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  • Messy breakup after 9 years!!! Help!!!

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    Old 06-06-2011, 06:38 AM   #1
    stereophonatic
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    Messy breakup after 9 years!!! Help!!!

    Hi all,
    I am from Ireland and would really appreciate it if anyone could take the time to read my story here and give me some advice. I am in a very traumatic way at the moment and really need advice as to what went wrong...

    I am 25 and started a relationship with my girlfriend when we were both 16. We were childhood sweethearts right up until one month ago. We have never broken up before and we never took a break or anything like that. I love her more than anything else in the world and I always thought she loved me the same too. We lived together, we had a dog together and money was never a problem for us. In all honesty, the past few months have been a bit stale in all departments and we were bickering and arguing a lot. Now, again being honest, we have had many isolated domestic disputes over the years and there were a few times they got out of hand. Pushing, shoving, throwing things etc. Mainly me to her and her retaliating. I know it's not right and sometimes she may have felt fed up or even scared but we always apologised to each other and moved on. These were all isolated incidents over the 9 years and were certainly not a weekly or monthly occurance.

    Long story short, 4 weeks ago I picked up her phone and there were text messages in her sent box in her phone to MY BEST FRIEND of 18 years of an intimate nature. In all honestly, I lost the plot at the ultimate betrayal from the love of my life and my best friend. They denied it and fed me a bs story to cover up the lie and over the following 2 and a half days myself and my girlfriend had long chats and she was very convincing (to the point where I deep down started to believe her.) Now, it's important that I mention this next part; I was at work both days following the incident and was at numerous other places too. Two days after the incident, I left for work and came home for lunch and told my girlfriend that I knew of a way of extracting the deleted text messages from her phone that would prove that she was not cheating on me with my best friend (If indeed she was telling the truth.) She gave me the sim card from her phone and said I could read whatever I wanted and that she would prove that she didn't do anything of the sort. I left to go back to work and when I came home that evening at around 5pm, she was gone and had taken our puppy with her.

    Half an hour later, I was arrested by Police and charged with all sorts! Now, she has told the truth about some of it, exaggerated other bits of it and the one thing that is scaring the hell out of me is that she has fabricated an allegation that I falsely imprisoned her in our home for 2 and a half days and said that I was with her the WHOLE TIME! She says she tried to escape and I wouldn't let her go etc. Now I have admitted to the Police from the start that yes I did lash out at her in the heat of the moment and that I did certain other things, but how could she go so far to ruin me for me catching her cheating with my best friend? She knows all about him and how he cheated on his last girlfriend on many occasions (she was a friend to his ex girlfriend and even comforted her when they split 4 weeks before all this was found out.)

    I have witness statements to say I was at work, at a funeral, at the bank (CCTV footage and receipts) as well as a few other places that she drove me to and sat outside in the car...

    This whole thing has broken my heart and I have been running through my head all the times we argued, fought or when I was bang out of order and I cannot help feeling that maybe I pushed her into his arms! But why go so far to destroy me? We hadn't argued in months and she knows deep down that I would have taken the stars out of the sky for her (even though I didn't always show it.) I always thought she was a liar but never with anything significant.

    He was my BEST friend in the whole world so how could he do this to me? Even if she has confided in him that she wasn't happy or something? Do you think it is possible that they have got together behind my back and decided that if I ever found out they knew how I would react and they could literally completely discredit me by making allegations that are not only true, but some completely fabricated? They have even been seen 3 weeks later standing outside his mother's home kissing, hugging and laughing late at night and I am out on bail and have to return to court in 2 weeks! I have lost my girlfriend of 9 years, my best friend, my dog and I am back at my mother's house like a 16 year old again! One day everything was fine and the next my life was turned upside down completely!

    I would just like to finish off with the fact that I have never been an angel and have had my moments, but how could they do this to me after all the great times we had together? I feel so alone it's scary.....


     
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    Old 06-06-2011, 08:41 AM   #2
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    Re: Messy breakup after 9 years!!! Help!!!

