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how to get over a grudge against my partner?

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Old 05-15-2010, 03:59 AM   #1
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violet999 HB User
how to get over a grudge against my partner?

My Husband and I have a baby, who is 8 months. We got married after she was born.

We were so in love and living happily together when his mom came to stay with us. She was OK till I got pregnant! (that's what I think).

I had to travel to my home country as my father was very ill during the 2nd month of my pregnancy. Before I left, i felt she was putting a lot of pressure on my partner, he was stressed often.

I spent a couple of months with my family, my partner came once for a few weeks.

I went back, but felt that i didnt want to have the baby away from my family as my partner's mother seemed to make my partners life, and mine miserable.

My partner has been brought up with family values, and honor, and he wouldnt say a word against his mom. He believed his mom was always right.

During my 7th month of pregnancy, we came back to my hometown to have the baby with my family. His mom came too... :S

I stayed with my family with my partner, and his mom stayed elsewhere. But she would come up with excuses to make him not come home to me.

She never said anything to me personally, but tried everything she could to come between me and her son. As a result, he was very hurtful and said and did things that hurt me a lot. He was never violent! I tried to tell him tactfully that he needs to tell his mother to go back, or we will not be able to make us work...

I had a long labor, he was there with me the whole time, but he was not the person i had fallen in love with. The whole experience was very bad!

He tried to push my parents away from me... they saw how he treated me and didnt like him.

After my baby was born, my partner didnt come home, he stayed with his mother and may visit a few hours every other day! His mother only visited once, and that was after a week to see her grand child.

Then she tried to put the doubt in my partners head by saying the baby may not be his! (we are mixed he's white and i'm black). Anyone looking at our daughter could see the resemblance to him. She was trying to get him to leave me. When he told this, i was very hurt, cause he couldnt stand up to his daughter and me and tell his mother to shut pu and leave us!!

I told my partner that he has to choose. Either stay with us... or go with his mother. But that if he goes, he would be out of our lives for good. I also gave him a sample of my daughter's hair and told him to give it to his mom and ask to do a DNA test if she want. cause i dont!

After lot of tears and sleepless nights, he decided to stay with me and the baby. His mother left. (now there's no contact)

As time went by, he realized what his mom had tried to do... and hates her with a vengeance!

We got married a couple of months back. My family & my husband are still not in good terms..

All this was caused by the influence of his mother. He is a gentle loving person, who became influenced by his mom. I was patient, I wanted us to work, I wanted our daughter to know her father..

But now, my husband tells me that i'm emotionally cold, that he feels i dont need him. That he doesnt feel that I love him... and that I'm keeping a grudge against him for all that he had done..

Maybe he's right. I was open and vulnerable before... now i have let my guard up. Dont want to be expose myself to that kind of hurt again.

But i would like to move on. I love my husband very much, he's wonderful with our daughter, & i'd like us to work... how do I move past all those hurtful things to enjoy life with him again??

How do I let go... and appreciate who he is now?

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Old 05-20-2010, 07:27 PM   #2
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Re: how to get over a grudge against my partner?

Originally Posted by violet999 View Post

I told my partner that he has to choose. Either stay with us... or go with his mother. But that if he goes, he would be out of our lives for good.

How do I let go... and appreciate who he is now?
Well alot of people have viewed this, but no one has attempted your thread, so I'll give it a shot.

You should start by not putting ultimatums on your husband in the future, i.e., that if he does such-and-such, he'll never see his child again, etc. It isn't even an option on a legal standpoint, the court system would determine that. That is a very ineffective way of communicating. Threatening someone is not going to get you what you want, it's actually counterproductive, and will push them away eventually. So, now whenever something comes up, you and your husband need to have a frank discussion and each of you need to put all your cards on the table. Not just that, but tell your husband why you feel the way you do and the reasons for your position. If you tell him the logic behind it, it will help him to better understand, rather than just telling him your emotional feelings.

As for what he did to you, I can definitely understand why you are hurt. Even though he never laid a hand on you, verbal/ emotional mistreatment does far more damage than physical abuse ever could.

Sometimes men who are close to their mothers are put in a difficult place when it comes to feuding between their spouse and their mother. A part of him may have felt a bit more loyalty to her at the time and that's why he "didn't stick up for you and the baby". I'm not excusing his behavior, but maybe he felt obligated to stick by her since she birthed and raised him.

As far as how to let go... in your post, I don't think you mentioned that you had forgiven him. If you have not, you need to in order to move on with your lives together. The longer you hang on to your resentment, the deeper your relationship with him will sink. If you don't forgive him eventually, your marriage will not work in the long run.

Try to focus your mind on who he is now and what he does and says now, not what he said/did in the past. If I recall correctly, he has apologized to you and has told you he is going to be true to you now, not his mother. I know those memories are stored in your mind and you'll never forget them, you can't control that. But you can control what you think about. So, think about what he is saying/doing now. You just have to learn to love him as a whole. I know that you say you love him, but you must love him as a whole.

It's good that your husband is caring for the child and attempting to make things work. Perhaps some counseling is in need for the two of you. I hope that this helps in some way.

Blessings to you.

