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cryingforever 01-06-2011 11:07 PM

Feeling alone in this relationship
Newbie here, hello people.

Ok heres my story. I been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we get on fine , no arguments BUT he does not pay me much attention, hardly any at all. I am starting to feel lonely, resentful towards him and seriously bored with this relationship, i also think my feelings are slowly drifting away. He is a serious xbox 360 addict and has been for years even before i met him but if i had of known it was going to be like this i wouldnt even bother. He does not work, does not even try to look for work often, sleeps in till the afternoon, goes to bed at ridiculous times in the early hours. I have been job hunting, and applied for college aswell just waiting to hear back from them by post. I forgot to mention we live together. He does make an effort maybe once every 3 weeks but its not enough he will be on his xbox from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep, his friends come along to join him aswell and they just sit around all day and night playing games and I dont get even spoken to it is like i am invisible. Trying to find a new place to live but keep thinking should i really move to the same area or is it just a waste of time and move to another area we wouldnt be miles away but i still feel maybe its a waste of time moving close because i think what if i leave him i dont like change i dont like bumping into ex's i just want to be far away from them which would mean moving again and that takes time. i have someone who has offered a property swap with me but thats like 3 minutes away from where my boyfriend lives. un sure of what to do but i know one thing i am getting seriously fed up and depressed. feel so sad. even when he wakes up he doesnt give me a hug in bed anymore he just gets up and goes straight to xbox. he smokes weed aswell :(

Thanks for reading, sorry it's a long story had to get it all out though. :(

Heartthrob 01-07-2011 12:35 AM

Re: Feeling alone in this relationship
This is a sad story and a you seem to have your life at stake. It seems either you have to rehabilitate him or change the relationship. If he does not change and keeps living on drugs and your presence goes unnoticed and you do not get even a hug you will have to take the step that makes your path to your future clear. You can be humane and understanding but you have a life too and your age is vital and you have to decide or else you will have to cry the rest of your life. Consult counselors and reach a decision

cryingforever 01-07-2011 12:57 AM

Re: Feeling alone in this relationship
appreciate your response!!!

i am in counselling but have not been going long. they suggested to get a place of my own so we don't see eachother everyday i have also talked to my boyfriend about everything thats going on and he seems to think that when we don't see eachother everyday that he will make time for me. but why not now? why put me through this lonelyness and pain feeling till i can move? am i not worth time now? i have asked him how he feels about me and he says he loves me but hardly tells me i always say it first then he says it back. i have also asked about how he feels about the relationship and he says he wants the relationship. doesnt treat me like he does.

crying as i typed that i feel so sad and lonely i have broke down in tears before and still not much change. he only comes over to hug me when he i am sat on chair on the computer and he comes over and puts music on and sits on my knee and hugs me while hes selecting the songs he wants on apart from that not really much.

i have also been getting out alot lately so we have time apart and he doesnt seem to miss me, still not much affection, he just says ''hello'' in a sweet way when i come in which i do appreciate. my pet may not live and had to rush him to the vets this morning so as you can imagine i am worried and feeling upset aswell as seen upsetting things in the vets today like people coming out crying because they had to put them pets to sleep and thinking what if i have to do that with my pet anyway still no support or words of comfort from him. its so annoying when on ** my friends are saying they had a lovely romantic holiday or there getting wed or they going out for a special dinner or there boyfriends/girlfriends bought them flowers or something and my boyfriend doesnt buy me anything but thats nothing major but still i wish my boyfriend put abit more into the relationship than his stupid xbox.

i feel that when i move into a new property nothing will change. do i risk it and see what happens or just accept that nothings going to change? apart from when hes concerntrating on his stupid xbox he is nice to me but when his friends are here its like i dont even exist no one talks to me at all maybe to ask me if i want a cup of tea because ones making everyone one as they all take it in turns to make the brews. i resent his ignorant friends now that i dont try speak to them anymore which has resulted in them not liking me (i dont think they like me anyway) but they was damn right ignorant first.

i have been trying so hard to concerntrate on ME and go to my counselling, look for my own place to live etc but this is still upsetting for me. i try see my friends but they live quite far away and i need money to go see them but with christmas and vet bills i have been super skint.

the thing i am most scared of well theres 2 things, me moving out and nothing changing and i am terrified of falling out of love with him and not want HIM anymore. i feel it slowly and i mean very slowly heading that way but i am still suffering inbetween.

