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  • With me, it's all or nothing.

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    Old 07-24-2010, 07:58 AM   #1
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    With me, it's all or nothing.

    Hi folks - thanks for reading. I need some advice. This man I'm seeing for about 4 months and I are a pretty good match, no kids, no previous marriages or engagements, etc. I say 'pretty good match' because this man has his head and heart tied up in the death of his father 1 year ago. He is not consistently emotionally stable. He and I met on a dating website, so I feel annoyed that he put himself out there and I am exactly what he wants but he can not devote all the attention I deserve to me because sometimes he finds it hard to do anything. I understand this as I have been there before. I have been depressed and I know what its like to hear everyone tell you it will be ok and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You're sure they're right but you just can't see it yourself. I know that in time things will get better. I am fully aware that if I want to date someone now I should and can. I would personally rather not find someone through a dating website, but I know it is widely accepted and more and more common in todays world. I could and may go back to the website to see who else is there, but I really want to stick it out right now for this guy because he is so much of what I am looking. So now that I have told you I don't want to look elsewhere but I am not opposed to seeing someone else if the opportunity came along (and this new potential person that would steal current guys thunder would have to be absolutely amazing for me to redirect my attention) I am struggling with the idea of 'one day at a time'. He says he misses me and that I am wonderful and beautiful. Our schedules conflict so usually when I want to see him on short notice, he is unavailable. He doesn't reserve a day with me in the future too much because he himself is taking things one day at a time. He doesn't know how he will feel a week from now, so he doesn't want to plan something in fear that he may find it hard to stop crying or get out of bed that day. I have encouraged him to get help (yeah for him, but come on - for my sake too!) and he said thank you for keeping an eye on me, i do need to get help, you're right. so now it's up to him, he has to go do it. Especially on the weekends, I would love to see him but like I said sometimes he is busy. I get so bored and I try to do stuff to occupy myself but I have a hard time not thinking about what he is doing or checking my phone to see if he messaged me. A lot of times when a whole day goes by without hearing from him, he has been spending time with family and trying to cope.
    I wish I could just be content with the frequency that I see him because I know that is what he needs. I haven't been at it with this guy for long enough to give up. He isn't stringing me along, he isn't seeing other women. I can guarantee this. Last weekend I told him I needed some solitude and that I was turning my phone off and that I would talk to him in a few days. At the end of that day, he sent me an email saying he hoped I was ok, that he missed me and to come back to him. I want to be there for him because that is the person I am. I don't want to be a b**ch and say I can't talk to you for a bit because there's too much going on in my head with this right now (especially this week as it is the 1 year anniversary of his fathers death. It is possible that after this week things could really change. the anticipation of this has been super difficult.) Maybe I don't need to explain my absence? Maybe I just need to turn the phone off and come back to it when I am ready and if he sends me messages like "where are you are you ok????" I just tell him the phone died and I didn't realize it. Or I left it in my other purse. I don't want to be a liar and I don't lie about anything, but there's an odd mix of emotions in this "relationship" and we're not even an official couple yet. Personally, he's got me hooked - I want to know more. I am emotionally stable and willing and able to see him more. I want to get to know him more so I can decide if I want to pursue him long term. But I can't do that if he doesn't let me see him. I don't want to walk away because I don't know what I'm walking away from. I'm optimistic that he could be a great partner. Sometimes I think the space he needs is actually really perfect for me right now because I need to focus on myself and some personal issues and having plenty of time to do that is ideal. However, I like companionship and like I said I want to get to know him more and that would involve seeing him more.
    This is where the subject of this post comes from -all or nothing. I have a hard time with the in between. I have a hard time with the fact that we flirt and talk and connect...yet we're not bf/gf. I have a hard time with seeing him once a week...but no more than that. Any advice?

    Last edited by sognoazzuro; 07-24-2010 at 08:00 AM.

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    Old 07-24-2010, 08:44 AM   #2
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    Re: With me, it's all or nothing.

    Well, lots of things going on here for you, but I'll throw in my two cents...

    First of all, I think at the end of the day, a man who is emotionally unavailable and not ready for a relationship is simply a man who is emotionally unavailable and not ready for a relationship. It really doesn't matter why. I have to ask, how exactly do you KNOW he's not seeing other women? You don't have a web cam on him 24 hours a day, and unless you actuall see with your own eyes, or hire someone to follow him around and have THEM see thsi person, it's really just his word, and the sad fact is, he could be lying. I'm not saying he is lying, so please don't get defensive, I'm just saying he COULD be lying. Unless you actually see where he goes and what he does when he's not with you, you don't really know for sure.

    I also don't understand why you would turn off your phone the week of the aniversary of his father's death. If what he says is true, and at this point I do think it's an "if," but if it's true, he's going to need the support of every friend he has this week. Why would you cut off communication and miss a golden opportunity to show him how you can support him and be there for him on a week when he's going to need you the most?

    You really want this guy, but it seems you want to do it all on your terms, and I just don't think it works that way. You can't make him want to see you more than he does, and I think lying and playing games is the wrong way to try. Be his friend, give him his space, and while he's incommunicato, get busy with your own life, work, hobbies, friends, family, other guys. Putting all your eggs in this one guy's basket and saying "a guy would have to be AWESOME (i.e. a prince charming that only exists in fairy tales) to get my mind off this guy." Then, what if he never comes around? What if 6 months down the road, he says "gee, thanks so much for being so supportive while I was such a mess over my dad. Now that I've got my act together, I found this wonderful girl I've fallen in love with and want to tell you all about..."? Think of all the time and emotion and energy you would have wasted. Give him his space, have some patience, be his friend, and don't put your own life on hold.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 07-24-2010 at 08:44 AM.

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