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  • Do I Love her or Has She just Become a Great Friend?

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    Old 04-08-2011, 08:49 AM   #1
    Sterling221
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    Do I Love her or Has She just Become a Great Friend?

    I’m 27 and I’ve been in a relationship for about two years now. I really love being with my girlfriend. I met her when I first moved to Seattle after grad school and we starting dating pretty much immediately. We explored the city together and became extremely close…and have shared a lot. We both have other friends, but we hang out with each other the most. Anyway, I absolutely love having her as my companion. We do a lot together from watching movies to hiking to dancing.

    But I for some reason find myself wanting to take a break from being in a relationship…and part of me wants to enjoy my independence and being single again. And I also feel the need to want to date a little more. Especially now that I’m older and actually have a solid income. I would never EVER think about cheating on my girlfriend…but twice now I have really fallen hard for another woman…and had to instantly just cut off communication to get over the other girl.

    So I’m just confused I guess. There are times when I feel lonely and really want to be with my girlfriend…and it’s wonderful to have her to talk to and hold and fall asleep with. But then there’s other times when I’m feeling overwhelmed (she wants to move in together and we’re planning an overseas trip that we’ll be going on in a few months, that we've already paid for. I tried to hold off on booking the trip, because I knew how I was feeling, but she was really adament about buying it.)…and I just want to be free to date.
    I by no means want to sleep around. That’s not my thing. But I do want to engage with different personalities. Not to sound like the biggest jerk ever…but it’s really easy for me to talk and flirt with women. And I really like getting to know a woman who’s got a phenomenal, charming, witty personality. Like I said, I’ve come into contact now with two women who completely blew me away…and I had such a great connection…that I felt guilty and basically shutdown communication with those women after any prolonged contact.

    My girlfriend also has a banging personality. We had a phenomenal connection when we first met, which is why we're dating. But we’ve had some really bad downs (which took a tole on our relationship for me)…but a lot of really great ups…just like any relationship. Though I find myself feeling less attracted to my girlfriend as a boyfriend as time goes on…and more attracted to her as a really awesome friend.

    Although, the thought of breaking up with her terrifies me. She’d be devastated. I’d be lost and confused without her, and I’d probably regret it. Then I’d only see loving couples all around me who are extremely happy…and think “What the hell did I do? That’s what I want…a relationship!” Plus, when I turn the tables and imagine her breaking up with me…I think about how devastated I’d be myself and how much I wouldn’t want to lose her in my life.

    So like I said, I’m confused. Do I love my current girlfriend because she’s such a great companion and friend to have in this world? I mean, you want your girlfriend/wife to also be your best friend. But, what if I start feeling that that’s all she is…is a great friend to have. Meanwhile, I find myself wanting to date other women, and less sexually attracted to my own girlfriend. I think it’s easy for someone to say…”Dude, just be lucky with what you have. I wish I had a girlfriend…but I’m alone. Just love her.”

    But there’s something about that advice that’s a little unsatisfying. Anyway, I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with her. I used to think that she was the one, but not so much anymore. At the same time though, I feel like I'd be really lonely without her in my life right now.

    So any advice into what I'm feeling?

    Last edited by Sterling221; 04-08-2011 at 12:03 PM.

     
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    Old 04-08-2011, 10:54 AM   #2
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    Re: Do I Love her or Has She just Become a Great Friend?

    Although you are asking for advice, you seem to have a pretty good handle on the dynamics of your relationship and how you are feeling about it, and about her.

    I can only tell you what I know from my experience. My wife and I "dated" (which included living together) for 5 years before getting married. We had some ups and downs (heck, still do), but in my heart I never questioned whether I wanted to be with her, or whether things might not work out between us. For me, it was impossible (and painful) to picture my future life without her.

    So, I would say, if after dating someone for two years, you're starting to feel like you're losing the connection, then it's a valid feeling that you shouldn't just ignore. Not quite sure exactly what you do with it, but if you ignore it, I'm not so sure it'll just go away as time goes on.

    One piece of advice I would give to any couple is to live together before getting married (whether or not you even want to take that step, I don't know). But, when sharing your living space, I think you will have a much, much better understanding of your relationship and whether you are compatible. I know I did.

     
    Old 04-08-2011, 11:25 AM   #3
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    Re: Do I Love her or Has She just Become a Great Friend?

    Don't allow yourself to be impressed by the "extremely happy ... loving couples" you see around... In many cases, it is just a facade.

    This is a tough situation, and even more so because you seem to be a honest thoughtful guy.

    I think your girlfriend will notice something different about the relationship and she may bring it up some time.

    If not, it is your task to do so, hard as it may seem. Perhaps you guys don't need to break up, just need some time away from each other, who knows?

