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  • What kind of person can just turn off love like it's a light switch?

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    Old 10-31-2003, 07:48 AM   #16
    MJK98
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    its sad and i know your having a hard time, but there are people out there that can fall in love like they brush there teeth everyday , in time you will understand and i hope that you can move forward without to much heartache
    Good Luck

     
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    Old 10-31-2003, 08:04 AM   #17
    girlygirly
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    It sounds like there were other issues with him besides the not wanting to be with you because you didn't want to move in with him. I'm sure there were other signs in his behavior that he has problems or baggage. Someone just doesn't fall out of love without a reason, like the other posters have said perhaps he wasn't in love because he doesn't know what love is. If you don't have any love to give shows in many ways; are you saying the relationship was "perfect" until this happened?

     
    Old 11-02-2003, 03:25 PM   #18
    butterfly2003
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    girlygirly, no our relationship was not perfect, no relationship is. Our relationship starting falling apart due to the move in thing. We fought over it a lot. He made me feel guilty about it, then he would just turn mean, then I would. I wasn't the happiest, most fun person to be around because of the treatment I was receiving from him. I am not saying that I am perfect, I shouldn't have acted so rude whenever we had a fight. I can be really mean, too, but not unless there is a good reason. He would say all the time that he wanted me to go back to the nice me, uh ditto! All I wanted, too was him to be the good him. His friend was influencing him to be the person he is now. I also was not who I was for the first few years, because of all the moving in crap and other things in my life. My question though is do you just give up? Is that what people who truly love someone does, when there are problems in the relationship they just skip town? Does anyone think that the above mentioned things are reason to give up on someone? I am just lucky that I didn't get some terminal illness, would he have left then, too? Can he already love this girl? I don't see how it can be lust, she is not exactly a girl you would lust after! I don't mean to be mean, but she is no better looking than me, so I don't think he went after her for her looks. I found out that after 2 months of knowing him she is moving in with him and she quit school for him to be with him more! She also bought him a motorcycle! What does this sound like to everyone? Do people generally do these things after knowing them for 2 months? If I had the money I would have bought him expensive things, too! So he must think, "Hey this girl is great she can buy me a motorcycle"!

     
    Old 11-02-2003, 05:15 PM   #19
    burtonbabe
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    She moved in with him,quit school and bought him a motorcycle? Well,she sounds like a real winner.what the heck kinda girl would give up her life so she could be some guys little house wife? Did you have alot of life plans? Some guys are super intimidated by that cuz their still stuck in the cave man ways of "Me man,me bring home meat,YOU,woman..you stay home" Would you really wanna be like that ? If shes known him for two months then I dont think they really mean anything to each other and they move in together and she pretty well gives up everything to be with him...is that healthy? Nope.

    Id say your better off without a little wyner (sp?) like him...So you didnt wanna move in with him...too frikkin bad..Boo hoo...cRY me a river. Hes still a boy..If he acts like how you said he acts when you disagree,well thats not good,thats terrible for a relationship and no girl needs that stress in her life.


    Take this as a learning experience and keep your chin up cuz if your down,he seems like the kinda get who would get off on something like that.

    Focus on yourself for a while and dont torture yourself with all the questions cuz they wont do ya nay good.

    Write in a journal all the questions you have and if you think you know the answers

    eg) Did he even love me?
    your answer: No,he never loved me at all so I must not be loveable (not that your unloveable but keep readin)
    replace it with a thought like this:

    Maybe he did love me and maybe he didnt,he is incapable of lovong someone else cuz hes too busy taking care of his own needs..I did nothing wrong and there wasnt anything that I could do,it was HIS immature descisons and not mine..


    See what I mean...Just think of positive answers

    Now get out there and find yourself a REAL man!!

    Take Care
    __________________
    Look at me
    you may think you see who I really am
    but youll never know me
    now I see if I wear a mask I can fool the world
    but I cannot fool my heart
    who is that girl I see,starting straight back at me?
    When will my reflection show who Iam inside..

