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  • married girl with a guy friend.

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    Old 11-11-2002, 12:00 PM   #1
    struggler
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    Post married girl with a guy friend.

    Do you think it is wrong for a women to go out alone with another guyfriend when she is married? This guy is my friend, nothing romantic even in the picture. My husband says it is wrong, I believe there is nothing wrong with it. I worked with this guy, who is really interesting, he is a smart, outgoing, fun person and I like going out with him. I have never discluded my husband from our activities, but my husband has never liked this friend. For no other reason but for the fact he likes to go out with me. My husband thinks it is wrong for the friend to take me out, when I am his wife. He says we go out all the time, but really only like once a week or once every couple of weeks. I do not go out with too many people, and I don't really have any good girl friends either, but this guy is my age, and we have a good time together. It is a really good friendship that I don't want to lose but my husband doesn't understand so I don't go out with my friend too much. I have a hard time simply talking on the phone with him because my husband gives me this feeling of doing wrong. I know that it is purely innocent and so does my husband. He trusts me and he knows I would not do anything, and he even says that my friend is a good guy, he just doesn't like the fact that a married woman should not go out with a guy alone. I feel this is a 1950's attitude. Does he want me to stay at home with him and only he can go out, and I will bow to him and all that crap. Please give me your opoinion on the matter. Thanks

     
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    Old 11-11-2002, 12:51 PM   #2
    daylight568
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    Well, I'm not married but I say keep your friend.My BF and I have absolutely nothing in common except good sex.When I lived with him he liked to go out and with all his hundred girlfriends but expected me to stay home and have none.One day he told me to go ahead and go out and find that someone that was going to sit around at home and spend time with me.SO I DID ! I still love my BF with all my heart and have sex exclusively with him but I now I also have my male friend.We both enjoy doing the same things and enjoy each others company.We are best friends however we are not in anyway romantically involved.My BF has a hard time believing this but it is true.If my BF enjoyed doing the same things I did maybe I would still be living with him but he does not.I don't want to be alone and neither does BF but we have no common interests together other than sex so he has his world and his friends and I have my world and my friends and thats the way it will be unless he ever changes his interests.I'm not into the bar scene.

     
    Old 11-11-2002, 01:18 PM   #3
    CokeBookGirl
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    If your husband truly trusts you, and truly believes that what is between you and your friend is innocent, then he would not have a problem with you going out with your friend. Therefore, there is a level of mistrust on his end somewhere. Talk to him, and ask him what he really has a problem with. I have a bf, and I still go out with other male friends often, and my boyfriend trusts me compleatly, as well as them. I know many married women who go out with male friends and their husbands are ok with this. There is nothing wrong with this. A friend is a friend is a friend, regardless of sex. You should be free to have a friendship with anyone you want, as long. as it is innocent, which you say this is, so it should be ok. Talk with your husband and reassure him that it is him you want to be with forever etc. and him who you love. This friend of yours is just that, a friend. But go out and have fun because you are doing nothing wrong as far as I can see.

     
    Old 11-11-2002, 02:13 PM   #4
    Greenberry
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    Sorry, I agree with the husband on this. I don't blame him for expecting you to not "date" other guys while you are married to him. Going out with a guy friend alone while you are married is WRONG, especially if your husband has a problem with it. Does he go out with other women alone? If so, that is wrong also and you shouldn't put up with it. If you want to keep your marriage, you should respect your husband's reasonable wishes in this matter.

     
    Old 11-11-2002, 03:43 PM   #5
    badgirl
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    I agree with Greenberry, badgirl

     
    Old 11-11-2002, 04:39 PM   #6
    Lindarella
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    I also agree with Greenberry.

    No matter how you feel, the bottom line is that your husband is telling you he doesn't feel comfortable with the idea. In effect, you're telling him, "I don't care how you feel, I'm going to do it anyway." Marriages where you disregard your partners feelings (even if you think they're wrong) are not healthy.


     
    Old 11-12-2002, 08:03 AM   #7
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    This is really unstable ground to be treading on.
    I see it two ways to be honest. One is that it is fine to go out with your male friend and then the other is that it isnt ok.
    You see I have several male friends that I have known far longer than my hubby. When one or so are in town I go out with them and hubby has no problem with it. He knows these friends of mine and my friends know him. They also know my hubby tends to be very jealous and have point blank told him they arent interested in me in any other way but as friends.
    Now if I were to work outside the home and then made a friend who wanted me to go out with him that would be a no-no. My hubby would go nuts over that. The reason being is he doesnt know the guy and for that matter neither do I. At least not as well as my old male friends.
    You really need to take the hint from you hubby. Guys naturally tend to distrust other men when it comes to wives and gfs but for the most part it is with good reason.
    I dont think you hubby is in the mind set you are putting him in. I seriously doubt he thinks he should be the only one going out. Think on this for a few minutes. Honestly how would you feel if hubby came home and told you there was a great new woman at his work. Well him and this woman get along so great and are soon dear friends. Now this woman is single and wants your hubby to go out with her. Now honestly sit down and think about it. How would you feel?
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    Old 11-12-2002, 08:17 AM   #8
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    Well, if it was reversed and your husband was going out and spending time with a "female friend" would you like it? I agree that it sounds like the 2 of you are dating in a sense...not too many men would like it.