    This is a terrible situation, I don't really know what to say. All I can think about is that first of all, you need to get both of these people out of your lives and get this legal situation under control, have the charges been dropped? what's going on with that?

    as far as your best friend and ex, you need to basically get them out of your life, as painful as it is your ex, for whatever reasons she may have, is out to hurt you and you can't let her do that, this proves that whatever you two had in the past is just that, the past. You need to move forward, get this mess cleared up and move on.

     
    Old 06-06-2011, 09:17 AM   #3
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    Re: Messy breakup after 9 years!!! Help!!!

    As far as I am aware, they have made no effort to drop anything and it looks very likely that they have no intentions to! He is running telling people that nothing happened abd that I am a wife beater etc! They're both trying to discredit me as much as possible using my past history as everyone knows I've a short fuse and have been out of order in the past. Again I am stressing that I know that our isolated incidents in the past are not right and I initiated a lot of the heated arguments but she knew that I was never any danger to her (if she was genuinely scared off me would she have been carrying on like that for months under my nose with my best friend?) She might have been bored of me or felt like I didn't fancy her but what in God's name are they playing at? He was staying over a lot at our house when he broke up with his girlfriend (that's what best friends are for right?) and I made sure he was alright for money etc and look how he repaid me!

    She has went running to the police over 2 days later only when she knew the game was up! He must not have been with her as her statement is very different to his and in fairness, his statement matches mine in many aspects. Thinking back now I can spot little hints that she wasn't happy and maybe I did take my eye off the ball for some months but why couldn't she talk to me about any serious concerns she may have been having? Even after they fed me the bs story she was adamant that she didn't do anything wrong and was crying a lot saying what I was suggesting was "sick". What's that all about? Genuine remorse and wanting things to go back to the way they were or just a great actress waiting on a great chance to lure me into a trap and get away?

    The fact that both of them are still going together knowing what I've been through and thinking I could go to prison is a very chilling thought! They're keeping a very low profile and everyone knows what they've done and I now thinks it's too far beyond repair even IF she wad sorry and still loved me (doubt that very much though.)

    Thank you for your kind reply, it means the world to me!

     
    Old 06-06-2011, 11:40 AM   #4
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    Re: Messy breakup after 9 years!!! Help!!!

    Honestly you may not be an angel, but it sounds like your ex is a devil.......she seems to have some major mental damage going on, and it seems like it would have been fairly easy for her to have sucked your BF in.....perhaps even caused his breakup in order to do it...did you ever think of that?

    Sounds like she is major bad news and you would be way better off to forget her and just get on with your life. If you've got all of your alibis in tact and all of your witness statements, then court should go well for you....she can't prove what didn't happen right? Get through it and get on with your life! Sounds harsh....but what you have to do.

    Sorry, kat

     
    Old 06-06-2011, 11:52 AM   #5
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    Re: Messy breakup after 9 years!!! Help!!!

    I am sorry you had to go through all of this. I know it feels like being stabbed in your back. It's a good thing, however, that you acknowledge that you have done wrong things, too, but what they eventually did to you was quite unfair in terms of proportion. Try to put this behind yourself after you are able to clean up your record with the law. Forget these people and move on. I know it is difficult, but you should fight against being resentful and revengeful, for resentment and revenge can only make you feel stuck in your life. Let life take its own course. Look at all of this as a challenge to renew your own life. Like when you take out the weeds from the ground and create a new garden.

     
    Old 06-06-2011, 11:59 AM   #6
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    Re: Messy breakup after 9 years!!! Help!!!

    I agree with the above post, hurting someone in this way is terrible! People fall in/out of love all the time, but there isn't any reason why she should try to put you in jail unless she's a terrible person, just go through court, get all your statements from people, and get everything in order so that when you go to court you're ready, she can't prove something that isn't true and especially if her and the bff's statements are different.

     
    Old 06-06-2011, 04:22 PM   #7
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    Re: Messy breakup after 9 years!!! Help!!!

