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Need some advice with my relationship, I don't know what to do

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Old 05-12-2010, 11:21 AM   #1
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bren4 HB User
Need some advice with my relationship, I don't know what to do

I don't know what do to anymore. Sorry this will be kinda lengthy.

I have been with my hubby for 18 yrs, I have tried to be the best wife to him and mother to our kids. I have done everything inside and out side the house, cooked, cleaned, lawn work (we have almost 1/2 acre), laundry, painting, plastering etc etc. I made it so all he had to do was come home eat and relax and do what ever he has wanted and be happy. I have never asked for much and rarely complain. Here is a couple examples... I am not into sports, he wanted me to try to get into them for him, I have been to at least 75 + hockey and/or baseball games and watched it on tv with him, I was miserable but did it for him. He knew I had a phobia of the ocean so he insisted he go to Florida and Bahamas for a week. He insisted we go to the ocean and insisted I get in the water, I got about waist deep, i was terrified but I did it. He commented "wow you really do have a fear of the ocean", a few days later he insisted on renting a wave runner and I go with him, I did, he dumped us in the water quite far from land, I about had a heart attack, I was screaming and totally terrified. He wanted a dog, I didn't just because I already to so much and so much to take care of I didn't want anymore responsiblities then I already have, so much on my plate to juggle as it it, I gave in and got a dog.

I was having problems with the fact that he didnt want sex often if I was luck it was 1 a month to 3 months, rarely touched me and didn't talk much to me. over the yrs I have on a numerous occassions I have tried talking to him about this, he always said nice things and made me feel as though the problem was mine. I have cut myself down, worried and wondered what was wrong with me, thinking I'm to fat, not pretty enough, wasn't making him happy enough, I just wasn't good enough. So have worked hard at tryiing to make him happy, knowing I wasn't good enough for him. I begged and cherished any lil attention he is willing to throw my way.

Last year an old friend he use to be in total love with came back into his life, I knew if she ever came back in his life I would lose him. He was sending 50-75+ texts messages a day and online with her etc.., carried his phone everywhere with him, even to bed (which was not normal) After a while, I knew he wanted to be with her. (I know I should not have done this but I did) I told him if he wants to be with her to go for it, I will step aside if it will make him happy. He said "no I want to be with you, and she probably doesn't think of me that way, besides I'm married" I told him "well you can tell her that we are separated and see where is goes." That killed me to do, but all I have ever wanted was to make him happy, I obviously don't make him happy, maybe she could. I figured if she can make him happy and he wanted her so will step aside for the 2 of them. Well after about a month or so, I asked what was going on with them, he says just friends she doesn't see me any other way. I said "fine well I don't want to make you choose but I can't life like this anymore, you have to make the decision". So now after we have had this talk, we are supposed to be getting our marriage on track. He only talks and texts and/or online her when I'm wasn't around. Sometimes just didn't seem right. I asked him to go out one night make plans a week in advance, nothing big dinner and a movie or bar, just us (we rarely do anything with out the kids and he rarely take me out just us). So the night come we go for dinner, he really doesn't say much to me, it was very uncomfortable, after dinner we were going to go to a bar, but went to see a movie that was just about to start, after I thought we would go to the bar, instead he started walking to the car, he took me home by 9 pm, he wanted to get home so he could get online. So I started watching text messages (he deleted most of them before I could read them), I started watching instant message convos and found he had a couple girlfriends, sending naked pic back and forth, he was telling her the lies he made up to tell me etc . I sat him down and had another civil convo with him and said "this has to end, it's either me or the girlfriends" this convo lasted about 6 hrs. him telling me he loves me, they mean nothing to him, etc etc etc... he told 1 g/f online it was over she didn't take it very well, and told 2 others that it was over thru text messages. The one I told you about in the beginning didn't take it well at all, was very angry, swearing and calling me names and him too, he said nothing just begged her forgiveness. His excuse was, well she is angry, she has problems, I didn't want to hurt her. He has never cared weather he hurt me. OK anyways... all should now be over back to me marriage right? NO!! A couple weeks later, He deleted her off his ******** she them in turn sent him a message again angry calling me name and him too swearing at him, and finally says I want nothing to do with you. A couple weeks later, he goes on to a friend of hers and his ******** page and is again begging her for forgiveness and telling her and at least 400+ of ******** contacts that I am delusional, and a head case. He told the G/F's that my meds aren't working, he doesn't know what my problem is, I'm a head case, and he is trying to straighten things out so he can continue with them. I honestly don't know how long he had some of these g/f's.