     
    Old 11-12-2002, 08:49 AM   #9
    Chelle1977
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    I don't think its wrong.

    I'm having lunch with my college buddy, who happens to be male, as soon as we can pick a time that is good for both of us. My husband knows about it and does not mind.

    You might, however, think about when and where you are going out? I mean, are you going out clubbing with this guy, going to the movies? Thats a little different and I can understand how your husband might feel threatened. I don't think its wrong, but it would definitely require a lot of discussion.

    Turn the situation around and be hoenst with yourself. How would you feel if your husband wanted to hang out with a girl friend? Would you feel threatened, unhappy?

    Friendships are important, but your husband should be your best friend. You need to keep the lines of communication open.
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    Old 11-12-2002, 11:28 AM   #10
    someguyinhis20s
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    I can't believe some of the replies to this thread. Just because he is her husband, that doesn't give him the right to choose her friends. And yes, a woman should be consider her partner's feelings, but not when he's being unreasonable. Clearly, he doesn't trust her. There is nothing wrong with a married woman hanging out with male friends. A friend is friend. Gender shouldn't matter.

    People keep asking how you would feel if he did the same thing with a female friend. But that's not a relevant question because it deals with an entirely separate issue, which is whether you trust him. Right now, we're just talking about whether he trusts you.

    This is not the 1950s. Men and women can be friends and shouldn't have to give up or scale back on those friendships just because their spouse is insecure.

     
    Old 11-12-2002, 11:49 AM   #11
    Greenberry
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    I've got two words: GENDER MATTERS! My husband hanging out with his guy pals cannot even be compared to him going to the movies with a woman or going over to a woman's house to visit socially.

     
    Old 11-12-2002, 02:05 PM   #12
    someguyinhis20s
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    Quote:
    Originally posted by Greenberry:
    I've got two words: GENDER MATTERS! My husband hanging out with his guy pals cannot even be compared to him going to the movies with a woman or going over to a woman's house to visit socially.
    If you truly trusted him, it shouldn't matter. The fact that it does matter shows that you don't trust him.


     
    Old 11-12-2002, 02:35 PM   #13
    Greenberry
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    There's two issues at work here, trust and respect. I trust that if a woman rips off all of her clothes in front of my husband, he's not going to seize the opportunity. He respects me and our marriage vows enough not to date other women while we are married. And vice versa.

     
    Old 11-12-2002, 05:36 PM   #14
    EddieDean
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    From an outside perspective, I think this situation seems a little odd. It's one thing to do lunch with a friend from college or even go to the movies from time to time, but this woman sounds as though she is spending many of her free evenings with this gentleman. Her husband is probably frustrated that she so ardently enjoys her evenings with this friend, but in doing so is not spending time with him.

    I think I speak for many of us in saying that my significant other is my best friend. I go out without him from time to time, but that is certainly the exception to the rule. I WANT him to be around. HE is the one that I come to with my friend and work troubles. HE is the shoulder I cry on, the one I go shopping with, and the one I look forward to spending time with. From the tone of this post, it sounds as though this woman really genuinely enjoys spending time more with this male friend then her husband. If this friend is the one who she is sharing all her emotions and experiences with, I have to wonder how she truly feels about him and how she feels about her husband. I don't really blame the husband for feeling jealous and left out, because he is.

    Now, I don't know these people....maybe the husband is being irrationally jealous and her friendship with this guy is totally innocent and casual. I think she needs to do some soul searching to see if this honestly is the case. We can't tell from this side of the story. I just know that most guys I know would not have a problem if their wife or girlfriend went out with a guy every now and again. My boyfriend has a horrible jealous streak, and even he sucks it up and deals when I go out with a male friend. If he was getting really upset by me doing this, I would evaluate what he had to say and try to put myself in his shoes. And, if I was going out with someone else on a frequent basis, I would question why I was so interested in spending time with another guy and not the man I'm dating.

    For many, many years my parents spent every Friday night out with different people. My mom had an extremely HOT guy friend that she would go out with, and my dad went dancing with people from his work. They have a fantastic marriage, and totally trusted each other.....and would just laugh when people from the church would scoff at them or question their intentions. They have been married 27 years and were totally fine with that situation. I can't say that I would be. Different strokes for different folks...though I think this woman needs to consider her husbands feelings and try to come up with something that will work for both of them.

     
    Old 11-12-2002, 11:07 PM   #15
    struggler
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    I do care and respect his opinion, that is why I rarely see my friend now. It is one of those controversial things, and the way I see it is if he had a girl friend, I would not mind him going out with her if I knew it was innocent. In fact, I would like to befriend her, I would at least give her a chance. My friend and I go out alone or with mutual friends. This friend is a great person. This is a matter that cannot be resolved. I care deeply for my husband and it hurts me to see him feeling like this. Yet I also feel like this is not wrong.

     
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