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hedgehopper 01-28-2011 09:36 PM

Am I being used/abused by a loved friend?
Hello all. I'm new here and looks like an informative board. Not sure if this is the right area to ask but I'll try. I REALLY need help as this is mentally killing me and causing depression almost everyday.

I have a friend who I dated a couple years back and now we are friends I guess. One day she seems happy the next she seems mad but MOSTLY just with me. She has always blamed me for things but never others even when it has NOTHING to do with me! When we dated she wasn't very sexual with me but was with other boyfriends before and after. Also when I would not be able to go out for the night or do something she would get really really mad at me but she doesn't seem to be that agreesive with other friends or boyfriends do it. I have helped her out with support and money so many times and she says she appreciates it and me so much.

Here's some scary things though and realize I don't really help her out with any money really anymore so I don't think it's such a factor.

1.She seems to HATE when something good happens to me and not her and seems to not believe my success on things even money success even though she's benefited greatly!

2.When she works bartending and I'm leaving she always asks when I'm coming in next and says she appreciates me and me coming down to support. But when she's not working or away she never ever calls or texts,etc and always has an excuse of why.

3.When we dated and were closer I always helped her out big time with money and support but she would never admit that to our other friends and never mentioned I would help her out bigtime. She would say the opposite behind my back I found out. Why?

4.When we broke up our friendship one time when I called her out on some of this, she said her she will never be able to hang with her friends again because they know about how I helped her with money and she's embarrased,etc but I found out she was hanging out with some of them the next day or so. Is that because she just manipulated them about the situation?

5.She also has a daughter she has her parents take care of and I helped out to with support and money but she can only muster a "appreciate it" when I am about to walk away and give it. SHE NEVER goes to her other friends for money or support,just me even though some have the means to help.

6.She tells other outsiders who inquire about me that I'm "sketchy". Is it to keep other people away from me?

7.We do hang out alone and she will hang out with me but I ALWAYS have to ask her to hang out. I'm confused why she's even saying yes then??

8.This one confuses me the most. When we have a fight she will be mad at me forever but when people do bad things to her she stays mad for a day or two. Then she says she is mad at me longer because....."I love you more than them. Our relationship is different". So they get to have fun and relax with you and I get to do all the dirty work and get hell? Doesn't seem fair?

NOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW you're going to say, hey loser you are being used and that's all she wants from you. I know. My question is does she really hate me or does she have a peronality disorder with me or is just keeping me in the wings for when she needs me down the line to fall back on.

CadenceA 01-28-2011 10:44 PM

Re: Am I being used/abused by a loved friend?
You're fall back, money-giving guy. She's nice to others because she probably has more respect for them. People don't respect people who let them use them.

No personality disorder that I can see. She gets away with it because you let her. Some people will take advantage of people who let them. If you stood up to her and started saying "no" and stopped asking her to hang out and stopped going to her bar, and stopped calling/texting, and stopped giving her money, I bet she'd start calling you. She might act mad for a while but the minute she wants money she'll be on the phone to you. I'd say no next time.

hedgehopper 01-28-2011 10:58 PM

Re: Am I being used/abused by a loved friend?
As I said in my post I don't really even give her money anymore. Haven't given anything in over 2 years. Maybe a couple bucks tip if that.

Also I've known her and have loved her for over 17 years. Since in our early teens. It's what makes it hard to walk. But maybe you're just right, I am just the fallback idiot who's the punching bag for her and her life and I should just walk. I surely don't deserve to be NOT respected because I'm easily manipulated because I care for her and her life. If that's her respect meter, than forget her.
Thank you for your time and reply though. It's appreciated CadenceA!

cryingforever 01-29-2011 05:52 AM

Re: Am I being used/abused by a loved friend?
just a selfish woman all out for herself. dont waste your time on her she aint worth it because it isnt even a friendship.

MacDuff 01-29-2011 03:13 PM

Re: Am I being used/abused by a loved friend?
Seems like a fairly typical narcissist/codependent relationship.

Maybe the question isn't 'what's wrong with her?' but 'why do I love someone who abuses me?'.

hedgehopper 01-29-2011 08:59 PM

Re: Am I being used/abused by a loved friend?
[QUOTE=MacDuff;4672550]Maybe the question isn't 'what's wrong with her?' but 'why do I love someone who abuses me?'.[/QUOTE]

I do know you're 100% right. Sometimes it's just tough in life to let go of things you love. But I know I'm wrong here. Thank you for your time and response though MacDuff!

waywardson 01-30-2011 07:06 AM

Re: Am I being used/abused by a loved friend?
Sounds to me like you already know the answer. She doesnt seem to respect you at all, and is selfish and abuseing. Really I wouldnt hang out with someone who would take advantage like that...that is just lame and low. i think you think that you love her...but porbably just assoicate with the familiarness. No reason you cant change now and forget, if it were me I woudnt talk to her anymore.

CadenceA 01-30-2011 11:23 AM

Re: Am I being used/abused by a loved friend?
I agree. Stop going to her bar (there must be other bars) and stop calling/texting suggesting you two hang out. She will most likely fade out of your life...and that's a good thing.

I don't think you "love" her, you just for some reason want her to love you which is not the same thing. Find something healthy to focus on and you will meet decent people who don't act rudely toward you.

hedgehopper 01-30-2011 01:41 PM

Re: Am I being used/abused by a loved friend?
Thanks for the help and time. Haven't talked, called,etc in a couple days and surely plan not to. Just not worth it anyore and I have more in life to concentrate on. I think just talking on here helped alot too. Thanks again;)

punkybear 01-31-2011 02:31 PM

Re: Am I being used/abused by a loved friend?
You are showing classic signs of someone being abused. You keep going back and making excuses for her because you want the outcome to be different. You think deep down inside she loves you and will change the way she treats you. She is being selfish. No personality disorder, just a bad person in my opinion. I'm sorry you are being treated like that. You are better than that.

cryingforever 02-01-2011 02:12 PM

Re: Am I being used/abused by a loved friend?
good for not bothering with her anymore. she isnt treating you like a friend at all. not worth time of day and the misery it brings.

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