Heartthrob 01-07-2011 01:09 AM

Re: Feeling alone in this relationship
My friend, he is also a victim and he is so much addicted to it he is not on the point to returning to normal. Yes he needs you too and that is why he looks caring. But you are unhappy. But it is your personal domain and only your decisions matter and we are just well wishing friends and we never can give the final solution. Anyway you have to take a decision. Either you must be able to change him or take a different step. Do not ruin yourself

Ely4 01-07-2011 05:39 AM

Re: Feeling alone in this relationship
You can't change him, he has to do that himself and he's showing no signs of even wanting to.

Go ahead and move out and take it from there. If things stay the same then you have your answer.

cryingforever 01-07-2011 05:58 AM

Re: Feeling alone in this relationship
thanks for the response yeah i will do that shame i have to suffer till then though it is extremely diffacult and painful aswell.

Larrylou'smom 01-07-2011 09:31 AM

Re: Feeling alone in this relationship
I understand that your fear of falling out of love with him and things changing is a real fear for you, and I don't want to discount or invalidate that fear, but I must admit I don't really understand it. If I were in your shoes, I'd be much more afraid of waking up five years down the road and still supporting this xbox playing doper, who still does nothing but play games and smoke pot all day. That will be five years of your precious live wasted, that you will never get back, and you not being anywhere closer to the things you really want, a real relationship, a man who is loving and attentive, a family, a home, etc. We all have exes, and no, running into them is not always fun, but it's a part of life. You can't stay with someone JUST because you're afraid he'll be an ex and then you'll have to run into him. He was part of your life once, you outgrew him, the relationship ran its course, and now you're not together anymore, you run into him, it happens. Is that really harder, is that really the worse course of action, than forcing yourself to stay in love with somoene who gives you absolutely NOTHING real relationship-wise?

Here's the thing most people don't know or don't want to admit about marijuana - it dulls the brain and kills ambition. Yes, it "mellows" you out, but over time, that "mellow" turns into just not caring about anything, especially if he smoked a lot while he was still a teenager and his brain was still growing and developing. He may have caused permanent damage, and will never really care about anything real and never have any life ambition.

He is who he is and he's not going to change for you. You can choose to either let him drag you down with him, which would not be wise, or you can choose your own life and move on. But like they say, this is your life, only you know what makes you happy, and only you will be unhappy if you don't go out and get it.

cryingforever 01-07-2011 10:05 AM

Re: Feeling alone in this relationship
i'm not staying with him because i fear him been an ex. i stay because i love him still and want to see if me moving out will change anything before walking away for good. believe me i would not spend much more time putting up with this nevermind 5 years or so on...i just couldnt. my concern was that he suggests i move into the same area and i am not sure because if things dont change i will be ending the relationship then i would be living close. me and change dont go very well with eachother i cope badly. i just think is they any point in moving in the same area if its just going to be over anyway after me seeing no change. over time i am getting stronger and i have had self confident issues but i have been working so damn hard on this in order to be in a position where i feel happy within myself and strong enough to make it on my own incase it is over between us. i am going to give it abit more time and see if things do change when i move out because there is always a chance he would make the effort or miss me as he will see me independent and confident so that makes some men more attracted to a person like that and want to stay with. if i left him now i would of never known if he had of changed and i could miss out on something special but obviously it can go the other way aswell like if i stuck around and nothing changed. i am willing to see it for a little while but not for too long. got my own time limit. i sent him a message on ** telling him that i am close to leaving if nothing changes i said alot of things. i decided to not talk to him about it face to face as i already have done at least when he reads my message he can properly read it and think on it. its not easy just to walk away from someone as if its a simple thing, it is in some ways but emotionally its not.

cryingforever 01-07-2011 10:07 AM

Re: Feeling alone in this relationship
also i think maybe hes seeing that i am getting seriously fed up because he has made alot of fuss of me today , made time for me, cuddling me. making an effort , i can't knock it just hope it continues. we'll have to see.

