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  • Ready to fall apart...:( what's going on here??? what should I do?

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    Old 06-26-2003, 07:46 AM   #1
    blurr
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    Unhappy Ready to fall apart...:( what's going on here??? what should I do?

    I think it's over...he said it was over last night. Please read through this and tell me what you think. I haven't slept much all night and I cancelled going into work today because I am a mess...I need to write this all down as I have no one to talk to about this..

    Last night, I went out with the bf, we went out to meet his cousin who is in town on business. I had never met him before and was excited to meet some family members from away. The three of us went to a pub, sat down to chat. I had one drink and a water (all i had for the night as I was driving). The bf and his cousin had a few beers... during the last part of the time at that pub, though, my bf *downed* his 3rd beer quite quickly and then drank about 3/4 of his cousin's beer (so had about 4 pints to himself). His cousin was good about it. All was fine...we left that pub..travelled on down the street to another place to chat some more. Along the way, my bf's cousin pulls out a very tiny, thinly rolled joint. His cousin didn't want any of it and neither did I. My bf smoked it. After the small j, we found another quaint pub...and sat down. I order a water, bf and his cousin order some more drinks, a beer for his cousin, however now my bf is mixing it up..orders a rum & coke. I start to think that trouble is a-brewing, and the bf is starting to act completely out of it. My bf drinks the rum and coke pretty quickly and then goes to the bathroom... he's acting quite odd, but I didn't want to stir things up...he hadn't seen his cousin in years (they had been close when they were younger), and this was the first time I had met the cousin. It was very awkward, but I tried to be patient and put on a good face. During the time my bf is gone to the bathroom, one the waiter comes out and says "Is he (my bf) OK? He wants to order another drink and he seems to be teetering a bit. I'm not going to let him drink anymore." The cousin and I are good about it, say he's Ok, and say that we will keep an eye on him. His cousin gave me a bit of a worried look and said something to the effect of "I'm not sure what's going on." I said that he was probably OK... The bf comes back and then leaves to order another drink (all the time I'm relieved because the waiter said he wouldn't serve him anymore and I didn't want to cause a scene). Low and behold, he comes back with a shot of rye... who the ****** served him, I don't know...at this point I'm wishing for the night to be over quickly, although I haven't even gotten to the bad part, yet...

    So, he downs the rye, and comes back with three more shots for each of us. I'm allergic to rye, and wouldn't drink it ANYWAY, seeing as I was driving and it was getting late. My bf ended up chugging two of the shots and his cousin one of them...

    ...the first part of the night is over..we pay and get up to leave..thank GOD, right?

    ...so my bf is starting to act completely f**ked. Saying strange things...grabbing my hand to hold it and then throwing my hand away from him. We're all chatting a bit off and on, and i can tell his cousin thinks that things are a little off with my bf. My bf then grabs the back of my neck SO hard and squeezes it, it hurt so badly and I was trying to pry his fingers off of me, asking what he was doing and telling him he was hurting me and to let go. Bf proceeds to pull me along the sidewalk for a good 30 seconds in this fashion. The cousin was walking behind us when this happened, so I know that he saw it...and was probably shocked. He finally let go. We got back to the cousin's hotel..start to say our goodbyes (I'm almost in tears but didn't do anything). I ask for the keys to my bf's car(my bf drove that night), and my bf is throwing the keys high in the air...dropping them in front of people..and then walking up behind people and following them. It it was all so weird, I really didn't know what to do or think.

    So finally, his cousin left. My bf and I walk back to the car (I finally had the keys), and then he tries to make small talk about the good weather. I turn to him and say "Don't you ~ever~ grab my neck like that again." I had tears coming to my eyes at this point, but I didn't want to crack...but I couldn't help it, I was in total shock. He looks at me with a blank stare and says "What? I did what? What did i do? I'm sorry, I don't remember doing that." We get to the car and my bf sits down on the sidewalk, I ask him if he's going to get in. He gets up, and yells something at me. I get in the car and wait. My bf sits there for a bit and then gets in the car. We drive away...I start to accelerate a bit and my bf YELLS at me "Slow the ****** down!! I can't keep up with you anymore." He's acting so weird. We start pulling away from downtown and he says "Where are you taking me? Are we going to the cottage? Yeah..let's go to the cottage, we can get back in time for tomorrow." I tell him we're not going to the cottage. I think he's loosing it. We get back to his place....

