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  • Boyfriend hesitant about marriage

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    Old 09-19-2003, 10:00 AM   #1
    Djin
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    Post Boyfriend hesitant about marriage

    Hi everyone. This is going to be a bit of long story, so bear with me. I posted a few weeks ago with the "Live together before getting married" thread. Well, an update, my boyfriend will be "officially" moving in in November. It's mostly to help me out, financially, as I've been working two jobs for a year, trying to get debt paid off. Splitting the bills will allow me to have my weekends back!

    Anyway, my issue is this. A week or so ago, my boyfriend and I had a bit of a heart to heart regarding marriage. He has this problem of saying one thing one day, and the next day saying the complete opposite. For example, one day he'll bring up marriage in that he'll say, "when we get married, we should get a huge entertainment system." Or, "when we have kids we should...etc." I understand that a lot of this is said in passing, and that's fine. But when he makes strong statements, like "I could see us being married next year" then what am I supposed to think? Obviously, being the sterotypical girl that I am, I run to my computer at work the next day and start looking up wedding sites to get ideas. Then a few days later, he'll say he's feeling a little pressured and that he's not ready to get married yet, but he feels that I am. Plus, he claims not to remember that he told me something different only days ago. So I'm stuck here, on the one hand thinking that he's ready to decide if he wants to spend his life with me, and on the other hand thinking that he has no desire to make any commitments as of yet.

    I am at a loss on this one. Our third anniversary is next month. I think that most people, by now, would know if they want to continue forward or cut ties. But he's still at this wishy-washy phase where he's not sure he wants to "settle down." (Please. Like things would be any different if we were married!) I suppose it's the age difference. I'm 27, he just turned 24. I really want to have kids at some point, but I don't want to be having them in my late 30s. So I suppose on some level, I am in a tiny bit of a hurry, but I don't think I'm pressuring him, as I don't bring it up often. And I'm not about to give him some sort of ultimatum.

    It's strange. I come from a family where divorce is more common than staying together, whereas in his family, there's been only one failed marriage. Yet he's really wary about marriage, I guess because he's concerned that we might not make it, but I'm not sure. Actually, his main concern is that I seem so sure things will work out, whereas he, for some reason, has his doubts. Well, of course I have no crystal ball, and I know things won't be sunshine and roses all the time. And I told him this. But I do think that the risk is worth taking. We already know that we love eachother, we have fun together, be it doing something or just hanging out doing nothing. I can't think of anyone I'd rather spend time with and neither can he. He is my best friend, and I'm his. So what's the problem? I asked if he thinks he could find someone he likes better than me and he said no.

    We're planning on getting together with some married friends of mine to talk about all these issues, but with his work schedule right now, it may be a while till we can do this. My married friend was saying that her husband felt the same way before they got married, even though they'd been together for 7 years already. She said that, though he knew they were perfect for eachother, he was still consumed with fear and doubt. But after the wedding, he was fine. So tell me, is this just a guy thing?

    I know we need to have more talks to get his concerns out in the open. But I thought I'd ask for some input from all you guys first. How were things in your relationships when you were on the brink of deciding whether or not to get married?

    Thanks so much in advance for your help on this.

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    Old 09-19-2003, 12:54 PM   #2
    Monday1954
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    Well.............after we had been dating for about a year marriage came up, my husband told me he just didn't think he was the marrying kind. If he were the marrying kind, I would be the person he would marry, but he just didn't think it was for him. He was 24.

    Things rocked along, we kept dating only each other.
    One evening while we were eating dinner he looked at me and said "Well, when do you want to get married?"

    That was my proposal and it was 28 years ago. We got married 3 months after the proposal. Still together, turns out he was the sort to get married after all!!!!

     
    Old 09-19-2003, 01:05 PM   #3
    MJK98
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    weird my ex bf ( we just broke up) has memory laspe problems too he says one thing and the next day changes his tune and doesnt remember what he said
    weird what sign is your boyfriend mine is a libra
    its annoying sometimes cause its like what!!! you said this and he will look at me like i have 2 heads
    anyway give yourself a deadline in your head and if he doesnt act by then make a decision ,
    Good Luck

     
    Old 09-19-2003, 04:23 PM   #4
    Jennak
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    I once had a boyfriend of 5 years who was also a libra and who would say one thing one day about marriage and another thing another day. We did'nt talk about it often. When I broke up with him for other reasons, he suddenly showed up at my door one day, without a ring, but suggesting we run down to the courthouse that MINUTE. Then he said let's have a baby (and began taking his clothes off right then and there...!!!) and I said--slow down, Charlie Brown... I realized part of him was saying some of these things out of sheer desperation, and I ended up being the one who chickened out on all of it! Years later, he said he always wished he had married me. He is 37 and still unmarried to the woman he now has a son with. I was married once. Our courtship lasted only a year, including the engagement. At the onset, I told the man that after spending 5 years with the wishy-washy libra, that if he did not think we had a future, within say, 6 months--that we should go our seperate ways before getting too attached. Well, after only 3 months, he gave me a ring. We were married for 9 years. I would have to say that the ones who really mean it, don't mess around.

    jenna

     
    Old 09-22-2003, 09:03 AM   #5
    Djin
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    My boyfriend's a virgo. But he's not a "typical" virgo (I'd love to get his chart done one of these days). I, however, am a dead-on capricorn. Pretty much anything you're read about capricorns describes me to a T.

    Anyway, we had another long discussion Friday night. I was trying to get him to tell me what his fears are to see if I could help at all. He's not scared of infidelity or anything like that (said it's the furthest thing from his mind, since I would never, in 1000 years, cheat on him, and neither would he). What he is afraid of is that some day down the road we'd grow apart or get tired of one another. Plus, he said that he's just very, very cautious about making serious decisions, which is true. For instance, I told him I loved him five and a half months into the relationship. He, however, wasn't sure he felt the same way, so he didn't say it back until he was absolutely sure he loved me too (which was a couple of months later).

    However, he did say, after listening to me tell him about some stuff, that he's becoming more aware that people aren't always 100% sure things will work out when they get married, so he's feeling a little better about it. He still wants input from other sources (as do I) so we want to talk to our married friends, and he wants to talk to our parents, too.

    At least I have a guy who wants to be sure to cover all his bases instead of rushing headlong into something he may not be ready for.

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