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  • Do I HATE my fiance?

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    Old 06-09-2011, 06:45 PM   #1
    citychicgal
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    Unhappy Do I HATE my fiance?

    Ok, so I have a great guy for the most part. He gave me the proposal off a lifetime, sacrificed so I could have a bigger ring, and gives me everything he can. We have been together for over 2 years, we are not married yet because of money and we live together. We fight a lot, over stupid things. He tries to suggest things, like not leave the air conditioner on because of the bill, etc! That pisses me off, I am hot and miserable. He yells at our dog when it barks, and really gets mad. He sometimes wines like a baby. He doesnt really open up to me all the time and he MAJOR anger issues. I dont know what to do. I get a sunken feeling that i dont want this..its something i cannot lay my finger on...But then I cannot imagine my life without him. I cry when I think of leaving him. And he pays our rent, which helps me with my personal career, so maybe that why I am staying? I dont know. Please advise, and I crazy, selfish, or too young. Im in the age group of 21-24.

    What i dont like is when I dont do something he likes, or TELL him when he is doing something wrong he gets all pissy and pouts! Please advise, married people.

     
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    Old 06-10-2011, 02:23 AM   #2
    fjeeva001
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    Re: Do I HATE my fiance?

    Hi
    Im 26 been married for one year exactly. According to our culture we dont live togethre before marriage so you are lucky your getting to see the real side of him before you make that big commitmnet..it will not get better after marriage infact this is just a trailer for bigger things..If you having this feeling now, its best to take a break for a while maybe not breakup completely just say you need space..and see how life is without him for a while and if you feel after that that you can overlook these things and your love is stronger than you can go in for marriage with an open mind but if not you have a chance to end it before you get married.
    Think carefully

     
    Old 06-10-2011, 03:36 AM   #3
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    Re: Do I HATE my fiance?

    I agree , i think you two need some space. People need space to realise what they have, appreciate them more, miss them or prefer it without them.

    Have you sat down and tried to have a heart to heart with him?

    No shouting , no arguing, just to talk calmly about whats happening in your relationship and both express your feelings in a calm way and then make compromises.

    If not , you could always write him a letter or is that no good?

    Last edited by cryingforever; 06-10-2011 at 03:37 AM.

     
    Old 06-10-2011, 04:32 AM   #4
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    Re: Do I HATE my fiance?

    I would also suggest that you look at your part in this. You say that your fiance sacrificed so you can have a bigger ring- why do you NEED a bigger ring is my question- and he asks you not to leave the air conditioner on because it's expensive, and you don't seem to place too much value on what he's telling you. Sounds like he is feeling a lot of pressure to meet the financial needs of the two of you.
    I got married at 19 and am now 51, still married. My best advice to you is to realize that there are two sides to every unhappiness, and it would be only fair of you to look at what you are bringing to the relationship that is encouraging unhappiness in your fiance
    that you can fix, too. It's not easy but you will both be better off for it in the long run.

    Sue

     
    Old 06-10-2011, 05:31 AM   #5
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    Re: Do I HATE my fiance?

    Thank you so much everyone. I thought about a break, but he doesnt believe in them.

    Sue...How have you been married since 19? I feel that in cities people dont get married early, but down South/Midwest they do. Or they had to move out of their house so they got married. Was any of this true for you?

     
    Old 06-10-2011, 11:32 AM   #6
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    Re: Do I HATE my fiance?

    Have you tried to have a heart to heart talk with him?

    Sounds like you both need to express yourselfs alot better and to make some compromises to suit both sides.

     
    Old 06-10-2011, 03:35 PM   #7
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    Re: Do I HATE my fiance?

    Do you feel any love for this guy? Or he is simply making your life easier because he's paying for the rent, the bills, etc. There is a huge difference..

    I agree with Crying, I think if you really love this guy deep down, you both need to have a heart to heart talk and learn about compromise. A healthy relationship is never one person's way but learning how to address and adjust to both person's needs...

    Sunny

     
    Old 06-10-2011, 06:15 PM   #8
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    Re: Do I HATE my fiance?

    Fortunately I didn't have to move out of my parent's house when I did.
    I am a rarity, I agree! I always figured that many youth in the South and midwest get married very young because they want to become sexual, and their faith prevents them from having sex before marriage.

     
    Old 06-11-2011, 03:20 AM   #9
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    Re: Do I HATE my fiance?

