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hahalol 06-03-2011 05:15 AM

past lies are ruining my relationship
 
My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 and a half going on 3 years now. i want to start off by saying, i really dont care about my girlfriends past, nor what she does, im really open about this relationship. Mainly because i dont care for relationships. I just truly love this girl. When we got together originally shes way different then she is now, i know this goes for everyone, cause things in life change you and we've been through alot, and living with someone changes you, you change on a daily basis, im not dumb. When we got together tho, she was proud of her um sexual adventures, because well i was just another. the more time we spent together we decided this buddy thing might as well become real cause the feelings seemed it, and we couldnt control them anymore. I didnt used to grill her on her past, but she was open back then and would bring up her sexual past up, just in stories. I noticed after we started dating that the stories would change, and all of a sudden things she mentioned before would be left out, and if i asked about it, i was told they never happened, and a fight would ensue. all i care about in truth is honesty. after weeks would go by from a certain lie, she would come kind of clean, but she "wouldnt remember" the infamous "i dont know" what i did 2 days ago or who i was with or what took me 4 hours to get home from somewhere 30 minutes away. we would fight and argue and id go to end it, but i care too much to leave, im not going to let something in the past break up the relationship, and thats how she looks at it. what was affecting me was the lies. i eventually just dropped the topic and let it go for the past 2 years that we've been living together. with me left never knowing the truth on any of these stories, and the lies and my trust shattered. just recently ive been forced into dealing with some of the dudes in her past and they have a bad history, after some stuff went down things were left on bad terms and my girl just stopped talking to them. this has caused her lies to come back up. it being 2 years later, 3-4 years from when it happened she still doesnt remember, but now ill believe it cause its been so long. the fights have led to us actually breaking up. were still living together but we barely talk and when we do its just constant fighting. i want this to work with this girl, i dont want to know what happened in her past, i just want her to understand that the lies have hurt me, and they constantly make me feel like she never loved me. i just feel if you're going to be with someone forever, they should be your best friend above your lover, and you should be able to tell your bestfriend ANYTHING, and not worry how their going to look at you or if they're going to get mad or upset or hurt. i feel betrayed, and like im worthless to her. am i wrong for feeling this way? over the lies? and being forced to just let it go? i want this to work what should i do?

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hahalol 06-03-2011 05:17 AM

Re: past lies are ruining my relationship
 
sorry i didnt give details on what the lies were about, i dont think shed want her history on here, like i said i care, i respect her and she thinks they make her trashy and slutty, i mean some of them were more um... "hardcore" than most people accept, but i dont see anything wrong with them. like i said the acts arent even the issue. it was the lies

BeaTrade 06-03-2011 05:28 AM

Re: past lies are ruining my relationship
 
Why do you keep drilling her about what she did? Stop asking her to explain something she did before you two were a couple and she'll stop "lying" about it! Does she drill you about all of your past sexual acts with others? From my own personal experience with finding out facts about who my husband has been with and details about it...I'll tell you that it's best just to shut up about it and it has nothing to do with the current relationship you are in now! What she did when you two were just **** buddies is no more important than what YOU did in that time!

writeleft 06-03-2011 05:54 AM

Re: past lies are ruining my relationship
 
When you mention that you just "dropped it" at the time, it sounds as if you really didn't. You may have put them on a back burner, but as you see now, they have come back to the surface.

I have a personal policy that does not include kissing and telling. Once a relationship is over, it is over and I would not consider filling my new partner in any details..particularly when it comes to sex. There is just nothing to be gained from this information for the new partner, no matter how "open" they profess to be.

At this point, it is up to you whether you can honestly drop her past, and all that she has shared with you. I would ask her to resist sharing anymore details about her past, and you make a clean break. If you truly want this relationship to be based on today and your future, you both need to agree that these is the new rules. From there it will be up to you to try and live with these terms, and if you can, there should be no further issue with it. You may however find it harder than you think to regain that trust and intimacy, based on a simple decision to drop the past.

If it turns out that the past will not go back to it's dark hiding place, and continues to find it's way into your present, it may be time to re-think the longevity of this relationship. You will always have the option of starting a new relationship with new rules to avoid this from happening again.

If she is unable to live without her past popping up into your lives together, perhaps she likes the power of her secrets and sexual escapades and they will continue to make themselves present. I wish you well.

rosequartz 06-03-2011 06:09 AM

Re: past lies are ruining my relationship
 
if you continue to badger her about things she has no control over you are going to lose her.....what she did before you is NONE of your business.....

Curious One 06-03-2011 07:51 AM

Re: past lies are ruining my relationship
 
[QUOTE=rosequartz;4769373]if you continue to badger her about things she has no control over you are going to lose her.....what she did before you is NONE of your business.....[/QUOTE]

RQ, you crack me up with your bluntness. Probably because, like with this statement, I could not agree more.

mju58 06-03-2011 09:58 AM

Re: past lies are ruining my relationship
 
"perhaps she likes the power of her secrets and sexual escapades and they will continue to make themselves present."

Me thinks this quote says it all. It doesn't sound to me like he's the only one that keeps bringing this topic up. She either likes the power these things have over him or she likes torturing him. I suspect it's the power. Now, if he really can drop it and she keeps it up, the relationship may not be worth the anguish. Good Luck!