     
    Old 11-02-2003, 05:47 PM   #20
    butterfly2003
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    burtonbabe, thank you for your support. I realize that all that girl means to him is a motorcycle and a door mat he can wipe his feet on. It is just sad, because he was a better person when I knew him. I didn't stand for that crap (look where it got me and it is good), so he was a different person with me. We had a lot of good times and talked a lot. We did have a lot of good. He was a better person to everyone then. He doesn't even call his sister anymore. What makes a person do these things?
    I am trying to be positive about everything. My new goal is to never again say anything negative about him and his new girlfriend again. Negative feelings are not helping me anymore, I need to be positive again, even if I have to be positive about him. His sister tells me all we can do is pray for him. I am not ready to do that yet, but someday I hope to be able to be happy for him, so I can be happy. Meaning I no longer feel bad about everything that happened. What does everyone else think about that girl and all she has done for a guy she has known for 2 months? I cant believe he has already started controlling her!

     
    Old 11-02-2003, 09:20 PM   #21
    stolie
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    You can love someone deeply but not be in love with them romantically anymore. In those situations, you desperately want to get out of the relationship because it's not satisfying your needs, but you want to do it in a way that you aren't hurting the other person or hurt them as little as possible. I was in that situation once. I loved her, felt I would do anything for her, but felt we were totally wrong together and didn't see a romantic future for us. We ended up breaking up, there were a lot of tears, but we're still friends five years later even though we live on opposite coasts. She's been dating a lot, I haven't, but even still, I wouldn't have her back for the world because that spark just isn't there and you can't fake it, no matter how much you care about someone.

     
    Old 11-02-2003, 09:41 PM   #22
    butterfly2003
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    Stolie, I would agree with you about some of that. He said that we didn't click anymore, but I am smarter than to believe that. I wasn't moving in with him as soon as he liked, so he found a girl that would. I don't feel that has anything to do with losing the spark or intimate feeling in a relationship. I just think that I was not controllable, and she is. What do you think about all that she has done. Is that what men want. Do men want a girl that will give up her dreams? Do men want easy girls who want to sleep with men the first day (he told me this) and will move in when they barely know them? If that is what men expect of women, count me out!

     
    Old 11-02-2003, 09:58 PM   #23
    stolie
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    Quote: Do men want a girl that will give up her dreams? Do men want easy girls who want to sleep with men the first day (he told me this) and will move in when they barely know them? If that is what men expect of women, count me out!

    All I can speak of is for myself and for the guys I've known well (who tend to be college-educated professionals) and I can say that neither of these two qualities would be considered desirable in a long-term partner. For one thing, guys usually end up liking girls who make them wait rather those who give it up on the first date. And I don't know why any intelligent, educated man would want to be with a woman who can't make her own decisions and have her own life. In fact, that's what turned me off about my ex-girlfriend. She was an extremely dependent person to the point that our lives were becoming totally enmeshed and it was hard to get any space.

    So I don't really know where your ex-boyfriend is coming from. Most guys I know would disagree with him on both counts.

     
    Old 11-02-2003, 10:21 PM   #24
    butterfly2003
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    Stolie, my ex is not a college educated man. He barely graduated from High School and works in construction. He grew up watching his dad disrespect his mom eveyday. If he ever got in trouble in school by a woman his dad wouldn't care, but if it was a man he had better watch out. His dad was a stripper and cheated on is mom. His mom is a stay at home mom who is given $300 a week to buy groceries and that is all the money she ever sees. So, you can see that he doesn't come from such a good thing. I always thought I was a good influence on him, I am very outspoken and I consider myself pretty opinionated. I come from a good family and I have good morals. I thought I could change his ideas of women. He also knew the way his dad acted was not right, but everyday he is more his dad than ever! So, I can understand that if you are not this type of man you may not understand where he is coming from! The part about him and the girl being easy is really baffling to me! He always loved how I was a respectable girl who made him wait! He commented on it all the time! And then what does he do? He goes out and finds an easy girl! What is going on in his head? I am finding out more and more that I never knew the person I loved for 5 years!

     
    Old 11-02-2003, 10:24 PM   #25
    butterfly2003
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    Also I just want to mention that he did not break up with me in the most respectable way! He did it in a text message like a coward! He was not looking out for my feelings at all!

