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  • trust issues are killing my relationship - need advice, esp. from computer savvy folk

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    Old 09-18-2003, 02:09 PM   #91
    sunflwrst
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    Okay, went back and re-read earliers posts. Now, I understand.

    I don't think you have any deep-seeded insecurity issues, because you said you trusted your b/f completely, up until 2 yrs ago, when he lied about the computer chat.
    I think a big part of that incident, was that he lied SO convincingly, that you believed him, up until you found proof (his membership)--then, he finally fessed up.
    Understandably, it was a major blow to your trust, and changed the way you thought of him.
    Now, this most recent incident closely resembles the first (computer sites). Yes, there are plenty of pop ups and spam, but you find it highly implausible that links to an escort service, in your area, could randomly land on his computer.
    The same scenario is playing out; he keeps denying it, and you keep digging for something. Because the last time, there WAS something.
    You're at an impasse. Despite your efforts, I doubt you'll be able to let this go. Stop driving yourself crazy and accept the way you feel about it. It's okay. You may never know for sure, one way or the other, but you believed him before, and got burned.
    As much as you want to believe him, I don't think you'll ever completely trust him, again.


     
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    Old 09-18-2003, 02:21 PM   #92
    Trooper
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    Unreal.

    Sadgirl, donít pay any attention to the 3rd page of this thread. You know in your heart that he is not cheating. Apparently some people are letting bitterness run their lives.

    You are better than that honey. You talk to your counselor tonight and keep improving you.

    Iím fine by the way, just really busy with work, thanks for asking though.

    (((HUGS)))
    Trooper

     
    Old 09-18-2003, 02:24 PM   #93
    sadgirl03
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    Hi Sunflwrst ~ Thanks so much for re-reading this whole thread (I know it is very long) to put this situation into context. You seem to have hit it right on the nail. Because of what happened in the past,( and trust me, he has shown his remorse and pledged not to lie to me like that again), I do have a very hard time trusting what he's telling me now. I don't know what to do. He doesn't disrespect me, I know where he is when he's not at work or school, and he just doesn't do typical "man" things - like look at magazines, watch porn movies, gawk at women, or anything like that. Basically, he's very courteous and respectful. He's also intelligent, generous, supportive, affectionate and hard-working. That's what makes this so hard for me - because he is everything that would dispel any image of him going to visit an escort! I just don't see it and I'm pretty confident he wouldn't do that. The thing I have a hard time believing is whether he went into the site (s) or not. Some of you may think that the incident 2 years ago when he went into an adult chat room was all about cyber sex. It WAS NOT and the reason I know is because I went into the site myself, and actually talked to these women about normal stuff. He told me that he went into it to talk to people and you know what, I believe him 100%. Because I did the same thing, and it wasn't provocative at all. So, I just wanted to set the record straight on that. But back to what's at hand now, I just don't know what to do. I'm so tired of having these doubts and I don't want to be in a relationship where there I don't fully trust what he's saying. I go back and forth between wanting to call it quits and not. I guess what's holding me back is that deep down I still love him (very much) and I see a future down the road. I just can't seem to get past this hurdle now.

     
    Old 09-18-2003, 03:39 PM   #94
    mindovermatter
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    Me again, the cackling hen, :-P. I started out in my first post just trying to get you to realize you are having these trust issue's for a reason. You know what you feel. Common sense can tell you.......maybe he hasn't done anything "yet." Just seems to me, escort ad's popping up, all in your area, is a big hint. You do what you must.....and Hoos you know what you can do don't ya?? :-) Anytime your ready for a gender war, I'll be there. It is not just us here. The facts are there. We are trying to help Sad in all of this. I am not telling her to leave him or stay with him, just simply to see the whole picture. Then again, it would be a group of guys saying "it's ok" to look at porn sites and gawk at women!! You can not have a relationship with someone when you do not believe what they say! Once again Sad, Best of Luck!!
    ** I never intended to bash you, nor am I doing it now, you asked for advice, from a woman to a woman, I am giving it!!
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    Old 09-19-2003, 05:33 PM   #95
    sherrie
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    Hi Sadgirl,

    I know what you feel. I was with a guy that on the outside seems liked the perfect guy, a gentlemen, polite, sincere, but I could not trust him either. It was about issues similar to yours- sex, girls, porn. I caught him in a lie once as well and after that I could never trust him even though I could never get him to admit he was lying nor did i have evidence. He actually turned out to be later cheating on me. I never would have thought that such a guy could cheat, but I guess that when they start lying, they can really end up anywhere. Be careful... I would be very concerned if I were you and I don't think you are losing your mind. Maybe you just need to find a man who respects honesty the way you do.

     
    Old 09-19-2003, 06:08 PM   #96
    Asnflwr21
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    I've already replied on the second page but I wanted to just say that I hope everything works out for you Sad. When something as fragile as trust is broken (or questioned) it is hard, especially when you want to work past this and move on. I still don't agree with you going through his computer, but I do hope that you two are willing and able to communicate and work things out. Remember, all relationships have their ups and downs, it takes both people to want to try to work things out. *hugs* to you sweetheart.

     
    Old 09-20-2003, 02:41 AM   #97
    sadgirl03
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    Thanks to everyone who has posted their thoughts. I think at this point my bf and I are going to seperate for the time being. I think that's the best thing for both of us at this point. Who knows what the future will hold? I need this time by myself to sort out my feelings and to think about things. Sherrie, I am curious how things are going with you now? How did you discover that your bf was cheating? And does what he did have an effect on your dating relationships now? Like do you have a hard time trusting men now? These are problems that I'm afraid I may encounter if I ever start dating again.