00lady00 06-03-2011 10:23 AM

Re: past lies are ruining my relationship
 
This has been a popular topic lately. Honestly, this is one of those things where yeah, maybe her stories aren't consistent but do they really need to be? personally, I wouldn't wanna tell my bf all about my past lovers and what we did LOL, that's just ridiculous, maybe when things were casual she felt better about it but now that it's serious she thinks it isn't appropriate to do that. On the flip side, I REALLY wouldn't wanna know what my bf did with his ex lovers and what not, that's honestly asking for problems and the past really shouldn't matter. There are times when my bf will say "me and my ex use to.." and that's usually my cue to tune out stuff or cut the topic short, I really don't wanna know!

In my opinion this sounds like a case of "little white lie", I know ideally we would want to think that our partners need to tell us every single little thing and not lie at all, but that's unrealistic, people have secrets, even if they're dumb secrets we all have them and everyone is entitled to what they want to share. This is a dumb reason to make such a problem out of, she may not be disclosing things as she use to but she doesn't really need to, stop looking for trouble, that's my advice.

sarberrie 06-03-2011 11:26 AM

Re: past lies are ruining my relationship
 
The only part of her past you have a right to know about is if she contracted any STD's/STI's that may still be affecting her today (HPV, Herpes), and you have the right to know if and when the last time she was tested for STD's before entering a committed relationship with you. Other than that, the past is past and it's not your business about what parts of her past sexual activity are true or false.

cryingforever 06-03-2011 04:21 PM

Re: past lies are ruining my relationship
 
Why do you want/need to know about her past sexual partners? I personally wouldnt , thats like ewwww no way would i want to know.

hahalol 06-04-2011 12:09 AM

[QUOTE=BeaTrade;4769352]Why do you keep drilling her about what she did? Stop asking her to explain something she did before you two were a couple and she'll stop "lying" about it! Does she drill you about all of your past sexual acts with others? From my own personal experience with finding out facts about who my husband has been with and details about it...I'll tell you that it's best just to shut up about it and it has nothing to do with the current relationship you are in now! What she did when you two were just **** buddies is no more important than what YOU did in that time![/QUOTE]


i mean she has, but i wasnt even talking about her past acts. i was referring to things that happened during the first year of the relationship, i thought i stated i didnt care about her past acts. the things that bothered me were the things that happened during the relationship, during the first 12 months of it, nothing to do with things that happened before us. i apologize if the ramble up top was confusing, its what it was, a ramble i was up for far too many hours, and just lost in my thoughts, i wasnt even going to check back.
my problem is the things that happened during the relationship were left unanswered, or stories changed, or half lies were admitted.

[QUOTE=rosequartz;4769373]if you continue to badger her about things she has no control over you are going to lose her.....what she did before you is NONE of your business.....[/QUOTE]

but she does have a control on wether shes honest or not. like i said its not her past thats an issue, it was what she did while we were together and lied, or never answered.

hahalol 06-04-2011 02:08 AM

Re: past lies are ruining my relationship
 
once again... not the past, it was during the relationship, not when we were sex buddies. i dont care about what she did in her past. i didnt even know her then. i was referring to when we were an actual couple the things she would do. people she would supposedly have "hung" out with. and no im not the only one bringing it up... sure someone elses post said it.

Ely4 06-04-2011 02:23 AM

Re: past lies are ruining my relationship
 
You'll probably never be satisfied with the answers she gives you. There is lack of honesty and trust in this relationship. Is it really worth all the problems it's causing?

della1 06-04-2011 09:42 AM

Re: past lies are ruining my relationship
 
I'm curious about how these 'stories' came up in the beginning. Would she just start telling you unnecessary stuff just to engage in conversation or was it cuz you were asking her about particular things?

From your first post it kinda sounds like shes bring them up out of the blue, and then changing them. If that's the case, then she has a problem and I'm not sure you need it. I've had that happen to me (small scale, not about sex) and it was really irritating to hear things that didn't jibe with the previous version. Made me question his motivation, and I definitely lost trust in his ability to be honest about things that might matter. Nobody likes being lied to for any reason regardless of how harmless, it's disrespectful. In fact the more harmless they are, the more insulting they can be (like, how dumb do you think I am? lol)

BUT, if she started making up stories or changing the details just to answer your specific questions (which seem to be the case now) then that's something else. What she should have done was warn you that she isn't going to answer questions about this or that, and if you continue, warn you that she is going to give you garbage answers.

How is her honesty about stuff that doesn't relate to those early events?

writeleft 06-04-2011 11:24 PM

Re: past lies are ruining my relationship
 
hahalol,

I am happy you did come back, as it looks like we all needed some clearing up with the details.

If the subject is about her lying to you in the first year of your relationship, then that is a problem that would be very hard to overcome. How can you ever be sure she is not lying now?

To me, it would matter what she chose to lie about...if it was to avoid hurting you, that is one thing. If she was just lying when the truth would have been better, that is another story. Those types of lies are very hard to make sense of, and for me would be much harder to forgive.

We are trying to help you, so please give us another chance to do so, now that we have a better understanding of the problem.


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