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  • WAYS 2 MAKE YOUR BOYFRIEND SMARTER WITHOUT LOWERING HIS SELF ESTEEM

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    Old 09-26-2003, 05:40 AM   #1
    drayasnhere
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    Unhappy WAYS 2 MAKE YOUR BOYFRIEND SMARTER WITHOUT LOWERING HIS SELF ESTEEM

    I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A REALLY NICE ATTENTIVE AND WONDERFUL GUY. THE PROBLEM IS HE IS NOT THE BRIGHTEST BULB IN THE CHANDELIER... HIS FAMILY IS NOT BIG ON EDUCATION. BOTH OF HIS CHILDREN GRADUATED THIS YEAR AND NO ONE HAS SUGGESTED ANYTHING ABOUT FURTHERING THERE EDUCATION. MY BOYFRIEND DID NOT GRADUATE FROM HIGHSCHOOL OR OBTAIN A GED, AND I FOUND THIS OUT AFTER SNOOPING. HE IS NOT ABLE TO FULLY COMPREHEND. I SUGGESTED THAT HE READ THE PAPER AND THEN HE CAN HAVE BETTER WORD IDENTITY AND UNDERSTANDING. HE HAS YET TO PICK UP THE PAPER. I REALLY WANT TO CONTINUE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM AND HOPEFULLY MARRY HIM BUT I AM HAVING A PROBLEM MOTIVATING HIM TO TAKE CLASSES OR DO SOMETHING TO MAKE HIMSELF SMARTER. HE IS 6 YEARS OLDER THAN I AM BUT HE IS NOT BOOK SMART AT ALL. I JUST WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO TO HELP. HE DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL 20 YEARS AGO AFTER HAVING HIS FIRST CHILD.


    PLEASE HELP ME HELP HIM IN A CONSTRUCTIVE WAY.

     
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    Old 09-26-2003, 07:13 AM   #2
    Dai
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    Can you tell us if he has a medical condition or a learning disability, in another words something specific that keeps him from learning and handling information?

     
    Old 09-26-2003, 07:14 AM   #3
    HoosierBj
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    Wish I could, but I'm old - and if one thing has become clear to me over the years it is that you CANNOT change another human being.
    CANNOT.
    Find someone that you can accept as they are today.
    Maybe if you break up & are honest about why, HE will want to try and change - but until then, start looking for someone who's background & family values (i.e. education) are as important to them as they are to you.
    Good luck!

     
    Old 09-26-2003, 07:39 AM   #4
    cog
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    Hi - if being with others who share your values for education and learning and growth is important to you, I beg you to consider what a life with this person would be like. I'm only speaking from experience. I married a man who is kind, and considerate and generous and I love him for those things, but he doesn't have any education beyond high school, and I have a graduate degree, and I REALLY miss being able to discuss things with him. He has no interest in furthering his education and the only reading he does is the want ads every Sunday. There's no talking / discussing things of a nature other than work, because he has no interest in those things. He thinks higher education is a waste. I didn't know how much I valued an education until too late. I'm really not a snob, but we are unequally yoked when it comes to education, and it does make a difference in a marriage. He's a good man, and I'm fortunate that way, but I miss intellectual discussions. Oh well.

     
    Old 09-26-2003, 07:59 AM   #5
    drayasnhere
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    I ASKED HIM IN A ROUND ABOUT WAY IF HE HAD A LEARNING DISABILITY AND HE SAID NO. I THINK THIS COMES FROM NOT GETTING 12 FULL YEARS OF SCHOOL. I AM A COLLEGE GRAD AND AM ALSO NOT VERY SNOBBISH EITHER. I BELIEVE THERE IS HOPE I DON NOT WANT TO JUST GIVE UP ON HIM AND SAY OH WELL. I AM ABLE TO HAVE INTELLECTUAL CONVERSATIONS AND I FEEL LIKE I AM TEACHING HIM ALOT OF THINGS BUT THIS CAN BE FRUSTRATING.

    I ALSO WANT HIM TO STRONGLY ENCOURAGE HIS KIDS TO FURTHER THEIR EDUCATION. HOWEVER HIS KIDS ARE STRONGLY INFLUENCED BY THEIR MOTHER WHO IS OFTEN AGAINST ANYTHING THAT MY B/F SUGGESTS.

    I ALSO WANT HIM TO READ ANYTHING EVERYDAY, BESIDES THE SPORT PAGES. YES WE WERE RAISED WITH DIFFERENT VALUES AND MY MOTHER ALWAYS STRESSED EDUCATION. I AM NOT GOING TO BREAK UP WITH HIM BECAUSE OF THIS I WANT TO HELP HIM, ILOVE HIM.


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    [This message has been edited by Guardian (edited 09-26-2003).]

     
    Old 09-26-2003, 10:34 AM   #6
    Dai
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    How about cultivating a shared interest? Learning new things has to be fun. It mustn't involve nagging. Reading isn't the only way to learn. Why don't you go watch interesting movies, listen to music, take up a class together, spend one evening a week just discussing things. Discussing and debating is even better than reading because it forms our thinking.

    You musn't think too much about what your mother stressed. It's you in the relationship, not her.
    Don't stress your education and his lack of it too much. People are smart in different ways.

    Also please remember he doesn't have to change any more than you do. He has the right of being himself.

     
    Old 09-26-2003, 11:45 AM   #7
    DenverGal
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    You cannot change a person if they don't want to change. The only way a person can change is if they do it themself.

    You have 2 options:

    1. Accept him as he is

    2. Move on


    He obviously doesn't feel that there is anything wrong or he would have tried to fix it long ago. Trying to smarten him up is not really "helping him" - because there is nothing wrong with him. He just has different interests and values than you do.

    You need to decide if you can live with him the way he is, if not, move on. If you decide to stay with him, you need to accept him as he is.

    Good luck

     
    Old 09-26-2003, 12:15 PM   #8
    DonutsNCoffee
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    I agree with what the others are saying and that you shouldn't try to change someone. You should accept them for who they are.

    As someone who went to college, I think going to college to become a more "cultured" or "educated" person is a waste. If you're not interested in certain subjects, going to college or taking a few classes won't change that. I think people assume that if you went to college or graduate school, that you must be more cultured and be more well rounded. I know people who went to graduate school who can't talk about anything and then I know people who didn't go to college and they can talk about current events, art, literature, etc.

     
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