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suzyshop1 01-12-2011 05:09 AM

help me please
Im about ready to lose my mind.My son suffers from bi-polar,depression,and anxiety.Recently he seperated from his wife of 13 yrs,mostly because of his mental problems. He also coundnt hold down a job any longer.He met online a young woman from Idonesia,who hes been corresponding online with for about 3 months now.He now wants to up and go to Indonesia,to marry her.The part of the world he is planning to go to is not one of the safest places to go.Ive done my research on it and it sounds like a dangerous place to go.We are fighting over him wanting me to finanically support his going.How can i as a mother in good faith help him,to do something in my heart of hearts,i think is irresponsible and dangerous.I also forgot to mention he lives with me and has no means of support,because of his mental capabilities.I have been taking care of him,and im afraid that i am going to lose him as my son ,because i won't do what he wants.It's like he's obsessed with this young woman,to the point where he will not listen to reason.I'ts really scaring me because he also had a anger problem.He said that im his mom and that he would never hurt me,but im not certain that he wouldn't if he lost his temper.His dad walked out on us yrs ago,and up till about a yr ago,when my son cut his wrist,his father finally started to at least have somekind of contact with him.How can i help my son,do something that i think is wrong?Anyone have any opinions or ideas.Thankyou for listening.:(

Buckeye1030 01-12-2011 07:37 AM

Re: help me please
Gosh, my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your son. I can only assume he's in some sort of therapy and/or taking meds of some kind. If he isn't, he needs to. If he is, he needs to maybe find a different therapist or some sort of inpatient therapy maybe. I don't know, I'm not a pro and I have my own problems but that's my first reaction.

No, you can't blame yourself for his actions. He may not be able to control them properly at this time, but they are still his choices. You don't have to pay to send him there, just don't. You also may want to see a therapist for yourself, I'm sure it would help you find some peace. You need to take the blame off of yourself. I hope others here comment, too. I'm sure there are many people here with better advise than I can give, but know that my thoughts are with you.

rosequartz 01-12-2011 07:55 AM

Re: help me please
you can't lose your son, he has no means to go anywhere, he won't just up and go unless you enable him by giving him the money......
it's plain and simple....just tell him the answer is NO, you are not willing to finance him to go meet and marry someone he met on the internet......put your foot down.

Ely4 01-12-2011 08:24 AM

Re: help me please
I agree, you do not have to agree to finance this. Tell him no, and that you are not going to discuss it anymore.

As for losing him, where else would he go? You'd be more likely to lose him if you financed his trip.

I know he's your son, but if you're scared he might hurt you if he gets in a temper you might have to consider having him move out. You need to consider yourself in this too.

suzyshop1 01-12-2011 10:52 AM

Re: help me please
Thankyou for the replies,but i feel i may need to clarify a few points.First, as for the money situation,this past xmas he received gift cards in the amount of 381.00 dollars.He went online to one of those websites where you can exchange gifts cards for money.They emailed to say the check is on the way.He wants me to lend him my car,to drive to the court to get divorce papers filed,then to give him money to get a copy of his birth certificate.My son is 31 his marriage was not healthy,he was doing different kinds of drugs and drinking to try an cope with the meds not working.He sometimes became violent with his wife and family members.Currently,if not for me he would be homeless.He at one time was on at least 3 medications,which seemed,to not be working well enough,for him to hold down a job.When asked by me about therapy,he said he went a couple a times to no avail.So now he's on no therapy or medications.He's no longer has health insurance,due to he was on his wifes policy,which she took him off of.When he was on the meds he acted like a zombie.He checked himself into a mental facility a couple a times,because he was afraid that he would try and kill himself.He owns a truck which he is planning to sell to get the remainder of the money he needs to leave the U.S.He told me that if he doesn't go,he will just kill himself.This woman in Indonesia,he says knows about his depression problem,but no one can truly know what it's like too live with a depressive person,till you live with them.Im afraid he will get over there findout it's not everything he thought it would be,then not be able to return home.I am not well off enough to be able to go get him to bring him home.My greatest fear is that he gets over there,and i never hear from him again.The reason i came on here was to seek advice from other people,to see if im acting like a MOM,or that maybe im being over protective.Ive done research on the city he wants to go to.Different websites say its full of traffic,pollution,medical facilities are sub standard,and it's in the part of the country where there were bombings of major hotels,you cant go out alone at night,the place is full of pickpockets,there are diseases that he would need to be vaccinated against.You can't drink the water.There are floods,tsunamis,and volcanic eruptions.The police are a joke.Im afraid that he will disappear and never be heard from again.He doesnt want me to tell anyone in the family what he's planning.Im afraid if i don't help him and he does manage to go,that he will hold a grudge and i will never hear from him again.Im 54 yrs old,in not such good health,i was hoping to have some grankids before i die.If he's over the other side of the world,i'll never see them,or have a minutes peace that they will be safe.There are also some religious connotations that i won't get into since this is not a religious board.I have anxiety problems myself,and am trying to not go over the edge.A few yrs i came close to a nervous breakdown when my husband ran off with my kid sister,got her pregnant and divorced me and married her.I have a 12 yr old son who lies and steals,who is going to be tested in March for Adhd so i have my hands full,i don't need anymore problems.Once again thanks for listening.It's nice too be on the receiving end of getting advice instead of giving it.:(

