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Married: 4 years together, 4 years apart

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Old 02-25-2011, 10:03 PM   #1
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: USA
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Married: 4 years together, 4 years apart

I was hoping I could just write a whole lot about my marriage and hear some fresh perspectives. I have a feeling that this is going to be very long.. I feel drained. Not that I need sleep, I just feel like my marriage is taking a lot out of me.

My wife and I met in 2007 when she was here on a work study program from another country. We hanged out way too much and spent each passing moment together, taking things way too quickly. She was to return to her country just 4 short months after arriving, and so I proposed to her. We decided to get married in her country when I could visit her a few months after her return, but in retrospect I can clearly see that she wasn't interested in marriage with me, though she was (usually) sweet with me.

I spent 2 months in her country in mid 2008, which were absolutely awful for me. Her entire family welcomed me with open arms and made me feel very comfortable and welcome, but she had completely changed. She was very cold with me and avoided me whenever possible. When I confronted her about the issue a week into my visit, she broke everything off and told me that she just wasn't ready for marriage, that we had taken things way too fast, and her primary concern was to finish college. Of course I was devastated. The next month and a half was like hell in a country completely different than what I had always been accustomed to, spending every passing day with the family of the girl I had (very quickly) grown so fond of. Her dad yelled at her a lot for not telling me before I arrived. Her family made every attempt to make me feel comfortable when they discovered what had happened, but I couldn't help but feel depressed. I eventually left her home and spent the last week or so in her cousins home as I could no longer bear to see her every day and pretend like everything was fine.

I returned home and we didn't speak for several months. I tried emailing her a few times but she wouldn't respond. I was sick in the head for her (Probably in an unhealthy way) for a long time. She called me on Christmas Eve of 2008 to say hi, and I hung up on her. For another few months there was no contact. I eventually started to let go and accept it as just one segment of my life. As soon as I started to feel good about my life, she began calling me every few days. For about a month she tried to call me several times a week, and each time I refused to answer the phone. She was very persistent and eventually I answered. She wanted to know how I was doing and what was going on in my life. I wasn't interested in small talk with her and made myself too busy to speak with her. She began emailing me and calling me on a regular basis and eventually I started warming up to her again. We spent the next year sending text messages, calling, and emailing each other as friends. It was almost better than before. I had been on a few dates here and there and got a few phone numbers during that time and viewed her as a guaranteed impossibility.

By new years 2010 we had decided that we wanted to be together. I was very forward with her in telling her how much she hurt me before and that it was something I was still trying to cope with. She apologized many times and confessed to me that she was being terrible back then, that she had bad character, and that she was sure that she wanted to be with me. After lots of talking (Everything is by phone by the way) we decided to get married (again!). She announced to her family our intentions, and so I (hesitatingly but eventually) discreetly told my mother and my brother who told me I was crazy.

So I traveled again to her country in mid 2010 and we got married. She was very sweet with me and everything was perfect. We shared a lot together and with her family. We had a nice wedding at her house with all of her family and a bunch of her friends. It was nice. I eventually returned home and we planned to begin the immigration process as soon as I returned. Soon after I returned she found out that she had a tumor on one of her ovaries.. Devastating. We put off the immigration process and focused on her surgery. Eventually she had the thing removed and is now okay, though she will need regular check ups for a long time.

When I visited her a few weeks ago everything was good, but she seemed disinterested in me. Granted she has 2 full time jobs and even though I had a 2 week vacation, she did not. Things were nice when we were together but we didn't spend much time together at all besides one day that she had off that we spent with her family. She would arrive home at night and be too tired to fool around or even just talk. We had planned to do the immigration documents during this visit, which is when we had the talk. She told me she wanted to stay in her country for another year and be with her parents (Who, to be fair, are in poor health). I was disgusted by this but I kept my cool and accepted it for what it was. She said she wanted to start the immigration process in the beginning of 2012 and wouldn't budge from this, so I accepted it reluctantly. Things seemed different after that. We both became a little irritable.

She wouldn't have sex with me. Granted she had the tumor removal surgery in that area just a month prior to that, but she wouldn't even give me other forms of satisfaction. In fact, we didn't have sex when we got married or on our honeymoon, apparently because she was on her period. She makes me sleep in the guest bedroom when I visit her which really bothers me and I've made that very clear. She says its impossible to sleep with me because I sprawl all out everywhere. I told her I would try to not do that but she wont budge. The truth is, we've never done anything beyond kissing and me feeling her up. I apologize if this is too vivid for this forum but I did manage to slip my hand down her pants one time back when we first met and penetrate her with my finger, but she asked me to stop so I did. The truth is that we are STILL both virgins. She has always been very shy sexually. I try to be patient with her but its so difficult when we cant even have sex the 2 weeks out of the year that we can see each other. We've talked about it before and she says that she wants it but shes very shy about her body and that its hard for her to even talk about. I dont think she has low self esteem.

I talked with her mother (I know, ballsy! I'm pretty close with her mom) this past visit about everything from our relationship to the lack of sex to her being so cold sometimes. Her mom told me that her daughter has always been that way, just like her father. She said that her daughter is so afraid of getting pregnant and even as a young girl had no male friends and never had a boyfriend until me. I knew this already but it was a surprise to hear it from her mom. I asked mom why her daughter wouldn't let me sleep in the same bed as her. We slept together on our honeymoon (a lot of making out and me feeling her up with her just laying there, but no sex even with my charm).

I know she loves me and there is no doubt about it. I have a very nice relationship with all of her family. Some of our problems are probably cultural (She lives in South America). I'm not going to give up on us and I could never cheat on her, but I wish she would just come and live here with me in the US and give me some sex once in awhile. I know she wants to be with her parents during their final years, but its tough. I have an okay job that would provide us a middle class lifestyle where she wouldn't have to work.

I'm not going to be able to take another vacation until probably January 2012. Until then we will continue to talk text and email as the days pass. Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy for going through all these hurdles. I know it's no walk in the park for her either. I don't know. I actually spoke with her about a lot of this stuff after writing most of this post. I guess I feel better now than when I started writing. Another thing too is that she's so independent which is nice in some ways but other ways I wish she would lean on me more. Ever heard of an intercontinental marriage? Hahahaha. If you've read all of this, good job!

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Old 02-25-2011, 10:10 PM   #2
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Re: Married: 4 years together, 4 years apart

if I were you I'd get this marriage annulled on the basis that you've never consumated it....among other things....
this isn't a marriage, she's stringing you along and will be with you when it's convenient for HER.....
i wouldn't wait any longer to move on with your life.

Old 02-26-2011, 04:43 AM   #3
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Re: Married: 4 years together, 4 years apart

Yeah, this looks like to be a long-distance marriage.

You "laughed" at the end of your post, but of course that was wry laughter.

If I understand your piece, there is little compatibitily between you guys, yet there is something - sorry to put it this way, don't mean to hurt you - sickly that attracts you to her and her to you.

Also, my general impression (though I may be wrong) is that she feels superior to you and somehow thinks that she married someone beneath herself.

My friend, she may even love you, but I think you need someone to look up to you in many ways. To me, if there is love, there is also disdain, and love and disdain don't go together well.

It doesn't seem you have issues with self-esteem, but I guess that if you live with her, you may begin to experience these.

I agree with Rose. This marriage is liable to being cancelled, and hard as it may sound to you, this would probably be the best course of action here.

Last edited by pendulum; 02-26-2011 at 04:44 AM.

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