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Need help with a negative mother

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Old 01-02-2011, 07:29 AM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Illinois
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BAJ542 HB User
Angry Need help with a negative mother

This is my first post, so bear with me. I'm desperate and need some advice on how to deal with my mother.

I currently live with my mother and my 4 children. Difficult isnt the word for it. I wish I could move out, but thats not an option right now. Financially I cant do it.

My mother and I have a very difficult relationship...always. She's very controlling and honestly, very mean. She finds great joy in bringing others down.

Heres the living situation. I work full-time, go to school full-time, clean the house, laundry, take care of 4 teenagers (who have been a saint in all of this but absolutely hates her), cook, etc etc. But its never enough for her. She constantly wants more of me than I have. I cant go anywhere with just the kids because she throws a tantrum like a 2 year old because we didnt invite her. So everywhere I go, she has to go.

She demands that my 17 year old son get her breakfast every morning, including even in a blizzard. I refused to wake him up and make him drive in a blizzard to get her breakfast. She threw a fit. I still didn't do it. She refuses to do anything for herself anymore...she EXPECTS me or the kids to do it.

For her cruel ways, heres an example. My best friend lost her father and her brother in a car accident 2 years ago. While going to my graduation, she informs me that she can understand why they were killed if they drove like her. (She was driving the speed limit and not driving insanely either) Now my best friend refuses to come over and deal with her. I cant blame her.

My mother also talks to the kids about me. And its never good. She tells them that I spend too much time in my room (to avoid her at all costs), I never do enough, and basically says how bad of a mother I am or how horrible of a daughter I am. She absolutely hates my kids and is constantly criticizes them. I had to tell her NOT to call her grandson a "hateful *******" or " an *******" and not to call her granddaughter an "idiot". She'll even make the comment that she didn't have 4 children because she didn't have to be "kicked in the head more than once."

She sits and sleeps on my couch 24 hours a day while we wait on her. If we dont, she'll either throw a tantrum or wont speak to us for days. Which is nice sometimes, but causes tension in the house.

I dont know what else to do. I feel I have no control over my life. I have been through therapy, but couldn't afford it anymore. I have stood up to her, but she wears you down. I'm exhausted. She's not only difficult, but everything is about her only. According to her, I'm here for her only. I have no life to speak of, I never go out because either I have to take her or she's demanding what time I'm going to be home. And I better be home at that time, or shes ****** and takes it out on the kids.

Any suggestions? She's 60 years old and is on dialysis. I understand she doesn't feel well most of the time, but I'm tired of her taking it out on me and my kids.

Please help!

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Old 01-02-2011, 10:09 AM   #2
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outlandish HB User
Re: Need help with a negative mother

Wow sounds like a tough situation! I would make her move out personally!

Old 01-02-2011, 10:24 AM   #3
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Re: Need help with a negative mother

In all Honesty. I think you and your children need to get out of there ASAP.

If you can, take out a loan to pay a deposit on an apartment of your own, Or just save save save!

I am in the UK, so I don't know what services there are in your area, but look into homeless accomodation for you and your family, Under 18s are still dependants.
Go to your doctor and explain to him how distressed this living situation is making you, and the children.

I hope you can get this sorted soon, there's nothing worse than living with someone who is insanely controlling, bitter and hostile, not to mention lazy and selfish.

It wouldn't be good to stay there, and there is always a way out, you just have to find it

Wish you the best of luck x

Old 01-02-2011, 05:28 PM   #4
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Re: Need help with a negative mother

yeah your mums a control freak. a bully , selfish and is probably bored with her own life and is miserable so she passes it on to you. how dare she say awful things about you to your kids. thats so damaging to the kids and must hurt hearing your mum bad mouth you. get out of there. do whatever it takes. you are wasting away on unhappiness and control.

Old 01-21-2011, 12:19 PM   #5
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LitS917 HB User
Re: Need help with a negative mother

is there anyway you can maybe persuade her to putting the house up for sale and she could downsize and live in a smaller place while you use some money towards your own house? if thats a possibility, i say go for it!

or put her in a senior citizen development?!!

otherewise just go out with your kids only, the hell with her! what is she going to do? lock you out?!! that's when you call the cops and make a scene .. if that happens, the police will acknowledge the harm/danger she's putting your teenagers in by throwing everyone out on the street and maybe she'll knock it off!

or maybe threaten her with a harassment lawsuit?
or bring her to the doctors and see if she can take some type of depression / medication to help her chill out?!!

there's something causing all the negativity... is she a widow? does she have a partner? maybe she's lonely and needs a male companion?!

my mom's the same way... very negative, nothing nice to say to me or my fiance and puts him down to make herself feel better. she always tries to convince me to leave him and look for someone else, but I'm happy and content and enjoy my life. i think she's jealous b/c I finally moved out of her house, and i spend all my time with him...

sometimes you have to take risks... or just ignore it until you're put in a better situation. now that you have a degree, find a great job, start saving, and find a house to rent... there's some cheap ones on craigslist.. you can probably find a house to rent for $1000-$1500/mo ... if your kids are old enough to work, have them work a few hours a week and contribute.

best of luck!

Old 01-21-2011, 12:49 PM   #6
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Re: Need help with a negative mother

Ouch, what a painful situation for yourself and your children. It is honorable that they are being such sports about grandma.

Living in such a negative environment is so unhealthy for everyone, but I know no one knows that better than you do.

Since you have mentioned that you cannot get away from her, I would encourage you to take every possible chance you have to get your children out of the house, so you can all talk openly. Praise them for their understanding, and let them come up with some ideas for making this horrible situation better, both now, and down the road. The more they feel empowered to have a voice the better.

Together hopefully you can come up with some coping strategies that you all can use. I also have very critical, negative parents that think they are perfect. They never hug or kiss me or my children. Their typical conversation is always one way, with them giving example of other peoples children doing so much better than us. In truth, we are very happy together, and I am so proud of my children. They wonder why we hardly ever visit. We always have something to do to get us out of their house, and they seem happy when we leave. It is such a hurtful situation. I can understand how you feel. My heart goes out to you.

Keep your children close to your heart, and I would go so far as to have a very frank talk with your mother about what is, and is NOT acceptable as far as language and remarks made to your children or about your children. When she chooses to make another rude or insensitive comment, I would come up with an immediate consequence, such as all of you leaving the room and go to your room....something you all come up with together.

No need to argue, no need to fight, tell her once, and let her sit alone.

Give your kids a big hug, and have a very frank talk with your mother. Then act together.

Again, I am very sorry for you difficult situation...

Last edited by writeleft; 01-21-2011 at 12:54 PM.

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