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Janaly 04-13-2010 08:28 AM

Re: Should I call my mother on her birthday?
I think it is a very good thing for you to talk about your experiences and feelings
here. Keep venting and sharing! What you have had to deal with in regards to your
childhood on up until now has obviously been unbearable in many ways. Your mom
had issues and deep ones it appears. For you to have had to be on the receiving
end of so much pain is just not fair ya know. Life can be so tough! Please just
keep sharing your feelings and emotions here on this board. As a support group
for you, I pray and hope all of us (as we are attempting to do) can continue to
be open ears and hearts to all this you are going through and trying to deal with.

Big Hugs,


Angelique43 04-14-2010 03:58 AM

Re: Should I call my mother on her birthday?
Thank you so much for your kind & caring words. You really dont know just how much i truely appreciate it & it really is helping to get it off of my chest. I still am undecided as to whether i will call her on her birthday, i'm leaning towards not. Or if at this point i will even send her a card. I had thought for so long that maybe i was being too hard on her by ignoring her but after reading all of your posts here i can see that i was wrong! And this gives me relief! So thank you to each & every one of you for your replies.

Angelique43 04-14-2010 04:06 AM

Re: Should I call my mother on her birthday?
Hi all...I am currently having some pain issues so i will try to write again when i'm feeling a bit better. Thanks again to all who have replied & to all who have taken the time to read my thread. Take care & God bless you all. Big Hugs To You.

Janaly 04-14-2010 08:00 AM

Re: Should I call my mother on her birthday?
[QUOTE=Angelique43;4225366]Hi all...I am currently having some pain issues so i will try to write again when i'm feeling a bit better. Thanks again to all who have replied & to all who have taken the time to read my thread. Take care & God bless you all. Big Hugs To You.[/QUOTE]

Big Hugs to you also Angelique! Take good care of yourself
and sorry about your pain issues. I have some of those too.

God's Blessings upon you also......


Angelique43 04-14-2010 10:23 AM

Re: Should I call my mother on her birthday?
Thank you so much Janaly. I will post again soon. Thank you for your support! Also, i'm so sorry that you have pain issues too.

Angelique43 04-15-2010 03:44 AM

Re: Should I call my mother on her birthday?
Hi Everybody...
Have you ever just felt like you just don't even have the energy to talk or in this case, type about things? This is how i'm feeling right now because there is so much that i need to say yet i don't even know where to begin. This has just been so mentally & emotionally draining on me for so many years & at times the toxic relationship that i've shared with my mother has even made me physically sick. Its not good, i know this. It can really eat away at a person like deadly poison. But right now my brain is just too fried to try to keep this all in order. So, i hope that it will be ok if i just write what i'm feeling at the moment instead of trying to keep it in order, if this makes any sense?

Tonight i have been thinking about something that my mother did to me last year that really just took a toll on me & really just crossed the line for me as far as ever being able to forgive her. Infact, after this incident that i'm about to tell you about is when i really started ignoring her because for me it is totally unforgivable.

Shortly after i had started pulling away from my mother, because i was sick & tired of her hurting me she wanted to "get even" with me for ignoring her. This is the kind of mind games that she plays all of the time whenever she doesnt get her own way or i refuse to let her control me. She must have really wanted to hurt me bad this time & she suceeded. She knows that my oldest brother & i haven't spoken to each other in over 20 years. My oldest brother & i don't have a relationship with each other because he will not admit or accept responsibility for molesting me when we were growing up. So therefore i cut off all contact with him over 20 years ago. My mother knows that the molestation really took place because i secretly recorded him the last time that it had happened & then i played it back to my mother so there was no doubt that this happened to me. Yet my brother refuses to own up to what he did. All i wanted was an apology from him but he refused to give me one so therefore we have no relationship. Well, my mother went behind my back & told my brother some things that i had told her about him & since he is denying that he ever molested me, even though i provided the proof, it angered him that i had said these things. What was going on here was that my mother was trying to get him ticked off at me just so that he would hurt me in return for the things that i'd said about him. So, after getting him angry at me she gave him my email address & he wrote me a very very horrible letter. What words did he choose to use to hurt me with? My baby daughter...I had a baby girl back in Jan. 1989 that died & i still deal with her loss everyday of my life, i have never gotten over it. She was my first child. My mom knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this would hurt me the most! Well my brother wrote me a horrible letter & i wont go into everything that he said, but it was long & it nearly caused me a nervous breakdown & my mother was the mastermind behind the whole thing because she wanted to hurt me & get even with me. In the horrible letter that my brother wrote to me he talked about my daughter. He said such cruel & hurtful & unforgivable things. In the letter he said to me "Thats why your baby died, because God punishes bad people". "He let your baby die because he saw what a b***h you were". And worse things he said to me....But it hurt me beyond words & still does & when i called my mother & told her that i knew that she was behind this whole thing & how i thought it was so cruel to say these things to me, especially since this was her grandbaby too, whom i named after HER! Do you know what she said? She said "Prove it!"....She completely denied the whole thing but i know in my heart without a doubt that she put my brother up to the whole thing. Besides nobody had my email except for my mother so she had to have given it to him.

I can not even begin to tell you in words how much this hurt my heart & soul right down to the very core of my being. It nearly caused me another breakdown. And i will NEVER forgive her or my brother for this, EVER! Infact, i want so much to change my daughter's name now but i don't even know if this is possible since she is deceased. I do not want my precious baby having my mother's name!

The more that i think about all of the cruel & hurtful things that this woman has done to me, i dont think i will even acknowledge her birthday!

92261 04-15-2010 05:25 AM

Re: Should I call my mother on her birthday?
Angelique43: Your story and life get more bizarre as time goes on. Why are you tormenting yourself so much? CUT THE CORD!!!!!!!! Put these people in the past and start new!