     
    Old 09-20-2003, 05:24 AM   #98
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    Im sorry to hear that, maybe with some time away from eachother you will be able to work it out again
    good luck

     
    Old 09-20-2003, 08:55 AM   #99
    sunflwrst
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    Sad,

    I'm sorry, I can imagine the heart break you're feeling, right now.
    I think you're doing the right thing in going your separate ways. I know you want (very badly) for things to work out, but please don't blame yourself for the way you feel.
    I know this most recent incident w/the computer has been front and center, as far as the problem.
    But, the real damage was done two years ago (and yes, he made amends and that's great), but things have never been quite the same.
    You've made a valiant effort to give him the benefit of the doubt. But, in all good conscience, you've been unable to.
    Accept your feelings for what they are, and go on. Some relationships weather this kind of thing, while others don't.
    You've got a good head on your shoulders. Always trust your judgement, even when you don't like what it's telling you --otherwise, your at war with yourself (as you've been, because you want so badly to have a future with this guy), but, in the end, nothing is worth sacrificing one of your core values; COMPLETE trust in a relationship.. or your peace of mind.
    You WILL trust again...your current b/f?--doubtful. Someone else, in the future, yes, you will able to trust. Just give yourself plenty of time to heal, you've been through a lot. Hey, it's not all bad, you've learned alot about yourself from this. Take this painful lesson and apply it toward the future; it will save you alot of time (and grief). You now know that ANY violation of your trust, is unacceptable to you. This will pave the way to a solid, happy relationship in the future. Stay true to yourself, you'll be glad you did.
    Take care







     
    Old 09-21-2003, 02:15 PM   #100
    sherrie
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    I caught him cheating, I don't really want to go into that. What I can say is that I am now in a reltionship where I have complete trust in my partner... for some reason he does not instill in me those feelings of mistrust that my ex did. I think it would be a good idea for you guys to separate for a while, maybe try dating, and see where it takes you. Good Luck.

     
    Old 09-21-2003, 03:21 PM   #101
    MJK98
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    I agree Sherrie, thats why my now ex bf and i are not together, i think sometimes you can meet people who just lack a certain characteristic that the other needs , i just dont go around not trusting i always give the benefit of the doubt but when your in a relationship and you get all this insecure feelings something is wrong, when i met my bf the first 4 months of our relationship i never doubted him for a minute and then things changed and as each month past i just kept feeling uneasy with him he always started off a sentence with " to tell the truth" blah blah blah
    and i found it weird and i asked him why he always says that and he said he has always had to prove himself, He just got divorced recently after marrying very young and for 13 years he will be 34 next month and he said all through his marriage he always was accused and always had to prove himself....to me i never have to prove myself regardless who i have been with , if i said i was somewhere thats where i was and if i said something thats what i stood by.....part of what ruined my relationship with him was the fact that i didnt trust alot of things he said my perception of some of the situations just didnt sit well with me
    i never caught him with anyone but to tell you the truth i never investigated anything he said even when it didnt sit well with me , i just decided that een though i really cared for him and love him he is too toxic for me and it would never work...and thats where i am now its been hard but im starting to feel much better about my decision and i have no hard feelings towards him we just dont mesh.....anyway i agree with your post
    good luck in your present relationship

     
    Old 09-23-2003, 04:59 AM   #102
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    A wise man once said, "It doesn't matter where you work up the appetite, as long as you come home for dinner." Shoot, my bf and I watch porn together. I don't care if he looks at naked ladies (ha.. ladies. that's funny) on the internet. I wouldn't care if he went to a strip club. As long as he's only window shopping, what difference does it make?

    I mean, really.. it seems like such a minor thing to get worked up about.. and its BECAUSE you're getting so worked up that the guys feel they need to lie about it.

    I'm sorry, I just think women need to lighten up. If your man wanted to be with someone who isn't you, then he would be with someone who isn't you. He chose you for a reason. He likes/loves YOU for a reason. So now and then he sees a hamburger and thinks "mmmmmmm...", he's just gonna turn right around and realize that he has filet mignon every night. And who's gonna complain about that in the end?

     
    Old 09-23-2003, 09:15 AM   #103
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    [QUOTE]Originally posted by sherrie:
    ... for some reason he does not instill in me those feelings of mistrust that my ex did.

    Thats the feelings I have been speaking of! Trust your instinct is the point I have been trying to make!!
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    Old 09-25-2003, 01:48 PM   #104
    sadgirl03
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    My bf and I are still living together although I think that he will likely be looking for a place to live this weekend. I will be heading off on a short trip with some girlfriends tomorrow. I think that this is just what I need to help get my mind off of things. My girlfriends want to go clubbing and hit the town among other things (I want to do that too and just have some fun) but, I'm worried that I might feel guilty enjoying myself on this trip. I know that I should just be carefree and not be so consumed about my problems back home. I guess in the back of my mind, I'm worried I'll be thinking about my bf and how things are still rocky between us. We haven't officially "broken up" but I'm afraid it might be heading there. If he does move out, I'm not sure if that means we'll be officially separated or not. We haven't really discussed it. My concern is that I want to enjoy myself on this trip - it will just be us girls. But I'm worried if I have too much fun (like dancing with other guys, nothing more) I'll just feel guilty because things are not totally resolved between us. Can anyone put this into perspective for me? Thanks so much..

    Oh, and on a side note, I do plan on telling him before I go that we might go clubbing and maybe to some bars. I want to make sure he is okay with it beforehand. I don't want to withhold anything from him just because we aren't on the best of terms right now.

    [This message has been edited by sadgirl03 (edited 09-25-2003).]

    [This message has been edited by sadgirl03 (edited 09-25-2003).]

     
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