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Depressed bf becoming distant

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Old 01-03-2011, 08:08 PM   #1
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Depressed bf becoming distant

I've been dating my bf for 4 months, but we had an instant connection and both agreed we felt different than we had with previous relationships. Everything was great at first, but he's suffering from depression and it's affecting our relationship.

Lately he is becoming distant and uninterested in lots of things or really anything physical. He's suffered depression before and he's been very open about it with me and we've had discussions about it before this bout.

Unfortunately, he now also is experiencing some financial problems after taking time off from work to deal with the depression, which has added to the stress and depression. We're both in tight financial situations, which makes it hard to even go out and do fun things.
He says he doesn't want to lose me and cares, but he's afraid to get too close so I don't get hurt by him and his illness. I know he cares and I can't walk away...I know it's not a personal thing toward me, but it is hard to see him distant and feeling like I almost have to force any physical contact lately. on one hand, he doesn't turn me away if I try to cuddle or kiss, but we haven't had sex in almost 2 months. When he was at his lowest point, he had trouble with erections, so i think that may be part of it too.

I am there to support him, but how can i help him deal with the depression and get back to his old self and still keep my sanity!? I've done alot of reading, and still have my personal interests and activities, but I can't help but worry about him... I've never felt this strongly about someone and can't walk away, but it's hard to deal with someone who was initially very open and physical and interested now being so distant. help!

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Old 01-03-2011, 10:16 PM   #2
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Re: Depressed bf becoming distant

He will probably spend his life going through episodes like this. It is your life too,and you need to examine closely where you will be in all this. I know that when it passes (as much as it will ever pass) and you are still there for him, it will be the greatest thing you can do for him. You must learn what you can do and what is beating your head against a wall. He doesn't want to be distant, but the main thing about depression is that he is sort of trapped in his head at the moment. Be there physically, be yourself, go about your life together as normal. It will not last forever. The hardest thing is accepting that his illness may not really allow him to be close to you sometimes. Can you accept this? Is he on medication? Sera

Last edited by Seraph; 01-03-2011 at 11:34 PM. Reason: Spelling

Old 01-03-2011, 10:49 PM   #3
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Re: Depressed bf becoming distant

he needs to see a doctor, or a counsellor so he can work on his problems. i think that thats the only way forward for him. encourage him to see a counsellor. also taking a nice walk in a park costs nothing so maybe you two could do that if you can't afford to go out and do something special sometimes , or watch a comedy movie together and get a take out, try and do fun things. get him books to read on coping with depression. its obvious you both care for eachother and its really sweet, i wish you luck xxx

Old 01-04-2011, 01:52 PM   #4
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Re: Depressed bf becoming distant

Thanks to both of you for your responses! Nice to know I'm maybe not the only one dealing with issues like this...
He has seen a counsellor before and was taking meds, but when he took time off work to deal the counsellor he was sent to agreed he was suffering depression, but did not approve his time off, so he ended up taking a month off work and not getting paid and went back to work in almost a worst position than initially... as a result, he's now in a period of being almost anti-counsellor's because the frustrating result last time. I think he's adjusting to being off his meds, but said it's a change and he's frustrated because he almost 'doesn't feel' anything lately... I guess the lack of feeling makes it hard to be affectionate and tell me how he feels...
I think alot of it is my job right now.. not in making him better, but in realizing that his issues are not with me, and so I almost have to offer my support and just wait and hope he comes back around. What makes it harder is that we live 30 minutes apart so i can't just pop over and see how he's doing etc, which gets frustrating when he's down and doesn't want to be seen or do anything.
On a positive note, I did see a new book on his bedside table... "Keeping the love you find"... so I think he wants to make it work too
I know it's hard for the depressed person, but it can also be just as hard as the one supporting, I just hope I'm strong enough to be that person because I don't want to be without him.

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