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-   -   Why do "Nice guys finish last"? (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/768402-why-do-nice-guys-finish-last.html)

Giant_Squid 09-15-2010 09:39 PM

Why do "Nice guys finish last"?
 
I'm 23 and while as modest as I am I would like to think that I'm a really nice guy. I accept people for who they are and treat everyone with respect, especially women. I have never purposely hurt or insulted one. Generally i've tried to treat women the way I always hear they want to be treated.

My girlfriend of two years broke up with me last October and it was/it has been pretty rough on me. Not so much now as it was back in the Spring but I still think about her often (even though I don't want to). Since the break up I decided to change and quite being the quiet guy that never goes out. I started to put myself out there and meet as many people as possible all while staying a nice guy.

What this has got me is nothing but rejection and failure with women for 8 months straight and it just makes me feel more and more lonesome and more and more like being a nice guy is not very nice.

I have a roommate/friend, and while he is my friend I feel he doesn't treat women with the greatest respect. He's nicer than most, but he's still done some stupid things. He's slept with a girl the same day he got in a fight with his girlfriend at the time, then the very next week I saw him get drunk slap the girl he slept with and then hit his girlfriend in the face. All in the same night. He's "hooked up" with girls for a one time thing despite them wanting relationships. And despite claiming to love his on/off girlfriend (the same he hit in the face)who is a few hours away at college, he still tries to date other women because he says "they're not officially dating" anymore. Even though this past weekend he drove all the way to where she was to surprise her for the weekend, he's already planning a date with someone else back home here.

Despite how he's treated women he seems to have no problem meeting any yet here I am being nice and getting the cold shoulder. There have been several times where i've met people on several occasions yet they don't remember my name. I can't even tell you how many times people have literally just walked away from me while im in the middle of a conversation with them, like mid sentence.

The general question here is why the heck do nice guys like myself always get treated like crap? I would like to think I don't have to act like an a-hole to get girls to like me or have to wait till im 30 before women start to appreciate the way I am.

Larrylou'smom 09-15-2010 10:09 PM

Re: Why do "Nice guys finish last"?
 
Wow, if this friend of yours is "nicer than most," and he HITS women, cheats, etc., I'd hate to see a man you think is really a bad guy.

I don't think "nice" guys finish last. I think shy, insecure introverted mousy people finish last. I know where you're coming from and I go through the same thing myself, trying to strike up a conversation just to have people walk away, just sort of being invisible. Just today at work a group of people were standing around chatting and one asked a question and I answered it, and a co-worker repeated what I said and they all thanked her for the answer. This happened twice, so I finally made a joke out of it and just kind of said "hey, I give the answer and they think it's you!" but it happens all the time. I don't think it's because I'm "nice," which I think I am, but I'm also sort of mousy, not very assertive or confident. Could it be this is your issue as well? I think it's just a matter working at getting to a point where you feel comfortable in your own skin and liking who, what and where you are. It's a struggle, I know, I struggle with, too. But you just have to keep working on just being proud of yourself and your life, and being the very best you that you can be, living as full and interesting a life as you can, and knowing that you bring something worthwhile to the party. I really believe there's a good woman for every good man who really wants one. One more thing to consider, the kinds of women who chase after the bad boys are not really women you want. Any woman who tolerates a man who hits her in the face is a woman who has serious self esteem and other emotional issues to work out for herself and isn't really ready to be in a mutually respectful, mature, loving relationship. Hang in there.

rosequartz 09-16-2010 06:42 AM

Re: Why do "Nice guys finish last"?
 
there are a lot of dysfunctional women in the world. Those are the ones that are going for guys like your friend.....those are the ones that are staying in abusive relationships and getting slapped.
Do you want a dysfunctional woman or do you want an emotionally healthy woman?
I suggest you continue to be your nice self......

Giant_Squid 09-16-2010 08:59 AM

Re: Why do "Nice guys finish last"?
 
Sorry I don't mean to turn this thread into a discussion strictly about me and my situation. I originally meant for it to be a broad question directed at everyones own opinions.

[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;4327992]Wow, if this friend of yours is "nicer than most," and he HITS women, cheats, etc., I'd hate to see a man you think is really a bad guy.[/QUOTE]
Well as far as I know the only time he's ever hit a girl was on that one night and he profusely apologized the next day and felt really really bad, and because he was so drunk he didn't remember any of it. Which is apparently why his girlfriend forgave him. Now while I don't see drunken behavior any excuse at all to hit a girl, I don't think it something he actively ever thinks about doing. There are plenty worse men out there who beat and berate their girlfriends/wives on a regular basis. And like I said since according to him they're not "officially" together anymore he's free to date whoever. Which I think is a load of BS. See the thing about my friend is that he manages to do all this, the dating, "cheating", etc. (aside from the hitting), while managing to somehow come across as a nice, laid back guy to girls.

