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bebe_babu 02-18-2003 12:28 PM

MY PARENTS vs. MY BOYFRIEND vs. ME
 
i've been going out with my boyfriend for almost two years now, and looking back, i realize that sometimes there's been a lot of conflict between what my parents want for me and what my boyfriend wants...and in between that, sometimes i don't know what i want for myself...

i love my boyfriend sooooo much, its just that he's been played by a lot of girls before he went out with me and he's just overprotective sometimes because of that...like, he doesn't like it when i go to family parties and stuff like that...but its been like that for a while and its getting better tho because he doesn't get as upset about stuff like that anymore...

but also, he doesn't like me talking about any boys...he once got upset with me because i saw a commercial with kobe bryant in it and i said kobe was cute...he was just jealous i guess...but i didn't think he would get mad over something like that, u know?

and also, lately the biggest fights that we have are about college...we're both gonna be going to college next year, and i'm planning on staying local because i want to be with him...he has to go to a certain school because his mom is the director of the school, so i agreed to stay around the area for college...but he doesnt want meeh to go the college that my parents want me to go to because he knows some kids there and he doesn't like them because of something that had to do with his ex...

i don't know what to do? before, he made me promise to go the the college that he was going to because he wanted me to be with him there, but i think i can do better than that college...i don't know what to do...

and also, my parents sometimes force me to go to family parties, but my guy doesn't like it if i go to parties because he's afraid of me meeting other guys there...(he's really scared of me cheating on him because so many of his exes cheated on him and played him)...so i don't know what to do because my parents want one thing, but he wants another thing...and i don't want to upset either of them

i don't mean to make him sound bad or anything, and if i have, then i didn't explain things right...we love each other so much, its just that sometimes we get overprotective of each other...

my boyfriend used to be really controlling but he's not as controlling anymore...and he respects me in every way, its just that he's overprotective...like, he doesn't like me to wear really revealing clothing because he doesn't want guys coming up to talk 2 me or flirt with me...he doesn't like guys looking at me and stuff...but i guess i wouldn't want any girls grillin him either, u kno what i mean...so i don't mind that as much...

if anyone has been in a similar situation, pls give me any input or advice...thanx!

------------------
*bebe babu*

[This message has been edited by bebe_babu (edited 02-18-2003).]

BettyRose 02-18-2003 01:03 PM

Talk about an insecure boyfriend
You summed it all up right there at the beginning…I don't know what I want for myself!!

Why do you think you love your boyfriend so much??

There is NO reason for him to get upset about you going to family parties!! None, I don't care who cheated on him. That's crazy to get mad about you going to family parties.

"he doesn't like me talking about any boys...he once got upset with me because i saw a commercial with kobe bryant in it and i said kobe was cute...he was just jealous i guess"

Jealous is an understatement

"the biggest fights that we have are about college...we're both gonna be going to college next year, and i'm planning on staying local because i want to be with him...he has to go to a certain school because his mom is the director of the school, so i agreed to stay around the area for college..."

Where do YOU want to go? not your boyfriend not your parents - YOU! You cannot let this boy tell you where to go to college. This is the beginning of the rest of your life. This is your future, your career. You need to go where you want to go. (But as far as parents, I suppose you need to listen to their 2 cents if they are paying for it)

"but he doesnt want me to go the college that my parents want me to go to because he knows some kids there and he doesn't like them because of something that had to do with his ex...""

That's bologna!! He doesn't want you to go elsewhere b/c college will open up a world of possibilities for you in which he thinks he will not be a part of.

"before, he made me promise to go the the college that he was going to because he wanted me to be with him there, "

Made you promise? pleeaassee!

"…but i think i can do better than that college...i don't know what to do..."

If you think you can do better than the college your boyfriend is going to then you can do better.

"(he's really scared of me cheating on him because so many of his exes cheated on him and played him)..."

how old is this boy? your age I assume by the college conversation. You've been dating him for 2 years that would put you both at mid-sophmore when you started dating. Come on, you mean to tell me that he is going to base your relationship on relationships he had when he was a freshman or younger?

"he respects me in every way, its just that he's overprotective..."

Respect? that is not what he is doing!!

