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  • trust issues are killing my relationship - need advice, esp. from computer savvy folk

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    Old 09-11-2003, 07:33 AM   #61
    Trooper
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    Sadgirl,

    Any new events?

    Tell me how you have come to the point where you think you are almost over your questioning? That jumped out at me from your last post.

    (((HUGS))),
    Trooper

     
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    Old 09-11-2003, 09:38 AM   #62
    sadgirl03
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    Trooper ~ I think I am past the point of asking questions (about the web site thing) because I am really beating a dead horse. I don't think anything I say will change what he's been telling me. I am going just leave it up to God and to fate. If I am to find out anything, I guess I will in due time. But just because I am not asking him anymore doesn't mean the questions still don't lurk in my consciousness. Still, though, I've managed to quelch my need to ask for the time being. And I haven't snooped at all either. I think it's because I am waiting for him to act now. I still don't know if he is planning on moving out. He told me in an e-mail a few days ago that he plans on looking at places this weekend. But that was the last time I've talked to him about this. He is supposed to see the counselor by himself tonight. I really hope he makes the appointment.

    I am still torn over whether I want to continue the relationship when I go back to school. It's going to be a tough three years of academics and I just don't want any relationship problems to bog me down. But at the same time, I want so much to start this new chapter in my life with him...What do you think?

    GOD BLESS AMERICA! LET'S REMEMBER THE VICTIMS OF 9/11.

     
    Old 09-11-2003, 03:11 PM   #63
    savysac
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    Sad,

    so let me get this straight, you are jealous of a website? How fickle is that?

    Being a man, I feel I must stick up for my male brother in this situation. You are making a mountain out of a molehile.

    Just because a guy looks at dirty pictures or chats in a dirty chat room does not

    1. Make him a cheater

    2. Make him any less of a person

    3. Mean that he is some sexual deviant

    4. Qualify your judging him

    Let me tell you a little secret about guys, all guys, this is the truth so get ready for it. We all love porn, we all love dirty jokes and we love bathroom humor. We are crude, lewd, and obnoxious. This does not make us evil, it makes us guys. And women, you can disagree until you turn blue and pass out, this is the TRUTH!

    Having said that, we are aware that women dont approve of such nonsense, so we are forced to partake in these activities in our private time. The single bachelor fellow can enjoy doing this whenever, but attached guys need to resort to private time. How dare you invade the sanctity of his private time and use what he does there as a basis for loss of trust! SHame on you for doing so.

    If he had any sense, he would go back to single life and enjoy being a man, without the hassles of day to day nagging and complaining over things women dont understand.

    So, take a chill pill, and leave him alone and get over the fact that your boyfriend is a typical MAN!

    I really hoped this helps

     
    Old 09-11-2003, 05:12 PM   #64
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    I would just like to respond to the above poster. I would not be upset if he did go into those sites, so that in itself is not the issue. What I am upset over, is the fact that my boyfriend could be lying about having visited the sites. I mean if he went into them, then fine, I can deal with it. The issue is whether he's lying to me about it, and I still don't know if he is. What I don't condone is dishonesty, NOT whether or not he visited some porn site.

     
    Old 09-12-2003, 01:02 PM   #65
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    First of all, no one but him knows for sure if he has been looking at those sites, the evidence you have isnt even circumstancial because the sites could have gotten onto his machine any number of ways. SO TRUST HIM!

    Now heres something for you and other women to think about...


    Of course he is going to lie to you about it, he is not going to run the risk of you thinking of him as a sexual deviant. Guys would rather lie than be seen as a wierdo in the eyes of their woman.


    There is dishonesty and then there are little white lies, that hurt no one.

    Examples:
    Dishonesty:
    If you were to find out he has a child from a previous relationship. He had sex with your best friend when you were out of town. He didnt spit in your drink. These all hurt.

    Little white lie:
    Hypotheticaly, lets say you hate red meat and refuse to eat it, and as a way of supporting you your man also said he is not going to eat red meat, all in all he has been real good in supporting you, but sometimes he just craves a burger,so today he has a hamburger for lunch, when you asked him what he had for lunch he says a salad. A pretty girl walks by and you notice him look at her for just a split second, you ask him if he thinks she is good looking and he says "not really". These do not hurt you, in fact they support and help build up the relationship.