While I will say I am shy, I'm much much more outgoing and willing to talk to strangers than I was in the past. If the situations right I don't have a problem striking up a conversation with a stranger. Same for my self confidence. It has been damaged from being picked on a lot as a kid but I feel i'm slowly building it back up. I may not be Johnny Bravo but I would like to think I have a fair amount.

[QUOTE=rosequartz]Do you want a dysfunctional woman or do you want an emotionally healthy woman?
I suggest you continue to be your nice self[/QUOTE]No I don't want a dysfunctional woman, but after knowing my friend for a while I'm starting to think thats only type of women there are at my age. I mean where am I suppose to find a functional girl? I've met A LOT of people in the past 8 months and none of them seem to be interested in a "nice" guy. Like I said I don't want to have to wait 10 years or even 3 years before I come across the 1 decent girl. I'm an optimist and it would be hard to accept that I'll have to wait years or move to another state just to find a sane girl.

rosequartz 09-16-2010 09:17 AM

Re: Why do "Nice guys finish last"?
 
LOL what makes you think the girls in any other state are "saner"?
people are the same.....everywhere.....

River rocks 09-16-2010 10:02 AM

Re: Why do "Nice guys finish last"?
 
[QUOTE=Giant_Squid;4328193]
Well as far as I know the only time he's ever hit a girl was on that one night and he profusely apologized the next day and felt really really bad, and because he was so drunk he didn't remember any of it..[/QUOTE]

Gosh, well since it was only that one time and he was drunk. :rolleyes:
You call this guy "nicer than most". ?

River rocks 09-16-2010 10:05 AM

Re: Why do "Nice guys finish last"?
 
[QUOTE=Giant_Squid;4328193]where am I suppose to find a functional girl? .[/QUOTE]

Where have you been meeting these women recently who walk away from you mid sentence? They sound pretty shallow and self absorbed. Are you meeting them in bars? Just curious.

Giant_Squid 09-16-2010 10:22 AM

Re: Why do "Nice guys finish last"?
 
[QUOTE=River rocks]Where have you been meeting these women recently who walk away from you mid sentence? They sound pretty shallow and self absorbed. Are you meeting them in bars? Just curious.[/QUOTE]
I rarely ever go to bars, and when I have been i've never really tried to start conversations with random people. The one time I did however I actually did meet a nice girl, but turned out she lived 1000 miles away. So that one time kinda turned out the opposite of what you'd expect. I know the type of girls you find in bars and I know they're not necessarily my type.

Probably 90% of the people I meet are either people one of my roommates brings over to the house, or that I meet at other peoples houses that go to the same school, or in classes.

River rocks 09-16-2010 10:51 AM

Re: Why do "Nice guys finish last"?
 
[QUOTE=Giant_Squid;4328244]Probably 90% of the people I meet are either people one of my roommates brings over to the house, or that I meet at other peoples houses that go to the same school, or in classes.[/QUOTE]

I'm thinking that the ones who your roomate brings over to the house are not the type who will look for a nice guy. So, count them out.
What do you do for fun? Do you have any other friends (other than the roomie) that you hang out with?

Giant_Squid 09-16-2010 01:36 PM

Re: Why do "Nice guys finish last"?
 
[QUOTE=River rocks;4328268]I'm thinking that the ones who your roomate brings over to the house are not the type who will look for a nice guy. So, count them out.
What do you do for fun? Do you have any other friends (other than the roomie) that you hang out with?[/QUOTE]

Sorry I didn't mention I have other roommates as well. Which in reality most of the people coming over friends of the other guy, not my friend. For fun? My school is very demanding so I don't do a whole lot of other extra circular things and the things my school does do in terms of "fun" stuff doesn't really appeal to me (laser tag and quidich. no joke. that thing from harry potter). I keep telling myself its going to get better after school, when I don't have so much work to do.

As for other friends I don't have a whole lot. The one or two others that I do know either spend most their time in their house or are always working, school or otherwise. Its been a tough situation for me these past few years since i've been at school. I feel I've made the best out of my situation but it seems to have introduced me to a lot of girls that want disrespectful guys that aren't very friendly.

janetJ 09-16-2010 03:27 PM

Re: Why do "Nice guys finish last"?
 
