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Divorce while still in our 20s

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Old 01-18-2011, 12:31 AM   #1
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Divorce while still in our 20s

My wife and I got married when we we were 21-22. We are just breaking up now about 7 years later. It wasn't that we were "married young" that caused it. The same problems would have been an issue if we got married in our 30s. Its all about respect. She didn't respect herself, or me. When she would berate me and yell and shout obscenities, that lowered my respect for her, which only made her angrier. Vicious cycle. She had very low self confidence, from childhood trauma. Whenever something in anyway brushed against her ego, she would explode in anger and violence. She broke some things (dishes, walls, windows) and hit me a few times (but I'm fine) over trivial things (being late for a party, not calling often enough, calling her out on her anger).
But despite all that, her pros outweighed her cons. However, I am now at a point in my life where I want kids. I can handle her mood swings, but I don't want to put my kids through it. So I ended it with her.

I was basically supporting her (we have no kids). She spent all day racking up college credits because she kept changing her major. However, her lack of contribution financially was not an issue. I have a good enough job to put us both in a comfortable lifestyle. But now that she moved out, she still refuses to get a job. She likes leading her carefree student lifestyle, and insists I continue paying for her phone, car, insurance, food budget etc. When I say I'm not comfortable with that, she cries and gets very depressed, saying I ruined her life. I know that's not true, and she can work and support herself like any normal adult. I know. But I get incredibly sad knowing she is suffering, and I keep on giving in and sending her money hand over fist. I do not want to be married to her, definitely don't want to have kids with her. But I still love her, and I hate to see her hurting.

No point to this post I guess, I'm just up super late (hafta be up in 2 hours for my job) thinking about it. I figured I'd just shout into the internet void to get it off my chest.

Last edited by Administrator; 01-18-2011 at 09:53 AM.

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Old 01-18-2011, 02:59 AM   #2
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Re: Divorce while still in our 20s

Not that I mean to dismiss what you are saying here, but honestly I can hardly believe that you "still love" this woman. Love is about giving and getting/taking and I can't see clearly what she is giving back to you. You say that her pros outweigh her cons, but you fail to point what her pros are all about. I have a feeling that you want to convince yourself that you still love her, whereas deep down yourself you know that you can only feel compassion or maybe anger for this person. But even compassion has a deadline, so to say. If there is no legal agreement for you to support her financially, I really don't see any point in your doing it anymore. I would not hesitate to call this "emotional blackmail". Is she crippled by the way? If she can walk, she can work, too. So... You are wasting your money and creating an unhealthy co-dependency (well, I know, I know, all co-dependencies are unhealthy per se) and making both your life and her life stagnant. If the marriage is over, then it is high time each of you moved away from the other and started picking up the pieces toward a more balanced life. Please close this book, learn the lessons and move on. If you don't do it now, you will certainly regret it later.

Old 01-18-2011, 03:45 AM   #3
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Re: Divorce while still in our 20s

Just judging by what you've put, she's wrecked this for herself. You are not responsible for her suffering/hurting, she is.

You don't have to keep supporting her selfish lifestyle. It seems all she wants is to take, take, take. Why does she think you should carry on paying for her to live her life without having to take any responsibilty for herself. She's using emotional blackmail so she doesn't have to get herself a job.

You have to draw the line somewhere. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. What will happen if you find someone else and want to start a family, will you still be paying for her?

Old 01-18-2011, 06:39 AM   #4
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Re: Divorce while still in our 20s

i think that you've made the right decision.....
you're a very smart man to have ended this and not brought children into this guess is that your wife has some type of mental health issues, possibly bi-polar or BPD (borderline personality disorder)......
nothing that you want to pass down to children.....
don't let her suck you back into this unhealthy relationship

Old 01-18-2011, 07:00 AM   #5
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Re: Divorce while still in our 20s

You're not obligated to give her anymore money than any maintenance the court has ordered. It's good that' you've gotten away from this woman. And now you have to start the process of breaking away from her emotionally and letting her stand or fall on her own. She's a drama queen in the extreme.

However, I have to disagree that the age at which you married had nothing to do with it. She married before she learned how to stand on her own, and she doesn't know how. If she had had some life experience and had taken care of herself, worked and provided for herself before marriage, she wouldn't be so terrified of it now. And you might have had some more life experience that would have given you some red flags and you would have had the wisdom to have not married her in the first place. Now you know what that kind of woman looks like, and you can stay away from them in the future.

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divorce, kids, respect

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