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    Old 06-26-2003, 03:20 AM   #1
    sileshadow
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    Post help me I cant breathe!

    JUST WANTED TO SHARE A POEM

    "THE BREAK UP"

    help I cant breathe, someone is strangleing my heart,
    I feel a pain inside me that feels like it blew apart,
    the feeling hurts so bad I cant even explain,
    Its a hurtful stabbing, cold enduring pain,
    I feel like a part o fme died, that I need to live,
    like he took all the life that I had to give,
    help me I need air, it hurts so bad to cry,
    I feel I need air, I feel Im gonna die,
    How can you love so much, why does it have to feel this way,
    how can I live my life hurting this bad every single day,
    help me I cant breathe, the pain's taking up my air,
    I wish that I would stop, I wish I didnt care,
    help me I cant breathe, the pains too much to bare,
    help me i cant breathe its taking up my air....

     
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    Old 06-26-2003, 08:13 PM   #2
    Annie45
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    Hi Sile...

    Read your poem...although it is sentences, it speaks volumes about how you are feeling about your current situation today.

    I am going to try to add something to what you wrote, it's not totally original by any means, but just something I recall from reading a book on codependency...I might not have it right, but I hope the jist of it helps...

    Hurt feelings are a part of life and relationships. It's totally understandable that you don't want to feel anymore pain as you have had your share of it. At some time in your life, you've probably felt overwhelmed, crushed and stopped in your tracks by the amount of pain you feel. During that time, maybe you didn't have resources to handle the pain and take care of yourself.

    But that was yesterday. Today you don't have to be so frightened, and it doesn't have to be overwhelming. You're becoming strong enough to deal with your hurt feelings, and you don't have to feel guilt in thinking right now that hurt and suffering are all there is to this life.

    You need to let yourself be vulnerable enough to feel your hurt and take responsibility for your feelings and behavior as well as what you need to do to take care of yourself. You don't have to analyze or justify your feelings--just feel them and try not to let them control how you act and react.

    Maybe your pain is a way of showing you that you need to set some limits or it's showing you that you might be heading in a wrong direction, or maybe it's just the start of a really deep healing process.

    I've always maintained with you that it's ok to feel hurt, ok to cry, ok to start to heal yourself, and then move on to whatever your next feeling is...but only when it's time for you. To be willing and capable of feeling hurt will probably be matched with the same willingness and capability to feel joy and freedom.

    You're in a healing mode right now, I think, and that doesn't mean you're immune from pain, it just means that you're learning to take some loving care of yourself when you are in pain.

    Hope you don't think I'm being a "butt-insky," but maybe because of my past experiences and exposure to emotional, mental and physical abuse combined with a sense of not feeling deserving of real love and affection--kind of like "I better settle for this because there isn't ever going to be anything or anyone better out there for someone like me," I wonder myself why I'm so drawn to your situation--and I'm guessing that it's maybe a feeling of obligation to help or at least try to help, because I do truly hear and feel your pain.

    I replied to your other thread, but I don't know if you've had a chance to read it yet. Then I saw you'd posted that poem...and well, I can only say I, and others on here, do hear you and your cries for help and guidance through this difficult and painful time in your life.

    Please keep in touch whenever you want to write to someone...I'm always checking my computer and I'm not going anywhere! Oh, BTW, I heard from another poster that it's not within the guidelines to exchange e-mail or Instant Messaging addresses, so as not to have our "lifeline" cut off--best to find out the rules before we do that. I will always keep in touch as long as you want to...so hope that provides you a feeling of having a friend who will always listen to you with an open heart and open ears.

    Stay strong...I truly think that each day that passes by for you will make him more and more of a distant memory and then you will start your own healing process.

    Again and as always, best wishes, Annie.

    [This message has been edited by Annie45 (edited 06-26-2003).]

     
    Old 06-27-2003, 03:33 AM   #3
    sileshadow
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    annie thank you for replying to this post too..I am havin a bad day so will not stay on today...I will keep all your words with me today...thank you...I am sorry for the email thing I just asumed since they let you put it on your profile that is was ok dont worry about it....thanks again...take care..

