractive) that he is great in bed. Hello? :eek:SERIOUS RED FLAG. He has no business sharing that with her. Its totally crossing the line. Why does he feel he need to share his experience with sex to her??? It is not just tooting his own horn. These type of discussions opens room for heavy flirting and cheating. It would be one thing if they were friends but he is only suppose to see her and be around her once a week.

You know, I will just sit him down and tell him the truth. You thought you were okay and you probably thought you were. But you arent NOW - so oh well. You would not be feeling the way you do anyway if he was not having inappropriate discussions with this woman. I agree with annD, major red flag

meg4 03-18-2010 01:23 PM

Re: Is this a red flag?
I know you are right Idris. I know it will bother me if I don't do something. I need to find the right time and way. What bothers me is how he crossed the line with the sex talk last year. So since it was a year ago, and supposedly that kind of talk hasnt happened since, should I still mention it?

I feel like I have to say something, about being dissapointed about the original sex conversation that happened, and its now just sinking in (as to how it bothers me).

We've been together for three years, live together and we are raising my daughter together. So I have a lot invested in my relationship.

Idris 03-18-2010 01:41 PM

Re: Is this a red flag?
Yes, you need to be completely honest. Tell him those little sex-sharing discussions did not settle right then but you did not want to make a big deal out of it... but its clearly TIME to address the matter because DAWN wont go away. She just keeps resurfacing... and why is that when he only sees her once and week and when their encounters should be brief and work related. He can swear up and down all he wants but their encounters would not be reported to the boss if it really was all that innocent and all completely work related. Puh-lease.

You really should have addressed it a year ago. You should have made it absolutely clear that you dont play that :nono: and if he feels the need to brag how great he is in bed to a woman that is attractive, who also (coincidentally) is whining about her unfulfilling sex life... then he needs to find someone else. That would not fly well with me. AT ALL. Like I said, it leads to other things and those discussions create small windows of opportunities. This woman is probably venting... bad sex life and she probably wants someone to stroke her ego and pet her a little bit. Well THAT IS NOT YOUR BF's job - perhaps its time to remind him because you are tired of his not-so platonic relationship with Dawn.

I am not saying he is a bad guy and he is cheating on you but he is not doing a good job MAKING YOU FEEL SECURE. He has no business sharing all that stuff with that woman and I honestly doubt all that talk has stopped... especially if he got called in the office by the boss :dizzy:

I would tell him it bothers you, it has raised a red flag and you do not feel secure. He is creating doubts in your relationship and he needs to do better! He does not need to invest attention in other women - thats what YOU ARE THERE FOR. If he wants to invest time in Dawn, he does not need to be wasting Meg's time.

Idris 03-18-2010 01:42 PM

Re: Is this a red flag?
Also you can throw that platonic talk out of the window - I dont believe that not one minute. He is already contradicting himself... one minute he tells you its platonic but yet he admits he finds her attractive, they got flirtatious and shared sex lives?!!!!!

Sure he says its platonic NOW and they dont talk about sex anymore but why is he filling the role of Dr Phil? This woman sounds like she has problems and wants to vent. She wants someone to make her feel better and pet her a little bit. Why is your man playing that role. Meg, I used to be Dawn. I used to vent my problems to guys and while it was not my intention to hook up with them... at some point, they start hitting on me. I have come to realize that I am coming off as a damsel in distress and while they are just listening to my venting... it makes them feel needed and important. Its not a pretty scenario when the guy that feels like he is making such a difference in a girl's life is in a relationship with another woman.