    Dont say, if he is willing to lie to me about looking at porn then he is willing to lie to me about anything. Not true- if he is a decent, considerate person, he would not do that.

    Another reason guys lie to the women in their life, becasue they can never have anything for themselves. Women talk about how they are going to "train" their man not to drink, cuss or do any number of the things guys like and do in general. Well, we let you think you have us trained, and on the side do what we want, this is the only way we stay sane.

    Leave the poor guy alone, if you really love him, take him at his word. If I were him, I would not be so patient, he must truly love you. I figure there are 3 billion women on this earth, why should I spend all my time with one that is gone to give me nothing but grief? Being close and bonding and sharing something wonderful can happen between any two people, it is not a rarity.

    But that is just my opinion. The stuff about guys and lieing is a universal truth known to all guys, and by me telling you this, I could lose my membership in the scratch, spit and belch club, but I am willing to do so if it helps one couple stay together.

     
    Old 09-12-2003, 02:05 PM   #66
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    Savysac ~ thanks for your honest opinions, I do appreciate it. It makes sense to me that guys would tell occasional white lies. But my bf has sworn he's not telling me a lie about this. I guess it's up to me to really trust him or not.

    I am really torn about the relationship though. I know he's upset with me, and probably has a right to be. Do you think I should just move one without him? Trust is a huge factor in relationships. I'm afraid if I move on I might have trust issues in any other new relationships, so basically unless I curb it now, I'll continue having problems in the future. From a guy's point of view, what would you suggest I do? I have a lot on my plate in the next few months - I'm leaving my job and going back to school. I don't know if I can handle a relationship with problems. I'm so torn, because I still love him and I know he feels the same way about me, too.


     
    Old 09-12-2003, 07:41 PM   #67
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    I think you need to work on yourself. It is not his problem, he told you what he told you so you should take it at face value. If you cannot trust him on such a small thing as this, how will you ever be able to trust him on the big things.

    The basic fact is that men are going to be men, and they say dumb things and act goofy from time to time, but you have to accept them for who they are, and if they say they arent lieing, you have to take that at face value. If you cannot do this, there really is no hope for the relationship, in fact there is no hope for future relationships because this untrusting issue is going to hang over your head like a dark cloud in future relationships.

    You need to have a heart to heart conversation with him, ask him if he trusts you, completely and tell him that you want to trust him, but you have issues, and maybe even tell him that you do trust him. He is innocent until proven guilty and you have not proven anything.

    Personally, I do not care for all the bs that is involved in a relationship, so after my divorce, I have sworn never to be in another again. Been there done that, now it is time to move on. Life is to short to spend it with someone who drains so much out of you.

    But again, thats just my opinion.

    Good luck

     
    Old 09-13-2003, 07:20 AM   #68
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    Trooper
    wanted to give you an update im 8 days on the zoloft and im feeling much better i know they say it takes a few weeks but i definetly feel less stressed, my BF and i broke up yesterday because i just cant take his highs and lows everything seems to be so dramatic in his life and i feel like he is taking me down with him
    ask me how im feeling about it and i really cant tell you i have been so wrapped up in him for 9 months that i would get a good take on my feelings until we go without speaking , we have been down this road before
    the problem with me is that he works across from me so im hoping in time he leaves the site and i dont feel his presence, i just want to move on...I dont know what hold he has had on me but it was very strong but when i take myself out of my situation and look into it i feel like "what the hell am i doing" if any of my friends were involved like this i would have told them to get out....He is very selfish and spolied he is use to everyone taking care of him i mean dont get me wrong he is a very hard worker and he just went through a horrible divorce but i can see why and all i did was support him all the way and i feel like he just expected it .....He is silican and he has this mentality that women do for there men, he is going to be 34 and acts like an old man, i sometimes think he is the one that should be on zoloft and not me because his mood swings varie, one week he adores me the next he doesnt want anything to do with anything including me and i just cant deal anymore
    nothing happened to dramatic yesterday i just said to myself what am i doing Enough......anyway so thats my deal
    ill keep you posted on my opinion on this zoloft stuff and so far i have to say i like how its working
    have a great weekend

     
    Old 09-14-2003, 12:25 PM   #69
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    Hey Savy...