BigRed54 01-07-2011 12:40 PM

Re: Feeling alone in this relationship
I'm sure he will make an effort - for a while. But what you have taught him is that you will settle for a little bit of effort, then he can go back to doing what makes HIM happy. Then you complain and cry, and he makes some effort, then the cycle repeats. It won't change.

If you were my daughter, I would advise you to move a ways away, not close by. Start working with your counselor to increase your self-confidence and get over your fears of change as much as possible. Start making a life with friends and learning to be by yourself, which is the only way to learn who you are and who you want to be.

I would imagine that he certainly will start making more effort as you start showing more confidence. You are right that men really like women with confidence. However, unless HE decides (on his own) to make changes in his life, to grow up and not let his friends influence him, to stop doing drugs, to get a job, then things would never change. Maybe he'd spend a few months being "there" for you, being a better boyfriend, but the minute you give in and move back in with him, he will gravitate back to his old ways. He is the only one who can make changes in his behavior. He can't do it because you want it - the only motivation for change comes from within each of us.

I wish you good luck and hope that you have a base of friends and family around to help you through this. It will be very hard, but if you work with your counselor, you will be SO thrilled with the eventual outcome after all the hard work. It will be well worth it in the long run and you will come out a happy, confident woman ready to find a wonderful, loving and caring man to be beside you.

cryingforever 01-08-2011 04:11 AM

Re: Feeling alone in this relationship
sounds like you are a pretty strong woman so i think that you finding your own place is a good idea then you can observe how he is towards you. if its not good then you have the strength to let him go as i can feel it in your words that you are getting stronger and more independant , and if its good then thats brilliant. i think in a situation like yours i dont think just walking away right now is the answer i think the answer is what you feel which is to move out, gives him a chance to see what its like without you there everyday, he may miss you, may make an effort as he can see you dont actually need him anymore and no longer rely on him and can survive on your own. give it a chance first. see what happens. then make a final decision. least your doing the right thing concertrating on getting yourself strong and confident and in a position that you can let him go if need be and that you will be okay with just been by yourself for a while. good luck :)

cryingforever 01-08-2011 04:21 AM

Re: Feeling alone in this relationship
hi thanks for your reply, you are right i am getting strong and much more confident. i am starting to also think he knows i am going off him because the past few days hes made a right fuss of me and making time for me and been very affectionate and including me in conversations with his friends i have not seen this for a long long time. hes also been very supportive of some recent issues that has cropped up. i suggested we have a full day just me and him on sunday to spend time together and do fun things and watch movies etc...his response was ''that an awesome idea'' and smiled and blew me a kiss. i was shocked and it was very sweet. i can't complain of his efforts and i am hoping it will last but i have given him a chance and i think i have done the right thing some people may add on negative comments like ''he may make effort for now'' but i feel quite happy at the moment , not expecting too much or too less just relaxing, observing and enjoying. positive thinking as people always say to have :)

cryingforever 01-08-2011 05:42 AM

Re: Feeling alone in this relationship
i think your doing the right thing, you have your head screwed on, you seem strong . if you love this person and feel he is worth a chance then you go for it and don't let anyone try tell you any different. it is your life and your relationship. i wish you happiness :angel:

Larrylou'smom 01-08-2011 10:23 AM

Re: Feeling alone in this relationship
Well, let us know how tomorrow goes. Has he put any more effort into finding a job?

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