All that to say, bebe you are way to young to be in this kind of relationship. These are supposed to be your fun years. You should not have to walk on eggshells around this guy about what you wear or don't wear, who you talk to or who talks to you.

It's imperative that you start making your own decisions. There is no better time than now to learn from your mistakes. College is a wonderful place for learning and getting to know new people. It will open your eyes to what you have to offer the world and what it can offer you.

Do not let your boyfriend tell you what to do, what to wear, or where to go to college. He does not love you or respect you. If you love someone you want the absolute best for that person no matter how hard it is. He is holding you back for selfish reasons and you are letting him.

You two need to have a serious talk before you regret the choices you will make. You are coming to a time in your life that will affect your future. Your future - not his. You need to think about you first. Stand up for yourself!!

Please think about this. My sister went through the same thing and well now she wishes it was all different…it could've been.

Please do not take this as me being mean or rude. I am not trying to be I just think that you are to good and to young to be in such a controlling relationship.

Don't let this boy hold you back!!!


[This message has been edited by BettyRose (edited 02-18-2003).]

4given1 02-18-2003 02:57 PM

Amen to what BettyRose said!

You said he "used" to be controlling. Sweetheart, he is STILL controlling, and typically, it only gets worse with time. Trust me, I've been through it not once, not twice, but THREE times! I was your age when I had the misfortune of experiencing it for the first time. I learned to conform to his "standards" and thought that's just how it was supposed to be. I really saw nothing wrong with it until my mother FORBADE me to see him again. (God love her!) It was then that I realized I did NOT have to wear only what he deemed appropriate, I did NOT have to ignore all the boys in my high school, I did NOT have to give him a play-by-play of my entire day. What I did not realize, however, was the impact of the emotional damage his behavior and control had done to my self-esteem. And so... I managed to fall into the same pattern two more times throughout the years. Don't let this happen to you! I know you love him, but is it really worth giving up the things that mean most to you? Is it worth losing your friends, your self-esteem, your passion for the things you enjoy? It's really not. Please think about this.

bebe_babu 02-18-2003 09:42 PM

thanx to both of you for answering...and i understand what you're saying, because i realize that he's being controlling and what he's doing is wrong...but...i love him...i really do...and i can't just break up with him...and i HAVE had talks with him about his overprotectiveness...SOOOOOO many arguments sprouted from those talks...there were times when it got so bad that he wanted to commit suicide...he had to go to therapy at school for a while for it...how can i leave him like that? u know?...he doesn't talk about suicide anymore...he's gotten a lot better...he used to punch the wall and stuff when things got really bad between us...he has these scars all over his arms because once he cut himself when we were fighting...i know that sounds really bad...but i want to help him...i don't want to desert him! he needs me...and i don't know what i'd do without him...he really has gotten a lot better...he doesn't do that stuff at all anymore...i think the therapy sessions helped...but i only found out about the therapy recently...and i found out what really happened...he said that a lady there told him that he could either leave me and live, or if he stayed with me, he would be dead within a few years...that really scared me...i started crying when he told me...but he said that's why he stopped doing that stuff, like punching things and talking about killing himself...because he didn't want to lose me...because he wanted to keep going out with me and still be alive...(sigh)...

sometimes we fight so bad that i want to break up with him...but i just can't...i love him and i know i just want to break up with him because we're angry with each other at that moment...i understand what you two are saying...but i can understand how his exes really affected him by cheating on him...he had a LOT of girlfriends before me and most of them cheated on him...that's got to leave some heavy emotional damage, you know?...so i can't really blame him for that...i think that if i went through something like that, i would have trust issues too...but i've talked to him about that and he's really starting to trust me more i think...like i just went to a wedding a few days ago, and he didn't really have a problem with it the way he would have a year ago...

i don't know...what do you think?

bebe_babu 02-18-2003 09:44 PM

does it seem like i'm rationalizing? if i really am rationalizing, its not just because i'm trying to defend my boyfriend, its because i care about him too much to break up with him, as you guys are suggesting...i don't think i can do that...i really don't mean to make him sound as bad as he might sound to you...

vinceupland 02-19-2003 03:45 AM

Glad to see that some things haven't changed much since I was a young man. You're describing the "typical" teenage boy (at least I'm assuming you're both teenagers, maybe very early 20's, right?). IF--and that's a big "if"--you really can tolerate his behavior, well, only time will tell if you and he will make a go of it or not.