rosequartz 01-12-2011 11:01 AM

Re: help me please
either get him committed to a mental hospital where they can deal with his issues or "let him go" with his own money, don't give him money, don't get involved with his divorce paperwork, ......
he's manipulating you and he's a grown man......
you don't deserve to be bullied......i think if it was me, i'd be hoping he went and stayed there! I know you might not agree with that, but he's just complicating your life and he's an's time for him to stop acting like a bratty teenager

bibimbap 01-12-2011 02:07 PM

Re: help me please
Well, I'm a mother and I'd never "hope" that one of my kids would go away and I'd never see them again, no matter what they did. Even if one of them went to prison, I'd still visit. However, you don't have to have him living with you and you don't have to lend him your car or give him money. It sounds like you are financially supporting him now already.

If he's threatening suicide if he can't go to Indonesia, that may be enough to get him committed to a facility that can help him. He does need help from professionals...a commitment may be the only way to get him that help.

bylm85 01-12-2011 02:10 PM

Re: help me please
I tend to agree with Rose. If I were you, I'd do what I could to get him committed. It may not be what you want to hear, but he seems to have problems. The fact that he claimed he would kill himself is reason enough I believe to have this done. He needs help, and the kind of help he needs has to come from a professional. Don't enable him by giving him what he wants. I'm very sorry for your situation and can honestly say I don't know what you're going through. But for your sons sake and for your own, please get him some professional help.

cryingforever 01-13-2011 01:12 AM

Re: help me please
hes blackmailing you into trying to give him money that must be diffacult very. how do you handle things when he says those things?

Ashh 01-13-2011 03:00 PM

Re: help me please
Make her come here!!! What if his bipolarness gets him into a huge issue over there and something happens . Can't risk it. If he is serious and you don't want to lose him tell him to consider her coming here instead. I mean it shouldn't make a difference her coming here instead of him going because they still get to see each other.

mustlovecats 01-17-2011 06:44 PM

Re: help me please
She might not be able to get money for a ticket and also might not get a visa that's why she's inviting him over, I agree you should get him professional help asap!

resolution09 01-17-2011 07:26 PM

Re: help me please
This woman may know about his health issues but I wonder if she knows he does not have any money. I think that if she understood that by American standards he is penniless, it might change her even wanting him to visit. And frankly, all that is even assuming she's "real" and not a scam of someone thinking some guy is going to show up with cash and credit cards looking for a specific woman.

Lastly, of course, this woman isn't the real problem. If he gets over her he will move onto another issue. I never know where something is a mental health issue versus bad behavior. This seems a combination of both. But it does sound like you need to get with your local mental health officials and discuss what actions you can take to help your son. And of course that won't involve money or a trip abroad.

pendulum 01-18-2011 01:14 AM

Re: help me please
[QUOTE=Ashh;4660769]Make her come here!!! What if his bipolarness gets him into a huge issue over there and something happens . Can't risk it. If he is serious and you don't want to lose him tell him to consider her coming here instead. I mean it shouldn't make a difference her coming here instead of him going because they still get to see each other.[/QUOTE]

I tend to agree with this one. In most cases, it works better when the woman follows the man, rather than when the man follows the woman.

I would try and make a deal with him: you would help her come to the USA (does she speak English? could you talk to her over the net and explain the situation from your point of view?) and he would enter serious therapy for himself.

suzyshop1 01-24-2011 10:48 PM

Re: help me please
Just an update to all those who replied to my postings.My soon to be ex daughter-in law took my son up to court to file for the divorce papers.At the same time he got his birth certificate.I think hes finding out thats its going to cost alittle more money to leave,so now he's looking for jobs.Also i know absolutely nothing about this girl or her family.One of the things im worried about is that her family might be poor,but my sons granndfather is quiet wealthy.How do i know that she didn't do alittle research on my family,and she sees this as a way to get my son over in indonesia,and hold him as hostage for his grandfathers money?This whole situation is ridiculous.He believes everything this girl tells him,just because he's infatuated,and so starved for female attention.As for committing him that's not quite as easy as it sounds.Ive been thru seeing him in a mental facility a few times,what they do is keep him for 72 hrs for observation.Then if they think your not a danger to yourself or others they release you.So i dont think that will work.I have a friend who asked me to get the girls name so they can have her investigated.Only problem is i have no way of getting it.Anyhow this is where it stands for now.Thanks for the replies.

Ely4 01-25-2011 01:31 AM

Re: help me please
If you are unable to get him committed and he won't listen to reason, then the only option you have is to not enable him. Do not give/lend him any money. Other than that you have no control over him and can't stop him going if he's determined to go.

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