     
    Old 06-27-2003, 12:27 PM   #4
    Annie45
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    Hi Sile...

    Hey, no sweat! You're having a bad day, and given your circumstances--totally appropriate and understandable. I hope you know I don't expect you to always write back long replies...just want you to know I think about and worry about you, and I hope you'll drop me a short or long note whenever you want.

    You are down, I can tell...you even apologized about the boards rules on exchanging e-mails! No need for that, I didn't know it either! I'm just glad we found out before we broke a rule and then we might have found ourselves banned or something.

    Hope your day gets better, write whenever you want I am a bit of a worry wart, I admit that.

    Always, Annie...

     
    Old 06-27-2003, 01:16 PM   #5
    sileshadow
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    hey annie...I am starting to worry bout things too...I guess not sleeping , worrying, and everything else is getting the best of me...I have never felt so horrible in all my life...I feel numb and really strange...the phone rang at 1 am last night..it only rang twice..but it was him...it bothered me so much that he called here like that...as if to say haha i am still hear...I am so sick and my kids have been doin nothing but fighting today, like I need all this at once...then I got a stupid doctor bill today that I thought was takin care of through my settlement that now I am expected to pay...just everything at one time...I just hurt so bad inside...i can even explain...I lost 7 lbs in these couple days (probably and mostly from getting up and looking at the windows every five minute...) what a way to loose the poundage...haha...well my head is really hurting just wanted to let you know how I was doin...thanks for thinkin of me...it gives me strength...talk later...sile...

     
    Old 06-27-2003, 01:34 PM   #6
    Annie45
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    Thanks siles, sometimes I worry something physical has happened to you when we don't hear from you, so thanks for checking in

    Can you make an appointment to see a doctor about what sound to me like panic attacks as well as your insomnia? Don't let embarassment stop you...they've heard it all, and no one is judging you. If it's a financial concern, well then maybe you can't do that right now. Your health is being seriously affected, so if you can, at least consider it, ok?

    What did you think about my idea of changing your door locks and your phone number? If you can't do that, there is a feature called 'Call Rejection,' and you can enter in a phone number that you don't want to receive calls from. Of course, well here anyway, it has a cost and limits, for example you can't block out-of-state callers, certain cell phones, some payphones, etc. If you feel up to it sometime, call your local phone company and see if that's an affordable option for you--I know it's hard to change your actual #, and it always seems "they" have a way of finding it out sometimes.

    You're definately hanging on by a thread, if there's ANYTHING I can say or a question I can answer to help you...well, you know where I am, and I stand by you completely in this situation.

    Always in my thoughts, Annie...

     
    Old 06-28-2003, 11:10 AM   #7
    sileshadow
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    annie, just thought i would drop a line to check in and let you know the update...I had a really bad day yesterday dealing with alot of stuff..and he called me yesterday...he asked me what all he had here..I told him I was to sick and busy right now to get his stuff together, that i will get it together monday and then he can come get it...he started up a conversation of what he was doing the last five days..
    and how sick of me nagging he was, and how he just cant handle it anymore!!!he wanted to know what I was doin..like he cares!!!!I told him that the nagging was because there was a reason to complain!!!! that if he would stop and thing of anyone else but himself he would know that we had problems!!!! he made it sound like i was such an idiot for starting with him..the nerve ...everything he said and done to me and he wants to make it look like its my fault...heck I flipped....I told him the best women for him was a corpse...because he treated me like one long enough..never aloud to speak my mind, do anything, go anywhere, breathe the wrong way..i guess I affended him coz he hung up on me and I didnt hear from him again until just now...He had the nerve after all this!!! to ask me to go on a motorcycle ride with him!!!!like i would trust that!!!!i told him he didnt have time to do this stuff with me when he was here why bother doing it now...! to late, waited to long,got to clear my head alot in these misserable days I had going out of my mind... the nerve...yeah i would go and he would throw my butt off a cliff or something...he called me a crab and hung up...he better watch coz i am starting to feel better and i am sharpening my claws!!!! I actually got four hours of sleep last night...it felt like fifty....well my nieces are coming got stuff to do, will have a house full of kids to keep my mind off him...talk to you later...hope all is well with you....and thanks for your support !!!!you help me alot with your words...
    (((hugs))) sile

     
    Old 06-30-2003, 04:55 PM   #8
    Annie45
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    Wow Siles...you go girl!

