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    Old 10-20-2003, 06:05 PM   #1
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    Angry The Default Girlfriend

    Hi...I have been reading this board for awhile, and I am impressed with all the great advice that's given. I was wondering if anyone could give some thoughts about my situation? (It's a little long, I tend to ramble!)

    Anyway. I'm not used to having real, meaningful relationships. I met this guy Eric about seven months ago through a mutual friend. I wasn't too sure what to think of him at first, but when he asked for my number I figured, What the heck. So we started hanging out, and I was amazed at how he was totally unlike any guy I had met up to that point. *All* of my previous experience with guys showed me that all they were interested in was sex (which tends to make me wary of men!). Eric shocked me however by being a total gentleman, and was so nice and sensitive you'd think he was gay.

    The thing was, when we met I was already set to move quite a considerable distance in about a month. I explained this to Eric, and his solution was that he would move with me. We'd only been dating about two weeks at this point. It was about this time that I realized he was rather an intense person who tends to get very quickly enmeshed in relationships. (As am I). This freaked me out, but I was torn on whether or not I wanted him to come with me. (I don't know whether it is relevant or not but I have severe BPD and I will
    love someone to death one day and hate them with a passion the next).

    Anyway, long story short - Eric moved with me (we had separate apartments, it wasn't as though we moved in together exactly). We were just going to try and see if we could make it work. A week after we got there, I broke up with him. We got drunk one night and he said some
    unkind things to me, then he got very strange and I just didnt want to put up with it. That wasn't all of it, though. The reason I'd moved to where I did was to be back with a lot of old friends, and I didn't see how Eric was going to fit into my group at all. He was very confused, especially since he didn't remember us breaking up while he was drunk, but I stood firm. The next day, he moved back home.

    Well, I spent the next two months in three different affairs, all of which were not destined to work out and boiled down to me pretty much getting used for sex.
    I was extremely upset and decided to move back home. (I'm impulsive).

    Well, I saw Eric again almost immediately once I got back home. He didn't really hold anything against me, and I knew he still had feelings for me. I was a mess, and he was there to comfort me. We started hanging out again, started fooling around again. I began to realize what I was missing out on, and that he was a great guy. I was glad to have him back.

    Then, he drops this bomb. He wants to get back together with his ex-girlfriend, Spawn of the ***** (not her real name). I was in awe. I knew that he and this girl had a very troubled past, and she was basically evil to him. I never in a million years would have imagined he would want to go back to her. But since I broke up with him, he'd been hanging around her again, and decided his feelings for her were too strong.

    Although I thought he was sensitive, he said he hoped I didn't think the past week "meant anything" and that he really wanted to be friends. Then he asked if I wanted to hang out with him and his girlfriend. (Now, it would be a generalization to say that all guys are stupid, but boy some of them reeeally blow you away).

    So I was really hurt, and avoided him for a few weeks. He was persistent in us staying friends, however, and kept trying to get me to hang out with him. One day I caved, because I needed him to do me a big favor. I thought I was over him enough that I could deal with seeing him and his girlfriend together. But as it turned out, it was sickening. Watching the guy you started to fall for holding hands and kissing another girl? No way. Not to mention that she was just plain rude to him. I could barely stand to watch.

    Anyway, about a week after that, Eric started coming around, this time sans girlfriend. They were having problems, as usual, and broke up again. Unable to stray from the drama, I was there to comfort Eric and then eventually we got close again. But this girl wouldn't leave him alone. Me and him would be alone together and she'd call, and he'd get into a long arguement with her while I'm sitting right there. It didn't take me long to say "Screw this." I told him to leave me alone, but he said he really cared about me. Problem was, he said he really cared about his ex, too. Finally I gave him an ultimatum - either he choose me as his girlfriend or else I was walking out of his life. End of story.

    Well, faced with that, he chose me. We've been back together now for about two months. Admittedly, it was more of an ego trip that anything that made me fight to get him back. I wanted the satisfaction of getting chosen over someone else. Immature? Yes. But as time goes by I keep getting closer to him...this is the first real relationship I've had, as well as the longest. I want to give my all, and I do trust Eric...he's not a bad guy...but there is so much I can't get over.

    I can't forget how he betrayed me by spending that week with me and then just going back to her. Even though I dumped him first, it was because he said mean things to me. He broke up with me in order to run into
    someone else's arms. The thing is, when he was going through his last break-up with her, he said it quite clearly...he still loved her very much, and wanted to be with her - only problem was how nasty she was to him. He would have choosen her over me, gladly, if only she was a little less insane. Well, he didn't say it all like that, but that is the gist of things. And it stings.

    I want to build a life with him, but I don't know if I will ever get over this. I know that they were together for a long time, and went through a lot together. I can't just expect him to forget about her overnight...but I know he still has strong feelings for her, and it hurts me so much. I want to be the only one who matters to him, and even though we have something good now, I keep thinking that I am just the default girlfriend, and I can't stand it.