    We're in his driveway, and I'm thinking that I want to calm him down and tell him what happened. I tell him what happened, what made me so upset (the fact that he grabbed my neck and yanked me along the street and was yelling at me...all for no reason). My bf can't remember doing it, says sorry in this really loud voice. I told him that it didn't matter that he said sorry..it was that he did it. He yells at me "I SAID I WAS SORRY!!!!". We go inside, downstairs to his room, and I get into bed...he's pulling out various shirts and asking me what I think of them on me. Some time has passed and I think he's calming down. He starts to quiet his voice and says "Baby, I'm sorry." I sat up and calmly told him what had happened...he looks like he is coherent, and then grabs a bag of weed and says he's going to roll the biggest joint, etc, etc and get juiced. I told him I was going to leave if he rolled anything else and smoked it. He relents somewhat...we start talking about what happened, I'm telling him that if he ever grabs me like he did eariler or does anything disrespectful towards me again, that I'm walking away. All of a sudden, he switches and starts saying "What? What did I do? Did I hurt you?" and then starts talking about something completely different than the topic at hand...not following me at all. I'm so tired and fed up at this point, so I say to him "You need to sleep, you can't understand anything that I'm saying to you. Let's talk tomorrow, I'm going to go home." He then says "No...we aren't ever talking AGAIN..if you walk out that door, and we don't talk tonight, we're through!" I got up in his face, started yelling at him and telling him what I had to put up with when he got like this..we yelled for a bit. I got my purse and shoes and walked upstairs. I was shaking.

    I went to walk out the front door and he ran behind me and slammed it..said that I was to call a cab..because he was worried about me getting home, didn't want anything to happen to me..and that when I got home I could complain all I wanted. I looked at him and said "So you know the choice you made, that you want it over."..to which he replied "When you get home you can complain about whatever you want...you F**KING B**CH...I don't care if you die." and then he says "I just care about you so much that I don't want anything to happen to you." He then called a cab...and then we waited...he wouldn't let me go outside. He then said that he was going to slap me and then pounded the phone book. Then he walked around the house...came back to where I was sitting...crouched down, pretended to vehemently gag at my feet.. and then said that we should wait outside. I walked out ahead of him and saw the cab coming. He came up behind me and picked me up and hugged me tightly and said "I love you."

    I left and went home....apparently it's over...

    Please....

    ...what's going on here?? I feel like I'm loosing my mind...I'm so lost and confused, please help me.

    dazed and confused,
    blurr

     
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    Old 06-26-2003, 07:58 AM   #2
    blurr
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    I should also point out he treats me like a QUEEN about 99% of the time...we have the most fantastic time together, and it is only a fraction of the time when he gets completely "trashed" that he snaps and acts like this before me. We will occasionally drink wine at his cottage and both get drunk every once in awhile at this location to blow off steam and we'll have a good time together doing this every so often, but he doesn't often snap like he did last night, even when he does drink or get a bit stoned. Usually he is so calm and subdued.

    ..another reason I am so confused...

    ....so what happened?

     
    Old 06-26-2003, 08:45 AM   #3
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    Wow! Sounds to me like he has issues with alcohol and smoking weed! Has he ever acted like this before when he's been drunk and high? I really don't know what to say other than I think you two need to talk when he's sober. Good Luck!

     
    Old 06-26-2003, 08:48 AM   #4
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    What he said last night (about the relationship being over) bears little weight since he probably won't remember it. But do you really want to stay with this guy? So what if he treats you well 99% of the time, in that other 1%, he could seriously hurt you. Being drunk/high is not a valid excuse. He chose to do that. It just all sound very odd - his cousin whom he hadn't seen in a long time is in town, so he is going to get so plastered that he won't be able to even have a serious conversation with the guy? If you intend to stay with him, at least insist that he get help. He obviously can't handle is alcohol.

     
    Old 06-26-2003, 09:09 AM   #5
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    Thanks for your responses...

    911_mom: First off, yes...he's gone a little loopy very few times when he has smoked weed and had alcohol, but not a very large amount of the time, generally he keeps it together and just acts silly, like most people who are buzzed... and he doesn't smoke or drink very often on top of that. So no, it doesn't happen often, but when he does drink and/or smoke, he has had times where has said some questionable things to me and then gets upset when I react to it.

    USCRooster...I don't know if he'll remember what he said or not. You're right, he probably won't as he seems to forget everything. But you're right, the drugs and alcohol are NOT an excuse. I told him that last night... but of course, he didn't address that, gave me a blank stare and then went off on me for something else. And yes, you're right, he needs help. I am very concerned, but don't know how to approach this end of things.

    The frustrating part is that if he does call (I don't know if he will), he'll likely not remember anything and then wonder what's bothering me. And then he'll likely think I'm exaggerating.

    How do I approach this if it does happen. How do I make him see that this is affecting me????

    [This message has been edited by blurr (edited 06-26-2003).]