    Haven't had access to my computer for awhile, the kids dominated it for a few days while they were here, but now they're with their dad for this week and I can type again!

    Whoa..your story, the nerve, the gall, the lack of character of this guy! First of all, I can't believe he calls your trying to communicate with him nagging--typical response from abusers. What he's doing is called projection. It's when a person takes their own personality traits and "projects" them onto another person by saying you have those personality traits which--in reality--you don't, but they do.

    Then to try to set you up in a potentially life-threatening situation such as putting your life in his hands while on the back of a motorcycle with him at the wheel!!! Thank goodness you've been sharpening those claws and had some sleep, so you didn't say yes out of sleep deprivation or feelings of desperation!

    You certainly do sound better, I hope that feeling continues. Are you feeling better physically? Did you consider the changing of your locks or your phone #? I don't want to be another person in your life bugging you, so I'll just be secure in knowing that I tossed some ideas out there and I know that only you know what are realistic suggestions for you right now

    One thing that seems consistent in your posts is that when you are busy, like the day you had that nice outing with your kids and then the day you wrote me and mentioned nieces coming over and having a house full of people...that seems to really help you. If that works, when you feel like it, keep making plans and doing those little things for yourself that make you feel good--whatever they are. Like I said, paint your toenails neon if you want, wear something comfortable even if he'd find it ugly, have a glass of wine, take a break and park any guilt outside! I know it's so easier said than done, but try to do something little for yourself everyday that brings a smile to your face.

    You say you provided the majority of the financial security and that isn't a factor in your decision making when it comes to this guy, so I'm assuming you have a job and/or some source of income. Hope that keeps you busy also, but combine a job with four kids and your attempt to get out of an abusive relationship---what a plateful!

    I just can't believe he acts like nothing has happened! It must mean he hasn't gotten to know the new and improved Sileshadow You had a bad day, then you had a good day, and you really let him have it--I bet if felt wonderful to say those things and get them off your chest! I understand that it might go back, and you, just like any person, will have a bad day now and again. Don't expect too much from yourself or apologize for what are absolutely normal things right now...just a reminder, you're focusing on the most important thing--yourself, and you sound so much more confident!!!

    If you have another bad day, it's not a setback...it's totally normal, everyone has bad days. Thanks so much for letting me know how things are going, and always remember that whatever choices you make, I'll never judge you or criticize--even if you went to the extreme of giving him another try--I'm no one to judge, but I will say that I hope you don't do that, but if you do, I promise I'll try to understand and I'll always be here for you.

    If he hasn't gotten his belongings yet, I am wondering if it's in your best interest to allow him in the house? Personally, I'd toss it all in boxes and put it out on the sidewalk and let him know where his things are, but that he's never going to find himself alone with you again--he's lost your trust, your respect and probably your love. If you do decide to let him in the house to get his things, is there an adult or friend who could be there with you? I just worry!!!

    After hearing about your past injuries, I can't bare the thought of you being in a vulnerable situation with him. And of course, I worry about what your kids might be exposed to. Kids hate ugly scenes.

    You have no idea how much it helps me to think that I might have had a positive influence on your current situation as well as how nice it is to feel I've made a new friend--even if it's an internet friend for now. Your story helps me understand why my own mom did the things and put up with the things she did. So please know you help me enormously. You're a strong gal, I have no doubt. Thank you for your kind words--I keep them with me, too.

    Always in my thoughts, Annie ((hugs)) back! and please write back whenever you feel like it.

     
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