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  • Is this a toxic relationship? Is there any hope for us?

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    Old 07-03-2011, 01:10 PM   #1
    portgirl
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    Is this a toxic relationship? Is there any hope for us?

    I am very much in love with my boyfriend of 4 years and our relationship has always been really intense and our love has never been a question until lately. We both suffer from drug and alcohol addiction. I have been sober for a year and a half and he has been sober 2 months. We decided it was time to get clean when I found out we were pregnant, but it wasn't quite so easy for my boyfriend.

    So he began to sneak around, lie to me, blow all his money on substances making me feel terrified for our baby's future, deceived by all the lies, and extremely hurt because i began to feel like he didn't care about me and the baby. Then he started to get angry by all my doubt and hurt feelings and blaming me for his substance abuse.

    During my 7th month of pregnancy, the anger and drug abuse had reached its peak. A tiny argument turned into him completely destroying everything in our apartment, the cops being called, him taken away to jail and us being evicted. So i was left homeless, 7 months pregnant and the father of my baby was in jail.

    Thankfully, his parents understood what I was going through and helped me with an apartment. A fews days later he was bailed out of jail, but since the state believed I was in danger, there was a restraining order not allowing him any contact with me. He eventually violated his bail conditions by failing a drug test and went back to jail for 2 months.

    A few days after this I gave birth to our healthy beautiful baby boy. He missed out on the birth and first two months of his first baby's life. I felt so lost. I felt guilty, depriving my son of his father and angry because his addiction was ruining our relationship and the happy family I desperately wanted. I was still in love with him, trying to convince myself that it's not me, it's the addiction and he can change.

    He was released from jail and the restraining order was lifted and he came home. He has been clean since he got out of jail (i know this because he has been passing his drug tests) and has really stepped up as a father. The problem now is that all of this has left me feeling extremely insecure with myself. I blame myself for all of this (I know, it may sound crazy). He is starting to get really annoyed by my low self esteem and it's starting arguments, name calling and ends in me crying and feeling worthless (and thankfully during our arguments we both take our baby into consideration and don't fight in front of him or yell). He constantly says he's sorry and doesn't mean the horrible things he says and I should just get over it. He tells me not to dwell on the past and that I'm being selfish and just feeling sorry for myself. I kind of feel like its true though.

    I am still so in love with him and want this all to work out. I feel like my emotions are out of control and once the bad feelings about myself start they won't stop. Why did this happen? He knows me as a strong and confident woman but now it's just a pathetic and weak version of myself. Will it ever go away? It feels like it's getting worse and I can see that my boyfriend is trying to make me happy but just gets so frustrated when it doesn't work. My baby and him are the two most important people in my life and without them I'm not whole. I'm willing to try anything to make this all work so any suggestions and feedback would be greatly appreciated!

    Last edited by portgirl; 07-03-2011 at 01:22 PM.

     
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    Old 07-03-2011, 01:56 PM   #2
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    Re: Is this a toxic relationship? Is there any hope for us?

    Firstly well done for getting yourself clean that is brilliant. You are not at fault he kept lying to you and failing as a boyfriend and father and went to prison for what he did , he needs to learn to control his anger. My advide is anger management for him and counselling for you both together or seperately. You need to stop blaming yourself and try and see it as a bad chapter in your life and try move forward.

    If he has changed , then i'd say give him a chance , he cant prove it or move on from the past if you dont let him or if you dont let yourself move on from it. Most people deserve a second chance and i think he and you do , you both are clean and are been good parents. Let the past go and feel good about yourself look at all the positives that are happening now both clean and again good parents. Im glad your not arguing infront of the baby as they do pick up on these things so thats another positive thing.

    Fresh start i think you two need , but also with a little help to help you both along the way - counselling . therapy etc....if your relationship and family unit is worth it and everything to you and him you both will do ANYTHING to repair this damaged relationship.

     
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    Old 07-04-2011, 06:12 AM   #3
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    Re: Is this a toxic relationship? Is there any hope for us?

    Hi, first of all congratulations on your baby boy as well as getting yourself clean. I'm sorry to say that yes, the relationship is toxic (I am a recovering alcoholic myself) and you can't make your boyfriend get sober, he has to want to do that for himself. If he had a difficult time before that tells me he is going to have problems getting clean and staying clean.

    I wish it was that simple but sadly it's not. As you probably know already addiction is a huge problem everywhere, doesn't matter what the drug is (I consider alcohol a legal drug). Any substance that changes one's personality is a drug.

    The only person you can work on is yourself. Have you thought about going to Al-Anon meetings? That would be a really good start, especially that you have a baby to consider.

    I know this is a difficult road for you and even more so because you do love this guy so very much... I loved a guy with all my heart and I was conflicted because my mind would tell me one thing (he was bad for me) but my heart would tell me another.. Very difficult. I had to finally distance myself from this guy because I allowed him to cause much drama in my life which only stressed me out. It got better with time though I will always have memories of him. Bottom line? I am so much better without him in my life and time did help.

    Don't know if this helps or not and I also wish you the best!
    Sunny

     
    Old 07-04-2011, 05:56 PM   #4
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    Re: Is this a toxic relationship? Is there any hope for us?

    Thank you so much for the advice. It really helped just typing this all out and reading it. Your right, it was just a bad chapter and now I have my baby and my boyfriend is clean and ready to make this all work. I need to be as well so we can be the best happy family that we can be.

     
    Old 07-04-2011, 06:07 PM   #5
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    Re: Is this a toxic relationship? Is there any hope for us?

    Hi again, so are you going to let this go and have a fresh start with him? 2nd chance? some say people who have or had a drug/drink addict will always go back to it but not everybody does. it takes determination and will power. seems like your boyfriend is doing well. give him a chance and let it go.

     
    Old 07-22-2011, 10:29 AM   #6
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    Re: Is this a toxic relationship? Is there any hope for us?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by cryingforever View Post
    Hi again, so are you going to let this go and have a fresh start with him? 2nd chance? some say people who have or had a drug/drink addict will always go back to it but not everybody does. it takes determination and will power. seems like your boyfriend is doing well. give him a chance and let it go.
    Yes, this fresh start has been really working out. I have let go of the past and we both are much happier and even though we disagree on some things, they don't turn into arguments. I've also started doing yoga and pilates which I think has been helping my self worth. Thanks!!

     
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    Old 07-22-2011, 02:47 PM   #7
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    Re: Is this a toxic relationship? Is there any hope for us?

    Thats really good news hun real happy for you. Hope it goes well always.

     
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