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  • currnent girlfriend has problem with my ex - WHY? they've never even met!?

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    Old 01-03-2003, 09:49 AM   #1
    friendly strong person
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    Question currnent girlfriend has problem with my ex - WHY? they've never even met!?

    Hi. I'm 30yrs old. I've been going out with a girl (also 30yrs old) now for about 3/4 of a year. She's wonderful. Except for one thing.

    She (my current girlfriend, who i'm madly in love with and hope becomes a very long term partner to me) has some issuses with my ex girlfriend though - who i broke up with about a month before i met my current girlfriend.

    My ex is now best friends with my sister and hangs out with her and my friends a fair bit (my sister and my friends are all one big group of friends).

    Even though i have NO feelings for my ex anymore, and my ex has none for me anymore either. We've both moed on and gone on with our lives. I have not talked to my ex or seen her at all since we broke up and when i go out with my friends, which is less now because i spend time with my girlfriend, i so far have not seen her at all.

    I have explained this to my Current girlfriend, but she still refuses to accompany me to any functions with my group of friends (about 9 -12 of us usually) where my ex might also be a part of the group.

    This worries me, because now i have to find out if my ex is going to be there beforehand, intsead of just going and you know - have a good, friendly with everybody in a relaxed atmosphere. If my ex IS going to be a part of the group function (be it a house party, or going bowling, or out to a club, or just hanging out at a friends house one night or whatEVER), then i am faced choices.

    Do I go without my current girlfriend and seem like i don't care about her?

    Do i stay with my girlfriend and not get to see my friends hardly at all anymore? Just because she has a problem with a girl who she's never ever met?

    My girlfriend says that she thinks it's aweful to think that she would have to be in the same room as somebody who i used to "sleep with". She says she's not threatened by her presence, and knows that i have no feelings for my ex at all. I've talked to her about this situation and how hard it makes my life too. My current girl says she beleives that i only have eyes for her and all that. But she still flat out refuses to be a part of the group when my ex is around. This girl is probably at 75% of the group functions because she has become part OF the group. I wouldn't expect my sister to give up her new best friend because my girlfriend has a problem with her being around, right?

    This new years, my first new years eve with my new girl, i wanted to take her out with the group to a nice banquet hall thing with everybody and she liked the ideas, but then we found out that my ex was supposed to be there too. Since the ex was scheduled to go with the group (our group does lots of things together) she refused to go. so instead, i spent time with my current girlfriend on new years alone, just the two of us. it was nice mind you, but it would have been nice to be with all our friends.

    Which brings me to my last point. How can i get my friends to know my girlfriend is she refuses to participate in any group activities since one of the group happens to have gone out with me in the past?

    This is not making my life easy - it's like i now have to have separate lives - one for friends, one for the girlfriend.

    Women out there - Can you relate? Is there something i'm not seeing? Is my girlfiend being reasonable or unreasonable?

    If this is the girl i'm going to stay with, this could negatively affect my relationships with my lifelong friends (since gradeschool and highschool) and i don't want it to.

    I'm having trouble with this - can anybody give me advice on this?...

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    Old 01-03-2003, 10:18 AM   #2
    SkipperK
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    I see where your girlfriend is coming from cause I too HAD a girlfriend who could not stand my ex even though the two never met. Yet at the same time there is no reason for you to drop your friends. I have learned one thing in my life and that is that friends will always be your friends (well good ones anyway) but girlfriends will come and go until you fid the right one. So don't diss your friends and go into a world of only you and your gf. One day you will end up very lonely. The best thing is to workout the issues your gf has with your ex. Point out that you have no feelings for her and a relationship between you to has no chance. Also you have to let your gf know that you were not a virgin when you met her and that would mean you have slept with other girls just like your gf slept with other boys so it is part of life and there is no reason to get hung up on it like she is now. I heard of the "the thought of the fact that you slept with HER makes me sick" . I am not sure where this comes from but its not the most mature thing a person can say. I guess you need to find your values and stick up for them. Remeber on thing , one advice I give everyone. "You can be a lot of things, do alot of things, but in the end you have to make sure you take care of one persons needs the most, your own. For no matter where you go in life you will always have yourself"
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    Old 01-03-2003, 10:39 AM   #3
    PAISLEY
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    I agree with Skipper...However, being a female I understand where your current g/f is coming from. I think she is a bit insecure and believes that if she sees you and your ex still having "fun" TOGETHER, although in a group setting, it may lead her to think the one time that she can't attend a function that you two may hook up for ole' time sake. Just a thought. But, I do agree that you need to keep your true friends. You shouldn't have to choose, especially if you know that you are just having good, clean, innocent fun with your group of friends.

    I would ask her if this is the case and if it is, then you know that there is not much trust on her end. How long have you known your current g/f?

