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She set off a nuclear bomb in the house...Now what?

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Old 04-10-2010, 06:55 AM   #1
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geek64 HB User
She set off a nuclear bomb in the house...Now what?

I have felt for some time that my wife was of the BPD type, pretty much out of the textbook. We have four kids, 2 hers, i ours, one mine, and she has been high-functioning, for the most part. Ten mos ago, she started treating me very critically, cold, often cruel. Over the top--rage and hate-filled eyes. We had been quarrelling a bit over whose needs were being met or not, but nobody threw any threats around. I was trying to slowly work her into the idea that she actually had an issue or two without her killing me and was making progress.
One day, some force slammed into my body, I stopped, and said: 'OMG--she's cheating!' I had all the usual rxns, but after much debate and discussion, decided to try to stay and make it work. I am not typically a caver, but I thought staying was the right thing here, in part because I knew she had such a massive psych disease burden (I work in neuro/psych). SHe copped to a three-mo affair with some dude. That it? Yes. OK--let's move fwd. Yes, let's do.

The next day, that same force slammed into me. You're not telling me everything. Three hours later and she's all, I txtd the old BF for a few wks. OK, for 4, no 5, yrs. All right, we had sex once. Oops, we had sex for three years 2x?mo while you and I were first married. And I went home with a lot of guys I can't even remember. And I have 45 SMS msgs a day to 765 #s and I have no idea what it means. And my hard drive and the phone bills and bnk stmtnts are missing. Blah, bleeh. I'm addicted to it, the rush. I wanna hurt men, i was abused/raped. No, I wannt be held, feel special. No, i wanna be touched. No, I drink too much and get crazy. Did I forget the part about the cocaine? Why yes--pardon while I change this diaper--yes, you did forget the part about the cocaine. Did I just step back to freshman yr in college? Where di d you people stash my wife?

Last nt, I sat nxt to her and she asked if the < edited > or something in her inbox was from me. ????? This morning i find she has unsubscribed to at least two such services, tried to lose the cameras and sftware. Blah. The point here is that she looked my right in the eye and without an apparent care, indeed laughing, like it was just so funny!, denied what she had invested months in at the very least. Her hard drive is a monument to lying and she has been combing through mine and deleting things that could put her in a worse position. Like that is even possible. Sexually explicit SMS msgs to other guys--oh, did I mention I had sex with Olga? I can see that, Olga is gorgeous. But you're straight. She stares into space, pondering that.

So, all that in mind, I need input about this woman's capacity for honest living in the future. Don't laugh, I know some pts do improve. Or so it is said. Clueless here. She has had a secret life in a huge way and it does not seem to bother her except when pressed hard to the pavement. Oddly, she appeared to have massive empathy early on in our relationship and now, I would say, she seems not to know how to experience it--other than for the baby. And of course, when relaxed, she explains it all as a rxn to my failure to meet her needs. Many thanks for any help--we need it. We're dying here.

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Old 04-10-2010, 06:25 PM   #2
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kilgore52 HB User
Re: She set off a nuclear bomb in the house...Now what?

I Can't believe that you put up with this crap. She is crazy and you need to leave her now if you want to be saine.

Old 04-10-2010, 06:36 PM   #3
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Lotsadogs HB User
Re: She set off a nuclear bomb in the house...Now what?

Trying to revive this relationship is like kicking a dead horse!!! It ain't movin'!!! You did not say how long you have been married/in a relationship. But, sometimes, you just have to cut your loses and move on. Life is too short to be miserable!! Jealousy is a horribly dibiliating behavior. Sounds like there is a lot of jealousy here as well.

Old 04-10-2010, 08:23 PM   #4
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justmel30 HB User
Re: She set off a nuclear bomb in the house...Now what?

I dont think she will be honest with you.....ever. You will never know all of it, and thank goodness for that. It probably just goes downhill from there. But I think you have the diagnosis a bit wrong.....not bipolar....but rather a sociopath. The lack of remourse, repetetive incidence, immature attitude, self centerdness, lack of moral sense, and inability to form a meaningful relationship are much more telling of a sociopath. If I were you, I would take my kids and get as far away as possible. Good luck.

Old 04-17-2010, 12:03 AM   #5
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dreambig1234 HB User
Re: She set off a nuclear bomb in the house...Now what?