     
    Old 11-02-2003, 10:36 PM   #26
    stolie
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    Butterfly,

    It sounds like he is a petty, spiteful person - and maybe he was trying to hurt you because you refused to move in with him, I don't know. If that's the case, it doesn't mean he didn't or doesn't love you, he's just got a real control issue with the way he treats women, which it sounds like you've identified. Unfortunately, guys like that don't tend to change.

    I know you've heard this before, but believe it. It sounds like you are far better off without him. What kind of future would you have with a man like this in 5, 10, 15 or 20 years?
    Do everything you can to be strong now, know that this is actually a good thing for you since it means you hang on to your life and your independence, and hold out for a guy whose values are more like yours and who will respect you and your decisions. I know it's easier to give advice than it is to live through this stuff, but that's the way I see it. Good luck!

     
    Old 11-03-2003, 06:17 AM   #27
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    Lust and love can be confusing, especially to someone that hasn't experienced real love yet.
    Also, I think love can go away easily sometimes, depending on the situation.
    I was in love with a man, we also got married and had a child. He started beating on me, and ended up in jail for rape(not me) for 15 years!
    He was a sicko!
    I was in such a deep depression, not eating for 3 days or taking a shower. Day and night just spun by like a time lapse. Then, I visited him in prison a few times. The whole time I felt like I was going through some kind of greiving process. I got to a point where I just didn't want to see his face, and I was discusted. This all happened within a month after being in jail (visiting him once a week). That was when the anger really hit me out of no where, I wished he was dead, so bad!! I ignored his calls. I think he was desperate for me back.
    I met another guy that was So nice and treated me so well, it felt so good having such support and care.
    The whole loving feeling thing was completely gone. The weird thing was, before I started feeling angry, I was still missing him and loving him.
    I wish it was able to go away from the time he started treating me bad.

     
    Old 11-03-2003, 10:16 PM   #28
    butterfly2003
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    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Pootsi
    Lust and love can be confusing, especially to someone that hasn't experienced real love yet.
    Also, I think love can go away easily sometimes, depending on the situation.
    I was in love with a man, we also got married and had a child. He started beating on me, and ended up in jail for rape(not me) for 15 years!
    He was a sicko!
    I was in such a deep depression, not eating for 3 days or taking a shower. Day and night just spun by like a time lapse. Then, I visited him in prison a few times. The whole time I felt like I was going through some kind of greiving process. I got to a point where I just didn't want to see his face, and I was discusted. This all happened within a month after being in jail (visiting him once a week). That was when the anger really hit me out of no where, I wished he was dead, so bad!! I ignored his calls. I think he was desperate for me back.
    I met another guy that was So nice and treated me so well, it felt so good having such support and care.
    The whole loving feeling thing was completely gone. The weird thing was, before I started feeling angry, I was still missing him and loving him.
    I wish it was able to go away from the time he started treating me bad.
    I realize that love can go away, but I don't see how what happened to us was so bad that he fell out of love?!
    New question: Does anyone think that someday he will realize that what he has and is doing is wrong? Does anyone think that he will come back someday?

     
    Old 11-04-2003, 02:03 AM   #29
    daylight568
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    [QUOTE]I realize that love can go away, but I don't see how what happened to us was so bad that he fell out of love?!
    New question: Does anyone think that someday he will realize that what he has and is doing is wrong? Does anyone think that he will come back someday?[QUOTE]

    Nope, hes gone for good.Even if he did realize what a good thing he had with you later on down the road, his pride would keep him from ever getting back together with you or telling you.

     
    Old 11-04-2003, 07:31 AM   #30
    Pootsi
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    Well, on my second marriage, he left me cuz he fell out of love(could of been lust), we just weren't on the same level anymore, it was weird. I think we married way to fast. He was in the Navy and was scheduled to be transferred. It was hard on me cuz I looked forward to it with him. It wasn't as hard as the first one, but hard cuz I didn't understand why, again.
    He said I was to immature for him. I probably was. But so was he.
    After the divorce and going away from each other, I eventually got married for the 3rd and final time.
    Grew up a lot since then.
    Me and my husband now are living happyily ever after.
    Come to find out from my parents, that years later he had called their house twice trying to find me. My parents told him I moved away and I'm happily married. He never called again.
    They won't forget you, believe me. Especially if you were the good one to him, he won't forget what he lost, especially during times that remind him of goodtimes with you.

     
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