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  • What kind of person can just turn off love like it's a light switch?

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    Old 10-23-2003, 10:00 PM   #1
    butterfly2003
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    Post What kind of person can just turn off love like it's a light switch?

    I am trying very hard to understand how people can so easily fall out of love. I have posted quite a lot about my ex and I just don't get it. Is it really possible to so quickly stop loving someone that you loved for years, to move on deeply with someone else? Does anyone have any inside on this? Has anyone stopped loving someone, and for what reason? How did you accomplish such a great feat? I really wish I could just stop loving him, but I can't. I truly believe now that I loved him more than he did me! So, anyone with opinions or experiences with this type of thing, please respond!

     
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    Old 10-24-2003, 02:25 AM   #2
    Redhead23
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    I don't think it's a sudden thing, more like gradual, i.e. over time things happen that take away bits of your love for that person, be it just the "boredom" of routine or something worse than that.

    If it's just boredom/routine then you can spice things up and maybe the feelings come back, but if it's deeper than that (say you were cheated on, beaten or your partner is an addict, has debts and keeps making the same mistake over & over again) it is usually not possible to go back to those feelings.

    I had this happen with my soon-to-be ex husband, he has a really bad temper and it got worse when we got married (i.e. he blew up at me rather than blow up at work etc., I guess he thought it was "safe") and I explained to him many times how every time he shouted at me and called me names in a rage he killed off a bit of what I felt for him.

    He never listened and it got worse & worse, so when I realised the love I had once felt for him was turning into hatred, I told him, right after yet another HUGE blowup, when I broke down crying and saying "Right, you told me to ****** off back to my own country, so I will". He broke down and pleaded with me, and again I fell for it like the sucker that I am.

    However, this time, with my good feelings for him destroyed once and for all, I didn't just forgive & forget but I pondered and pondered until I finally came to the conclusion that leaving him was the only right thing to do, and so I left a month after that huge fight.

    In spite of all this, it still came as a total surprise for him, he was shocked and claimed he had thought everything was going fine! I guess even when you repeatedly say something, if someone doesn't want to listen then they are not going to hear what you're trying to say.

    It takes two to tango, and while I in no way promote leaving a relationship at the drop of a hat, if there is something seriously wrong then there's only so many chances you can give someone.

    If it's just down to boredom however, then I don't see why there shouldn't be a chance of reconciliation when one partner feels that their love has gone.

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    Old 10-24-2003, 05:10 AM   #3
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    Also you may still "love" the person, but realize you cannot be with that person. You are not compatible for whatever reason.
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    Old 10-24-2003, 07:07 AM   #4
    shockedandawed
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    Butterfly,

    If you've read my saga, then you know I am facing this issue after a 20 year relationship.

    I don't think it is necessarily turning love off. Relationships can grow stale, a new person enters the picture and all those tingles come rushing back. By focusing on the "tingles" the person soon convinces themselve that they must not have loved the other person like they should. In many cases, to justify what they are doing, they persue the new relationship in a sense to hold moral standing. Sure, it's wrong, but we must be meant for each other. Also, reinforcing what is wrong with the current relationship over and over tends to make someone forget about why they were in love originally. Sorry to ramble but I think it is usually deeper than just turning it off although that is the way it appears.

     
    Old 10-24-2003, 07:40 AM   #5
    Jennak
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    What kind of person can turn off love like it is a lightswitch? Usually a person who never knew how to love at all. Lots of people can say it, even thinking that they mean it--when in actuality they have never really loved anyone or anything--even themselves.

    jenna

     
    Old 10-24-2003, 05:37 PM   #6
    Speechie
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    Again, Jenna, you are reading my mind! I too, loved my boyfriend and after we broke up, he went right back to his ex, and I too, thought, how do you act as if you never this person, never said I love you, never made promises that you didn't intend on keeping? The answer is that we will never know, and that a fact in life is that there will be numerous questions in our lives that will just never be answered the way we want them to. But it just tell us to be wary of the individual who does do that, because they are probably afraid to be alone with themselves, and when and if they attempt to figure out who they are, they are afraid of finding out something that they do not want to believe about themselves, and that is a shame, because the only way to grow and learn from life and mistakes, is to get to know yourself and recognize choices you have made, so you are stronger and more wiser in the future. I realize that you still love your boyfriend, part of me still loves mine, but would you really want to get back together with someone who can act as though you were never a part of their lives? Believe me, it is his problem not yours. Hang in there.

