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  • I am engaged to the perfect man....but my heart is helplessly elsewhere....

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    Old 11-06-2010, 07:41 PM   #1
    Moddre
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    Unhappy I am engaged to the perfect man....but my heart is helplessly elsewhere....

    About 2 and half years ago, a wonderful man came into my life and took on the great responsibility of loving me. He is a caring, selfless and self-sustaining man, who does everything he can in his power for me –the kind of man that will find a way to make me happy before he first considers saying “no” to me. The truth is, as he and I have spoken, that he loves more in this relationship. For the first time in my life, I am actually the recipient of the love from the more giving party. He even jokes and says that he is the chick in the relationship. Having been a child of sexual abuse, child abuse, parental deception and disappointment among many other things, I considered him God’s ultimate blessing and compensation for everything I had endured. I have long since thought about my childhood or the memories that cling from it but with his presence in my life, I felt like I finally caught a break.

    From early adolescence, I have had many admirers and also many romantic relationships- all which failed because I put these men in pedestals and when they didn’t live up to my mentally-made expectations, I would be disappointed and heartbroken. When I met my fiancé, I had just begun to recover from a seriously unhealthy and violative relationship and consequential break-up. He asked me out several times before we finally went out on a date. He tells me he loved me from the first night he ever laid eyes on me….it took me nearly 3 months to tell him I loved him. There was never an exchange of a spark or a burst of energy between us but I ultimately fell in love his with the goodness of his amazing heart. I made a promise to myself that being the man he was, I would love him for that and not based on my expectations or my own desires of whom I wanted him to be. He has talked about marriage from the moment we started dating and although I would reciprocate to the idea as well, I was never one to first discussed it. He wants me to take his last name and have children with him …none of which I don’t want to, and yes, he is aware of this.

    I am currently in med school and although we have been doing long distance for over a year, we see each other quite frequently because he comes visit me due to my ever-evolving academic schedule. Since I have been here, I have met a lot of people and I have always made his presence known as a forefront of my identity. All my classmates know of him and those who have met him, love him. Our problems extend to 3 things: his lack of motivation, his desire for me reciprocate just as much as he does and the fact that he hasn’t moved here as he first promised before I left for med school. Please understand that we have a great relationship -the best that I have EVER had- and aside from these things, I don’t have much to complain about….except what follows below.

    I recently met my fiancé’s replica…except the Hispanic version- the only difference between these 2 amazing men is a cultural one. Being of Cuban decent and carrying a cultural pride like I do has made for an interesting combination with my fiancé considering he is American. He is my best friend and there isn’t a single thing he doesn’t know about me, but there is a cultural divide between us. I didn’t realize how big this gap was until I met this recent classmate, who is also of Cuban decent. In the short time I have known CUBA, I can actually place him in the same category of heart as my fiancé. Just as selfless and caring… From the moment we met, there has been an undeniable explosive tension between us that surpasses ANY connection I have ever felt- including my current relationship. This tension is not just physica…there is an emotional, spiritual almost perfect connection between us. I am pretty sure that at this point, we are having an “emotional affair”. I can’t stop thinking about him. He consumes my thoughts day and night and the only time my minds rests is when I’m with him. He has made me question everything about my life, my identity and my relationship. He constantly contacts me and takes any and every chance to be next to me, even if it’s surrounded with other people. We communicate through our stares and smiles and perfectly understand each other without ever exchanging a word. He won’t or can’t release me from his poisonous wrath and in all sincerely, I don’t know that I would have him do so.

    I feel like the scum of the earth. I made a promise to my fiancé, I gave him my word and I am failing miserably. As I write this tonight, I feel like I am drowning [or at least I deserve to drown] in my own misery. In the wise words of the Stealers Wheels, I am “trying to make sense of it all, but I can see that it makes no sense at all”…. How can I feel this much for someone else if I am suppose to be in love with my fiancé? HOW or why can I possibly feel such strong feelings for another man? Did I settle because I felt like he was God’s gift to me? Is he really the ONE for me? Or was I with him as a stepping stone to meet Cuba?

    I know these questions are burdensome. I feel like there is no real clear answer here but I am positing this because I want your perspective. I realize you will perhaps judge me as selfish….even a hypocrite, but I also realize that is only normal as I myself have never felt so out of control in my life- so conflicted…What am I not seeing? What am I doing with my life? How do I fix this? Please, help me. Shed any light you can as I am seemingly irreversibly lost.

    Last edited by Moddre; 11-06-2010 at 07:46 PM.

     
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    Old 11-06-2010, 08:14 PM   #2
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    Re: I am engaged to the perfect man....but my heart is helplessly elsewhere....

    Moddre,

    We are not here to judge you, we are all so similar when to comes right down to it. Your sitiation has been the basis of love stories throughout all time...It's a classic! I can feel the pain and confusion in your words, after all this is a tough decision.

    I encourage you to stop the contact with Cuba until you have had a chance to properly analyze your situation. You do owe your fiancee the truth, as much as it may hurt. The engagement should be made indefinite. It sounds like you need some "me" time before you cause an accidental train wreck. Since things have swung into action very fast, they should also be halted until you choose who you are going to choose, it can't be both. That is where the scum feeling comes from.

    Free your mind, step back, breathe deeply and your heart will tell you the answer.

     
    Old 11-07-2010, 05:25 AM   #3
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    Re: I am engaged to the perfect man....but my heart is helplessly elsewhere....

    Just remember that just because CUBA may seem the perfect man too, you cannot possibly know if he's really that great until you've spent time dating him as you have your fiance'. What you feel now is lust for this seemingly perfect man. Did you feel there was something missing in your relationship before you met Mr. CUBA wonderful? Just remember, people can act one way when they are trying to win you over but can change into monsters once they have!
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    Old 11-07-2010, 07:03 AM   #4
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    Re: I am engaged to the perfect man....but my heart is helplessly elsewhere....

    i don't think your ready for a serious relationship yet.

     
    Old 11-07-2010, 07:48 AM   #5
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    Re: I am engaged to the perfect man....but my heart is helplessly elsewhere....

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Moddre View Post

    From early adolescence, I have had many admirers and also many romantic relationships- all which failed because I put these men in pedestals and when they didn’t live up to my mentally-made expectations, I would be disappointed and heartbroken.
    Where does CUBA fit into this pattern? Were some of these previous romantic relationships similar to what you are experiencing with this new guy? For as short a time as you've known him, it sounds like he's up on that pedestal.

     
    Old 11-07-2010, 09:01 AM   #6
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    Re: I am engaged to the perfect man....but my heart is helplessly elsewhere....

    Resolution is right, you've got Cuba standing on that same pedestal. Once you get him, who's to say he won't fall off once you find out he's human and has faults, and that he can't possibly live up to the image of perfection you've built up?

    That being said, it doesn't matter how "perfect" a guy is on paper (fiance), if you're not feeling it then you're not feeling it. Just because you SHOULD be in love with someone doesn't mean you ARE. And of course, you can love someone without being IN LOVE with them.

     
    Old 11-10-2010, 12:09 AM   #7
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    Re: I am engaged to the perfect man....but my heart is helplessly elsewhere....

    I am in the same position, but on the receiving end. I am not saying that I am the perfect man but I cannot do enough for my fiancee and it seems that from where I am, that will never be enough. I know she loves me, but I don't think she is IN love with me. The grass is always greener but still has the same taste in my experience. You cannot force someone to love you if they don't. It's not fair. It is upsetting to see this from your perspective as I wish my other half would open up like that to me and tell me what she feels. I could cut my feet off for her if she asked but it is just about being walked all over at the end of the day and nobody deserves that.

     
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