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Should I tell her he cheated?? Please help.

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Old 05-29-2010, 01:08 PM   #1
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HL887 HB User
Should I tell her he cheated?? Please help.

I started getting really really close to one of my guy friends, then we began to get intimate . Then at a New years eve party he got with my best friend. Having not really told anyone about our relationship I couldn't really be angry at her but then everything came out him and I. He eventually asked my friend out a few months later and she said yes despite knowing how strong my feelings were.

To put a long story short, I cheated with him whilst we were both wasted. I felt so guilty but by the time I realized what had happened he'd already refuted any rumors about anything happening so I went along with it thinking it was just a one off. For the next six months he and I went from extremes of not talking for weeks even MONTHS at a time as I tried to get him out of my system, to being intimate as he repeatedly told me that it was me he liked and that he was going to break up with my friend to be with me (it really screwed with my head).

I want to make it clear that as soon as my friend started seeing this guy our friendship ended (and has never recovered). We barely spoke and when we did it was strained and forced on both sides. HOWEVER I did not do any of it out of spite, I was completely messed up over him. He is very manipulative and he knew me well enough to completely shatter my confidence. Looking back now I realize that I was completely under his control and that's exactly how he wanted it to be - it was a very emotionally abusive 'relationship' (for lack of a better word). The way I acted over those six months was completely out of character for me and it's something I regret every day. The last week of the 'affair' regrettably resulted in sexual intercourse, after this it was too much and I broke it off with him and told him not to contact me at all.

Despite the fact that I ended the 'affair' as it were and all contact (despite him trying to stay in contact) last summer I still feel so bad and guilty. The only person I've told is my BF who I've been with happily in a loving relationship for 9 months. Other than him no one else knows about it and I don't know what to do as they're still together. I just don't want my former friend to waste anymore time on him but I don't want her to get hurt either, he's also been seen cheating on her with a number of other girls (this being after I ended it with him) but no one's told her about any of those. I'm worried she'll end up wasting so much time on him.

What should I do? Should I tell her or hope they break up in their own time without her finding out and getting hurt? Am I a bad person? I think about what I did everyday.

Last edited by Administrator; 06-14-2010 at 10:13 PM. Reason: removed inappropriate identifying details.

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Old 05-29-2010, 01:45 PM   #2
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justmel30 HB User
Re: Should I tell her he cheated?? Please help.

Since the two of you arent friends anymore, and since you are in a new, happy relationship, I would leave it be. I dont for one minute buy that you are worried about her, not anymore then I believe that you had any regrets about getting with this guy. There are to many "shoulda's" here to go into them all, and whats done is done. I think the best thing you can do is leave it alone. And if for some reason you really feel the need to clear your concience, I'd go to a preist before I'd tell her. The two of you have allready done enough damage to both each other, as well as yourselves.

Last edited by Administrator; 06-14-2010 at 10:15 PM.

Old 05-29-2010, 01:57 PM   #3
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HL887 HB User
Re: Should I tell her he cheated?? Please help.

Thank you for your comment but one thing I will say is I am worried about her. I know how manipulative this guy can be and I don't want her to waste her time on him any longer. He's controlling and manipulative which gives me every reason to worry. Thank you again.

Old 05-29-2010, 02:34 PM   #4
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Re: Should I tell her he cheated?? Please help.

In my opinion it's just best to leave it alone, you're out of that mess and if this other girl wants to continue the relationship that's her problem, especially since you're in a happy relationship currently, why bring up old drama? not only that but since you guys aren't friendly she may see it as you trying to break them up.

it isn't your problem, dont worry about it.

Old 05-29-2010, 02:44 PM   #5
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Re: Should I tell her he cheated?? Please help.

Unfortunately, even though at the time you probably thought you were entitled because you had him first, the fact that you messed with him while you knew your friend was with him and had feelings for him makes you just as much of a bad guy, even more of a bad guy, than him in her eyes. anything you could possibly say to her about him would only be seen by her as the bitter rantings of a scorned woman who only wants to destroy her happiness because she got the man you wanted. She probably still thinks of you as a liar and betrayer, and to be brutally honest, I can't say I blame her. you did betray her when you messed with this guy after he had become her man. Very sad, but unfortunately, women do this all the time. Stab each other in the back over some loser cheeseduck who doesn't really give a rip about either of them to begin with.

I think you just have to chalk this one up to lessons learned. You were not a good friend to her, and it doesnt' matter why, and that means anything you say about this guy now no longer has any credibility. She will find out for herself what kind of loser jerk he is in her own time. The time to have been concerned for her welfare was when you were boinging him after she had started going out with him, and her time to be a friend to you was when she first found out you and he had something going on and he was disloyal to you on her account. Neither one of you chose your friendship at that time. It's too late to do so now. Let it go and move on.

Last edited by Administrator; 06-14-2010 at 10:17 PM.

Old 06-10-2010, 04:15 PM   #6
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brandnew6 HB User
Re: Should I tell her he cheated?? Please help.


If it were me.. Id want to know.. Id rather be ****** off and hurt then not know my boyfriend im with cheated on me... I would actually thank you for telling me... How could you keep that to yourself... knowing that this guy has done this to someone you use to be friends with.. He messed you both over, screwing with your feelings ruining your friendship obviously, do her the favor in letting her know and see the side you see in him. Get her away from him before she wastes anymore time.. PLEASE! GOSH, I really hope you have a good conscious and tell this girl about all the things this guy has done, or she will spend her life being miserable. I can promise you she's not even happy, but just looking for a reason to go, and you could be it. Why would you leave her suffering? When you know there's something better out there for her? Woudl you want someone to leave you in that type of relationship? or help you? C'mon think about it? what would you want her to do for you? let you stay with that lying scum bag? or be the true friend she once was to you, and let you know, whether you were a part of it or not? PLEASE tell her, I know what that feels like. Ive been that girl in her shoes and I'd wanna know.

Last edited by Administrator; 06-14-2010 at 10:20 PM. Reason: derogatory comments removed.

Old 06-14-2010, 08:37 PM   #7
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ctnc1234 HB User
Re: Should I tell her he cheated?? Please help.

HL...YES!!! Tell her! Would you want her to tell you that the man you cared deeply about, didn't love you in the same way, and was cheating? Give her that choice. Yes she will be angry...wouldn't you? The longer you wait the harder it will be for her to let go. If you really will tell her. Then you can move on with your life with a clear concious.

Old 06-15-2010, 09:09 AM   #8
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Re: Should I tell her he cheated?? Please help.

I follow the motto that if I would want to know..... So... I'd tell her.

What you have to realize is she will probably dislike you even more and that she may not do what you think she may do - which is break it off with him.

There is a mix here of doing what you think is the right thing and maybe a bit of "I'll get him". You may not have feelings for him but often we want to "get" the other person by exposing them for the creep that they are.

I know for me, if someone is getting away with being a cheater, I know that until people speak up instead of staying out of it then cheaters will continue to hurt people because they know that nobody will expose them.

Last edited by cathy1; 06-15-2010 at 09:11 AM.

Old 06-15-2010, 09:54 PM   #9
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Re: Should I tell her he cheated?? Please help.

I know people have honestly good intentions by telling people to keep infidelities to themselves. But having been the girl whose being cheated on.... I'd want to know. It is a horrible feeling to know that your life has been a lie in many ways, that everything you thought you knew isn't true, that people you thought you could trust you shouldn't have. Please tell her, but do it very kindly and be prepared for her to be angry.

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