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What if?

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Old 02-18-2011, 05:24 PM   #1
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What if?

Here is a "what if" for yall to ponder. What if you were with a person and as is normal for a relationship made their needs your primary concern. You go out of your way for this person time and time again and you do so at every chance.

Then this person gets a windfall. A large sum of money. More than you've ever seen in one place before. More than you've ever had in your life.

And you ask as nicely as you know how for a little pay back. A little chance to get caught up some on all the things you've let go for this person. Not much, just 10% of the amount.

Then have that person get angry at you for asking and then gives you about 1% of the money and thinks they've done more than enough for you? The person becomes offended and abusive because you had the temerity to ask for help.

Do you stay with this person? Do you keep helping them? Is this the kind of person you should spend your life with?

What do you think of people who are glad to have your expertise and help then refuse theirs when the time comes? Should anyone be in a relationship when the giving only comes from you and not the other person?

Would you depend on this person to care for you in your old age? Or would it be better to take it as a lesson learned and move on to someone who might appreciate your efforts and maybe when their chance comes be willing to make some effort of their own?

Some people think I am being too selfish for asking for help. Some even think it's not even help, but a shopping spree. If two people are in a relationship do they share everything or keep the good stuff all for themselves?

Who is the selfish one? The one who gave everything they had to help or the one who wouldn't give anything to help the other?

Would you leave your home, job, family, friends and familiar life to be with someone like that? Or would you just find someone who is as willing to help you as you are to help them?

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Old 02-18-2011, 06:36 PM   #2
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Re: What if?

CVC, I remember you.

It sounds like this woman is exactly who she showed you to be before you went back to her. You know her well...people do NOT change, not unless they decide they need to and then do some serious work. She is fine with how she is. Therefore, she is not motivated to "change".

It really doesn't matter what I or anyone else would or would not do, or what we feel is right. If your GF does not agree, then she doesn't. Even if you think differently, she does not. She is going to do what SHE thinks is right, whether or not you think it's right.

At this point, I feel you need to take her or leave her as she is.

Old 02-18-2011, 09:20 PM   #3
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Re: What if?

You've known who she is from the minute you moved into her house and all of this drama started. The turmoil that has been present throughout the entire relationship has never ended, it has kept escalating and going on and on and on. I'm not sure what you expected to have happen. Not sure how you would expect anything different than what you have already seen of her. Sure it would be nice if she would have helped you out to pay for some stuff, but that's not who she is. You can't expect her to automatically turn into a normal loving person who would actually help you out because she has never been like that for as long as you have known her. You either accept that this is who she is and this is how she handles everything in her life or else you move on. That's it, those are your only two options. She has always been who she is and she won't change, ever. There's not much else than can be said.

Old 02-19-2011, 08:29 AM   #4
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Re: What if?

You should not do things for a loved one and expect something in return. That's not to say that a loving relationship is a two-way street, but it should come naturally from both sides. If it's not, something is not working.

Old 02-19-2011, 09:31 AM   #5
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Re: What if?

Well, I see where you are coming from, but my point is:

* if you gave them the money, it is not for you to hope to get it back. If they got wealthy overnight, it's their own luck. You may innerly even hope for a compensation, but if it doesn't come, so let it be. You may feel hurt and may decide to move away from them, but by doing so, you show that in part you had a hidden agenda when you gave them the money...

** if you lent them the money, then you are entitled to have it back. You don't even need to ask, at least not right now. Allow some time to pass.

*** if you asked them for money, without really needing it, just because you thought they should pay you back, it's natural to meet with that kind of reaction: they will decide that you gave the money in the hopes to get it back, so in other words your help was not totally disinterested.

**** if you asked them for help because you are jobless, in debt, starving, whatever, yeah, it would be natural for you to count on their giving it to you. In this particular case, I would feel really bad, but before deciding that they are really being selfish and ungrateful, I would try to see the real reasons why they are only giving you so little.

Old 02-19-2011, 09:42 AM   #6
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Re: What if?

CVC - I said this in another post and was ridiculed for it, but it in fact applies here as well. There is a difference between being a nice guy and an obsequious sycophant. You unfortunately, to date, have been the latter.

I tend to be a bit long winded at times, but bear with me, I do have a point - when you fly on an airplane and the flight attendant goes through the safety procedures, remember how they tell you in case the cabin loses oxygen, the masks will come down, and if you're traveling with a child or someone who needs help, they tell you to put your own mask on first so you will be in a better position to help the person who needs you? That's kind of how life works, too. Martyrdom is not honored or rewarded. You do not sacrifice your own life, your own security, your own well being for someone, especially as a way of trying to make them feel indebted to you. That's called manipulation, and you don't really have the right to be mad at this woman because your attempt to manipulate her into feeling indebted to you didn't work. You can't buy someone's love or loyalty, or friendship even. You give because you want to, because you feel it's the right thing to do, not because you think it will make that person care about you more, or because you expect the person to feel an obligation to pay you back. Most of the time, they won't. In this life, you need to care for yourself and be your own champion. Now, I'm not saying be selfish or "look out for number 1", of course you can still help people who need it. Just not to such a degree that you martyr yourself, make yourself their doormat, give up your own security, self esteem and well-being for them and let them just walk all over you. That's not how you get someone's love, and that most certainly is not the way to get someone's respect.

No, this person is most definitely not someone you should count on to care for you in your old age, or to even really be any kind of friend when the chips are down. Care for yourself. Build a strong, secure life for yourself, and anyone who wants to share in what you've made, and let you share what they've made in life, equally and fairly, well they can be welcome to come along for the ride as you see fit. But making yourself someone's doormat and martyring yourself, being a serville flatterer and giving past the point of what makes good sense, will not get you anything but used.

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