Once I saw him telling ******** that I delusional and begging her forgiveness. I blow up. Several days after I found that I had it out with him, Told him I can never trust him again, wanting to know what else he thought of me, what else he is telling ppl about me, etc. Even after I show him proof of what he said about me he still deni saying it, si I eiher sho him proof again or remind him I have proof, then he says, well I didnt mean it, then will go back to denying saying it again. Well since that blow up, he has gottin better at pausing the tv or turning away from the computer to try and talk with me, after about 1 1/2 month I told him he was getting better with the convo thing, but some stuff hasn't and isn't going to change, he had touched me in 1 1/2 month and not sex. About an hour after telling him that he rubs my back, I told him I don't need his pity attention. 3 month after the last blow up, he is still talking with me, still no physical contact.

I feel like my marriage and a good part of my life has been a sham, I feel empty inside, I am done be his maid, his mother, his slave and being treated like a dog, thats not true he treat or dog better then he treats me. One of my friend says "move on find someone else" there is a problem there I have nothing left to give to anyone, I have given so much for so long, I simply have nothing left. Hubby doesn't want a divorce he wants me to stay. What is the sense in stay so he has someone to come home to every night, someone to cook, do laundry, clean his house, do the yard work, just cus I'm convenient? Most of my friend I have talked to about this, just listen to me, they will support me in any decision I make, they think its wrong with how he has treated me and what i have put up with, but noone wants to give me advice of what I should do. Please don't get me wrong he is a good man, he is a hard worker, a good provider. But is that enough to live without physical, emotional and mental support? I don't know anymore. I used to want him happy and would do anything for him and his happiness, but not anymore.

Any advice? What would you do in my position? Is this marriage worth saving?

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Old 05-12-2010, 11:47 AM   #2
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Re: Need some advice with my relationship, I don't know what to do

Of course he wants you to stay. He wants things to remain as they are- he gets to do as he pleases and you do the housework, and get treated like a maid and not like his wife.

It was sad to hear you say "I have nothing left to give anyone else". But the reality is, there are men out there who would give you all of the adoration and attention and love that you deserve, so next time (if you find a good guy) he will do so much of the giving, you will be surprised. A man who really loves you will give freely. He will want YOU to be as happy as you want him to be. This is not the case with your husband. He is a selfish taker and not worthy of all you invest in him.

My advice is to stop taking his non-sense and disrespect as of today. Get a lawyer, and tell him you are through. Only if you both are truly committed to the marriage would it work.

Last edited by River rocks; 05-12-2010 at 11:47 AM.

Old 05-12-2010, 11:48 AM   #3
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Re: Need some advice with my relationship, I don't know what to do

No, with the information that you have given here I'd say that the marriage is not worth saving. You said yourself that it has always been a sham. Why save something that was never real to begin with?

Right now you feel like you'll never have anything to give anyone else but give it a few years after you get out of this awful marriage and you will feel differently.

You have lived for someone else for the past 18 years. It is time to do something for yourself. You deserve so much more out of life.

Get rid of him then before you begin a new relationship be by yourself for a while and ask yourself why you ever allowed someone to treat you this way.

Old 05-12-2010, 12:02 PM   #4
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Re: Need some advice with my relationship, I don't know what to do

This marriage is not worth saving, but you are. You must have incredibly low self-esteem. I've never heard of anyone telling their husband to go out with his many girlfriends just to make him happy. That's disrespecting yourself for someone else's sake. He has lied to you repeatedly and uses you and knows that he can do whatever he wants because you will take it. It's time to change that. Nothing is going to change if you say "it's me or them" or try to make changes now. He is beyond repair. You need to get out and live for yourself for once.

