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sigh77 07-20-2010 10:09 PM

boyfriend responds to personal ads...
I know this topic has been posted online, trust me, I've just searched and read about all of them. I guess I just wanted to post my own too.

I've been dating someone for 10 months, have not spent more than a random few days apart. We've lived together and been happy for the most part, there are some issues but things were going great.

I received three forwarded emails of conversations between him and craigslist W4M ads. Basically he searches and responds to them, asks for a picture and goes back and forth about meeting or $ or whatever, but they all end without any plans being made. (who forwarded me the emails is another conversation, but almost 100% sure it's his ex who is crazy *she did warn me when we first started dating that he did this with her). Randomly I found a downloaded photo from the same weekend/time frame, after the fact.

I was upset and kicked him out, then cooled down a few days later and we discussed things. he said he'd try to re-gain my trust, that he was sorry etc. so I let him back into my life but not more than two days later, I saw on his phone (again, not looking for it) right in front of him, that he had searched strip clubs, I then took his phone and searched and found more of the same from the entire week, including the day after we "made up" and he said he'd change.

I flipped out. I don't think he is meeting these people, he's with me all the time and I truly don't believe that. But what would drive him to do these things? He says he's bored, yet I'm not boring! I try to have sex with him or hint at it and we barely do, he says it's laziness. That is the big issue and now this. Again, not trying to defend him, but I don't think he's getting it on the side. I'm just so confused. I feel like this is mental cheating but I'm so torn as to what to do and how to forgive, if that's what I choose to do. How do I trust him again? I told him tonight that I'm very close to saying good bye. I just want to feel good about what decision I make, and neither one seems good at the moment.

sorry for the long rant.... trust me it could go a lot longer! :(

Larrylou'smom 07-20-2010 10:42 PM

Re: boyfriend responds to personal ads...
Well, as long as you know he's not actually going out and doing anything with these women, can you get past the fact that he likes to fllirt online? It doesn't sound like he really has any intention of stopping. You can forgive him if you really want to, but I think it would be a mistake to expect him to change. In this case, forgiving him would mean accepting that this is just part of who he is, and if you want to stay with him, you need to just grin and bear his online flirting with other women. Only you can decide whether you want to deal with that or if you really want a man who only has eyes for you and who doesn't need the sexy attention of other women all the time.

So, how does his ex have access to his emails, and how does she have your email address? And please beware of men who have a bunch of "crazy" exes. The common denominator is him. A man who has a string of girlfriends who are all "crazy" is most likely really just a man who has lied and used and done wrong by a bunch of women, and these women are just hurt and angry and looking for answers and/or closure.

Kszan 07-20-2010 10:44 PM

Re: boyfriend responds to personal ads...
Maybe he's not meeting them but does that really matter? What he is doing is still totally unacceptable when in a relationship and you need to tell him you're done with this. He's bored? Really?

Ten months is not a very long time at all. If he is bored already then its not going to get any better. He will lie to you and say he'll quit but the fact is that he will keep doing it because he has no integrity. The guy is a chump and you need to dump him. Why would you even consider staying at this point when he has already told you he is bored? Wouldn't you rather have a bf who actually enjoys spending time with you and who isn't going to be arranging meetings with other girls online? His behavior is not normal and his excuses are so lame, I can't imagine why anyone would want to date such a lame guy? He's a nobody and you should not stay with him nor forgive him nor trust him anymore. He is a liar and he will keep lying and going behind your back. Don't waste your time anymore with this jerk!

StenoLady1 07-21-2010 05:01 AM

Re: boyfriend responds to personal ads...
You said you've only got two choices, and whatever you choose, you need to feel good about, right?

Let's look at trying to make a go of the relationship once again. He's already gone back to his ways only two days after apologizing and working on regaining your trust. So this is obviously something he's into. You'll have to get used to the fact he finds you and your relationship "boring." I assume you're looking at this guy as long-term material if he's living with you and you're willing to put up with this shi -- nonsense. Who's to say what he's going to find "exciting" in ten years? Will he be meeting these women? I think if you go this road, you'll need to prepare yourself for an open relationship and stock up on plenty of condoms. Insist he get STD tested in the weeks leading up to you trying to conceive, because Lord only knows what his activities will have been. I mean, so soon into your courting/dating phase, he was already bored with you, what you offered him and he's off responding to personal/stripper ads.

Ugh, what a keeper! Really, I can see what a difficult decision this is for you :dizzy:

Sarcasm aside, what's the other option? You throw this one back to the sea and let him be some other woman's problem. You realize you're worth more than being treated like something on the bottom of his shoe. You listen to him: "I'm bored." You move on to someone who finds you exciting and interesting, someone who wouldn't dream of lying to your face about responding to strippers' personal ads ... geez, only two days after he promised not to do that anymore :rolleyes:

I'm sure you realize you deserve much, much better.

sharzy 07-21-2010 05:39 AM

Re: boyfriend responds to personal ads...
if your boyfiend wants to go to a strip club let him.
whats the harm in looking and chatting.
say you've done it yourself.
the man has to have a life besides you

rosequartz 07-21-2010 07:30 AM

Re: boyfriend responds to personal ads...
get rid of this clown!
he's a big time loser who is only concerned with himself

sigh77 07-21-2010 12:00 PM

Re: boyfriend responds to personal ads...

I think I may have been able to forgive and work on it. But the trust was already shaky and then he didn't stop. pretty much done, that's the only conclusion I keep coming to. thanks

River rocks 07-21-2010 12:36 PM

Re: boyfriend responds to personal ads...
Contacting these women on Craigslist should have been your final deal breaker. Because in the future, if he gets even more "bored" or fights with you or whatever, he can go and actually hook up with them...and then he can always fall back on the lie "I only email them" and how would you ever know the difference? Trust me...if a man decides to cheat he will find a crevice of time in the day somewhere to do it.

Ten months is not a lifetime of investment. Be grateful that are not married with children. You can cut this off now before you are too invested. He's not going to change, my friend. He is only going to continue down this path until he finally gets physical with them.

xpcandy 07-21-2010 01:31 PM

Re: boyfriend responds to personal ads...
10 months is barely even long enough to decide if you like someone or not. You should realize this guy's not the kind of person to make any relationship with unless you're into swinging and the such...:dizzy:

resolution09 07-21-2010 04:10 PM

Re: boyfriend responds to personal ads...
I'm just curious: does his crazy ex say he followed through? or was he just window shopping while with her?

Stay, don't stay. I honestly can understand it being a difficult decision if you get along well. When there's not a lot of fighting it's hard to leave over a single issue, especially when he's only sort of dancing around really even doing that "thing". (Hasn't the internet been wonderful in creating a whole new status on sorta/kinda cheating...) But just consider that he's doing this 1) with you after doing it with at least one woman before 2) he's doing this when he has little sexual energy for you 3) he's not going to stop so you have to be the one to accept the condition of his doing this (and sorry, but even if you get him to agree to stop, he won't) and 4)...and this is the biggie to me, he's doing this while you are happy together. Imagine what he'll do when the relationship gets stale.

Go forward with eyes open. Good luck.

xpcandy 07-21-2010 06:49 PM

Re: boyfriend responds to personal ads...
What's that they say...don't be so open minded that your brains fall out. I think people have become so open minded about things that wouldn't for one second be tolerated in the past are suddenly OK? I just don't get it?

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