    Thank you to all of u who took the time to read my post and offer advice.

    God bless

     
    Old 06-07-2011, 04:31 AM   #8
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    Re: Messy breakup after 9 years!!! Help!!!

    Sorry to bang on about this but a few other things have come to light that I hope someone can advise on...

    People have now come to me regarding certain things about my (ex?) girlfriend. Some people have said that friends of hers from school always thought she was a liar and now I have been wrecking my brains back to different times of our 9 years together and there were many times I can near enough be sure she was telling lies, most of them nothing significant however few worrying ones.

    Also, it has come to my attention as well from people (and from memories of my own now) where she could potentially be a thief. Stealing sums of money, perfume and make up of friends and things like that. No real evidence but is this all coincendental or could there potentially be a streak in her that has been there for years and she has just hid it very well. Would these character traits (if they are indeed there) explain why this has all come about or why she has fabricated some of her statement to the police?

    I am not looking to find faults in her on purpose because I am bitter and hurt at what has happened to me, I am just trying to understand the correlation between lying and stealing and trying to piece together if it could have an impact on her overall behaviour and has it come to a head now...

    Thank you to all of you again for taking the time to listen and reply.

     
    Old 06-07-2011, 05:00 AM   #9
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    Re: Messy breakup after 9 years!!! Help!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by stereophonatic View Post
    Hi all,
    I am in a very traumatic way at the moment and really need advice as to what went wrong...
    You know what went wrong, you are just having trouble facing it.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by stereophonatic View Post
    I am 25 and started a relationship with my girlfriend when we were both 16. We were childhood sweethearts right up until one month ago. We have never broken up before and we never took a break or anything like that. I love her more than anything else in the world and I always thought she loved me the same too.
    You have a strange way of showing your love for her and her to you based on what you say in your post.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by stereophonatic View Post
    We lived together, we had a dog together and money was never a problem for us. In all honesty, the past few months have been a bit stale in all departments and we were bickering and arguing a lot. Now, again being honest, we have had many isolated domestic disputes over the years and there were a few times they got out of hand. Pushing, shoving, throwing things etc. Mainly me to her and her retaliating. I know it's not right and sometimes she may have felt fed up or even scared but we always apologised to each other and moved on.
    That doesn't really make it right. You just can't keep this kind of thing going and expect an apology will make everthing alright and clean the slate. It just doesn't work that way. It wears out a relationship over time.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by stereophonatic View Post
    These were all isolated incidents over the 9 years and were certainly not a weekly or monthly occurance.
    Would it really make a difference if this all occurred within a short period of time? The fact that it occured over the 9 years tells me this would be more likely to keep occurring in the future. Who needs or wants this kind of relationship, really?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by stereophonatic View Post
    Long story short, 4 weeks ago I picked up her phone and there were text messages in her sent box in her phone to MY BEST FRIEND of 18 years of an intimate nature. In all honestly, I lost the plot at the ultimate betrayal from the love of my life and my best friend. They denied it and fed me a bs story to cover up the lie and over the following 2 and a half days myself and my girlfriend had long chats and she was very convincing (to the point where I deep down started to believe her.) Now, it's important that I mention this next part; I was at work both days following the incident and was at numerous other places too. Two days after the incident, I left for work and came home for lunch and told my girlfriend that I knew of a way of extracting the deleted text messages from her phone that would prove that she was not cheating on me with my best friend (If indeed she was telling the truth.) She gave me the sim card from her phone and said I could read whatever I wanted and that she would prove that she didn't do anything of the sort. I left to go back to work and when I came home that evening at around 5pm, she was gone and had taken our puppy with her.
    I don't agree with what she did, but I think the message is that she wants to end this relationship with you and was afraid of how you would react if she would approach you in a reasonable way to explain it face to face. Could you handle it? I am not too sure.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by stereophonatic View Post
    Half an hour later, I was arrested by Police and charged with all sorts! Now, she has told the truth about some of it, exaggerated other bits of it and the one thing that is scaring the hell out of me is that she has fabricated an allegation that I falsely imprisoned her in our home for 2 and a half days and said that I was with her the WHOLE TIME! She says she tried to escape and I wouldn't let her go etc. Now I have admitted to the Police from the start that yes I did lash out at her in the heat of the moment and that I did certain other things, but how could she go so far to ruin me for me catching her cheating with my best friend? She knows all about him and how he cheated on his last girlfriend on many occasions (she was a friend to his ex girlfriend and even comforted her when they split 4 weeks before all this was found out.)