    Hi citychicgal,
    I'm not sure how much I can help, but I have a few thoughts.
    First of all, don't be afraid to walk away. A divorce is very difficult, much harder than a breakup.
    Second, it seems that money plays a huge factor in your RL. I wonder if you had to be the main breadwinner if you would see his side of things a little? When I was married my H paid for everything. Going in, I thought it would be a great idea. We had many many many similar arguments to yours. I had an enormous ring.
    When I divorced, I went through incredible hardship before I was finally able to feel financially secure. Now I earn more than most households, thank G-d. But now, all the stuff my husband whined at me about, I do, and more. I turn off every light when I leave a room, I wait until I have a full load of laundry before I run the wash etc. And yes sometimes I leave the a/c off. I treat my own money with more respect than I treated his, which is really embarassing to admit!
    (One of his big things was that I would run the washing mashine if my fave pair of jeans was dirty even if there was no other laundry, I cannot imagine being so wasteful now...)

    I'm still glad I left him. He couldn't communicate with me without blowing up in my face and really had a mean streak. But he was right about a few things.

    I don't know if this is helpful to you, but if you think your bf is an angry sort of person, take your time and reevaluate. But also know that there will never in your life come a time when there is tons of money for everything. There will always be other things you want and stuff to sacrafice for. There are people in this country who don't even have a/c, kwim?
    If you do decide to go it without him, you'll be ok. But I won't lie, paying all your bills on your own when you've never done it is overwhelming for the first year or so. But it can be done if that is what you want.
    Best wishes.

     
    Old 06-11-2011, 03:51 AM   #10
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    Re: Do I HATE my fiance?

    Hi city..what stuck out to me, more than anything else is his ANGER issues. Anger is one letter away from danger. When someone can only deal with things in life with anger, that is a real problem. Right now is probably the BEST your relationship will be....that being the courting stage. I married someone with anger issues and my life was hell.

    Things like settling for a smaller ring can be worked on in the future and I am "Feeling" that bigger ring was about his ego and not you for some reason, although I have nothing tangible to base that on, just a feeling I got when reading your post.

    I suffer terribly in the heat and to me the AC is actually for our health as well as for comfort. Getting a great night's sleep, gives us more energy the next day. I cannot see leaving it on if you are not home...but if you need it, that should be YOUR personal choice. I don't think men get to make that choice for us. And surely, a couple should be working together towards the same goals without one person being the "boss" or "bossy."

    I am a 55 year old grammy. Married and divorced. I have had an amazing prince and a frog too. PLEASE, whatever YOU decide to do, do NOT ignore your intuitons even if you cannot explain things or put your finger on it right now. It does for SURE mean something!!!!!!! Sadly women can tend to ignore these things and later it is a big, big problem that can create a LOT of regret.

    Again, ANGER is a PROBLEM and a big one. I am not deaf. I don't need anyone yelling at me. I am not a little kid and I don't need to be bossed around or talked down to. And of course I have to give that kind of respect back to the man in my life.

    Oh and the person making the most money still does not get to be boss. This could be reversed one day and you could be making more money and that would not give you the right to be bossy either. It is called TEAM work. And when there is team work, things flow nicely....

    Madison

    Last edited by Madison104; 06-11-2011 at 03:54 AM.

     
    Old 06-11-2011, 07:37 PM   #11
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    Re: Do I HATE my fiance?

    You said you've been with him for 2 years, but how long have you been living with him? I know that the first year I lived with my now husband was really hard. It's a big adjustment and people act like it should be like a honeymoon. But dating and only seeing each other part of the day is alot different than being around someone 24x7. Familiarity breeds contempt, as they say. You said you fight about little things. If they really are little, it seems like you could work them out. After all, you did agree to marry him so he must have some positive things going for him. Yelling at the dog doesn't sound good, but I think you could easily compromise over the a/c. If he wants to run the a/c less, you could drink cool beverages or eat popsicles and wear one of those around the neck cooling things when it gets really hot. Your dog may not like less a/c either though. I agree with another poster that if he has anger problems that's not good. I guess if I were you I'd try to figure out how bad his anger problems really are. But relationships are hard work, and lots of people say to bail out early, but my parents have been married almost 45 years and I am more inclined to tell people to try to work things out. You're still young, but even if you called the whole thing off and found another guy, you'd still have to adjust to living with another guy all over again. There is always going to be an adjustment period. Once you work out who does what around the house, and how you are going to compromise on things, it gets better. The little things you can work out, but things like his anger you may not be able to change. You have to decide what problems are solvable, and try to solve them, and figure out if you are willing to tolerate the things that are not likely to improve.

     
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