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meuw54 02-23-2011 12:25 PM

Why am I so mean to my friend
 
I have been friends with this man for years off and on he has always been there when something happened in my life mostly my divorces and sperations he even got me a lawyer for my last divorce. He has comforted me in all ways and that was that and we moved on our seperate ways. Well, this last time I didn't think anything of it and we seen eachother he told me everything that happened to him the past 5 or 6 years and that he didn't want a relationship and that he had someone who he seen just as a friend with benefits. This was fine with me since I didn't want anything either. Then he began messaging me everyday good morning and talking throught out the day on Face book and texting, I went over his house for a tattoo a friend of his is a proffessional tatto artist, he gave his opinon of what he liked and didnt like fine he's a friend. Then he started asking if I was coming over and stuff. he sounded depressed around xmass so I told him if he promised not to take off I would kidnap him for a hot cocoa, well ended up my sister and I brought him coffee instead and he went to kiss me and I turned away, later he said through text "omg you dnt like me lol" Long story short he has cooked for me (a hamburg) at a minutes notice and has been nice, I have deleted him several times from ** blocked him on my cell ** and everything then I feel bad or miss him and he adds me again, this time I told him I was going back to my ex and that my ex is jelous of him (the second part is true) omg I hate myself for treating him like this, I told him I loved him and he has said it to me through texting and as friends I feel like Im going insane and I wish I never hooked up with him because of the crap I have done since. I know Im confused, I know he said he just wanted to be friends and he didn't want a relationship is that why Im being mean to him? I think its because he told me this and if he left me alone I would of been fine, but I think he messed me up by trying to be everyday friends, now I don't want him but I miss him, I don't want him to think I want to have a daily relationship as boyfriend girlfriend. See what I mean Im messed up.

Lady1121 02-23-2011 07:30 PM

Re: Why am I so mean to my friend
 
Men and women can't just be "friends". Especially with guys, if you're attractive he can't help but feel sexually attracted. Using him as your emotional tampon only sends bad signals.

pendulum 02-24-2011 03:36 AM

Re: Why am I so mean to my friend
 
Why don't you talk to him about your confusion?

rosequartz 02-24-2011 08:48 AM

Re: Why am I so mean to my friend
 
men and women can most certainly be friends......
talk to him, explain yourself
doesn't he deserve at least that from you?

digmusic 02-24-2011 07:06 PM

Re: Why am I so mean to my friend
 
I don't feel sorry for you for getting "stuck in the friend zone" because while we feel that it's great that we have a new friend, meanwhile the guy is just pretending to be our friend to try to get something out of us. This has happened to me many times and in fact I'm realizing now that a guy friend of mine isn't nearly as nice as he was acting towards me, and just wanted to be my boyfriend. Now that he knows that's not going to happen, he rarely wants to hang out and even talks differently. I asked him to borrow ten bucks once for something and he said no, but if I were his, "it'd be all yours." UGH!

waywardson 02-25-2011 10:41 AM

Re: Why am I so mean to my friend
 
This is something I had been a victim too when I was younger as well and I understand now why it doesnt work. It is because we hid our intentions, we tried to put on a show of 'good behavior' in desperate hopes of winning a girls apporval. It is us saying 'Hey, hey, ...look how good I am, look I would be a great boyfriend' But we didnt pull the trigger, we just hoped they think we are this great guy and do the work for us. I have learned this is not how it works.

The problem is that for most guys we have been socially conidtioned to ask this way. Our parents, movies, other forms of media. Be nice, be romantic, be really respectul etc...and basically act like a repressed head case. That is why you see most of the 'bad boys' gettting the girls. FOr whatever reason the where not socially conditioned to act in your typical 'nice guy' way.

marinadiamonds 02-26-2011 09:47 AM

Re: Why am I so mean to my friend
 
i think men and women can just be friends but it has to be purly platonic from the beginning......

waywardson 02-27-2011 01:58 AM

Re: Why am I so mean to my friend
 
I think too that it is quite possible to have female friends..even very attractive ones. Azureth I think for you if you are not looking to be a girl's friend then I woulnt pretend to be one. In reality women are not so attracted to guys that act like thier personal therapist and basically be their emotinal slave. While it is good to have a genuine concern of others problems..just dont let the subject remain on her problems..change it. Also in my perspective if you are being 'nice' in hopes of becomeing her boyfriend than it really isnt being nice...it is being manipulative. You are pretending a genuine concern in hopes for something in return. I have been at fault at this in the past and took me awhile to realize i wasnt actualy being nice.. i was just being manipulative and i understand now why girls do not like it. I am a reformed nice guy..and I understand how it happens to guys. So if you want to be a friend with a girl than be a friend. But if you think of her on a different level dont act like a friend..act like a guy that is interested in her in boyfriend way. The tone of the relationship has to be set from the get go.

After a longtime of rejection from women...even though I have had plenty of success as well..I found that the root of my problems were not on what was wrong with women...it was the way I acted and how I percieved my actions. Through time and experience I have reconized my own problems, recognized when there really is something off about the women and what she finds attractive and knowing what is I find attractive in women. Because yes lets face it there are some women who really do like a$$hole type of behavior. It is best just to recognize who those women are and AVOID them. So really it is about being honest with yourself, your intentions and knowing what you like about a women.


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