     
    Old 06-26-2003, 09:47 AM   #6
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    You need to stand your ground. He has a big alcohol and drug problem. His behavior is totally unacceptable. Like the other posted stated, what about the 1% of the time that he is out of control? Maybe during that 1% time he might actually kill you or seriously injure you. It is not worth it.

     
    Old 06-26-2003, 02:41 PM   #7
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    Hey blurr,

    I'll write a real reply to this post later this evening, but wanted to share a quick thought with you before I cook dinner..

    Is it possible that the joint he smoked was laced with something other than weed? That doesn't sound like normal behavior for people who are drunk and stoned - they're generally pretty mellow (or they just pass out).. Rule of underworld thumb: never accept drugs from other people, especially if they won't do them with you..

    I'm not saying that his behavior or his drug use is acceptable, I just think his behavior was a little too outrageous under the circumstances.. Physical abuse is never acceptable.. Has he tried to contact you today? He might not even remember what happened last night.. For that matter, he might've overdosed on whatever garbage he had in his system..

    More later..

    Take Care,
    Melanie
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    Old 06-26-2003, 03:06 PM   #8
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    What happened to your boyfriend's memory is quite common in alcoholics. It is called a blackout, and the person who is drinking is walking, talking, yelling, etc. but has no memory of it later on.
    I am very concerned about the threatening aspect to the blackouts and urge you to seek out "Al-Anon" or another similar support group...

     
    Old 06-26-2003, 04:44 PM   #9
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    Thanks, both of you...

    Mel, I'm not sure if the weed was laced with anything. I don't think that it was, but who knows. My bf's behaviour wasn't abonormal for him, under the circumstances. He has gotten like this on a couple of occasions after smoking and drinking...although like you said, mostly gets mellow and subdued after a j or two, or drinking some. However, on some occasions, he just switches and the drugs and alcohol make him act in this *very* outrageous fashion. I don't know what factors bring out this behaviour in him. But you're right, his behaviour was still too outrageous... I'll be waiting for the rest of your reply...I'm trying to keep myself occupied ce soir. He has yet to call...and usually does so directly after work. It's now 7:40pm. Either he's lying dead or unconscious somewhere (I'm a tad worried), or he knows that something went on last night (how much he knows or doesn't...I have no idea) and is not calling. Or, is sticking to his word...so maybe things really ARE over. I'm slightly worried abuot his well-being, although I'm sure I would have heard already if somethign were wrong. Under no circumstances am I calling him, although I have this voice in the back of my head nagging me to find out if he is OK. I guess I will have to wait. I'm not budging this time. What he did was WRONG. No way of getting around it.

    HoosierBj: Your answer scares me. I never thought he would be someone who had a problem like this, as he doesn't drink often, although come to think of it, when he drinks...he goes HARD. He's not a one drink guy (unless the situation is dire and he MUST drive or be coherent). The funny thing about his "blackouts" are that he literally can't remember doing the action or saying things almost directly after saying them. Is that normal?

    Am I doing the right thing by not budging and letting him contact me? I'm slightly (no, a lot) worried about him, but I dont' want him to think that his behaviour was acceptable.

    blurr

     
    Old 06-26-2003, 05:30 PM   #10
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    Quote:
    Originally posted by blurr:
    Under no circumstances am I calling him, although I have this voice in the back of my head nagging me to find out if he is OK. I guess I will have to wait. I'm not budging this time. What he did was WRONG. No way of getting around it.


    Am I doing the right thing by not budging and letting him contact me? I'm slightly (no, a lot) worried about him, but I dont' want him to think that his behaviour was acceptable.
    It's kind of funny but my mother and I were talking about this last night (I'm in a similar situation.) My boyfriend and I had a fight and had not talked in a few days. I thought I was right and I guess he thought he was right. Neither were budging. Anyway my mom said something that kind of stuck:

    "This kind of thing ends marriages because both partners are too proud to initiate fixing things."

    Sometimes you just have to swallow your pride, you know? Don't apologize to him, because you did NOTHING wrong, but you should still call him and either end it or work things out. I know how you feel because, like I said, I was just there..but it's kind of silly and kiddish to just stop talking.

    If you end things with him I would understand but personally, I'd give him another chance Maybe wait another day and see if he'll call you, but don't just let it go on forever. Either end it or fix it.

    Good luck!


    [This message has been edited by UF baby (edited 06-26-2003).]

     
    Old 06-26-2003, 05:39 PM   #11
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    Yes, he DEFINITELY needs to be reminded of his actions, but I really can't bring myself to pick up the phone. I think that he needs to be the one who initiates the "mending" process (if he still wants to mend things..I don't know, maybe he doesn't). I also feel like if I call, it'll look like I'm crawling back to him and think his behaviour is acceptable, which it is not. I hope that things aren't over, because I really want to be able to work on things with him, but I've also recognized that he also has some big issues that need to be dealt with before things can move on. THAT is what scares me. I do love him, but am so confused and wnat to maintain my integrity and self-respect.