First, do not let her use your lack of filling her needs as an excuse for her is not. She says things and cuts you down just to take some of the blame and guilt off of her. I think her stable patterns of bad behavior should give you the indication that she wants to do what she wants and it doesnt matter if you get caught up in the middle. When she does these things she doesnt think about your feelings, infact she doesnt think about you at all. When she gets caught her first instinct is to feel annoyed with you that you caught her and now she has to deal with another argument. She shows no emotion unless hard pressed because if you make her actually feel then she feels the pain for you HOWEVER, she does not do so on a day to day basis. She has a conscious, she just chooses to ignore it. She is acting selfish. She doesnt want the responsibility of your marriage and family life.
My friend, I would leave. There is not a person on this planet that deserves to be walked over...especially over and over again. You dont need to be a door mat. Your kids dont need to be a part of the chaos either.

P.S. I dont think she is bipolar or a sociopath...I think that she doesnt know that she wants to be married to you anymore but by you not leaving and putting up with her behavior allows her to keep doing what she is doing without having to deal with the hassles of a divorce.

Good Luck

Old 12-05-2010, 11:11 PM   #6
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athena8108 HB User
Re: She set off a nuclear bomb in the house...Now what?

hi geek64, so you're in hell basically. this sounds more like narcissistic personality to me. the lack of empathy or remorse, the impulsiveness, the lack of accountability etc. read about NPD and attachment theory.
my partner had all the classic signs and i've been on a very loooong journey to gather wisdom on this and i can share a few insights and manoeuvres with you.
okay, difficulty forming attachments to others - such as what Ns experience - comes from abandonment experiences in (often early) childhood, by caregivers, this may simply be a loss of attention or interest leaving the child to raise itself. there may or may not be abuse or neglect of physical needs. subsequently the individual develops a fear of becoming reliant on others, lest they be forsaken all over again, they want to be cared for, but another part of them insists that they must aim to be autonomous, whether they ever achieve this or not. this is why they SABOTAGE their relationships. the narcissism part comes from the fact that they still get a kick out of flattery like anyone else, but they often have periods when they ask themselves why they seek this, since achieving approval doesn't actually signify anything like it does for the rest of us, averages instinctively like to be acceptable so that we may benefit from functional relationships, but for them it doesn't 'go anywhere'.
the reason your wife gets excited when she's upset you is because she has your undivided attention, the opposite of her childhood experience. you must learn to detach yourself at these times, 'disengage' and focus on something that is constructive for you elsewhere (mentally at least). tell her as dispassionately as you can how you feel, and which of her behaviours have elicited this, and tell her that you don't approve of her behaviour when she has upset you. she really does need it spelling out, you wouldn't believe the value i have found in stating the obvious. and get on with the other things in your life. no feigning affection, she needs real feedback. she may seek flattery elsewhere, this is probably what she was talking about when she said that you "weren't meeting her needs", they want unconditional approval, and they can't have it, she'll never find a relationship that works that way, we have to be able to address grievances and incompatibilities. she may look for a temporary fix, and try to illicit your attention with upsetting you, but you must stick to your guns and don't engage when she's upsetting. would i be right in thinking you've probably seen a side to yourself you really don't like when you're upset with her during all this? hey, you get to wave goodbye to that self-loathing too with this method, cool-as-cats. don't expect her to understand what you're going through, her self-image has been compensating for lack of attachment for a long time and she's defensive of it. although you saw this very empathetic side of her to start with, that was about problems she wasn't the cause of wasn't it?
one more tip, this is your BS armour, when you listen to her, first listen for what she is attempting to achieve with what she tells you, look for the agenda first, empathise later if you think she's being (reasonably, discretion is advised) honest.
i've been researching NPD, attachment disorders and related pathologies intensively for some time now, the above is just off the top of my head but trust me, it's tried and tested, it works, you'll feel loads better. i also gotta tell ya, there's usually a reason it happened to you, with respect you're probably a dupe, like i was, you can leave this relationship and you'll probably end up with another one very similar so please deal with this.

best wishes

Old 12-06-2010, 05:13 AM   #7
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Re: She set off a nuclear bomb in the house...Now what?

She is horrible , she treats you very very badly. Why on earth you putting up with this ? she will drag you down to deep depression she does not love you, does not care for you, she cheated/lied/secrecy/said cruel respect at all.

Old 12-06-2010, 05:48 AM   #8
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Re: She set off a nuclear bomb in the house...Now what?

bottom line she either gets help or you get the heck out of there and custody of the kids. you need to give them stablity and if you leave with them chances are she will either get help or keep on getting worse. most ppl with this can do well on meds but many do not. women seem to lie a lot with this. friends daughter has this. she went to jail lost her apt. ppl steal from her and her kids have gone without. grandma finally got her out of her butt and took over. mom finally got the message. free ride to be a jerk was over. love yourself first and love those innocent kid;s first.

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