     
    Old 01-03-2003, 12:26 PM   #4
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    All I will say is,your new girlfriend might believe that when two people split up they are to go their own way and never associate again even if there aren't any feelings for one another.

     
    Old 01-03-2003, 12:31 PM   #5
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    Your girl probably also feels intimidated by the whole group thing seeing as they're all friends with your ex. It doesn't sound like she's going to change how she feels so now it's up to you to decide how to handle things. I guess it really depends on how much you care about this girl and what you're willing to sacrifice to be with her.

     
    Old 01-03-2003, 02:16 PM   #6
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    when talking to her about it, she agreed that probably in a couple/few years it probably won't even be an issue anyways.

    It'll probably just happen that one day we'll be somewhere and my ex will show up, alone or with somebody and it probably won't be a big deal and my girlfriend won't feel the need to give her dirty looks or say something nasty to her (which she really seems to feel is something she WOULD do, given the way she feels right Now).

    But until then why should i have to tiptoe around just because my ex "might be there"?...i mean - it becomes a stupid little game after a while doesn't it? "is SHE going to be there?" "oh then i can't come"...i mean - what is this? high schoo!? i'm 30yrs old for pete's sake!

    i guess my ex has had bad breakups in the past and seems of the opinion that ex's don't talk to each other after they break up, but then her previous boyfriend WAS calling her at her new apartment (not because she invited him to though) up to a couple/few months ago.

    And while she didn't encourage him to call, she said she didn't want to be mean to him either so she'd "talk to him a LITTLE"...

    When that happened I didn't get my shorts all up in a knot, because i understand how ex's sometimes mistakenly think that they "can get back together" and stuff. I'm mature enough to realise that if she's with me then she's happy to be and if she hasn't left me to back to him after about 3/4 of a year, then i doubt it'll happen. I don't think they'e talked in a while now though. I THINK he's stopped calling to try to get back together with her...

    I WANT to include her in our group functions so that my friends can get to know her better, and she them, so that they can bond and make friendships. It's SO much easier when you don't have to separate your friends from your partner, you know?...How can THEY get to know and like her when she shys away from most of the opportunities to GET to know them?...My friends WANT to get to know her better and have asked about her when she's not there too - why didn't she come?doesn't she like us or something? YOu can see how this creates a vicious little circle in itself, don't you?

    She (my current girlfriend) knows when i go to group functions without her i don't have any feelings for my ex anyway. in fact, BECAUSE of my girlfriend's problem with this girl, i haven't gone to any functions where i knew she'd be ANYways. My girlfriend has also told me that it would NOT bother her if i went and my ex was there. She SAYS she trusts me...but for her to have such an aversion to even be in the same area/house/room with my ex? WHAT exactly is that all about? Is this NORMAL?

    Why do women have problems with their guy's ex's? They MUST have known that their beau's had a girflriend in the past? right?

    Ladies - If you would, tell me - do YOU have this same view/problem with YOUR guy's ex girlfriend(s)? What would you do if you were the girl in this situation?

    WHY is this such an "issue"? WHY the animosity to a person you probably don't even know? (Mine hasn't even seen the girl (the ex) with her own eyes, and yet she seems to have this strange ANIMOSITY towards her...i don't think it has to be this way...does it?

    I'd like to get an idea if this is normal behaviour or just something bourne out of jealousy, or insecurity.

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    Old 01-03-2003, 04:47 PM   #7
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    It would be an uncomfortable situation. I always tell myself in a situation like this: If you want her back then the person you are dating didn't really care for you in the first place. Their loss and someone else's gain. Look at it another way what if that was her ex instead of yours what would you do? Badgirl

     
    Old 01-04-2003, 04:04 AM   #8
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    Hello,

    It sounds to me like your current G/F might have been cheated on or hurt in the past with an EX g/f coming back into the picutre or him leaving her for the EX.

    It depends how serious you were with this EX of yours? I mean there is a lot of factors here. If you dated this girl a long time and you were "in" love with her then I can see how your current g/f might have a problem with that. Did you tell your girlfriend the seriousnes of the relationship?

    I know that I wouldn't want to be in the same room as my boyfrineds ex, cuz of the simple fact that I don't know what they shared together, you never know those old feelings might creep back and you could leave her for your EX.

    If this doesn't change then I would just ask your friends if they don't include your ex when going out with you plain and simple. I mean it sounds to me like your g/f means a lot to you, and why does the ex have to go out w/ your frineds? Are you sure that the ex doesn't want you back?

    I think your g/f is very jealous of your ex, and sometimes thats normal but if she knows that you love her she might need some help w/ her issues.