I do know one thing. There will come a time when you'll look back and say, "Why did I ever put up with that?", and that's true even if the two of you stay together the rest of your lives.

It's called "maturity," which comes with not only age, but life's experiences as well. And it's unreasonable for us "old" people to expect younger people to be, and act, as "mature" as we do.

I was the exact same way as the young man you're describing. I survived, and so did the girlfriends in my life, but looking back on it, not a single one of those young ladies should have put up with that crap for one minute.

And also, for what it's worth, you're probably getting the lecture from someone, somewhere, that yours isn't "real" love. Maybe, maybe not. But it's "real" for you, where you are in life right now, and that's all that matters--right now. A few years from now, "real" love will not only "feel," but "be" completely different. And "real" love will continue to change as the years go by.

I'm married now to my second wife for 22 years, and I love her MORE than I ever have. Or to put it this way: Looking back, I don't know why she ever thought about marrying me in the first place (and I was 29 when she and I got married!).

So relax and enjoy your life. It goes by much, much too quickly. As long as his "possessiveness" doesn't translate into "abuse," you're pretty much stuck with the typical "young man" and all his raging hormones! :D

I'm still trying to figure out why the young guys back in my day all wanted to marry a virgin, but at the same time, wanted to have sex with every girl we ever dated?

vince

nicola_76_uk 02-19-2003 03:45 AM

Yes, you're rationalizing his behavior.

Ask yourself this, What do YOU want to do in life? Where do YOU see YOURSELF? Why can't you go to the college you want to? Your boyfriend's arguement against the school you want to go to is absurd and childish.

Just for a moment concentrate on yourself and what you want out of life. You're standing on a doorstep with a world of opportunity at your feet.

Nic

bebe_babu 02-19-2003 07:19 AM

vinceupland:
thanx for the input, it really helped...everything that you wrote seems to relate well to my boyfriend and i...hopefully you're right and as he and i mature, these problems will disappear...i really think that over the past two years we HAVE matured a little and those problems really have diminished...so thank you...

thanx every1 for replying and putting your 2 cents in...appreciate it


------------------
*bebe babu*

CindyA 02-20-2003 01:11 PM

[quote]Originally posted by vinceupland:
[b]Glad to see that some things haven't changed much since I was a young man. You're describing the "typical" teenage boy.
So relax and enjoy your life. It goes by much, much too quickly. As long as his "possessiveness" doesn't translate into "abuse," you're pretty much stuck with the typical "young man" and all his raging hormones! :D

vince[/b][/quote]

I think you gave her GREAT information and advice, Vince. Way to go!

the advocate 02-21-2003 09:24 AM

Although some guys like vince may snap out of it with age and maturity, some guys never do. In fact, I think vince is in the minority.

When I was in high school and college, the guys that were insecure, jealous, and possesive are still that way today. The guys that weren't, aren't.
I think it's much more a matter personality than it is of being young. Although, the possesive thing may be more pronounced in a guy that is in a serious relationship for the first time. But generally, you are who you are.

My advice is to lose this guy. Or you can be his mamma and always reasure him that everything's gonna be o.k. Another great solution would be to never go out with your friends, always wear pants and long sleeve shirts, and try not to wear any makeup. Also, never acknowledge another guy when your boyfriends around. Just think of how much fun that will be.


BettyRose 02-21-2003 09:35 AM

I'm sorry bebe but I don't think your boyfriend is the "typical young man" if he is then I was way lucky when I had teenage boyfriends. Possesiveness is not something you want to deal with.

Come on, he's telling you what college to go to. This is your life - YOURS! He has no right to tell you what to do, none!

You need to take a step back and analyze this relationship. You are rationalizing his behavior. I still don't buy the whole lots of girlfriends cheating. How long did he date these girls? He must have gotten attached very quickly.

Is he still in therapy? If he is that's good. You need to be very careful with someone who has / is contemplated suicide. It's a very serious issue especially with teens. He still needs help - if not for the suicide then especially with his anger (punching walls etc).

