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  • Our Siblings Are Dating and Live w/ Us!!

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    Old 08-19-2010, 12:28 PM   #1
    BikeGuy
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    Red face Our Siblings Are Dating and Live w/ Us!!

    My situation is very complicated so I'll try to get to the point as quickly as possible. I apologize for the wordiness, but I think all of this is very relevant and at least an entertaining read for the drama that is my life. Ultimately, the current state of things has me certainly doubting if we should still get married. Here it is:

    - My fiance and I have been together for over 3 years and engaged now for 9 months. We are both 30.
    - For most of that time, we shared a house (rented from her mom – who lives somewhere else) with her brother (26) and his girlfriend. I did not want to get involved in this living situation, but agreed due to financial circumstances and helping her mom out by paying rent.
    - Over a year ago her brother broke up with his girlfriend and one-week later began dating my sister (22). I was very unhappy with this because I was not a big fan of her brother and I didn't care for how he treated his previous girlfriend. My sister recently graduated college and immediately moved in with us. But prior to that time, she spent as much time at our house as she could.
    - My fiance is very close with her brother and share pretty much everything, both good and bad. I’m not nearly as close with my sister. My sister shares a lot with my mom, and I do on occasion, so it causes a vicious game of telephone so anything you tell one person gets disseminated to everyone else and often mistranslated.
    - My sister is a bad roommate and often causes a mess around the house. This drives my fiancé nuts and has been a key point of contention between all of us.

    I could get more specific, but of course all signs point out that we should move out – a promise I made out loud if my sister ever moved in with us.

    Believe it or not, here’s the complicated part:
    • My fiancé went away for a cross-country trip with her mother for a month. During that time I lived the bachelor life and, I have to admit, I enjoyed myself. And, while she was away, we had several arguments over the phone over various things. With time to think about the state of our relationship and more time for anger and resentment from our fights to incubate than they would normally, I was genuinely beginning to doubt if we should get married – as a number of warning signs have appeared about our compatibility.
    • So it came as a big surprise to me, after not seeing each other for a month and having some serious doubts of my own, that the first time we saw each other in a month wasn’t that celebratory. She confronted me with several issues she had with me (nothing I hadn’t heard before) – mainly my procrastination, wish-washiness, and carefree attitude. These things bothered her so much that she told me that she was breaking up with me. Given my doubts, I called her bluff and said maybe we should break up. Well she didn’t really mean what she said, and had meant it to be to scare some sense into me to clean up my act. This caught her off-guard and within a matter of minutes, after airing my grievances with her, she was being very sweet with me – which caught me off guard.
    • Life went back to normal for 2 days (with our conversation unmentioned) until, after another incident of my sister making a mess in the house, she emphatically told me we needed to move out. I told her I wasn’t sure if we should move out together after the fight we had days before. More or less our same argument was rehashed, but I stood my ground that we needed to fix us before we moved out together.
    • 2 days later all hell broke loose. While I was at work, her mother came over trying to settle up money my fiancé owed her from their cross-country adventure. This exploded into a massive fight with her mother that actually resulted in her mom slapping her and pulling her hair out – which I didn’t witness because I was at work, but my sister and her brother did. During the course of the fight, my fiancé yelled at her brother that she should tell my sister that he cheated on her while she was away on vacation (something I was not aware of but I found out when the fight was recounted to me by her). My sister was not within earshot to hear this, but I was not happy not only to hear that her brother did this, but my fiancé knew the whole time.
    • The fight came to its dramatic conclusion during a tug of war over car keys when my fiancé was trying to just drive away to get away from the house. Her brother intervened and actually threw my fiancé to the ground. She drove away and waited in a nearby parking lot waiting for me to come home from work. I got the sobbing phone call when this was all recounted to me
    • When I finally met her in the parking lot, I was doing my best to comfort her and calm her down – especially since she was now feeling very alienated from two people she was very close to – her mother and her brother. She was looking for every reassurance in the moment which I tried to give her, but I could not betray my recent feelings, and when she said that now we ABSOLUTELY needed to move out, I told her my mind hadn’t changed – especially in light of this blowout fight with her mother and her brother – that I wasn’t sure if we should move out together. She now felt alienated from three people which broke my heart to see how devastated she was, but I felt I needed to protect myself at the same time. Ultimately instead of me comforting her, it resulted in yet another yelling match. The night eventually ended with now a gigantic question mark on our future.

