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  • Love my bf, but still in love with my ex

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    Old 05-27-2011, 11:48 AM   #1
    L0veSick
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    Unhappy Love my bf, but still in love with my ex

    Okay, so me and my ex dated for over a year. I fell hard for him very quickly, however it took him a little longer to realize what he had in front of him before it was too late. I was 18 at the time, he was 24. I would pretty much drop everything for him, I was so in love. It wasnt until I turned 19 that he finally straightened up and turned himself around. I know most guys cant change, but he did. You could tell he was completely in love with me and would do anything for me. He talked about having me move in to his place down the road, however, me being 19 I wasnt ready to commit to that just yet. I began going out and resented the past. Its strange how I never had the strength to break it off when things were rough, but as soon as they’re turning great I start to look back and resented him for a lot that had happened. I thought I was falling out of love with him, and he believed we were moving backwards (was no longer staying for long periods of time at his place, would go out without him) so we broke it off.

    In the meantime I had begun catching up with an old friend who I knew through one of my best girl friends. I’ve known him for years but never really hung out much. We started dating almost immediately after me and my ex broke up and have been together now for almost 2 years. He is turning 24, I am 21. We have been living together for a year and a half, and things have been great. We have traveled together, he gets along great with my family, we talk about marriage in the future when I am finished with my degree.

    However.. the past few months I have been constantly thinking about my ex. I knew I would always have feelings for him, but the last few months have been completely heart wrenching. We remained in contact after the breakup and although I havent seen him in person in almost two years, we still text almost everyday. Strange thing is, he started dating someone new right after out breakup as well and have been together ever since and are also now living together. I have never met her, but I know she gets along well with his family and had many mutual friends with my ex. I think the main part that upsets me, is how much better I know he treats her. And how much he learned from his relationship with me to be a better person. Im jealous that he had to break my heart to know how to be a great boyfriend.

    I have never fallen out of love with my ex. However I do not regret our decision to break up, for at the time it was what was needed. However, I wish I hadnt found such a great guy so quickly after and had time to myself to see if we just needed a break or if things were truely over.

    Its been almost 2 years now since we broke up, and him now being 27 scares me… for even though I am happy with my new man, there has always been a part of me that thought.. maybe one day.. we would get back together. Now, with him being 27, new gf 24, Im scared of him settling down and getting married. Part of me wishes he would just tell me shes “the one” and I could somehow get closer and let go of that part of me that is still attached to him. I know he still cares for me as well, for he wouldn't keep in contact with me the way he does. However, I also know he probably loves his new gf very much, the same as me and my new man.

    Im completely confused right now, I dont want to leave my man, I know he doesnt want to leave his gf but I cant stop thinking about him. Its at the point where I cant even enjoy the time with my new man because I am still hung up on everything. I feel nauseous and depressed. I am unhappy and feel sick most of the day for its all I've been able to think about. Is it better to just cut ties forever (delete off phone, **, etc.) or remain friends and only friends for who knows what could happen in the future?

     
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    Old 05-27-2011, 12:03 PM   #2
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    Re: Love my bf, but still in love with my ex

    I personally think you should cut contact with him. Hes your past now and you are both settled with new partners. You and the ex can't be friends , because you have strong feelings still for him so it doesnt work (like a friendship) and because of this 'friendship' you have with him , you are depressed , feel sick and been distant to your new man whos done nothing wrong. It is not fair on him. Its also not fair on him that hes with someone who thinks about her ex all the time and not him. It seems your with your new man because you was on the rebound from the ex and now its just comfortable rather than true love , because if it was love you wouldnt have the ex on the mind all the time. Your ex may have hurt you but hes grown up now by the sounds of it and you shouldnt resent him for that. Sometimes people do bad things then think about what they've done and change. He was younger when he got with you.

    Anyway, if he hurt you....why do you think of him and want him back? You did say you would drop everything for him so thats clear then that you want him. Again not very fair on your current man. My advice is to let the new man go , so he has a chance to meet someone who is fully into him and not wanting someone else.

    Plus if he wanted you , he would of left her for you but he doesnt want to leave her so that tells me he doesnt feel the same.

    Last edited by cryingforever; 05-27-2011 at 12:05 PM.

     
    Old 05-27-2011, 12:21 PM   #3
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    Re: Love my bf, but still in love with my ex

    When I had mentioned I would have dropped everything for him, that was when we were dating, not now. I haven't even seen him in almost 2 years.

    The issue I'm having is I am very much in love with my new man. However, I feel I am still in love with my ex. This doesn't mean that if my ex were to break up with his current gf, that I would break up with my man now. I don't know what I would do. I know we are both in serious relationships with people we both love, and who love us. However, that doesn't mean our feelings for each other have disappeared. We broke up on mutual terms, for reasons other than that we had stopped caring about one another. I'm just finding it hard to let it go. Do I move on completely, or keep the strong friendship we do have (is one of my best friends) in hopes to either remain friends in the future. (and who knows what will happen in 2-3yrs..)