     
    Old 10-24-2003, 05:51 PM   #7
    butterfly2003
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    Everyone's opinions are great! I think a little bit of all of them describe him and what he has done. What does everyone think about someone who falls out of love with someone who is not ready to move in? We are only 20 and he doesn't want me because I was not ready to move in right away. What does everyone feel about this? Is this a normal thing for a guy to do?

     
    Old 10-24-2003, 07:36 PM   #8
    Speechie
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    I think that your boyfriend falling out of love with you because you do not want to move in with him is an excuse. If he really loved you, he would respect the fact that you were not ready for such a commitment.

     
    Old 10-26-2003, 05:17 AM   #9
    ellekay
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    Moving on quickly normally means he never loved u at all....or denial.

    Elle

     
    Old 10-26-2003, 08:22 AM   #10
    MJK98
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    My recent ex Bf of 10 plus months i think is like that he was in love with me right away, he couldnt get enough of me if we werent together he was calling night and day professing this love he has for me and i knew in my heart that this is a guy that loves to be in love and as fast as he fell in love and would win my heart which he did he would fall out of love and i was right, there are people who love to love and than they get bored and move on to another one . Unfortunetly there is nothing we can do about people like this , my ex still calls but there is nothing between us anymore and as fast as this all went down its over between us and im not even attempting to try and figure it out ....I know your in pain ( im just getting over my pain)about it but you too will meet someone else as i will and forget ......Good Luck and stay strong

     
    Old 10-27-2003, 09:53 PM   #11
    butterfly2003
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    I know this sounds ridiculous but is it really possible that after 5 years together he really didn't love me? That is really hard to except. So, does he love this girl? If he does, how is this fair at all. I loved and gave all the time I could for him, to just have him dump me and move on and truly love another girl! That is like someone putting someone through college and supporting them monetarily, to just being dumped and used. I know that life is not fair, but can he really love this girl? Do people like him change?

     
    Old 10-30-2003, 03:07 AM   #12
    ellekay
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    I feel for you...i really do but our hands are tied in situations like these.
    It sounds to me like he's using this girl to get over u and get on with his life.
    He obviosly did love u, otherwise he wouldnt have stuck around for that long. He's probably with this girl to just gratify his own needs. She's prpbably just what he WANTS right now, but it'll eventually get old and he'll realise.
    I sympathise with u...this is horrible to go through.

     
    Old 10-30-2003, 09:00 AM   #13
    hillarynotclinton
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    I was in an on-and-off relationship for 10 years with my 7-year olds father. He was the love of my life. Everytime we broke up I wanted him back desperately. But years went by and I became a mother and grew up, but he didnt. The last 2 years I spent with him were so frustrating, my feelings dissipated a little each day. I fell out of love with him and left him for good. He couldn't understand it, but I think I did a fairly good job of communicating how frustrated I was with him immaturity. Whatever feelings I had for him are totally dead. There is not even a spark left. I got married pretty shortly after leaving him, and I know that devastated him, but I didnt even care anymore.He has finally moved on. He got married recently, according to a mutual friend. Im not happy for him and I do not wish him anything bad either. I have no feelings about it whatsoever. So, yes, I guess you can turn off love, but maybe for different reasons.

    [This message has been edited by hillarynotclinton (edited 10-30-2003).]

     
    Old 10-30-2003, 06:52 PM   #14
    butterfly2003
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    Ellekay, thank you for your advice and support. I know that he loved me, but if you love someone do you leave them if they dont move in with you? We had other problems, but what kind of man does that! This is just very hard because I was dumped and replaced. I could never have left him, but if it was the other way around it wouldn't hurt as bad! Am I insane to still miss him and love him after all that he has done? Is it insane to sit here and miss him so bad while he is with that girl? I just feel like such a loser! I thought I meant more to him, I thought we were special. We had so many things we did just unique to us. Does he do those things with her? Do you think he can already love her?

     
    Old 10-30-2003, 11:03 PM   #15
    conniefo
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    Hello! I feel that alot of people mistake lust and being comfortable with someone for love. Love is a very strong word and it is a word that is misused so often in life. I donot think that one just falls out of love but out of lust and they get bored and feel the need to walk away from a relationship to find the excitement that they once had with you in someone else. I never use the words I Love You unless I mean it with all my heart. I have been hurt too many times by those words and I just feel that people should not say those words unless they are meant

     
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