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  • How to deal with an overbearing father

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    Old 11-03-2010, 05:59 AM   #1
    debell83
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    How to deal with an overbearing father

    My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 2 years. We have had our bumps in the road but we have worked through everything and our doing great.. except one problem. She is 25 years old, she still lives with her parents and I am 27 years old and I have my own house in the same city. She has relied on her parents for everything throughout her life and since we got serious in our relationship I've tried to help her move away from that and help her do things on her own.

    We spend about two to three nights a week together plus go out during the days some times as well. Her father is SMOTHERING to say the least. He calls her at least 6-8 times a day, she has to check in whenever she gets to where she's going, and if she doesn't he will call and call and call and then come and find her.

    This is beginning to put a strain on our relationship. I love her dearly and we both have discussed marriage and I do see myself spending the rest of my life with her, but this issue is really bothering me. We have spoke about it and while she seems to understand a little bit, her response is always "that's the way he is, I can't change that". I don't know what else to do.

    Please understand that this isn't just a simple father worrying about his daughter, this is obsessive to the point where she works two part time jobs and he showed up at the wrong one and basically flipped out because she wasn't there. He got mixed up on where she was working that morning and when he showed up and she wasn't there he was asking staff "what do you mean you don't know where she is?".

    Her father and I have a good relationship. We talk on the phone often about random things that happen at his work, when he's looking for items at good prices, etc. I feel like he trusts me and respects me. Honestly, it hurts to have to deal with this because I feel like I can't worry about her at all because he does so much of it and smothers her so much that it's overwhelming if I do it.

    Last night, I went out to eat with my father and knew my girlfriend would be getting out of work a bit earlier. She works by herself at night and so I told her I would come meet her when she gets out to make sure she's safe because her dad was worried when he talked to me earlier in the day and I assured him I would go. As I call her, of course her father came up to meet her as she was getting out. I take offense to this because I feel like I can't do things that a loving and caring boyfriend would do because he's always there, always calling, always coming over, etc.

    I hope I don't sound like a jerk to anyone here because I do NOT expect her not to talk to her father at all. I am not trying to break up her relationship with her family. I love the fact that she is close with her mother and father, but I do believe that this is a bit excessive and I don't know how to approach it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

     
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    Old 11-03-2010, 06:46 AM   #2
    rosequartz
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    Re: How to deal with an overbearing father

    does SHE see it as a problem? If so, she will have to bring it up to him.....if you do, you will look like the bad guy

     
    Old 11-03-2010, 09:13 AM   #3
    debell83
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    Re: How to deal with an overbearing father

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    does SHE see it as a problem? If so, she will have to bring it up to him.....if you do, you will look like the bad guy
    Thank you for your reply.

    She does see it as a problem and she has felt this way for a while but feels like their is nothing she can do. She says that her mother and her have talked to him and that it lasts for two days and then it goes back to the same thing. I have gotten to know her mother and her (obviously) quite well and they are very easy going people. I am sure that they don't stick to their guns and get very lax after a few days and allow him to get right back into the same routine.

    It's understandable for a father to be concerned about his daughter and once again I don't expect him not to be. I do feel that this is excessive to the point of obsession. It's really putting a strain on us and I'm not quite sure what to do.

     
    Old 11-03-2010, 09:19 AM   #4
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    Re: How to deal with an overbearing father

    well there's nothing you can really do.....
    if she's not willing or able to do something about it, you're pretty much stuck....do you really want the type of girlfriend who won't stand up for herself?

     
    Old 11-03-2010, 09:27 AM   #5
    debell83
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    Re: How to deal with an overbearing father

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    well there's nothing you can really do.....
    if she's not willing or able to do something about it, you're pretty much stuck....do you really want the type of girlfriend who won't stand up for herself?
    I really do appreciate your honesty and replies.

    Do you feel that I am overreacting or do you think that this is a legitimate concern of mine? Please be 100% honest with me, regardless.

     
    Old 11-03-2010, 09:45 AM   #6
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    Re: How to deal with an overbearing father

    I do not think you're over-reacting at all...I think this guy needs to cut the umbilical cord.....she's 25 for heavens sake, not 15.....
    his actions do seem a little obsessive, and not real healthy.....

     
    Old 11-03-2010, 09:46 AM   #7
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    Re: How to deal with an overbearing father

    also.....in the dads defense....she's relied on them for everything....time for HER to grow up a little bit too.....
    sounds like a co-dependent relationship

     
    Old 11-03-2010, 12:45 PM   #8
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    Re: How to deal with an overbearing father

    She needs to put her foot down and keep things that way. Letting her father go back to his ways after a couple of days isn't going to solve this.

    Ultimately this is something she has to work out with her father, I wouldn't suggest you get in the middle of it.

     
    Old 11-04-2010, 07:23 AM   #9
    debell83
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    Re: How to deal with an overbearing father

    Thank you for all the replies. She has relied on him more than normal.. but she is starting to stray away. She is a very down to earth person and understands that she has to work hard for things, but she has been spoiled quite a bit by him over the years.

    I've said my peace and I know it bothered her, but I think she understands. We had a big argument about this but hopefully after we both cool off she can understand where I'm coming from. I guess we will see..

     
    Old 11-04-2010, 07:29 AM   #10
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    Re: How to deal with an overbearing father

    good that you spoke your mind......
    she brought this on by being dependent on him, and relying on him "more than normal"
    she can't have it both ways, she has to decide if she wants to grow up and be an independent woman, or if she'd rather be a "daddy's girl"......
    I imagine being with a daddy's girl is just as bothersome (for a man), as being with a mama's boy is for a woman!
    good luck

     
    Old 11-04-2010, 09:53 AM   #11
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    Re: How to deal with an overbearing father

    Getting her own place would do wonders for her independence. I think everyone should experience a period of independence, which does not mean no dating, but means working, paying your bills, and living in your own place. If she goes right from this situation to marriage, you'll presumably fill the role of her father and she'll miss a huge opportunity to learn about herself and the world, build confidence in herself, and grow as a person.

     
    Old 11-04-2010, 01:41 PM   #12
    debell83
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    Re: How to deal with an overbearing father

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    good that you spoke your mind......
    she brought this on by being dependent on him, and relying on him "more than normal"
    she can't have it both ways, she has to decide if she wants to grow up and be an independent woman, or if she'd rather be a "daddy's girl"......
    I imagine being with a daddy's girl is just as bothersome (for a man), as being with a mama's boy is for a woman!
    good luck
    I'm glad that I am not over reacting, or at least you don't feel that I am. I am trying to be very understanding with all of this. She's an only child so I can understand from that point of view. It's just difficult to deal with because I feel like I can't be caring or worried at all because he does it for the both of us.

    She finally said today that she would "talk to him". I told her this isn't something that can change over night. She has to show him that she does not need him around her 24/7. It's a process. Let's see how it goes...

     
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