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Lonely and confused

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Old 06-13-2010, 03:29 AM   #1
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1
Em26 HB User
Lonely and confused

The past few months I have been feeling extremely lonely and upset and everything in the future seems so bleak. I finished my last year of high school last year and during my final years of high school I was dating a boy where the whole relationship turned into a nightmare. Everything was fine in the beginning but he soon became jealous, obsessive and overpowering. He began to start fights over little things and if I tried to work it out it would get worse. He demanded I spent every minute with him and would even check up on me at work to make sure I was there and not somewhere else.

I had endless amounts of calls from him and would call everyone I knew to ask them where I was or why I wasnít picking up my phone. If an argument happened whilst I was speaking to him on the phone at night, it wouldnít be resolved until I saw him. He would even call my home phone non stop at early hours of the morning or even turn up at my door at 3am and demand that I see him and work out the argument that would have originated from something minor. I wasnít allowed to talk or sit to any boys or go out with my friends without him or it would become a massive fight. This went on for about a year and a half until he became so unstable that he was hitting things and basically going mental when he was angry at me and I knew it was time to call it quits as I was so afraid of making him angry that I was becoming an emotional wreck.

I got help from a councillor at my school because I could not focus on anything but the relationship and it was interfering in every aspect of my life. I could not sleep without having nightmares. After he knew I did not want to be with him, he would yell at me at school and say extremely nasty things to me.

I have had a couple other relationships since but have ended them as I did not think I could handle them after such a rocky relationship. It is more than a year later and I am out of school and working full time. I know I am much better off and happier without this person in my life and I have no contact with my ex nor have I seen him since school. This is good however a lot of my close friends are friends with his friends and now they all go out together and I donít know what to do. I made friends with another group of people that have been extremely helpful to get my mind off things but I do not get along with them as I did with the previous group. I feel so upset that my friends see my ex and his friends and ask me to join even when they know I do not want to see him. I have lost a lot of friends because of this and many of them do not understand that even though time has passed that all the happenings of the relationship have impacted on me so much. I thought this year would be better and with time I could get over everything myself but I know this is still affecting me more than a year later. I feel so lonely and upset that I just want to move away and start a new life. I donít want to feel like this anymore. If anyone has any advice on how to get over this that would be much appreciated.

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Old 06-13-2010, 11:49 AM   #2
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 16
*mister* HB User
Re: Lonely and confused

Em, I am sorry you are going through so much pain at your young age. Thank goodness the high school counselor helped you get out of that toxic relationship. Your exBF's abusive, jealous, and unstable behavior sounds like some of the classic traits of BPD (borderline personality disorder), which my exW suffers from. Whether the traits are so severe as to warrant a diagnosis of full-blown BPD is something that only a professional can determine.

I can think of two things that may help you. One is to go to a therapist who is highly recommended by a doctor or a friend you trust. Because therapists charge on a sliding scale for various income levels, it may not be as expensive as you think. I believe a therapist can teach you ways of building stronger personal boundaries so that you don't become so easily enmeshed with the feelings and problems of other people. Like you, I have had to learn how to do that -- after spending 15 years trying to save my exW from BPD -- an impossible task because I was incapable of fixing her.

A second thing that may help is to read about BPD traits. It will help you identify the red flags so that, when you are dating, you will feel more confident about your ability to avoid ending up with another abusive man. Recognizing the red flags is important because, for a honeymoon period of up to six months, BPDers typically hide all their abusive tendencies and, instead, will mirror all your likes and dislikes -- appearing to be your "soul mate."

Understanding the traits also will give you a new understanding of your exBF's behavior, thereby making it seem less frightening. His insistence on immediately resolving all arguments, for example, likely was due to his great fear of abandonment. Hence, unless an argument was resolved (even if it meant going to your home at 3:00 a.m.), he likely was in great pain at the thought of losing you. My exW, for example, would be awake all night when an argument went unresolved.

Moreover, his wanting you around 24/7 likely was due to two hallmark traits of BPD: the fear of being alone and the inability to trust. If you would like to read more about BPD, just Google for it online.

You will find that there was absolutely nothing you could have done to help your exBF. You will find that -- due to his inability to handle intimacy -- trying to heal him by loving him was as productive as trying to heal a burn patient by hugging him. You will find stories written by a world of people just like you -- and like me -- who suffered in such a toxic relationship.

And you will find -- as you learn why you lowered your personal boundaries to make yourself so vulnerable -- that you will be stronger than you were before the relationship. Indeed, you may gain an insight into basic human behavior that most other women don't achieve in a lifetime.

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