    Talk about devastated. But it is better to be devastated now than having an unhappy marriage, or else a "happy" one just to keep up the appearances.

     
    Old 04-08-2011, 12:14 PM   #4
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    Re: Do I Love her or Has She just Become a Great Friend?

    It's a tough call. I think that even people who are sure they have met/married "the one" go through occaisional bouts of 'the grass is greener' syndrome once in a while. The key is to decide what's more important to you.

    People have conflicting feelings about their relationships all the time, so you are by no means wrong for questioning things. But as pendulum said, it's important that you talk to her and figure out together if maybe there's some way to work through it. I can't tell you if breaking up is the right answer or staying together is the right answer in this case, because that's something that you will need to figure out for yourself.

     
    Old 04-08-2011, 01:28 PM   #5
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    Re: Do I Love her or Has She just Become a Great Friend?

    I think when you said "I can't imagine living the rest of my life with her" you said it all. If you really loved her, you wouldn't be able to imagine your life withOUT her. It sounds to me like this relationship has run its course. Of course she'll be devastated when you break up with her, but what are your alternatives? Waste even more time with her, even more of her time, and convince her even further that you DO want to be with her forever? Have her even more devastated, and older and less sexually competative and able to find someone else, when you dump her two or three years from now, or marry her when you know in your heart you don't really want to?

    I think you have to man up and be honest with her and end it as honestly and kindly, but as firmly, as you can. Then you'll be free to date other women and pursue whatever it is you're looking for. And if you never meet another woman who is as kind and loving, as good a friend, who will take better care of you when you're sick or in need of help, be a better partner than she would have been, well, that's the risk we all take in dating, in life. But I don't think staying with her would be fair to her, or to yourself, when you know that a lifetime with her isn't really what you want, when she's probably thinking it is. She has the right to know what her future holds too, and she probably wants marriage, kids, etc. and if she's never going to have that with you, she has the right to know as soon as possible. It's not fair of you to hang onto her just because you dont' want to be alone now, and then cut her loose a few years from now when you'll easily find some pretty young thing to have a family with, and she will be past her expiration date. Women simply don't have as much time for family and marriage biologically as men do. That's something to consider.

     
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    Old 04-09-2011, 11:11 AM   #6
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    Re: Do I Love her or Has She just Become a Great Friend?

    Some couples do become only friends and not a couple anymore and it just happens. I agree what another post said where you put that you couldn't imagine been with her (in a relationship) for the rest of your life. That is obvious to me that she is not the one for you and that you just see her as a great friend. I think you should move on and tell her gently.

    Last edited by cryingforever; 04-10-2011 at 07:34 AM.

     
    Old 04-09-2011, 12:41 PM   #7
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    Re: Do I Love her or Has She just Become a Great Friend?

    You said it yourself, you can't see yourself being with her forever. Of course you'll be lonely for a while if you end things, that's the way is usually is when you stop spending time with someone who was a big part of your life, but that feeling won't last. Let her go, she deserves to have a chance to find someone who wants a future with her, to spend the rest of her life with someone who wants the same thing.

     
    Old 04-09-2011, 02:46 PM   #8
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    Re: Do I Love her or Has She just Become a Great Friend?

    I sincerely appreciate everyone's reply and insight. You gave me a lot to think about.

    You know, I don't think I could imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone, no matter how perfect they were...so I'm not sure that has anything to do with my girlfriend, and the need to leave her because she isn't the one. But at the same time, I also don't believe in the concept of "The One." I think a person can have quite a few "soul mates" or someone they have an absolutely incredible, almost spiritual connection with...but that's my personal philosophy, and definition of a soul mate.
    However, when you've decided to commit yourself to one of those soul mates, and get married...then it should be a commitment for life. You might even convince yourself that this in the only person in the world for you, which is totally fine.
    For example, I had a girlfriend in college for about 3 years who was definitely a soul-mate...but the relationship ended, because I wasn't ready to commit to one person for the rest of my life. But it was also a very magical three years. Now she's dating a new guy and is extremely happy, and I'm dating a different girl.

    So I guess my confusion has more to do with where I'm at in my life right now...and when I'm ready to commit.

    In terms of being fair to her, I completely agree. However, in all honesty, she does make me very happy, and I also make her extremely happy. For instance, we just had the most perfect Saturday morning/afternoon together. And, I also am pretty sure that she's not too focused on spending the rest of her life with me. We actually talked about it...and realized that we both want to be in different places, physically, in the next couple years. So we decided to just take it one day at a time, and see where that leads, without any expectations.

    So I think what I'm experiencing is natural. My current girlfriend is definitely a soul mate...and I want to continue living in the world we've created together for a while longer. BUT, I guess I need to take the pressure off of myself and realize that some relationships do end their course, and that's ok. It doesn't have to be a "Rest of My life" OR "No relationship" view.

