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  • Mental anguish... feeling numb

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    Old 07-17-2010, 09:17 PM   #1
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    Mental anguish... feeling numb

    For the past 6-7 years, I have been sick with kidney infections (re-current). As a result, my mom had to quit her job to stay home with me. However, she blames me for having no money, does not believe I have anything wrong (It's all in my head, she says), and has just been extremely unloving towards me. She says I'm a failure because I had to quit school and that I'll be worth nothing.

    Two months ago, she kicked me out because I finally got angry enough where I said something about it, and decided I didn't have to take it. I'm 19 years old, I could leave home if I wanted, and I had friends who were willing to take me in in NC. Instead, she kicked me out onto the streets, so broken and depressed, I got in contact with my friends who came to get me.

    I am now in NC.

    I was offered a rather good job out here and a chance to get my HS diploma and college stuff for free. I was so happy and excited to tell my mom, thinking I'd get her approval, but to my shock, I didn't. She did not like it, and I broke again.

    Last week, we started talking again. She was in a good mood and being very nice and caring/loving to me, and I told her once I started getting my paycheck (next week), I would send her money, because my younger brother and her are in a financial crisis since she had to quit her job years ago, and now the food benefits are gone..

    Well, to make a long story short, last night, she asked me why I hadn't got my check yet. I told her the truth; I had to get an ID first before I could get on the payroll, and she had only just sent my SS card/Birth certificate which I desperately needed to get going on the job. She starts going on how "Because you were sick, I have no money now!" Feeling the blame again, I asked her how it was my fault. She told me it just was, and that she'd never get over the fact that I take everything from her.

    I broke, and maybe for the last time..

    It's a day later, and I've been crying since last night. This morning, I woke up feeling numb and detached, and have been all day. I can't feel physical objects and nothing is in my body but the mental anguish in my heart that feels numb and empty, and I feel myself slipping away.. I feel myself breaking down, and I'm so scared and want to fight it, but at the same time, I want it because I'm a coward, and would not be able to go through on committing suicide, this is an easier thing to do, just to let myself slip away and not give a damn what happens. I just don't care. I don't know why I'm even fighting to stay in my right mind when I feel myself letting go and I want to just let go. I feel like I'm not even existing.. I feel like I'm just sitting here without being here. Mentally, I feel like I'm gone. I'm only holding on, just a small part of me is.

    My father (who I recently just got on good terms with after a childhood of his physical/emotional abuse) is terrified, and begged me not to go. Begged me not to do this to him. But I don't think I can fight it... my mind is too weak, too damaged to fight it. It's taking all my will-power to just not let go.. how do I fight this, whatever it is? I've had a history of depression/anxiety in the past over the childhood abuse, but this feels different. This feels like I can't even function as a human being.

    I can't live with the fact that all my mom wants is my money and has no love for me. I can't exist without her love. I can have anyone's, anyone's at all, but I need hers. I want hers. I just can't go on without her love and approval, and I feel maybe if I shut down, maybe then she'll care..

    But I'm scared of it.. what's happening to me?

    Last edited by KoscheixSigma; 07-17-2010 at 09:50 PM.

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    Old 07-18-2010, 12:00 AM   #2
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    Re: Mental anguish... feeling numb

    I dont even know where to start, other then to tell you that getting sick is absolutely not your fault. I think you need to see a counselor, a.s.a.p. I am no where near qualified to help you through something like this, but if you could just hang on and get yourself some help, I think you will be very thankful for it further down the line. I'm not going to trash talk your mom, or anything like that, but I will say that I think she's wrong. Go get some help, call a crisis line, something.....but dont just sit there and let this take you down. Good luck

    Old 07-18-2010, 12:22 PM   #3
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    Re: Mental anguish... feeling numb

    I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I agree that you need to get some one-on-one help but one thing I'd like to ask you to think about. You mentioned that your father is begging you to be strong and stay here. It sounds like he has changed and the relationship between you and him has changed. So consider that if things have changed for the good between the two of you, it can also change for the good between you and your Mom. But you have to stay around for that to happen.

    It sounds like you have some wonderful friends who were there for you when you needed them. And now you have a job at a time when so many can't find one. Try not to pin all of your emotions on your Mom. If you get help and it turns out your Mom is ill herself (mental illness), you will have to accept that and find a way to cope. You know how wrong it's been for her to blame you for being sick, right? Well it's very unfair at your age but you might have to find a way to forgive your Mom for her behavior.

    Please give this time to change. It will. And find yourself someone professional to talk to even if it's just an 800 number type thing for now. You deserve for things to get better!

    Old 07-18-2010, 01:17 PM   #4
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    Re: Mental anguish... feeling numb

    I think this problem is probably beyond the scope of the kind of help thayt people could give you here. If you're truly feeling this bad, like you're losing touch with reality, then its really important to check yourself into a psychiatric clinic. The people there will be far more qualified to help you than anyone here. We're just a bunch of amateurs with opinions based on our own experiences. I don't think anyone here is a medical professional.

    Old 07-18-2010, 01:27 PM   #5
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    Re: Mental anguish... feeling numb

    I have a cousin and friends daughter who are this way. Some parents are. shocking as it is. Sometimes you cannot pick the family you have but ou can pick your support system. If you are that sick go and apply for SSI. I know the economy is bad but you and her seem toxic to each other. I can only suggest trying to get psych help and learn to not let it get you down and ditto for her. Try to make the best of bad situation but it is tough when the other person is putting you down. Some peole cut themselves off from family because of things like this. I cannot fathom it but it happens. I am so sorry.

    Last edited by hb-mod; 07-18-2010 at 01:48 PM. Reason: Removed Quote, please use "Quick Reply" rather than "Quote Reply"

    Old 07-18-2010, 07:12 PM   #6
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    Re: Mental anguish... feeling numb

    Kosch, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't really know what to say. I do know what it's like to feel like you so desperately need the love of someone who just won't or can't love you. I think in your mother's case, she sounds like a very defeated, broken person who made unwise choices in her life and didn't know how to manage her own life, and doesn't know what else to do but blame you. I know she's your mom, and the little girl in you loves and needs her to love you, but honey, doing this to yourself is like being stranded out in a blizzard in a car that doesn't work and instead of getting out and thumbing for a ride or getting out your cell phone and calling a cab or a friend, you're insisting on sitting in that broken car, trying to get it to start, insisting that's the only way you will ever get out of the storm. But it's not. Your mother is broken, and you simply have to stop depending on her love to give you a reason to live your life.

    You have a father who, although it sounds like he wasn't always the greatest father, but he's there for you now, and you have friends who were willing to come get you and you have a good job lined up. You DO have things in our life worth fighting for, worth hanging on for. Please don't throw it away just because one sick, broken, sad, defeated person can't love you the way you want her to. You have way too much to lose. You are in the driver's seat of your own life now. You don't owe her anything, and you don't need to earn her love in order to be happy and to be worth something. Hang tough.

    Old 07-19-2010, 08:35 AM   #7
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    Re: Mental anguish... feeling numb

    I am very sorry for your pain. I can't imagine your sadness and lonliness, but I hope that you know there is hope out there, it's just a matter of finding the right help.
    As for your illness, how are you doing now? Have the infections been cured for good? How awful that you suffered with that and your mom blamed you.
    Like the others have mentioned, it sound vital that you see a doctor not only for your health but to get a good referal to a psychiatrist or psychologisy to battle what sounds like major depression.

    I know it seems impossible to see or feel it, but there is hope and love and light beyond what you are not feeling right now. Please hang inthere and seek help today.

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