It's pretty evident that your mother has suffered from mental illness over the years and has done some strange things. If you continue to try to keep a relationship with her it's only going to get worse. All you're going to do it keep bringing up the past and the torture. You need to stop, and now!

I've cut the cords with sisters, cousins, friends, and neighbors over the years because they kept irritating me and I said - NO MORE!!! Life is better off without them. There's less chaos and less arguing. As you get older you're not going to want to deal with these people at all! Your mind and body are going to change and you need to find some positive outlets in your life to help take your mind off of these people.

Find yourself a good church that you can get involved with, find some hobbies to do, find some friends that you can socialize with and try to start over.

I would not send your mother a birthday card. I wouldn't give her the time of day or the satisfaction. All you're doing is opening old wounds and telling her that you're interested in hearing from her. It's like you're asking for a slap in the face. Do you really think she gives a care? If she was my mother, she could send me all the letters she wanted and I'd ignore every single one of them. It's a sad situation but why keep tormenting yourself over it.

You're dealing with physical pain too, it sounds like. Take care of yourself and your body and move on.

You won't be able to change a baby's name from over 20 years ago. What's done is done. That was then, this is now. Start a new chapter in your life and try not to let the past into it.

Lotsadogs 04-15-2010 07:33 AM

Re: Should I call my mother on her birthday?
I totally agree with the last remarks -- Move on --- get a new life. Pack your bags and move to a different area - and don't give them your new address, let them wonder where you are. Make new friends, get new interests in life --and DON'T LOOK BACK!!! What are you getting from these relationships?? Nothing that I can see except hurt. Sounds as if you have had enough hurts. And, after you decide to make a new life for yourself -- don't even think about all the hurts they have given you over the years. At your age you are still young enough to recover, but recovery is not always easy. You must stop thinking about them, take a class, get a hobby, make new friends. Don't let relatives ruin your life and chance for happiness.
I went through similar circumstances, however, once I decided I had enough of being hurt -- and I resigned myself to a life without these people in my life, recovery became easier. Lots of good luck to you.:wave:

kewlgirl 04-15-2010 01:11 PM

Re: Should I call my mother on her birthday?
I really feel for you. My husband has a bad relationship with his father although not quite as bad as yours. My husband was physically and emotionally abused by his dad his entire life, and his mom will defend this man no matter what, she is brainwashed.

My husband grew up with shoes that were too small because his dad felt he didn't "deserve" to have shoes that fit. My husband got his ear pierced when he was 13, and his dad got so mad he tried to run him over with the car. But back then, parents could beat their kids and his dad later played it off like it was a joke, but he almost did run him over.

Today my husband has little to no contact with his dad and when he does his dad is a raging monster. He will give himself a heart attack one of these days from blowing up, and I'm sorry to say this, but he won't be missed.

As far as the e-mail from your brother, are you sure that your mother didn't get into his e-mail account and send the e-mail from his name?

I would let go of these people....they will do nothing but torment you. You deserve a life of happiness and peace.

Angelique43 04-16-2010 05:16 AM

Re: Should I call my mother on her birthday?
Hi kewlgirl...Thanks so much for all of your kind & caring words.

Yes, i'm sure that my mother didnt get onto my brother's account & send the email herself because she doesnt even have a computer, & has never used one before.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband's father, thats just terrible!

Thanks again for your kindness, i appreciate it.

I also want to thank everybody else who has sent replies to my post as well. Thanks so much for your words of wisdom, support, caring, etc. I appreciate you all.

I actually did move away from her, 3000 miles away to be exact. But i should have never given her my number or my address!

I've been thinking alot about it & i'm going to take all of you guy's advice & i'm not going to call her. I'm unsure as to whether i will send her a card at this point or not. If i do, it will be an ugly one lol But then again, if i gotta do that, why bother? Just dont even acknowledge her birthday at all. It just hurts still. It shouldn't be like this but it is what it is & its just sad & hurtful.

Thanks again for all of you guy's help , advice, & support. Not really sure if i'll continue to write on this thread or not, i may just let it die, with my mother....

trystme 04-16-2010 05:41 AM

Re: Should I call my mother on her birthday?
OMG! What a painful childhood you had. Don't send your mom a card. Don't ever answer an e-mail or a phone call from your mother or your brother. You are a grown woman now and she can't hurt you anymore unless you LET her.

Angelique43 04-16-2010 05:46 AM

Re: Should I call my mother on her birthday?
Thank you..I appreciate it.

Angelique43 04-25-2010 01:09 PM

Re: Should I call my mother on her birthday?
Hey everybody !

I wanted to stop by & give an update as to what i decided to do because today is my moms birthday. She is 64 today.

I never did get her a card or send her any kind of a gift. Honestly, i just had no interest in doing so. But i did decide to give her a call, after hours & hours of debate. In my final decision i felt that i really did just want her to know that i still loved her even though she has done nothing but hurt me all of my life. I didn't want to hurt her by not calling.

The phone call actually went better than i had ever expected ! I guess i had been thinking the worse because that had always been my experience. But it actually went ok. We spoke for well over an hour about all kinds of stuff. I told her Happy Birthday & that i loved her. She was being pleasant, not like her lol & she even told me that she loved me too ! Huge surprise ! I told her that i would try to call her again soon, not sure if i really meant it or not but we'll see.

Thanks again for all of your support ! I appreciate it. Take care & God bless.

Lotsadogs 04-25-2010 01:33 PM

Re: Should I call my mother on her birthday?
CONGRATULATIONS!! You took the high road. Your conscience will be clear as you know you made an attempt at conversation. Not all can do that. I am very proud of your decision and you should be proud also. :wave:

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