Old 05-12-2010, 12:07 PM   #5
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Re: Need some advice with my relationship, I don't know what to do

this marriage isn't worth saving, but you have to change your attitude about yourself.....stop being a doormat and letting him wipe his feet on you......why don't you think you deserve better? If you don't change your attitude you will find yourself with another "taker" who wipes his feet on you and you will continue to "give" until there is nothing left.
the problem isn't all's you.....why did you ALLOW this kind of treatment to begin with? why is his happiness more important than yours?
go get the book co-dependent no more and read it cover to cover......that may explain things.

Old 05-12-2010, 01:52 PM   #6
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Re: Need some advice with my relationship, I don't know what to do

That had to be the most horrible story I have ever read! Your chances of meeting someone better are more than 100% I would say. Get away from him and pretend that nightmare never happened!

Old 05-12-2010, 01:53 PM   #7
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Re: Need some advice with my relationship, I don't know what to do

We didn't start off this way, the first 2-3 yrs he treated me like an equal, like the sun, rose and set on me. We split most of the housework he helped with the laundry etc. Then slowly things changed, first sex was slowly taken away, I did say something tryied to talk to him about it quite often. He would give excuses like I'm tired, I'm sore, I'm not feeling good, I have to get up early ect. It became more and more of a problem. He wasn't helping with the cleaning and the physical contact wasn't as much. He says" he is tired and or sore ect so I wanted him happy so I did more so he didn't have to. I figured if I did more then he wouldn't be so tired for me.

I had a crappy childhood, mental, physical, emotional and sexual abuse. I know my childhood isn't an excuse. I had a low self esteem begin with, I have always had a hard time trusting anyone. He treated me better then how I had been treat my entire life before he came around, I was happy and felt I owed him everything and anything to make him happy in return.

I ask myself all time how it got to this point? How I allowed it to get to this point? Honestly I don't know. I do believe I deserve better then this. I never said I was prefect and that I wasn't taking blame for this relationship going down. I just haven't figured out how I allowed myself to be blinded and go along with this program. I do believe it take 2 to make a marriage work. I know in my heart of heart I have tried, tried talking, tried fixing, even convinced myself it was me and not him. Even after everything that has gone down, I am still second guessing myself.

Since everything went down 3 months ago, I don't take as my from him. Now expect him to help out around here. Most of the time I don't like being here when he is here, so I have been going out more, I think about myself more then I ever have before, I do stuff for myself, which I rarely ever did before.

Old 05-12-2010, 08:42 PM   #8
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Re: Need some advice with my relationship, I don't know what to do

I couldn't even get all the way through this without wanting to shake you! Why would you just roll over and let him do these things? I was watching a program the other day.....because everybody knows that daytime television is a VERY reliable source of information ......and they were talking about people with low self esteem and codependant issues. They said that codependant people are often NOT caught as "off guard" as they allow others to believe. That there is a lot in it for them to continue with the pattern. For instance, so you do all of this for your husband, and he treats you like dirt, but when you talk to your friends or family about it, they fawn all over you and tell you everything in the world you want to hear about yourself. Supposedly, it's a very deep process and most codependants have no clue that this is their behavior or cycle. Having said really need think about what's best for you right about now. Not giving him whatever he wants because, "all you've ever wanted was to make him happy", but get it in gear here and do something for YOU! And once you have accomplished that, and once this mess is over.....and mark my words, at some point this WILL all end.....take a LONG LONG LONG time to get to know yourself and what YOU want. I didn't do this, and I ended up in the worst of was aweful. You dont want to rebound from one bad situation to another, or even a worse one. And consider talking to a counselor for a while. Not necessarily for life, but for a couple months to kind of point you in the right direction. I think the fact that you came here shows you really want something better, but be honest about it and say you want it for you. I think that's where you need to start. Good luck.

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