    I am now at the one-week anniversary of this fight. Since that time, basically the same argument between us has been rehashed at least 3 times. I did look at a few apartments with her, but she knows I am, at this very moment, unwilling to commit to moving out with her. Her brother apologized to her that night, she hasn’t talked to her mom, we are still in the same living situation. At my request, we went to a couples therapist for the first time last night. The therapist, a little bit to my surprise, told us that we needed to move out together. But in that hour we didn’t even scratch the surface of our relationship dynamic (and I’m sure I didn’t in here).

    So I feel stuck. Part of me (sometimes with 100% conviction) wants to leave, to put this craziness behind me and start a new life on my own. At the same time, I feel like I am abandoning her in perhaps the biggest moment of need in her life. I want to be there for her right now but I feel like I may be signing a death sentence for the rest of my life. And essentially there is now a time limit to my decision to stay or leave because of the urgent need to move out. I agree that we need to leave this living situation – but the big question is together or apart.

    I’m not looking for anyone to make this decision for me, but any outside input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your patient reading.

     
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    Old 08-19-2010, 12:32 PM   #2
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    Re: Our Siblings Are Dating and Live w/ Us!!

    this is too close for comfort and way too much drama......

    i'd move out and enjoy my peace and freedom, and let the 3 of them carry on with their drama......it's almost incestuous in a way.....

    creepy!

     
    Old 08-19-2010, 01:37 PM   #3
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    Re: Our Siblings Are Dating and Live w/ Us!!

    What does "lived like a bachelor" while she was away mean exactly. Were you with other women?

    I seriously believe that 99 percent of your problems are from living with this dysfunctional family. If you want your relationship to survive you have to move out. You were surprised that the therapist said that? It seems like a no brainer...

    How would moving in with your "fiance" be a death sentence?

    Yeah, if I was her I would have felt alienated and alone if my psycho mom and brother both turned on me and then my fiance refused to see how dysfunctional and screwed up the living situation is.

    I feel sorry for your fiance. She seems to be the one taking the punches here. The one most unsupported.

     
    Old 08-19-2010, 08:01 PM   #4
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    Re: Our Siblings Are Dating and Live w/ Us!!

    I think you kind of had too much of a good thing here. It was okay to be with your fiance....but then with all the siblings, and your parents and her mom, etc......way too much! Of course there are two ways to go with this....you can stay with her, or end it. On one hand, I feel like if you stay and move out together, you just might get a dose of a more normal life with her. One that you enjoy a little more. On the other hand, if you couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel while going through this, and weren't able to say that you loved this person soooooooo much that you were willing to go to any lengths to make it work and be with her, then perhaps it just isn't the right thing. i dont know that it will never be the right thing, but it may be that the two of you just arent ready to be married, and need some time apart before you can get back together. My personal opinion is to give it some time and space. Marraige is a HUGE commitment, and shouldn't be taken as lightly as it is by so many people today. If your having doubts, stress, and drama like your talking about, I think I would give it some time and see where things are 6 months or a year from now. Good luck.

     
    Old 08-20-2010, 07:25 AM   #5
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    Re: Our Siblings Are Dating and Live w/ Us!!

    You're not doing your fiance any favors by staying with her out of pity and moving out with her if you're going to feel like it's a "death sentence."