    I know how I am sounding right now. I have a man who loves me, who I love back, I shouldn't be having these thoughts. It doesn't make me feel like the best person, however I am only human

     
    Old 05-27-2011, 12:28 PM   #4
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    Re: Love my bf, but still in love with my ex

    You are hoping you two can someday get back together. It is so obvious. Its upto you if you want to stay friends with him and see what happens in the future ...but...this friendship is making life diffacult for you and hard to let go and as you say you can't enjoy your new man lately.

    It seems your still friends with him for 2 reasons , feelings and to see if you two get back together , its almost like your waiting for him and waiting to see if his relationship breaks down or yours.

    But what if nothing happens in 2-3 years time? ...then you will be still right where you are now ....attached , waiting and distant towards your man who doesnt even know whats going on.

    I think theres only one way to get over him , which is to cut contact and get on with the rest of your life with your new man.

    Last edited by cryingforever; 05-27-2011 at 12:29 PM.

     
    Old 05-27-2011, 02:25 PM   #5
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    Re: Love my bf, but still in love with my ex

    I think your mind is living in the potential of what COULD HAVE BEEN had you taken a "break" instead of breaking up. Your subconscious knows you had him before, and it hurts that he loves someone else.

    If you were my daughter, I would tell you that you should break off communication with him for a time - perhaps a month or so - if you really want to keep him as a friend. And then you should NOT be in daily contact with him as a friend. Think about how you would feel if your b/f was in daily contact with an ex and if he was thinking how much he loves her and wondering if he made the right decision, wondering if it would be better with her, whatever things would go through his mind.

    I realize you don't plan to tell your b/f this, but regardless you are hurting him by taking time away from your relationship and giving that time to another. Time that you can never get back. Same as your ex - it is not fair to him or his current gf. It's wonderful to have friends, male or female, they keep you sane, keep you grounded, help you when you need it. But when those friends get in the way of the relationship IN ANY FORM it's time to lessen the bonds of the friendship. My advice would be the same if it were a man or a woman friend, as female friends can also cause problems in relationships.

    If you take the time away from this friend, you may find that after a couple of months or so you and he will be able to maintain a real friendship where you don't interfere in any way in each other's lives and don't live in the what-ifs.

     
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    Old 05-27-2011, 02:34 PM   #6
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    Re: Love my bf, but still in love with my ex

    It does sound like you want him back, or at least want the option of having him back someday. There was a really brilliant line from a movie, High Fidelity, about not commiting to a decision and keeping your options open..."...that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments." Your new relationship will never really flourish and you will never see what it can really be if you don't put 100% into it, and you can't put 100% into it as long as you're holding out hope of getting back together with your ex someday. Think long and hard about the way you feel about your ex, the thoughts and fantasies you have about him, what you are wanting regarding him, and now imagine there is an ex girlfriend in your new man's life that he feels this way about. How does that make you feel? Not too good, I bet. You need to have a real soul searching talk with yourself and figure out what you want. You say you don't know what you would do if your ex's relationship ended and he wanted you back. I think you probably DO know what you'd do. Perhaps you feel guilty, but I think you do know. I don't know if you have to cut off ALL contact with the ex, but certainly do NOT contact him every day. That just isn't fair, to you new man, to the relationship, and it's not fair to your ex's new woman. Give your new relationship a chance. Limit contact with the ex to once or twice a week. If you think hard about it and really decide that if your ex were to want you back, you'd go back to him, if that's what you really want, then you should tell him. He'll at least know how you feel, and he'll have the option of saying "gee, I didn't know you felt that way, I don't want to lead you on, and I want to be fair to my new woman, so maybe we shouldn't communicate," or, "gee, I didn't know you felt that way, say the word and I'll dump my new woman tomorrow, I want you back, too." Figure out what you really want, figure out what consequences you can and can't live with, then set a course of action accordingly. But this holding pattern is only doing you and your relationship harm.

     
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    Old 05-27-2011, 07:41 PM   #7
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    Re: Love my bf, but still in love with my ex

    I think you have a fear of intimacy. Just when the first guy started falling in love with you and wanted to move in with you (if I'm remembering your post correctly), you lost interest because you weren't ready, and started to resent him for problems earlier in the relationship. Then, with your current guy, he talks about marriage, and maybe that scares you, so you'd rather think about your ex again (who is safely unavailable). Whenever each one has wanted to go to the next level, it seems like you get scared and lose interest. It doesn't seem like you really have a reason to break up with your current guy. It seems like you like him, and it seems like the ex likes his new girlfriend. Plus you both chose someone new who is closer in age, so maybe you're more compatible with your new significant others. Of course you are going to have doubts if you are in daily contact with your ex. I think you should limit contact to like once a month. You can't focus on your current boyfriend if you're constantly thinking of your ex. Give the new guy a chance. You're acting like your ex is still yours since you don't want him to marry his new girlfriend. You can't have it both ways. You can't have a boyfriend and then consider your ex all yours too. You have to pick one, and want the one you have. I'm inclined to think that even if you broke up with your current boyfriend and got back with your ex, then when he was ready to take things to the next level, you'd lose interest in him, and you'd want your current boyfriend back. Having said all that, it's possible to like two guys at once, but you can never grow as a couple if you're not fully mentally present in your relationship.

     
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