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Issues sleeping with partner - any advice?

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Old 04-15-2010, 04:46 AM   #1
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Unhappy Issues sleeping with partner - any advice?

Hello all,

I have an issue that is driving me mad - let me explain my problem in full. A year ago I started dating a girl and things have been great. We would spend 2 or 3 nights a week in the same bed. I never slept very well during those nights, falling asleep late / waking early, but because it was only 2 or 3 nights per week, I didnt mind.

6 months ago we moved in together. Ever since she moved in, I have had real issues sleeping every night. I get to sleep fine, but I wake every morning really early (4AM), very tense and dont feel like I slept. I find it hard to get back to sleep, my legs are very fidgety and my mind is racing.

I have tried countless things; herbal sleeping tablets, a sleeping routine, sleeping tracks & music etc, and nothing has worked. Many people have told me it is all about sleep hygine and a routine, but I think it is something deeper / a medical issue.

My girlfriend has told me that I used to occasionally masturbate in my sleep or try to touch her. I was 100% unaware of this, and I would wake up like I had just been solidly asleep. Apparently I do not do it anymore.

But whenever I wake up during the night, whether it be 2AM, 4AM, 5AM, I have an erection, my legs and body are tense, and I can't get back to sleep. Even if I relax or get up and have a 10 minute walk, this does not seem to help.

I am losing my hair, getting very bad skin and feeling terrible all day because of my lack of sleep. Can anybody suggest a possible reason(s) for my issue? The issue goes away on nights that my girlfriend isn't at home (ie visiting family), but she is a quiet, still sleeper, so why does it make a difference?

Thank you all in advance. James.

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Old 04-15-2010, 09:02 AM   #2
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Re: Issues sleeping with partner - any advice?

It's hard to say but it seems anxiety related since it only happens when your girlfriend is sleeping with you. Do you worry about disturbing her sleep and therefor try and sleep too tense? For some reason you can't relax when she is in bed with you. You'll have to get at the root of what it is that irritates or worries you when you are not sleeping alone.

Maybe you fear masterbating or trying to have sex with her in your sleep again, even though you have not done that in a while, maybe you still fear it happening again and so your mind will not relax enough for you to get to seep sleep? You fear losing control?

Have you seen your doctor?

Last edited by River rocks; 04-15-2010 at 09:03 AM.

Old 04-15-2010, 10:56 AM   #3
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Re: Issues sleeping with partner - any advice?

My husband and I have similar problems but not to that extreme. My husband likes to hug me when we are sleeping and I am a very light sleeper and wake up even from the slightest touch - so you can imagine how uncomfortable it is.

Once my husband falls asleep and rolls away from me I can rest peacefully. I tend to find that if we have sex before falling asleep we both rest better.

I would maybe see a sleep specialist to see if they can help?

Old 04-15-2010, 11:57 AM   #4
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Re: Issues sleeping with partner - any advice?

Originally Posted by jamesx252 View Post
I am losing my hair, getting very bad skin and feeling terrible all day because of my lack of sleep.
You gotta see a doctor, James.

I, personally, try to avoid medications at all costs, but I wouldn't put up with your symptoms. Either a sleep aid or an anti-anxiety med would probably do wonders for you.

My wife has eczema, and years ago when it flared up really bad, she was itching all night in her sleep, so the doctor prescribed a medication that was classified as anti-anxiety, but it did the trick and she got a sound night's sleep.

Old 04-15-2010, 03:37 PM   #5
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Re: Issues sleeping with partner - any advice?

I've never been married or lived with anyone so this may be not be an appropriate suggestion but would there be an issue with you having your own bed? If I were with someone and we started the night together but one of us then slipped out of bed to another space, it would not bother me at all. I understand the need for private time and I actually believe that maybe your private time is needed during the night.

Can you sleep well with her home but you in another room? Have you tried that? Or is it her being home period that creates the stress?

Going to the doctor is a good idea. But I just don't think it would be a big deal if I were with someone who needed his own space at night.

Old 04-15-2010, 03:57 PM   #6
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Re: Issues sleeping with partner - any advice?

I'm a light sleeper and I sleep like crap with someone else. My fiance insists that couples are meant to sleep together, but I disagree. If both people can sleep well, great, but if one or both people suffer from having someone in the same bed then they should sleep in different rooms. I would LOVE to sleep in a different bed. I actually enjoy traveling on business because I sleep so well in my hotel bed. No one is tossing and turning next to me, no snoring. It's great.

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