    He has actually said that he still loves his ex girlfriends, but all that matters is that he loves me and is with me now. I don't think that is fair at all, or am I just selfish?? I can understand still caring about an ex, but loving them??

    Sometimes I think about just stringing him along until I find someone else, then leaving him in the dirt so he can see how it feels. But I don't think I am mean enough to do that. I just have so much hurt in me, though. I can't get rid of the images of him kissing this other girl and holding her hand right in front of me. It won't stop haunting me! I guess what I'm wondering, after all this babbling, is whether I should hang in there and try to make this relationship work, or should I just let him go? I do care about him and want to be with him, but I cannot stand the idea of not being The One. I don't want to be one of the Ones, I want to be The One!

    Sorry if I sound dumb at all...I'm only 20, I have a lot to learn yet!! There is a lot more to the story, but I just wanted to put the essentials...any and all objective opinions would be greatly appreciated!


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    Old 10-20-2003, 06:27 PM   #2
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    The good news is that what you're going thru is the stuff you'll look back at when you're my age and just... smile!
    The bad news is that right now its all pretty real and serious and confusing.
    Can you take a break?
    Like you said, you're 20 - can you just cut loose and BE yourself BY yourself? Spend time with friends, family, volunteer somewhere? And when you do date again - just date! Don't worry about where it's going, what the guy is thinking, who he last dated.. Just go out, see movies, have dinner, be silly, be friends.
    Why spend time messing with a guy who even you know deep down isn't The Right Guy?
    Honest - Be a person in your own right for 6 months. It might be interesting, and it will give you a chance to clear away all this stuff and be truly open for the next real relationship.
    Good luck! (Give it a try!)

    Old 10-20-2003, 08:19 PM   #3
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    Hi ya,

    I agree with Hoosier, there is some good advice there - and I reckon you should give it a try.

    However I did have another thought as I read your post. I know that you suffer from BPD - which I am presuming is Bi Polar??? Im sure that this means you have some pretty high highs and some even lower lows.

    BUT I still think that you really couldnt expect Eric to be welcoming of you and willing to forgive and forget what happened when you first dumped him. If he is as sensitive as you say he is that night would have been pretty devestating for him - here he is he has moved - for no other reason but to be close to this girl he has known for just a short time - and she turns around and dumps him pretty quickly and he goes home.

    Now there is obviously fault on both sides - but to think that all was okay when you eventually shifted home and that you two might get back together that Eric was over it all is not to be mean about it but a little ignorant.

    You have to realise that moving for him was probably a huge deal - and to have his new world collapse so suddenly and so quickly that would have been disturbing. It obviously affected him because his actions show that he wasnt really interested in getting back with you when you first got home - but more interested in paying you back for how you had hurt him in the first place.

    I dont want to criticise - I just want to try and put some perspective on this.

    As for the other issues - and you wanting to be chosen and feeling that you wanted to be chosen just for your own ego's sake that is not the foundation for a successful and happy and loving relationship.

    You say that you now find you have feelings for him - and I am sure that is true - but I think that there has probably been too much damage done for either of you to totally trust one another and build a life together.

    What I would suggest to both of you - if you are serious about having a relationship together is to start over. Start from scratch

    Meet again as though it was the first time - forget what has gone on in the past - get to know one another - become friends - SLOWLY though - dont rush it - and see what develops. And above all - BE NICE to one another - DONT deliberately hurt one another. and see what develops.

    Good Luck


    Old 10-21-2003, 08:31 PM   #4
    Marilyn Monroe
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    Then he asked if I wanted to hang out with him and his girlfriend. (Now, it would be a generalization to say that all guys are stupid, but boy some of them reeeally blow you away).

    This quote of yours above....OH, I went thru the same exact thing!!!! ANDDDDDDD just like you, the minute I left him for going CRAZY and scaring me with his stalking crap, a half a year later, he goes right back to her!!!!!!!!
    Because why? Because it's SAFE?
    Because she does EVERYTHING for him, because in the reality of things, she could never get a guy who looks like him? I don't know, that is my assumption on my problem, I don't know yours, but I think some men , no ALL MEN hate change, and love comfort, it's easier to stay with a girl/woman who you're not 'in love' with, but she does EVERYTHING for you and was there when the current girl went away, these type of women stay in the background and act like they are 'justfriends' with the ex, but other women know better.....

    It's the stupid man who dosen't GET that he is being played and tossed around like a prize in a WAR between two women. (sorry, I should say boy, cos a real man would take the risk and stick it out with the woman he's truly in love with even if there are bad times) instead of going back to the ex when things get too hard and responsibility and decision making is just not possible for them......

    Old 10-22-2003, 09:51 AM   #5
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    I don't have advice, but I thought you both should know that there ARE genuinely good men out there.

    Okay one small piece of advice - don't try so hard.

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