You still haven't said why you love him? Just curious about why there isn't anything about the good in him. You aren't sure what to do about him are you? You want to break up with him but then part of you doesn't, right? You said he needs you. Honey, he doesn't need you - he needs help! Professional help.

charby15 02-21-2003 09:52 AM

I was in a situation somewhat like yours. Meaning i had a BF that needed me. We were together for 3 years. He came from a broken home with parents that didn't care about him or what he did. We really did have a great relationship, he treated me like a princess. So i can't related to the possesive part. But i was this guys girlfriend, lover, bestfriend, mother...... you name it i played the role. Well when our relationship started changing i felt obligated to stay with him. I was in college he was still in high school, i was a country girl he was a city boy. We just wanted different things. But i thought i was happy since i was making him happy. It took me 6 months or tears, fighting, breaking up gettin back together to finally come to my senses. He would tell me he couldn't live without me. Well i finally told him that whatever his issues are he has to get through them himself cause i can't make him happy with something i have no control over. We have been broke up for 3 years now and we are great friends and he is doing much much better. cause he had to figure it out on his own. Me leaving him forced him to get his act together. I think you need to do the same. Don't convince yourself like i did that if he is happy then you will be too cause you won't. BE SELFISH.... MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY FIRST!!!

CindyA 02-21-2003 02:03 PM

[quote]Originally posted by BettyRose:
[b]I'm sorry bebe but I don't think your boyfriend is the "typical young man" if he is then I was way lucky when I had teenage boyfriends. Possesiveness is not something you want to deal with.
[/b][/quote]

Okay, I take it back--removing foot from mouth now. You're both right about the possessivenes. I guess I was thinking more about being grateful that his possessiveness did not get to the violent stage. But, you're right--jealousy and possessiveness is not a good thing--it's unhealthy and unproductive and unlikely to just go away.

bebe_babu 02-26-2003 02:44 PM

BettyRose,
u mentioned about me not writing any GOOD things about my boyfriend...well i just figured i had already written so much about my problem that i shouldn't extend my story any further than i had to, u know?

well, just to name a few good things about him-
he's like my best friend in that i can tell him almost anything...i go to him when i have a problem with my parents for example...he helps calm me down when i get upset...his hugs and kisses feel sooooo good...we can spend a whole day just sitting on the couch and watching movies and just cuddling together...he's funny...he teaches me things- like respecting my body and stuff because he showed me that i don't need to be showing off my body wearing barely-there clothes just so people will like me...he spends hours and hours drawing things for me (he's an artist) and when he has money he always offers to buy me whatever i want...he's not selfish about that or anything...he IS a little stubborn when i'm trying to prove him wrong about something, but that's not uncommon...he's all i think about 24/7...he tells me i'm beautiful...he never wants me to try to change anything about how i look because he likes me for me...

ok i don't want to write a book so that's all for now...i know you don't really know that much about my boyfriend, but i hope that gave you a little better view of what he's like...

------------------
*bebe babu*

BettyRose 02-27-2003 06:43 AM

“In seeking truth you have to get both sides of a story.”

I guess from what you wrote in your earlier posts there were red flags that came up for me. I can only read what you write. I don't know you or your boyfriend. I think that this relationship is not good - that is my opinion formed on the basis of which you've wrote.

Obviously, it is up to you what you do. I just don't want you to regret the decisions that you yourself really aren't making. i.e. going to the college you want, wearing what you want. As far as wearing revealing clothes - your first post said he didn't want you to wear those clothes b/c he didn't want guys talking, flirting, or looking at you - then in your last post you said he taught you to respect yourself in that you don't have to wear revealing clothes for people to like you. After you said that I had to think about what our definitions of 'revealing' might be. Your definition could be a little more skin showing that what my def. would be. Well, that's another issue.

Bebe: you know what you need to do. Deep down inside you know if this is a healthy or unhealthy relationship. Do whatever your conscience is telling you.

I just think from what you have said that your boyfriend needs professional help (the anger and suicide talk) you don't wake up one day and stop those urges. As I said before I hope he is still going to a cousellor. Maybe you should discuss this with someone who knows both of you and can give you an honest opinion. Like I said all I know is what you tell me.

I wish you the best of luck!!


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