    God bless

     
    Old 01-04-2003, 11:16 AM   #9
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    All I can say is that I can relate to how your GF feels.When I lived with my BF ,his ex-girlfriends use to come over to the house and visit and go out with him as "friends" and I did not like it one bit.After awhile the whole scenerio just turned me off and I left him, so maybe your girlfriend will leave you too.Might I suggest you not telling any new girlfriend in the future that you have slept with the one girl in the group, she does not need to know that.

    [This message has been edited by dsheldon3 (edited 01-04-2003).]

     
    Old 01-05-2003, 07:46 PM   #10
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    let's see. - lots to catch up on here...ok:

    What if it was my girlfriend's ex? I've actually thought long and hard and honestly about this and this is what i came up with: if it was my girlfriend's ex and i had already met everyone in the group and liked them (as my girlfriend professes to do) then I would go along with my girlfriend to a function where i had 9 or 10 new friends. It's not like i would have to hang out with that one person (her ex) all the time anyway. It's not like i even would have to talk to that one person. i'd be polite but not necessarily especially going out of my way to make friends with that person. but i would go and not let ONE person take away from my enjoyment of a group situation which i find fun (as my girlfriend prefesses to do). if she and the ex were overly friendly - yknow - "too friendly" with each other then yeah i'd have a problem with it, but if she went over and said hi or somethign i wouldn't be freaking out about it. afterall - everybody has ex's and just because it didn't work out between two people, doesn't necessarily mean they have to have ill feelings towards each other, right?

    after all - look at it this way: if there are like 12 people in a room and you have a problem for whatever godforsaken reason with ONE person in that group do you let your whole night be ruined becwause of ONE person out of 12? that sounds to me like cutting off the leg because you have an ingrown toenail! doesn't it? with that many people around how hard is it to avoid ONE person? not that hard really, is it? PLENTY of people to socialise with, right?

    it's not like i'm asking my current girlfriend to come along with me when it's just 4 or 5 people including my ex.

    i defintely have ZERO romantic feelings for my ex, and from what my sister has told me (her and my ex are now best friends) my ex has ZERO feelings "that way" for me. In fact my sister has told my current girlfriend that too. and also conveyed to my current girlfriend that my ex gf has no hostil feelings to my current gf either, in fact, she (the ex) hopes things work out for me and this girl.

    that to me, is the "mature" attitude to take, isn't it?

    i think maybe my current girlfriend is afraid she doesn't "measure up" to what she was to me - but i've explained to her that she is MORE to me than any woman i've ever known.

    i just wish she could see that and get past her own issues with this...

    i won't put her in the situation to be in the same area with me ex gf, but when we're visitng my sister, and let's say my sister's best friend (who will probably be her maid of honour for her wedding within a year or so) shows up, i dont' want there to be a "scene" or anything, yknow. that wouldn't be fair to anybody. and for me to ask my sister to ask her best friend to stay away when my girlfriend and I are around, that wouldn't be fair, would it?

     
    Old 01-05-2003, 10:45 PM   #11
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    Maybe your present gf is intimidated by the idea of your x-gf...maybe someone in the group of friends has said something to make her feel "less than" Maybe she has seen her picture and thinks that your x is better looking??

     
    Old 01-06-2003, 06:03 AM   #12
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    This one really got to me. My husband has a group of friends he has known since childhood and they all love to get together as a group. All are married with the exception of a few. SOme are people he has dated. But I have no problem with them because they are married and it has been so long since they dated my husband(since highschool and he's 28 now). Anyway, we were all out one night and this girl Kathy shows up. I knew my husband dated her in highschool but I had never met her. We introduced our selves and chatted for a moment the I went back to talking to my sister-in-law and our other friends. Well Kathy is really good friends with everyone in this group. By the end of the night she has given my husband her phone number, been trying to hang all over him, actually pushed my out of the way at one point so she could sit next to him, and then flashes him!!!!!!!!!! I was furious and didn't know what to do. I was worried if I confronted her that I would be the "odd man out" since I was the new person to the group and I thought for sure everyone would take her side if we got in a fight. Well I was wrong!!!! The others were just as angry and forced her to leave and haven't hung out with her in almost a year. What I'm trying to explain is, your girlfriend may feel uncomfortable because she is scared of how close your ex is with your friends. SHe may be worried that they may think you need to get back with your ex or that your ex was a better match for you. You need to make her comfortable with your friends before she is going to be able to be around your ex. Besides, you weren't broken up with your ex that long before you met her. Its going to take time, but she'll come around. But I don't think you should have to give up your friends. I could never ask my husband to quit seeing his friends, and thanks to him I have made some great new ones!