    Maybe my relationship is starting to end it's course...or maybe I'm just in a "Push/Pull" phase of the relationship at the moment.

    I'm not sure...but I think I'm going to continue giving this relationship a little more due diligence before I end it. That feels like the right thing to do, for both of us.

    Again, I appreciate everyone's advice. It really made me think...and helped me come to my conclusion.

    Thank you so much!

    Last edited by Sterling221; 04-11-2011 at 08:16 AM.

     
    Old 04-10-2011, 06:55 AM   #9
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    Re: Do I Love her or Has She just Become a Great Friend?

    If you're not "in love" now, you won't be later.
    And you'll eventually leave when you fall hard enough for someone else.
    Leave now, before you end up bringing children into it.

    best of luck.

    Last edited by Mo-S4; 04-10-2011 at 08:01 AM. Reason: Unnecessary quote removed.

     
    Old 04-10-2011, 07:39 AM   #10
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    Re: Do I Love her or Has She just Become a Great Friend?

    So you are staying with her until you end it. Whats the point? You know at some point your going to end it so why bother trying to make something work that you don't really deep down want to be in. Why not just be friends with eachother ? The longer you stay together the harder it will be to break the ice.

     
    Old 04-10-2011, 01:19 PM   #11
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    Re: Do I Love her or Has She just Become a Great Friend?

    Well I guess my confusion was the result of a "push/pull" swing that I was in. I think all couples go through that. Like right now, thinking about it...I can't imagine my life without her. And I really miss her. I'm looking forward to having dinner with her, and falling asleep with her, and hearing about her day. Last night I went out with some guy friends...and looking at all the other guys in the bar, trying to pick up girls...and random strangers making out with each other, well it seemed kind of empty, and made me remember why I'm so grateful to have this girl in my life.

    And I think I might have been putting too much pressure on myself before, thinking about whether or not this relationship will continue for the rest of my life.

    Whether or not things do end, I guess that's not for me to say right now...because taking some time to think about...we're both really happy with each other in this moment, and I don't want this to end. Whatever the future brings, I'm not sure. Heck, she might break up with me for some reason. I hope not, but I can't really focus on things in the future that might or might not happen.

    But again, I really do appreciate the time people have taken to respond to my question.

    You really did help me think through some things.

     
    Old 04-17-2011, 12:02 AM   #12
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    Re: Do I Love her or Has She just Become a Great Friend?

    ways you can tell you really love this person
    1 you find your self thinking about her and smiling
    2 you find your self looking at her and think she the most beautiful girl in the world
    3 you do think just because u know it well make her smile


    but if you dont want to be with her make sure you tell her and don't wait to longing because you can end up really hurting so u care for ( even as a friend )

     
    Old 08-28-2011, 03:04 PM   #13
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    Re: Do I Love her or Has She just Become a Great Friend?

    Quick question. When people say, "Just end it now, so she can move on and be with someone who actually wants to have a future with her"...it's natural that that would make the person jealous, right?

    I mean, if I think about ending the relationship...that's one thing. But if I go a step further and think about another guy being with my partner...well that makes me feel pretty crappy.

    I was just curious as to why people often say that to someone who's confused about their relationship. Is it to make them jealous?

    Last edited by DanMan83; 08-28-2011 at 03:06 PM.

     
    Old 08-28-2011, 07:43 PM   #14
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    Re: Do I Love her or Has She just Become a Great Friend?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by DanMan83 View Post
    I was just curious as to why people often say that to someone who's confused about their relationship. Is it to make them jealous?
    I can only speak for myself, but when I say it, it's not to manipulate someone into feeling jealous. It's because it's true. A man in his 40s, or even in his 50s, can marry a 29 year old chippie and still have a family with her. Even though women are having kids older these days, female fertility still goes down considerably after 35, and after 40, the chances of autism and other birth defects goes up considerably. This doesn't really happen with men. Women simply don't have as much time as men do. It's incredibly selfish for a man to waste a woman's precious and short time doing the "maybe I love her, maybe I don't" game. She's thinking he loves her, and before you know it, she's in her middle or late 30s, he decides he doesn't really love her after all, finds some 20-something, marries her, has a family and lives happily ever after, while the late 30s woman he messed around with for years is older, her child bearing years almost over, not sexually competative anymore, not as desirable to men, and she most likely ends up a childless spinster, or has to adopt or have a kid alone through IVF. It's simply a selfish, crappy thing for a man to do, and it's even crappier to know that you dont' really love her, but hang onto her because you don't like the thought of her being happy with someone else, even though you don't really want her. It's sad that some men really are that territorial and selfish.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 08-28-2011 at 07:54 PM.

     
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