    I TOTALLY agree with everything you have said. My hubby looks at that stuff and I could care less. He isn't lying to me and there is no need to tell me..it actually serves no purpose for me to know. I think that it's just part of being a man and that in and of itself is totally separate from our relationship and how he feels about me. One thing has nothing to do with the other. We have been married 9 years now...and I believe that because we respect each others boundaries we are able to have a long and loving relationship.

     
    Old 09-14-2003, 01:11 PM   #70
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    I've read some of the posts here and wanted to add my two cents in. Sad, I do believe you have some trust issues, and trust is such an important factor in a relationship. It just seems to me that you found something small and assumed so much, probably blowing it out of proportion. Also, how you bring something into a conversation is key as well. Communication must always open and honest. If you don't trust him, talk to him, but don't acuse him, if that makes sense. And snooping = big no no. Right there you have compromised your trust from him. Whatever your insecurities are Sad, it doesn't give you the right to look through his things...

     
    Old 09-14-2003, 08:41 PM   #71
    I AM ALWASY CONFUSED
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    hi evryone i just wanted to say that trust is everything and my message was meant for sadgirl i apologize for the misunderstanding. i wish you all well . good day
    __________________
    hey this is me, so confused, Thanx

     
    Old 09-15-2003, 10:32 PM   #72
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    Hi everyone ~ I just wanted to check in and say that my bf and I are still together. We are getting through our problems, so hopefully things will work out. I guess only time will tell. I am still undecided on whether I want to continue the relationship past this year. Many of you know about my going back to school and I just don't know if I can handle being a relationship during that time. But I also want to be with him as I start this new chapter. I know I sound like a broken record...

    MKJ98, just wondering how your break-up with your bf went? Are you doing okay now that he is not a part of your life? Are you still taking Zoloft?

    Trooper, how are you doing? I haven't seen you on the boards in a few days.

    Hope everything is going well for everyone else.

     
    Old 09-16-2003, 10:00 AM   #73
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    HI Sadgirl

    Glad to hear that your working on it as far as making any decisions about teh relationhip before school , you will just have to cross that bridge when you get to it, i assume he isnt moving out ??
    as for me im ok he has been calling the last few days being very sweet but right now there is no way we can be together there is too much going on in his life and i know the reason he is being so attentive is because im not...........As for the zoloft truth is it is really helping i dont think i even realize it but it is im sleeping so much better i dont have to take the excedrin pms which is good i think my mind is relaxed
    and he asked me today if i was still taking it and i said yes why and he said that i sound very calm and happy so i guess thats good ........I don't feel stressed which was my bases for this but we shall see
    anyway keep us posted and good luck
    thank you for asking about me

     
    Old 09-16-2003, 10:55 PM   #74
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    Hi MKJ - I was just wondering, did you break up with your bf because of your trust issues? Do you think you made the right decision? Do you think you'll ever get back together with him? How is your life now that you don't have to stress about him, or do you? Is it like a big weight off your shoulders? Do you think that any of what you were stressing over was just in your mind? Sorry for all the questions, but I'm hoping that hearing someone else's story will maybe give me some perspective on my relationship with my bf. I know ultimately it will be my decision.

    I just feel like I am growing more distant from him. I don't know if it's possible to rekindle the connection with him. I feel like I need a break from this relationship but at the same time, I'm worried that the break-up might cause me more stress. Like will I be constantly wondering about him and stressing that he is dating other girls? What can I do now to make my decision less heartbreaking?

     
    Old 09-16-2003, 11:10 PM   #75
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    It seems to me a part of you wants to end this relationship just so you can run away from your problems instead of facing them... that being not being able to trust your sig other. If you end it with him, you might have solved it temporarily, but what happens when you enter the next relationship?

    [This message has been edited by nadine (edited 09-17-2003).]

    [This message has been edited by nadine (edited 09-17-2003).]

     
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