BeaTrade 03-18-2010 01:57 PM

Re: Is this a red flag?
Well first of all I cannot imagine that he would get called into the office if he's spending 15 minutes a WEEK in her office! That's hardly grounds for office chatter! It's probably more like he's in there 15 minutes at a time all the time. Do you really think he's going to tell you? It sounds kinda weird! My EX was having an affair with someone he worked with too and I never had a clue until much later! They are sooooo sneaky about hiding it!

meg4 03-18-2010 02:11 PM

Re: Is this a red flag?
First of all THANK YOU for your insight. Its been bery benificial and validating to hear this. Everything you said is what I feel inside but have not had the back bone to confront him.
I want to print your posts and highlight the points because as I read them they are what I have been wanting to say to him. Even writing this right now I am all wound up, a ball of tension in my stomach. I am so nervous because I don't know how he will react.

There is a bit of history, and don't want to bend your ear forever. But there was another time this happened before, with a girl that he knew before we got together. Even after we started dating exclusively, he would allow her to call him, and they talk really personal stuff just like he is with Dawn now. I finally put my foot down back then. Even all of his friends would say to him "why the heck do you still talk to that girl?" After I put my foot down he stopped communications with her and I was grateful. Now Dawn is like her all over again :mad:
I really think you are onto something with the damsel in distress thing. I think he enjoys being the rescuer. The problem is that I don't want to be the girlfriend of a knight in shining armour who is always being the emotional hero to other women.

Just writing this has made me feel more certain as to what I have to do and say. Seriously I am printing it out so I can go over in my head what I will say. Hopefully tonight after he gets home.

Thank you again Idris.

meg4 03-18-2010 02:18 PM

Re: Is this a red flag?
[QUOTE=BeaTrade;4206794]Well first of all I cannot imagine that he would get called into the office if he's spending 15 minutes a WEEK in her office! That's hardly grounds for office chatter! It's probably more like he's in there 15 minutes at a time all the time. Do you really think he's going to tell you? It sounds kinda weird! My EX was having an affair with someone he worked with too and I never had a clue until much later! They are sooooo sneaky about hiding it![/QUOTE]

This is my fear, BeaTrade. And even if he isn't having an actual sexual fling...somethings are just over the line. And I said the same thing to him last night...your boss called you inthere for your being with her 15 minutes a week? My suspision is that it is daily or at least several times a week.

EagleRiverDee 03-18-2010 02:24 PM

Re: Is this a red flag?
Wow- this is very close to something I experienced with my guy. A few years ago I found out that he was having what I felt were really inappropriate conversations with a woman. They, too, were discussing sex. She was complaining about not getting any as a single woman. He complained also, and left out the fact that he had a girlfriend. I think he was just enjoying a bit of a flirt but he got outed by another co-worker who told this woman that he had a GF and she had the decency to stop talking to him altogether.

Where I see some positives in your situation is that she obviously knows about you. She brings him up to you, which makes it seem like she's not uncomfortable. It does seem like he talks to her about you, which is a good sign, IMO. If he's spending 15 minutes a week with her...well, that's not enough time for an emotional or physical affair.

If it were me, I'd check his phone records for texts or phone calls to/from her but if you don't find any evidence of more regular contact I probably wouldn't worry too much. It sounds like he loves you.

meg4 03-18-2010 02:26 PM

Re: Is this a red flag?
And another thing. I just realized how drawn to drama my boyfriend is. The previous girl (who I put my foot down with early in our relatiionship) was always full of drama. So is Dawn. Maybe I'm just normal and calm and functional, and he needs "broken women" in his life to feel valued.

Ugh. I feel sick:(

meg4 03-18-2010 02:30 PM

Re: Is this a red flag?
Thanks for the positive spin on things. May I ask if you confronted your guy and how did he explain? Did he feel justified?
You are right that he loves me. That I know, however I'm just not OK with his need to go "fix" these women and have them lean on him. What if it is just who he is? (the kind to needs to feel needed by more than his girlfriend)? I will have to accept that or move on.

Redneon82 03-18-2010 03:11 PM

Re: Is this a red flag?
I don't recommend checking his phone. That would be a great way to really get him upset and have something to complain to Dawn about!

What about plain, old fashioned talking to him in person? After 3 years, you shouldn't be afraid to ask him straight out. If you are afraid, why?

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