Last edited by justkeeppraying; 05-20-2010 at 07:38 PM.

Old 05-20-2010, 08:14 PM   #3
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Re: how to get over a grudge against my partner?

OMG! I could have written this! I had this same mother inlaw! All the same stuff......only mine even went as far as to blatently lie. She couldn't keep up with all her lies and eventually got caught. I feel for you.

Ok, now down to business. First of all, lets be fair, it's terribly hard to hold a grudge against him when in some ways, you've are guilty of the same. You went to your family, your family doesn't like him....let me guess, sometkimes they find all sorts of reasons why you shouldnt even stay married to him, let alone live with him right now! Yeah, it kinda goes both ways.

However, I also understand that your family has your best intentions at hand and are absolutely there for you. When I went through this, I pulled very very close to my family as well.

The problem with all of this is that when you get married, that is ther person who is supposed to be your number 1! The two of you have let too many people into your marraige with all of their opinions of what is right, what is wrong, and who likes who. It has caused serious damage and it doesn't matter who did what first anymore because both of you are guilty. I think a little marraige counseling would go a long way here. It seems that both of you love each other, and want it to work, however, somewhere along the way, you stopped doing what was right for the two of you, and you guys started trying to please your families. I think if you could learn again how to rely on each other, you will then be able to move forward. You might even find yourselves a little stronger.

I would like to add just one thing here. If I were you, and I'm only saying this out of past experience, I think once the two of you are doing better, I would encourage him to make amends with his mother. It's never a good thing to be happy about such a separation, even if it is completely justified. My husband cut ties with his mother, and the last thing she ever said to him was that she would never look at his face again so long as he lived. He died 6 weeks later. Now, I hate that woman to this day, and I hate everything she tried to do. However, being a mom, and knowing that my husband was an only child, no matter what I feel for her, it doesn't feel right. She was his mother. She kissed his booboo's when he was a baby. She sang him to sleep at night and read him bedtime stories. As much as I cant stand her, I cant imagine what she must feel. Now, I dont go near her today, she believes that I hired a hitman to mess with my own car, knowing my husband was going to take it to work the following day so that he would die because I was having an affair with my husbands best friend who was the real father of the my 3rd son who'm I was pregnant with at the time. Insane? I think so, but it doesnt stop her from telling this story to people over and over again. And even in spite of that, I wish things would have ended between her and my husband on better terms. And I hope you can bring everything back together in a more peaceable manner. Good luck to you.

Old 05-21-2010, 01:34 AM   #4
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Re: how to get over a grudge against my partner?

I understand you have your guard up, but remember he chose you.

No matter how wrong his mother was she's still his mother and that must have been hard for him to cut her off completely. He saw through her in the end and made the choice to be with you and your daughter.

As for your husband and your family, you have to talk to them.

Tell your husband that your family were only thinking of you while all the bad stuff was going on, they didn't want to see you hurt. All they saw was that he was causing you pain and upset and they'll need some time to start trusting him again.

Explain to your family that you've made your choice, to be with the father of your baby, and you want to make this work. He's made his choice, his mother holds no influence over him anymore, and while you understand that they're worried he will hurt you again, this is your choice and you'd like for them to respect that. For your sake and your daughters sake.

If peace isn't made between your husband and family then you have the risk of them coming between you like your mother-in-law did, and I'm sure you don't want that to happen.

Old 07-01-2010, 06:14 AM   #5
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violet999 HB User
Re: how to get over a grudge against my partner?

Thank you for your replies,

I'm trying... it's easier said than done!

Even if we manage to solve our issues and move on, the external factors like my family's hostility doesn't help!

Old 07-01-2010, 08:01 AM   #6
River rocks
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Re: how to get over a grudge against my partner?

I agree with Justmel.... and I learned this from experience. When you get married, you become a team, and all the other influences, includung blood family, has to come second. For a marriage to work, you have to put each other first. Both you and your husband have allowed your parents to interfere. You both have to put up some boundaries agaist them.

It is just too easy to be influenced by parents opinions, likes and dslikes, etc. Of course, if someone was being abused that is a different story, then family should interfere. But if there is no mistreatment going on, then family really needs to take a back seat to how you treat each other.

My boyfriend and I (together almost 4 years now) have a saying. Its us against the world. Not that we are fighting the world or angry or anything. Its just a way of saying that we are untited together as a team, and we won't let family, friends, or circumstances put a wedge between us. We have to stick together!

To be fair, your husband did choose you and your baby over his mom. I imagine he has been in a very difficult position. He had to choose between his new family and his own mom. Now on top of that, he has to deal with hostility from your family. And even more...negativity from you. Perhaps you might consider what he HAS done for you, instead of dwelling in the past. Otherwise he might feel that you don't respect and appreciate him, and without respect and appreciation a relationship will certainly fail.

Try it.. put aside your hurt from that past. Focus on him in the present. Is he a good provider? Is he a good lover? Does he treat you well? Is he caring? Think and focus on the good in him. When you focus on the positive, the positive grows and the negative fades.

Good luck, and and he and your baby are family # 1, and with all due respect....everyone else can politely take the back burner!

Last edited by River rocks; 07-01-2010 at 08:03 AM.

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