    Here's the tricky thing about this - when get away from our siblings and parents, we become different people. We grow, we mature, we learn how to define ourselves in our own terms by who we are. But when we visit family, and get around our parents and siblings again, BOOM, we're right back there in the role we used to play in that family dynamic, bratty little sister, bossy female alpha, the picked on runt of the family, the ruler of the clan, etc. Your fiance is a different person with her brother living there in the house than she would be without him being a permanent fixture in her life. And chances are you are a different person with your sister there, even if you aren't close to her, than you would be without her there. Just make sure you don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, like so many men do. Are you sure it's your fiance you're having doubts about, or who she is when her brother is living with her? They are in fact two different people.

    Right now it sounds like you really just don't love your fiance and are not at all that into her, and haven't been for a while. If you know in your gut you don't really love her and don't want to get in any deeper with her, then move out on your own. Just find a place, call a moving company, and just do it. Yes, you'll hurt her, but you'll hurt her a heck of a lot more if you move out with her, waste more of her time, THEN cut her loose, and make her have to find yet ANOTHER place of her own, and go through even more pain. There's just no way to really come out the good guy, here, sorry. You can be a jerk now, or an even bigger jerk later. If you really, truly want out, you're going to have pick your poison. If you really want to leave her, then leave her, but just make sure it's her you're leaving and not just the her she becomes when her brother (and your messy, immature sister) is driving her nuts.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 08-20-2010 at 07:28 AM.

     
    Old 08-20-2010, 07:56 AM   #6
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    Re: Our Siblings Are Dating and Live w/ Us!!

    Bikeguy, Welcome to the healthboards...

    My take on your situation is this. Anytime a parent is also the landlord, there is the possibility of conflict. I like Larrylou'smom's statements about how we act with our parents, being so different than the way other adults treat us, and vice versa.

    So now we have both your family and her family in your home (or should I say her moms home)...already a dangerous mix. I am amazed that your sister has joined the group, and with all you know about this brother, I would not be able to condone any of it. But, as adults, as they are, they get to choose who and how they want to live...just like you do.

    I imagine this group will have continuous turmoil, especially after the huge blowouts, the cheating, the money problems, et al.

    Although your fiance' will be confused and disappointed for awhile, she will get over it. There may be a time in the future that you two can regain your relationship, but planning a marriage should not be happening over a shouting match.

    It sounds as if your fiance is not ready for marriage, you aren't either, so that should be off the table.

    Move out, and start your life over. Get yourself a nice mancave and enjoy every minute of the time to yourself. Give your head a chance to clear from all the noise at "home" and you will likely have a clear view of what is meant for you. This last three years has become a mess, and you need to step away in my opinion.

    Repeated arguments over the same topics means she will not accept your answers to her complaints, and she will not give in, until she gets the answer she wants. When your answers are never accepted, there is not enough respect.

    I say follow your head and move out asap.
    Best wishes to you.

    Last edited by writeleft; 08-20-2010 at 07:59 AM.

     
    Old 08-20-2010, 08:44 AM   #7
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    Re: Our Siblings Are Dating and Live w/ Us!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by writeleft View Post
    Repeated arguments over the same topics means she will not accept your answers to her complaints, and she will not give in, until she gets the answer she wants. When your answers are never accepted, there is not enough respect.
    I agree with writeleft's post, but would like to add that the repeated arguments could just as well be that she is not being heard either. Your fiance has made numerous complaints about your sister and her messiness..which should be addressed. So yeah, continued arguments over the same issue points out a big problem...but its something they both should work on together and both be validated.

    I get the impression your fiance is being ganged up on and not understood, but that could just be my impression, I could be wrong. But like it was stated earlier, I totally agree, that people are different when around blood family. This living situation is 100 percent toxic to their relationship. The only way to see if it will survive under healthy circumstances is to move out ASAP...either together or apart.

    Last edited by Mo-S4; 08-20-2010 at 04:11 PM. Reason: Please post your comments to the original poster. Thanks.

     
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