    I have witness statements to say I was at work, at a funeral, at the bank (CCTV footage and receipts) as well as a few other places that she drove me to and sat outside in the car...
    So, what now? Are you going to get back at her for this? What will you accomplish? You won't get her back. Face it, let her go, it is over. Both of you will be better off moving on.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by stereophonatic View Post
    This whole thing has broken my heart and I have been running through my head all the times we argued, fought or when I was bang out of order and I cannot help feeling that maybe I pushed her into his arms! But why go so far to destroy me? We hadn't argued in months and she knows deep down that I would have taken the stars out of the sky for her (even though I didn't always show it.) I always thought she was a liar but never with anything significant.

    She is basically just tired of you. She just has her own way of showing it whether you agree with it or not. That's just the way it looks like to me. I know you don't want to hear all this, but you need to suck it up and move on.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by stereophonatic View Post
    He was my BEST friend in the whole world so how could he do this to me? Even if she has confided in him that she wasn't happy or something? Do you think it is possible that they have got together behind my back and decided that if I ever found out they knew how I would react and they could literally completely discredit me by making allegations that are not only true, but some completely fabricated? They have even been seen 3 weeks later standing outside his mother's home kissing, hugging and laughing late at night and I am out on bail and have to return to court in 2 weeks! I have lost my girlfriend of 9 years, my best friend, my dog and I am back at my mother's house like a 16 year old again! One day everything was fine and the next my life was turned upside down completely!
    He never really was your best friend if you think about it. I could not tell you if they got together behind your back, and it shouldn't matter anymore at this point. The poor dog deserves better and shouldn't have to go through all this.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by stereophonatic View Post
    I would just like to finish off with the fact that I have never been an angel and have had my moments, but how could they do this to me after all the great times we had together? I feel so alone it's scary.....
    It's too late to for her to consider how you feel about this. It simple comes down to you had too many bad times together and she just got fed up with it. A simple fact often overlooked. I am surprised it took her so long to snap.

    It's over !

    HOOP! ( I have a lot of free time today.)

     
    Old 06-07-2011, 05:09 AM   #10
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    Re: Messy breakup after 9 years!!! Help!!!

    HOOP...

    Thank you for your honest and kind reply. I appreciate it. But there was absolutely no need to go and feed the Police a load of malicious lies on top of the truth. She knows all about him and his liaisons with other girls (some with her friends) behind his girlfriend's back (she was friends with her too). He has no job and owes banks a fortune and is just a general slimey character, what's the attraction? It wouldn't be as bad if she was meeting a decent guy from work or something but she knew I loved her and had many more good points than bad ones.

    I think I will just have to learn from my own mistakes and accept that I may never know why she has went this far with all this. With me, what you see is roughly what you get. With her, it seems as though there are traits to her character that were very well hidden.

    Cheers.

    Last edited by stereophonatic; 06-07-2011 at 05:10 AM.

     
    Old 06-07-2011, 09:25 AM   #11
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    Re: Messy breakup after 9 years!!! Help!!!

    Sure they are charachter traits....like I said i don't think your ex is the "sweet thing" you thought she was all those years. I think you've been played a bit, sorry to say. But honestly, it's good to get out now as opposed to being a part of her mischief forever. I would put as much distance between you and her as possible and just get back to living your life. And yes I know it hurts and your going to be hurting for a while....but this too shall pass, as they say. It will get better, and it sounds like you've come off the better end. Get through court and then get on with your life.

    kat

     
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