     
    Old 01-06-2003, 07:08 AM   #13
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    I also think it has to do with time. If it was an old girlfriend, say from years ago, it wouldn't bother me cause it would be obvious that you both have moved on. But if it was a more recent girlfriend then I'd probably have a problem with it. It's like this....how do I know for sure that you no longer have any feelings for each other? Now, if you've been broken up for years then it's pretty obvious because with all the time that has past the 2 of you haven't gotten back together...even if you've broken up from other relationships. But if this was a recent breakup then there is no way to be sure. Would you go back to this old g/f if you and I split up? Maybe...how can I know for sure? But with an older breakup I know you wouldn't go back to her because of the simple fact that you never have.

    Hmmm, it's early....I hope I'm making sense.

    [This message has been edited by Lady^ (edited 01-06-2003).]

     
    Old 01-06-2003, 07:45 AM   #14
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    my current girlfriend is BETTER looking than my ex, by general consensus of friends and family, and especially by my opinion too!

    my friends have made it clear that my ex has no ill feelings towards my current girlfriend, and have told my current girlfriend that they like her, and enjoy her company and everything like that. my ex gf IS friendly with the whole group, but is "mostly" my sister's best friend first and foremost, and only attends these group things when my sister is involved, which is a lot, since my sister is an integral part of our group of friends. my ex doesn't attend ALL the group things though. it seems as though these are the only times i get to see my friends and sister with my friends all together anymore.

    it'd really be nice to be able to take my girlfriend along without fear of having a big "scene" happen.

    and i'm sure that my ex has no feelings for me anymore either - there were reasons we broke up (obviously, otherwise we'd stil be together then wouldn't we?). she has moved on, and had a couple boyfriends since we broke up (almost a year ago now) and i don't think about her, don't wonder about her, don't ask about her, nothing. my ex is not the type to scheme and plot against me and my current girlfriend either. in fact, through my sister, i heard that she hopes that we work out and find happiness together. my ex is actually a nice person. Things just didn't work out between us and that's just the way life goes sometimes, right? right. i KNOW my friends would not support any "schenanigans" by my ex towards me at all. a friend is a friend, but i know these people a LOT longer than my ex (she only came into the group just before we started going out, so she's only known them for about 2 years or so now) and also i'm "blood family" to my sister and almost like a brother to everybody else in the group. so i know that wouldn't be a problem. my friends would make sure everything was kept reasonable and "copasetic". I have no ill feelings towards the my ex, after all - i don't feel the need to hate every ex girlfriend i've ever had - do woman hate every ex boyfriend they've ever had? i didn't think so...That being said - I CERTAINLY have no romantic feelings for my ex gf at ALL.

    i'm SOOOOOOOOO happy with my current gf. I'm in LOVE with this woman. She's not perfect of course, and has issues of her own to work out for herself, but NOBODY is perfect (certainly not me either!). But like i said - she's may not be "perfect", but she's perfect to me, and perfect for me. At least that's the way I feel...She's SO wonderful and has all the qualities that i've looked for in a girl, and is confident with herself, has her own life, isn't all insecure and always wondering what i'm up to or who i'm seeing or jealous when i go out with my sportbike riding friends (which include other girls who have motorcycles too), shares my lack of interest in having children, she's ambitious, smart, funny, so beautiful and gorgeous to me, very sexy, and just the kind of person i want to be around all the time, and the kind of person that makes me feel better about myself when i'm around her. I'm starting to SERIOUSLY think those "long term" thoughts and stuff, something that i've NEVER done with other past girlfriends. i think she's "the one" and i've told my current girl this too, so...what's to doubt? right?

    i guess i'm going to have to wait it out a little bit then and hope that she realises that there's nothing to worry about with me, and that nobody is out to get her or whatever.

    i just want to be able to relax when i'm with my sister and friends, not having to almost "fear" what will happen if my sister's best friend shows up while we're visiting/hanging out with friends (and sister, who is one of my good good friends too).

    that's not too much to ask, is it?

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    [This message has been edited by tejas klallam (edited 01-06-2003).]

     
    Old 02-12-2003, 12:47 PM   #15
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    I just had to respond to this whole situation GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!. First of all why in the heck do you have to be out with such a big group of friends all the time? and why does your ex even have to be part of the group anyways? that sounds funny to me as I know for a fact that if I were the ex here, I would not even want to go out with "the group" if I knew your new gf was there and feeling uncomfortable that is just plain weird to me. At 30 and having a gf I don't know why you don't just spend time doing things together more often and maybe once in awhile with "the group" and some time alone with a few of the guys but why the whole lot of them everytime? Anyways I would not feel comfortable if I were your gf that's just not respecting her feelings even though I know you've mentioned you had no problems when her ex was calling her at the new apartment. Some people are more sensitive to certain situations and you should realize that. I say OUT with the ex let her go out with her OWN friends she had before you

     
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