Because he who finishes last finishes best!
It's hard to see it during one's 20's, but most of these guys who are treating women bad are the ones who are gonna end up alone in the end. And I truely believe that.
Also, as was pointed out, most of the women who are going for the bad guys are disfunctional themselves; not the kind of girl a nice guy wants.

Giant_Squid 09-16-2010 08:11 PM

Re: Why do "Nice guys finish last"?
 
The predicament lies in that the best way to meet people is to go out, go to peoples houses, get together, that sort of thing. Yet the people that do those things in general tend to be the ones that are into "bad boys". While the "nice girls" are the ones that stay inside and never go anywhere.

[QUOTE=janet]It's hard to see it during one's 20's, but most of these guys who are treating women bad are the ones who are gonna end up alone in the end. And I truely believe that.[/QUOTE]I understand what you're saying and I hope its true. But I also don't want to wait till years and years later before I start to find all the nice girls. Sure I may not be alone in the end, but I don't want to spend the next 10 years waiting. No offense to anyone older but you always hear how the 20's are the best years, you have more energy, you're optimistic about life, and the fun never ends (not to allude to constant partying), and I don't want to end up alone for the majority of those years. I would feel like I wasn't getting the most out of it.

Another question is more general, but does anyone have any idea about the whole psychology behind the whole girls only like a-holes? Its almost inconceivable to me that a girl would actively put herself in a situation that brings about so many negative emotions to themselves, no matter what age. Are there [I]really[/I] that many messed up people out there?

roddles 09-17-2010 12:01 AM

Re: Why do "Nice guys finish last"?
 
Why do girls like aholes? well they dont really it is just an image. It is the bad boys that stand out from the crowd. Think about how you would look in a crowd, or a room full of people. You would blend into the wall paper. The "bad" loud, agressive, type of guy stands out in peoples mind, not only that but are more confident and not afraid to flirt or come on to a girl. Some girls really like bad boys, some just go with it because it looks cool, like guys with fast cars, is something for them to brag about to their friends etc.

They are strange creatures girls, But the good news is girls actually do like us sensitive, nice guys, it is a matter of standing out from that wall paper and being seen. This doesn't mean act like the bad boys, but give compliments, buy her a drink and actually ask her what she does, what her dreams are, where she lives, etc and listen. Girls like guys who listen and actually take an interest. Be spontanious and fun and ask her for a dance. Instead of dancing like all the others, start doing like an old time dance. This works for me, becuase then they think you are fun and they will remember you. Also remember girls like to be chased. If she walks away from you in mid sentance, instead of getting hurt, chase after her. And then say hey can i dance with you or something like that. Also saying that though kinda play it cool as well, and dont be too clingy either. Simply ask for her number at the end of the night, and if you get that, your halfway there. She will remember you and think "that guy was sweet"

Well that is my two cents on it any way lol

River rocks 09-17-2010 12:38 PM

Re: Why do "Nice guys finish last"?
 
I think roddles gave you some good advice. As a woman, I think the tips are good, I would respond well to that.
I would emphasize how we are attracted to confident men. Something about a man who carries himself well, good posture, good eye contact, laughs a lot, smiles genuinely. Someone who can be a good conversationalist and ask questions.
Confidence should not be confused with arrogance. We can tell the difference :D

Edited to add one more thing. A little bit of mystery is good also. Be open, but don't lay it all out in the beginning. Just enough to peek interest so she is intersted in knowing more. Don't be overly available. In other world, do lots of things, activitys, keep your life full, so that a woman is not your full focus. Speaking for myself and I think most women, it is more attractive when a man has a life aside from us. It makes us feel that want to become important to you, instead of just being chased. We are chasers too, when we find someone irresistable! Good luck!

Ely4 09-17-2010 01:49 PM

Re: Why do "Nice guys finish last"?
 
Don't try too hard and don't come across as desperate, those are real turn offs.

My husband was exactly like you, 23 and thinking he wasn't going to find anyone. When we met he had a life, hung out with friends, played football, didn't overdo the persuing and didn't come across as desperate. It wasn't until after we were well and truely together that I realised he was really worried he'd end up alone. He did a good job of hiding his fear. If he'd come across as needy or desperate I'd have steared clear.

19 years and 4 kids later and I couldn't have wanted a better life partner. It can and does happen, so don't worry too much, enjoy the life you have and love will probably suprise you when you least expect it.


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