     
    Old 06-26-2003, 05:43 PM   #12
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    Hey again Blurr!

    I posted once and then I re-read everything and decided to change what I said. I guess you already had read what I posted though! If you look up you'll see I changed my response.

     
    Old 06-26-2003, 05:52 PM   #13
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    You are right, UFBaby...

    I don't want this to continue on for ages. I really don't. I just feel that when stuff like this happens, I am usually the one bringing up that we need to talk, and then usually he doesn't want to talk about things. We had an issue about a week ago..nothing too major, but I guess I took what he said the wrong way (although I don't know what other way it could be taken). Honestly, he really WAS in the wrong (*lol*.. that just made me laugh), as he basically put me down, but he didn't see it that way. Anyway, he did call the next day and we both agreed that we had miscommunicated. He wanted to talk about things at that point. When we got together to talk about things (we were going up to the cottage, meeting his parents there), I said "Do you want to talk about what happened a few days ago, now?" And he said "Nah... I don't want it to ruin our weekend. And it got brought up again, but he didn't want to address things. I'll wait until tomorrow...although we were supposed to go up to the cottage tomorrow...he might just leave without me, i don't know.

     
    Old 06-27-2003, 05:21 AM   #14
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    Hey blurr,

    Sorry I didn't reply again last night.. I was exhausted after dinner & sleep beckoned early..

    First of all, it boggles my mind that his cousin witnessed his physical abuse and didn't step in to physically help you or at least tell your boyfriend to chill out.. But that's not really the point..

    It's fairly obvious that your boyfriend needs counseling.. If he is losing control of himself whilst using drugs and alcohol, he has a problem.. You strike me as a really nice person & I'd hate to advise you to stick with him during the process just in case he snaps again and gets even more brutal with you.. You shouldn't live in fear of the one you love.. You have to think of yourself and your own well being first..

    Chances are, he won't even agree to seek counseling for his substance abuse.. But if he does, he needs to prove that he can be trusted before you put your life in the palm of his hand again.. Besides, if drugs and alcohol are more important to him than the thought of losing you, he's really not worth your time regardless of any emotion you might feel for him..

    If the same thing had happened to me, I don't think I'd ever want to speak to him again.. Drugs and alcohol are no excuse for his actions or his harsh words.. He physically attacked you, he verbally attacked you, he threatened further physical harm and then he told you that he didn't care if you died.. Sorry, but that doesn't sound like a formula for a good relationship.. It sounds like a formula for destruction..

    I honestly think that the best thing you could do is walk away from the situation.. I know that you are confused, I know that you love him (when he isn't choking or verbally abusing you) and I know that you said he treats you well 99% of the time.. But on the off chance that he kills you or puts you in the hospital during that other 1% (and that's all it would take - one tiny little percent), maintaining a relationship with him just isn't worth it..

    And if you don't think that might happen, keep in mind that he didn't remember choking you or dragging you down the street.. You might only be one violent blackout away from pushing up daisies.. I'm sorry if my advise scares you, I'm just very concerned for you.. I probably would've given you different advice in the event that his actions were entirely out of character (because of the potential of the joint he smoked being laced), but this obviously wasn't the first time he's gotten out of control..

    Please consider my advice and keep us posted.. I really wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you..

    Take Care,
    Melanie
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    Old 06-27-2003, 06:07 AM   #15
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    CC - I think you read my mind! I was getting ready to post but saw that you had just posted exactly what I was going to say!

    Blurr - Again, I think you are in a very dangerous relationship. Even if he only rarely drinks, the inability to stop/moderate is a classic characteristic of an alcoholic, as is the blacking out and not remembering what he did. If you do talk to him again, INSIST that he get help. Tell him that he PHYSICALLY hurt you and humiliated you and that not only will you never put up with this again, but you will demand action right now - him getting help.

    You have said that he treats you well most of the time. Well if he loves you, he should come crawling back to you. Loving someone goes beyong just not intentionally hurting that person. It means that if you do hurt that person, it hurts you equally or even more so. If he loves you, just knowing how much he hurt you should be tearing him up inside; and he should be going to all lengths to make amends and restore your trust. In fact, you shouldn't have to suggest counseling; he should come to you and say "my behavior was abhorent; this is what I am going to do..."

    With so many bad relationships out there, I am sorry that you are in one that seems great most of the time, only to have this happen. I can imagine how painful it must be.

     
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